12/12/12

Dec. 12th, 2012 11:44 pm
gwyn: (ordinary day _silent_rage_)
Every year, on the...palindromic date...seriously, what do you call these dates? Anyway, every year, I've made a point to write a check for something so that I could write the dates down. My favorite was 6/6/(0)6, but I can still remember how incredibly excited I was to write one on 01/01/01. It was something I honestly wasn't sure I'd ever really see; growing up in the '60s and '70s, the turn of a century seemed very far away to me.

But I never had a chance to write a check today, which bummed me out. This is the last time I'll see one of these dates again in my lifetime, unless someone invents a way for us to live to 140 or so. And I'm not certain I'd want to live that long.

So goodbye, 12/12/12! It was fun while it lasted, and I'm sad to see you go, knowing you will be the last of your kind. Of course, there are still 10 minutes to go here in Seattle, so maybe the world will still end.

Spent a lot of the day sickish today with some kind of tummy thing. I still had to work out, though. I feel as if I've made zero progress in the past couple months, which is why I guess I've given up talking about it. Even with the nutrition thing, it just doesn't get any better. I definitely have more muscle, but size-wise, my clothes still feel the same. This really depresses me a lot. I feel like the only way I can lose any weight is to simply stop eating, the way I did many years ago when I was in a serious crisis emotionally and couldn't eat anything at all. And that's not going to happen (the not eating, not the crisis), so. I should be working on my Yuletide story, but my neighbors came over for whine and cheese night, and then it was just easy to slip into goofing off mode. Ass needs to be got into gear.
gwyn: (abed spaceman grosserpepper)
I haven't been updating at all, and now I owe both a Festivids letter and a Yuletide letter to my giftee givers. I am so behind. Every time I think I'm catching up, I get behind again. It's depressing. The workout thing is really affecting my work situation -- it cuts my day in half in a weird way, but mostly it's just that when I get back, it's hard for me to settle down and concentrate on work, so I often don't start until hours later. After being stalled on progress, though, I have a lost a whole pound, woo hoo, and a few tenths of a percent of body fat. It's not happening fast enough. They keep saying it will, but I just... I don't know.

Now, though, I have a really serious foot problem that I didn't have before, and nothing is helping it get better. I looked up some stuff last night and I think it sounds exactly like a couple things, one is a more serious condition and the other is more of a bunch of symptoms resulting in a condition. Either way, all the cool new shoes I've bought recently will be right out at least for the foreseeable future. But I also bought two new pairs of workout shoes and this is the second time I'm going to have to return them when I head over to the mall in a little bit. Arg! Why so difficult?

I did get a personal chef, though. There are still some kinks to work out on it, but it's helping me to focus my eating a little better. My big problem is still wanting dessert after dinner and my sweet tooth attacks -- ever since sis_r died, I've had such a sweet tooth for pastries and things like that. Sometimes it's almost uncontrollable.

I went off antidepressants a few months ago and it's still weird and affecting me strangely. Sparkly head and all. The big thing is that EVERYthing makes me want to cry -- I'm like, haven't lost weight? CRY CRY CRY. Foot hurts? SOB UNCONTROLLABLY FOR TWO HOURS. Can't figure out aspect ratio problems trying to make Thor/Avengers vid? WHERE ARE RAZOR BLADES I NEED RAZOR BLADES RIGHT NOW I CAN'T GET BLADES OUT OF SHAVING RAZOR OMG WHY IS SUICIDE SO HARD?

I'm not really kidding. This is how my mind is lately. I'm like socially awkward penguin on steroids. And it's a cycle -- the more I think like that, the more I cry over every fucking thing and every interaction with a human, the more awful I feel and the more I just wish I could wither and die.

Everyone says the exercise is great to make you feel less depressed. Hah. It just makes me more depressed, because I'm still fat, and my back is not all better, and now I have a wretched foot injury.

But anyway. I need to concentrate on Festivids and Yuletide. I've turned down two jobs so I can have some time to myself this season. I don't have anymore family members to die, so that should leave me with plenty of time. Silver linings, eh?

I hope there will be some Happy Endings vids in Festivids this year. I'm just counting hours till it comes back, now that Community is going to be taken from us again and who knows when that will really come back.

OK, letters later for my authors.

