gwyn: (steve and bucky)
I'm leaving with [personal profile] black_bird_777 for San Diego on Wednesday, and we're down there till Friday, when we head up to LA for Escapade. I positively loathed the hotel last year, so I wanted to minimize my time there, which means I'll miss a fair amount of Friday but I kind of don't have a lot I'm excited about anyway, so it's mostly seeing people.

I'm bringing my laptop with me so I can write, though I'm having a lot of trouble overcoming both the difficulty I'm having with this story I had to stop in the middle of for Yuletide and overcoming the worthless, hopeless feeling of why bother writing, or creating anything, really. I thought about setting everything up for my premiering vid so I could just make it live after the show, but then I just thought what difference does it make if it's Sunday or Tuesday, it's not like anyone would give a shit. So it gives me a little more time to tweak it; I wasn't completely happy with the vid I submitted to the con so I'm messing a little bit with clips still (and still not happy).

I have also been really battling the depression that comes at this time of year for me--because the con is later this year, it comes at exactly the time sis_r was dying, and I had thought I was emotionally ready to go back to San Diego, but I had forgotten that it was the ten-year anniversary of her death this month. It seems like just yesterday to me, it's every bit as acute and my dreams and flashbacks are every bit as horrible as they were then. I can't really believe that it's been ten years since I lost her, and I still have no more idea how to live as a solo twin now as I did then. So I planned badly--being back in San Diego was maybe not a great idea, or who knows, maybe it will be cathartic. It's hard to imagine right now.

We're staying at a hotel right on Pacific Beach, which was a place I spent a lot of time with sis_r at. In fact the only time black_bird's been there was when she and I went down to have dinner on Pacific Beach with my sister. But that means there will be surfers and puppies and hot men and women wandering around, and that's yay.

Anyway, I do have a panel on Saturday at 11 a.m., and if you're into Captain America, you should come. I have no idea yet what I want to talk about, but I figure if all it is is me going, Let me tell you about my FEELS for Bucky Barnes to maybe one or two people and we just weep crystalline tears, that's okay. This is the panel description:

Let’s talk about the biggest fandom of 2014 and the riches it gave us--the epic and tragic nearly century-long love between Steve and Bucky, the introduction of Sam into Steve’s life, Steve’s developing relationship with Natasha, or anything else we love about Cap2 (and Cap1, of course!).


Please come talk with me so I don't sit there like a sad little robot.
gwyn: big eden (pike m'lyn)
Trying to write two stories, make a vid for Escapade, and thinking about other vids I want to make, and it all feels like too much. I got another one of those emails I get from time to time, where someone comments on how much they liked a story but they can't believe that it doesn't have more kudos/bookmarks, and that always depresses me something fierce. I know it's a lovely compliment that someone thinks your work deserves more, but it also starts to remind you, time after time, that you are in that situation.

It's a lot like when I was young and just starting out as a writer, and I'd send out stories that always came back with personal notes from the editors about the quality of the stories, along with the rejection that (usually) it wasn't what they were looking for. People in my writing group were always, wow, I never get personal notes from the editors! And I was like, yeah, you know, the first couple times it's cool, but then you realize that it's all still a rejection (after rejection, after rejection). The first time I ever got an acceptance, I almost threw it away, because I thought it was a note from the editor about the rejection.

I've been trying really hard to think about this wonderful post from [personal profile] sperrywink and just concentrate on my own efforts to put forth what I want to see in the world, or think about [personal profile] destina making dolphin noises (waves at destina), but I do really get torpedoed sometimes. A lot lately, because I feel like I'm writing and vidding into a void--fandom's always been about participation and communication for me, and once I lost my fic website a couple years ago, all my fic's been on AO3. Try as I might, I've never been able to develop conversations with people there the way I have been on LJ/DW/email, or on Tumblr (I mean, certainly if you have a lot of followers on Tumblr, you could, but that's not my world). I've met a lot of great people in those spaces in the past, and even recently, because I wrote them a comment on their fic or vid, or they wrote to me, but it doesn't seem like you get that on Tumblr or on AO3, and a lot of those friends have been lost to attrition lately. Although, really, yeah, it could very well be a referendum on the quality of the work, and that's definitely the place my depression-mind goes to.

I think too the isolation of not having a lot of friends left/friends who are into the same thing I am compounds that. There are so many stories floating around in my head right now, so many vids, and it's a struggle to get past the why bother. Especially when I can't seem to get them to come out right, like the vid for Escapade feels (ugh, I keep looking at the timeline and wondering if I can ever make a good vid again, let alone a good Steve/Bucky vid) or the stories ("you're keeping the outfit" porn should not be this difficult!) have been lately.

I should probably shut the comments off on this, because people will think I'm fishing for compliments and I am not fishing for compliments, seriously, but I don't know, maybe there's someone else out there in the depresso-ball pit too who'd like a safe space to talk about that, so I guess I will keep them open. Or maybe you have some cool tricks, like sperrywink, to remind yourself that it's the creating that matters and you are more than welcome to share them with me.

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