Hmmmmm

Sep. 12th, 2012 01:31 pm
gwyn: (buffy monanotlisa)
So, say you were to wish to make a vid about people doing brave or heroic things or trying of making the world a better place, discovering their inner superhero. Stuff with more of a fantasy element than a horror/faced with trauma but sticking it out kinda thing. What would you want in that vid?

I'm thinking Star Wars (the originals, duh), Harry Potter, Star Trek movies, ET, prooooobably the Avengers movies in their discover phases but not totally sure, and I can't decide about Lord of the Rings. And here's what else I can't decide: whether to go for TV because then one gets Buffy, Firefly, Angel, but one also has to deal with the nightmare of aspect ratios for the 4:3 shows mixed with movies in the 16:9 and of course the widescreen tv in between. Or, also, whether to include animation in it (such as the Pixar films).

This hypothetical vid is going to take the better half of a year, I just know it, and I can't start until I stop dithering. Help.

I plan to write about Vividcon here at some point. I finally got the last of the books kicking my ass off on Monday and am now trying to catch up on the new books that are less ass-kicky but still need doing. I haven't had any time at all to deal with con reports. It will be so long gone that it won't matter, but I still want to write it down for me.

I've also been dealing with a difficult foster dog -- a chihuahua named Gizmo, who's pretty much the tiniest dog I have ever seen and a real sweetie, but who was peeing FOR DAYS on my coffee table and my very expensive rug I bought for my birthday last fall before I found out. I did at least see the poop every day -- even with the door open and him able to come and go as he pleased, he would come inside and crap on the rug. Every. Single. Day. And unbeknownst to me, also peeing. The Fuzzy Wuzzy Rug Co. (seriously, wouldn't you hire a company called Fuzzy Wuzzy? I mean, I ask you) came and took it away this week, but they said it's unlikely the yellow stain will come out completely. I am bereft. I love that rug, and I'm just sick at having it be ruined before it's even a year old.

So I got some homemade belly bands from one of the rescue people, we call it his panties, and put a maxi-pad in it. He does not like wearing it, but it seems to be doing the trick -- the other day he actually went and stood by the back door, so I took it off and he went out and peed AND pooped outside. I was very proud -- it's so sad that my life revolves around a thing that isn't even two pounds, and whether it goes potty. Getting him to go potty is just...an ordeal. Every night we go through this ritual, and now I have to put him on the leash and take him outside the back yard to get him to go before I gate him up in the kitchen. He hates that too, or being put in his crate when I go away, but I can't trust him even with his panties on, so... I think he's starting to understand that the house is not for potty, unless it's on the piddle pads -- this morning I got up later than usual and he'd actually peed on the piddle pad. Progress comes in small steps.

My friends are always going on about how they'd never have female dogs, blah blah, and I will say that I have never had a female foster pee in the house unless it was on a pad, and they've only ever pooped as an accident and made sure to do it on the tile. THe males have consistently been the ones who have chronic accidents and marking behavior, and it really enrages me when there's no reason -- door's wide open, they can go outside and mark to their heart's content. Gah. This makes me more intent than ever that I'm getting a female when I finally settle on one dog (she said, after falling in love with two of her male dogs).

I had my official assessment last week on my fitness training. It was...depressing. I haven't budged one ounce on weight, and only .07 on body fat. The numbers for the breathing test and my blood pressure were a lot better so they're trying to encourage me to focus on that, and I might have lost one or two inches in fatness size, I don't know. They keep hammering on the eating aspect. I know this is a big issue. I don't eat often enough and when I do it's often not the right thing I need. they recommended this service called Chef by Request, where they focus on the right nutrition for people in fitness programs and bring you all your meals, plus snacks, but the bastards haven't bothered to call me back and I kind of thought, fuck it, if I'm going to pay that much money for basically a personal chef service that's not entirely personal, why not just get a real personal chef.

This has actually turned out to be harder than I thought, as every time I found someone who sounded good, they don't come to my neck of the woods. I'm going to call a guy today who might be a possibility. I couldn't possibly feel more like a douchebag than to hire a personal chef, but...I'm losing the war with my nutrition/eating, and I know that, and I may not make the kind of real progress I'd like if I don't do something. I can cook, but I'm often so drowned in work and so stressed out that I can't, and I'm a sucky cook who's afraid of complicated recipes so I stick to things that might not really work for what I need to do. And I've been trying to do a lot of things for other people with my dad's money, so maybe I should try to do something for myself.

I also called a housecleaning service and they came last week and did a deep clean, and will be coming every couple weeks. This was a hard thing for me to do -- I like everything just so, and they put stuff back in the wrong places, etc., but I can't even take the time to clean my house and I'm a neat freak. It's just gotten to a place where I want to cry all the time looking at how shitty everything looks, and I'm scared because there are spiders everywhere from the fact that there are cobwebs everywhere because I can't find the time to clean under and around stuff. At some point you have to ask yourself if your OCD is more important to you than having your house livable, and if you're working to live or living to work. Like they always say, no one ever said on their deathbed that they wished they'd worked more.

I'll see how it goes, but boy do I feel like an assface for having a housecleaner and a personal chef (maybe). I'm an old, single, fat, freelancer with no social life, but hey, someone comes to clean my house and make me food! ::dies of shame:: My mom would probably be rolling her eyes in a Tony Stark-level face, but my sister and dad would probably go, good for you. I never know which ghost to listen to. It's hard to let go of "things I can do for myself" and think more in terms of "things I don't do for myself but I should."

I'm also in the middle of trying to remodel/redecorate. It took me until this year to figure out that whenever someone I love dies, I go into remodeling mode. I did it after mom, I did it after my second mom Mrs. O, I did it in a huge way after sis_r, and now after dad_r. I don't know why I didn't see the pattern before, but there it is.

Maybe when all this is done and I've settled into being a douche who hires people to do things she can do, I'll have more time to write fic and...gasp! real writing, and vid. If I can ever figure out how I want that vid to go.

Have another Hawaii pic. I think, though am not entirely sure, this may be a peach palm.

Palm tree
gwyn: (monarch diet sing_song_girl)
I finally got the book that has been hanging over my head off to the publisher late last night, which was unbelievably difficult since my laptop had stopped being able to access Airport and I realized partway through uploading that my word lists and query files had not been updated in the network storage. Boy, that was a lot of added fun on top of the already insanely high level of stress. Note to self: Never take a day off when you've got a book due to write fanfic.

Now I have to pounce on all the things that got put on the back burners while I rushed to finish this. Which is tough, since I'm going up to Vancouver for a minibreak on Thursday through Saturday and I really really didn't want to work, but tomorrow's almost a lost day for me, as I have a big conference call with the university about our program. Boy, do I have an earful for them.

I haven't been able to watch the Hollow Crown at all, and it's driving me nuts because I want to see Hiddles's faaaaace. And I love me some Prince Hal. But still. Work to do and all that.

Today I had my weigh-in and body fat percentage checkin at the fitness place. I've only lost a pound, but have lost an entire percent of body fat. I'm OK with that, even if it's a little disappointing, just because I'm not at all focused on weight since I'm pretty heavy even when I've been thin (I'm just a very big Amazonian gal, no getting around that), but of course you still hope to hear that you've lost weight. I am, however, happy about the body fat percentage -- my trainer today said that's really not common to lose that big of a percentage that quickly, so, yay for that. Maybe I will be able to zip that dress up at Vividcon after all.

I have noticed that even though none of my clothes are looser, the blubber is less prominent around my waist. Today was a tough workout just because I'm leaving for the last half of the week, so I'm cramming all my workouts into these three days, no rest in between. And today I've battled a migraine and extreme intestinal distress, but I still made it through 100 crunches and a set of around the world crunches (to the sides and center, much harder!). Not to mention the fit test on the treadmill. Go me.

There is so much to catch up on fannishly! But it's gonna have to wait. I have really gotten into Strike Back on Cinemax/Sky -- two hot guys shooting shit and blowing shit up and having lots of sex. I want to talk about that and the other things I'm watching. It's weird, but I actually am not burning to go see Dark Knight Rises. Seriously, what is wrong with me these days? But I'm just so annoyed at Nolan loading it down with his favorite white people that it's been really hard for me to muster interest. I don't know -- worth it? Tell me what you think (and no, I care not about spoilers, never have, never will).

ETA: Hawaii pics! So, this is an apparently very endangered bird that I spotted at McBryde Garden. They number in the 300s right now, and they're considered critically endangered. They're Hawaiian moorhens.
Hawaiian moorhen

Hawaiian moorhen
gwyn: (hardison swell day ruttadk)
Wow, we had an amazing thunderstorm last night around midnight, right over my house at one point. It's never like that -- the lightning is usually over the water, down the hill from me, or over east toward the Cascades, so having it right on top of us was a trip. I watched it for over an hour, and the cats were like, "What the fuck?"ing all over the place, but I was very excited. I loooove lightning from a safe distance. Poor Mr. Blues, though -- he'd just started getting back to his normal self after all the fireworks on the 4th, and still spooks a little too easily, and last night just kind of sealed the deal. I'm not sure how soon he's going to be back to normal.

I half expected Thor to arrive with it. Which is my segue into my subject line. So, I have no idea how this happened, but I've become quite smitten with Loki, specifically Tom Hiddleston's face. At first I didn't get why people were so enamored of him, but, and I guess it must be Tumblr and all the endless gifs of his face or something, but I'm all madly in love with him now, like fannish cupid has hit me with an arrow and I am quite unhappy about this! Because a) I didn't really want this to be a big fandom for me, super large fandoms scare me, and b) I don't get Loki at all, and I don't like that kind of character. I don't like maliciousness for the sake of malice, I don't generally like sociopathic behavior, and murderers are not an appealing type of character to me. I especially dislike villains who want to rule the world or enslave everyone or destroy the world or whatnot...that's always struck me as the lamest type of idea, and that's what superhero comics villains are usually all about.

So imagine my quandary. But his faaaaace. I love his ridiculous flip hairstyle in Avengers, and his absurd outfit and helmet (and I wondered all throughout Thor if anyone in Asgard ever wears, like, casual Friday clothes or anything, because they're always strutting around in leather and armor and full metal gowns and breastplates, and man that would be uncomfortable -- doesn't anyone ever just chill in godlike sweats and a t-shirt?), but mostly his huuuuge eyes and haunted gaze and his very large Chicklet teeth. Why? Why, fannish cupid, have you done this to me? Also, I really didn't like his character in Wallander and his hair was terrible, and so I kind of dismissed him long ago, and people should not suddenly bounce back into your interests like that. They should stay put. (Also, no I will never watch War Horse.)

So now I guess it's official that I love everyone in Avengers, sigh. Large fandoms with huuuuuge back story and canon really worry me -- I'd love to write, but I don't know enough to know if I'd just be doing something already done, and I can't wade through lots of fic because I don't have enough time to read my work, as it is. Bleh. I suppose I'm going to have to get icons.

Fitness training continues apace. My IT band is really problematic. I feel really unmotivated and I have to leave in about a half hour for today's session, and I really battled that on Friday. I'm not sure what to do -- I guess I'm already tired of it. I have to keep focusing on that dress for VVC and my clothes closet and being able to sit at my computer.

Here's two very different types of heliconia at the McBryde Garden:
Heliconia
Heliconia
gwyn: (ordinary day _silent_rage_)
It looks like the installation for summer may have finally succeeded in Seattle. It turned out to be nice today, and they say, although I'm not sure I believe it, that it'll be nice all week, maybe even getting up to 80 by end of weekend. The rest of the country is broiling, of course, and so I haven't wanted to bitch about yet another miserable Junuary here, but I just don't think I can handle another summer like last year. I didn't get any raspberries, most of the flowers didn't bloom... at least I could finally take the covers off the patio furniture today and work outside for a bit. Now it's holiday for assholes time, with m-80s going off constantly, scaring the hell out of the cats. Glad I don't have a dog right now.

I want to go read Avengers fic but my eyes are so tired. I've been working pretty much nonstop today trying to finish this book, and my eyes and shoulders/neck hurt from reading so much. What to do, what to do?

My workouts are kicking my freaking fat ass. I just... I'm kind of astounded not just at how bad a shape I'm in, but how hard they get you going even though you're a complete mess. I mean, they don't waste a lot of time. Right now, my hamstrings are so sore I feel like crying every time I try to sit down. One of the big problems is my IT band causing my left knee serious pain, so the other day they actually tortured me: they rolled a rolling pin over my IT band using their body weight. I have not felt that kind of pain in a long, long time. I was in tears. I know I needed it -- there aren't a lot of ways to loosen IT bands -- but jesus h. christ, that hurt. It's a bit better, and I have to get a foam roller to work on it at home, but in the words of Emilio Lizardo, "Jesu Christo, it's a to make the ganglia twitch."

I've finally gotten to a point where I can be on the treadmill, though I can't go without using my hands for support for too long. Still throws me off balance. If I can get better track of my time, I'm going to try walking up there for my cardio. Still, I'm proud of myself that I'm going, and I hope maybe by the time VVC comes up, I can zip up the fabulous dress I got for Club Vivid a little easier.

I'm thinking of Snady a lot lately. At this time last year, she was on the slide downhill, and suffering so much. July is always going to be When We Lost Sandy. Hence the title of this post, which are lyrics from 4th of July, Asbury Park by Bruce Springsteen.

Here's a pic of a flower called alpinia purpurata, from McBryde Garden in Kauai. I thought it was a type of ginger, but I guess it's not!
Alpinia
gwyn: (serious bznz littlespank)
I have gotten so fat in the past two years that most of my clothes are too tight, and my back problem just never seems to get 100% better. The two might not necessarily be related to each other, but I went back to the chiropractor a few weeks ago after a long time away and my back getting worse, and he strongly emphasized that i need to get stronger. I confessed to him that I don't do the back strengthening exercises he gave me much, because I have so much trouble getting up and down off the floor with my creaky old joints.

I signed up for a place he told me about, called Fitness Together, which is all personal trainer, all the time. You have a regular time for your workout, and the space all to yourself and your trainer, and they work to keep you motivated, steadily increasing your fitness. I HATE exercising. I have never once achieved that high people supposedly get from it (I'm convinced they make that up to encourage themselves to keep going and it's all lies, wretched lies), and I don't feel energized or pleased afterward, only tired and achy. But this shit is so expensive that you kind of have to keep going, otherwise you're wasting your money and it's harder to just put it off as much as you can like with a recurring-fee gym membership. I can still go to the Y and swim, but they'll work with me on cardio, strength, endurance, and strength. We're emphasizing strength, you see.

I'm not looking forward to this in the least -- three days a week, plus nutrition counseling (which, fortunately, I can switch to sessions, because having edited a newspaper about nutrition, there's not a lot I don't know already, and the fact that I know all this stuff hasn't ever affected my ability to eat the things I know are wrong for me). I was very clear with them that the kind of thing many trainers do -- shouting "you can do it", pushing someone past their limit, expecting someone to remember routines -- are exactly the kinds of things that will make me walk right off. They spend a lot of time with you so they can find things that work for you and don't make you hate it. Well. They have an uphill battle with me, but... between my back troubles and my weight, I know I need something.

Man, between this, my mind-bendingly expensive chair, and the chiropractor and massage, this back thing is costing me a fortune. I guess it's a good thing I'm at a point where I have so much work I have to turn things away. And thank god I get to take it off my taxes. Yeesh. My first appointment left me sore everywhere, and that was just an assessment! Tomorrow I go to get a full workup -- heart rates, body mass, etc. So depressing.

This is my second go-round on the fitness bandwagon. Keep your fingers crossed for me that it sticks.

Today's Hawaii pic: an orchid at the McBryde Garden.
Orchid
gwyn: (b&w)
Back at the gym today after a week away, due to various factors. I didn't even get a chance to walk much last week to make up for it. It was much quieter today, and I'm hopeful that's a sign some of the noisier people are back at school or something. Guy who loves himself and tells everyone loudly about it is still there, but I noticed he was down to a one person, probably his girlfriend, so that automatically dampens the sound level. Without toadies, he's muted.

I feel very discouraged -- I haven't lost any noticeable weight after four months, and I don't think I'm going to lose any at all. Nothing looks different. I know I'm battling two major factors: i'm almost fifty (god, I hate saying that so very much), and I'm taking an antidepressant that I hear makes it harder to lose weight. I know it's supposed to be its own reward to be in shape, but I also need my clothes to fit because I don't have the money for new ones. I've been trying to wear things lately I haven't worn for a long time, but it's just uncomfortable. I can do longer, harder walks than before, so I realize there's progress, but it doesn't seem like anything outside is changing. It's difficult to battle the "what's the point if it doesn't help" thoughts. And I don't have a support network, before you ask.

I'm into my fourth week with the aligners as of today. I'm better at taking them off now, but when I start a new set, that's when I have the most trouble. Keeping them clean is a real challenge -- I'm seeing now how incredibly deep the grooves in my teeth are (which dentists have always worried about) and how rounded the shapes are, so that brushing them is a challenge because of the pockets and crannies. I still have moments of gagginess, sometimes at odd moments when I just realize that there are these things in my mouth.

However, my teeth are already straighter. It's quite fascinating. I looked at the fourth set and they really don't look all that different from the first, but they are. And even just on my second set here, I'm kind of astonished at how many of my teeth are are straightening quite well. My fangs are now pointing straight up and down instead of inward and forward. I'm most interested to see how it adjusts my bite.

Mostly I think it's just making me feel even uglier and more worthless than usual. I've felt really down and isolated and unwanted lately, and there's something about being old, fat, ugly, and having braces, even invisible ones, that just make you feel... well, honestly, except for the old part? This is just like when I was a 13-year-old starting a new school in a new area and being made fun of relentlessly and being friendless. Except I had acne then, too, although my skin has been horrible lately due to body changes and so I suppose that's not far behind.

I want to be excited about the fall tv season but nothing is floating my boat (except Glee). Even though two of my fave recent series have vampires in them, I'm not a vampire person at all, and so I will wait to see what people think of Vampire Diaries and if it sounds like a possibility, I guess I'll check it out. But that's almost the only thing I can see of interest. Everything else just sounds so derivative. But I'll still give most series, especially dramas, a shot by taking a look at their premieres just to be on the safe side. At least there's a bit of Project Runway still to come, Chuck midseason, and Burn Notice in January too. And DirectTV is showing all the episodes of Eyes starting in a couple weeks, so that will be nice to see the stuff I never got to before.

I'm really enjoying their 101 channel's showings of series that were cancelled and never got their eps burned off on network TV -- I recently watched both Smith and The Nine, and they showed Showtime's Sleeper Cell (where I first saw Star Trek reboot's Capt. Robau, and thought he was hot then too), and now they're running Oz and Deadwood, and it's so cool to see Deadwood in hi-def on the glorious widescreen TV. I'm still sad about losing my beloved Canadian station and a couple of the local sister stations of the affiliates, but... 101 kind of helps ease the sting.

What are you planning to watch this fall? Anything to sell me on besides Glee? (I have the pilot from iTunes, I just haven't watched it yet, but plan to.)
gwyn: (monarch diet sing_song_girl)
Month three of the fitness escapade (not to be confused with the convention Escapade). I still have not lost any weight (well, to be honest, I don't weigh myself, as I do not know how to use those old fashioned scales with the bobbly things on them) and the tight pants and tops are still every bit as tight. In fact, I would actually say things are worse in that the other day I put on my undies like normal and the new, larger ones were too tight. That was a fair bit of what the fuckery I didn't understand. Maybe it's because it was in the hundreds here and I was so puffed up that I couldn't even wear my ring, but I think that's just how it is lately -- everything's still tight.

I also didn't exercise all last week because of the heat. The second floor of the gym is always abysmally hot and I couldn't face trying to do cardio there in such weather. I also didn't go for my in-between-gym walks for the heat reason. This week I'm making up for it, though, by getting back to my routine and going for some really challenging walks -- yesterday was not unlike a day hike in the Cascade foothills. And I've made all of them without stopping, so I know that at least my stamina has increased.

My main issue is the gym, honestly. On the days I prefer to go, I have to endure this miniature blowhard who seems to have quite a sycophantic coterie around him and who constantly shouts and brags and can't seem to talk below Brian Blessed level, even though his voice is nowhere near that basso profundo sort of quality. It never fails that he's everywhere I want to be and I just get so very tired of listening to him and his "duuuude, awesome!" friends. They're all loud and mentally deficient. But if I go on a M W F cycle, then I have to listen to the aerobics or whatever they're calling it these days class with the shrieking microphone woman and the tall white guy who bellows or the tiny Asian woman who whoop-whoop-whoops at top volume in between mic lady's instructions. Not to mention the pounding music. There is really no such thing as a quiet time there, except apparently in the afternoon at exactly the time I don't want to be caught on the freeway trying to get back home.

Oh how I wish I could afford to toss this gym membership and go somewhere nice. Somewhere close by. I really don't mind the working out, it's the people I can't stand, and this is what stopped me the last time. I have to try to find a head space that won't let me drop out.

I will probably be faced with at least some weight loss soon, though. After I get home from VVC, I go in to get my braces -- really aligners because I'm doing the Invisalign things. I'm so not looking forward to this -- no more sipping tea all day long, no more grazing on small bits of food, no more unplanned-out eating out. This will be my last bit of freedom for two years. Sob. No one I know cares anything about my anxiety about the braces thing, so I am busy feeling sorry for myself with extra helpings. I know this will be good for me in the long run and fix many of my mouth problems, but I really don't want to do it.

But first, VVC! OMG next week. I have so many discs to burn and covers to trim and liner notes to fold. AIIEEEE!

Work it

Jul. 7th, 2009 11:48 pm
gwyn: (monty)
I'm into my second month now of working out regularly. I had a break that I didn't want when I fell down the stairs, but I tried to get back on the horseelliptical machine as quickly as possible. I have not made a lot of progress, but some of my pants are a teeny bit looser, so I will take any good sign I can get. Since I'm still pretty wimpy, I'm increasing the length of time on the machines a bit each week -- two minutes a week has been good so far. Though I use only the lowest level.

I've also increased the sets and some of the weight on the weight machines. It was very pleasing the other day when I was trying to put my hair up and I noticed in the mirror that when my arm was bent, I had triceps again underneath the fat. Honestly, that's a pretty good motivator right there. I went in the evening last night and realized that I really do prefer the daytime, especially in the weights area because there aren't as many ass-slapping, bellowing, sweating jocks. But I really do need to get an armband for my iPod, as the constant blare of ESPN is making me feel like I'm trapped in the Hell of the Babbling Sportscasters again. I cannot stand it. The bleating of the baseball buttheads during the Mariners game is intolerable, so that's another major strike against going at night.

Last night there was a man who wore way too little clothing and did not have the body for it at all -- but since he used the recumbent bike in front of me, it was hard to find somewhere else to put my eyes (MY EYES!!). That wasn't the weirdest thing though -- he was an older man, but I wondered if he was in fact younger than me, even though he looked much older than I do. Because he had the same ghastly hairstyle as Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men -- yes, that ridiculous pageboy 'do, and I would swear it was colored.



I was mesmerized, I tell you. Anyway, I'm sure there are plenty of people laughing at me and my flab and my clumsiness, but I guess that's just part of the gym experience. I think I would be even more motivated if they had fannish TV on. That's really a niche, you know -- someone needs to start the chain of fannish gyms. God knows most of us need to work out, and the whole place could be oriented to having fandom carrots rather than mundane sticks to get us to do it.
gwyn: (dexter fallenandfluffy)
Started off week 3 of the exercise effort with a trip to the gym with [livejournal.com profile] mlyn to help me figure out how to work the elliptical machine. I got brave last week and tried it out, but it was excruciating and left my thighs a burning mass of rubber. A bunch of people barked at me this weekend about how I needed less resistance and a lower level, but I hit button after button on the thing that day and made it a whole 7 minutes or so. It never changed. M'lyn volunteered to go with me and show me what to do so we went over there tonight, and I did 20 minutes on the machine with mostly just knee pain, which is something I'm very used to so it doesn't bother me. It's just what you get when you don't have any cartilage left in them.

It definitely wasn't easy (I was watching those minutes tick down like a buzzard waiting for someone to die), but it helped to have someone to talk to, as well, and then we went down and did weight circuit, even though she's feeling a little under the weather. Then we went and got sammiches and talked about diet and maximizing the workout foodwise. I plan to stick with this, even though it tires me out, and now gas is at $3 a gallon and the gym is not at all close by. I figure that if I do this at least a couple times a week, and keep up with the yardwork and the walking everywhere, maybe I can see results by end of summer, but I'm not necessarily looking for them, if that makes any sense. It takes a long time to see results, in the first place, but most importantly, if I judge my health by just the pounds or the clothes size, I'm doing it wrong.

The other thing that will probably help me lose some weight is that next week I go in for the impressions to get my braces. They said they can do the Invisalign ones, which is a load off my mind, though they may in fact use the metal ones at the end. I just don't want metal in my mouth again, ever. My experience was so awful, and I have such bad memories of it, that even though the clear ones have many of their own issues, I'd rather do it this way. It's insanely expensive, but worth it for the peace of mind. The big issue is that you usually have to brush and floss after every meal, and I'm not a meal eater -- I graze in small amounts all day. Since I'd have to be brushing and flossing all the time, and having to take them out for tea and Pepsi and stuff, I'll probably stick to water more often than I already do (which is a lot, but I do love my tea and my cola drinks), and eat a lot less, or eat stuff I can get by with a quick brushing instead of the whole kit & kaboodle.

I'm not looking forward to this at all. Especially not to having them at Vividcon, where my diet goes out the window in favor of convenience. But it's better to do it now than wait until I crack a tooth with my bad bite.

So between starvation (not really, just eating in a different way, less often) and working out, with any luck, I may finally be able to fit into my favorite pants again at some later date. And btw, anyone who wants to check in with my on my progress or to nag me into not giving up, please feel free to do so. It would be good to keep motivating me.
gwyn: (Default)
Hi there! Guess what I did today? I went somewhere and exercised for the first time in nearly two decades where it didn't involve some kind of plant or staying in my general neighborhood. I went to the gym!

Many years ago when I was working down in Kent at a company I thought I would be with for the rest of my born days (I wasn't so much naive as I had found my perfect job and I was well-loved in my position and everything was going swimmingly until my boss showed her true psycho colors and purged me as she had many people before me), I bought a lifetime membership in the nearby Bally club, where I would work out with my friend on our lunch hour. It had a pool, so that made it worthwhile for me, because I would rather swim than do anything else. But then I lost the job, and I went to the one across the lake from me a few times, but I felt awful there. The pool was kinda gross and cold, and whenever I would work on the weight machines, there were tons of people around and everyone seemed really mean and I was very intimidated. So I never went again, though I kept the membership through the yearly small fee.

A few weeks ago I went to the Y with [livejournal.com profile] gattagrigia and [livejournal.com profile] sherrold up near gattagrigia's house, which is new and very lovely, and we swam and spa'd our afternoon away, and it was wonderful. I figured, if I started going to the club once or twice a week, and swam with them a few times a month, I might be able to get rid of some of this awful weight I can't shake. I have cut my eating in half, literally, and I garden and walk all the time, and most of what I do eat is all healthy and stuff, but I still can't get this stupid weight off. So stronger measures must be taken.

The thing is, I hate gym exercise. I'd much rather be out. But the cold and damp get to me too much, I'm realizing, and I don't do enough in winter. Today I tried out the recumbent bike, but the elliptical machine, which calls to me, also intimidates me like hell, and rather than make an ass of myself, I decided to forgo it for another day. Then I went down and did weight machines, most of which are a lot nicer than the ones I used 18 years ago. ;-) I absolutely love the torso twister machine, and the leg machines are all good, but the one I like best is the one that simulates squats, which I can't do because of the no cartilage in my knees thing. Of course, I have really strong legs already and always have thanks to high jumping when I was young, but that machine is just really enjoyable.

I don't think there really is anything for the spot I need to lose weight in the most -- this weird space above my hips, at the top of the glutes, which I don't even know what it is. It's like, nothing targets that area, but that's where most of the fat is that I need to get rid of to fit in my favorite pants again. Also back fat. ::Ew, hates back fat.:: I realize that's probably just the cardio... but the cardio confuses the crap out of me. I have never had good aerobic condition -- which is weird coming from the camping family from hell, where it was expected I could carry a 50-pound pack before I was even a tween and we climbed a mountain when I was 17 (I mean, a real mountain). And so any kind of aerobic things wipe me out within 5 minutes -- my friend used to make me do the stair machines, and she never sweated, while 5 minutes in I was not only dripping with sweat, I couldn't breathe and wanted to die.

The machines now ask you to put in all this info -- your age, your target heart rate, how long, etc. I put in 15 minutes and made it only 8, because even the recumbent bike still hurts my pelvic bones like whoa. But how the hell would I know what my target heart rate is? How the #$&!@#* do you figure that out? I haven't got a clue and the bored desk person is of no help.

Anyway, all in all, it actually felt good. Like I did after swimming, I wanted to come home and curl up and sleep, but I'm trying to stay awake. (And, um, I ate a sweet roll when I got home so... yeah.) Too much to do still today. I feel like rubber and my chest aches, but more weights will fix that as I get used to them. Still don't know about that elliptical. O.-

And it's pretty easy -- I think if I just roll out of bed and head over there after traffic is clear, then I can come home and shower without looking at gross hair-clogged drains and catching weird foot diseases; I could wear only my workout clothes and just come straight back. Sweaty, but simple.

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