gwyn: (flashpoint asshat)
You know, I'm well aware that I'm not the kind of fan writer that people go "oh, she posted a new story, I'm going to go read immediately." But having someone say they saved your story till they ran out of good fic is…just astoundingly tone-deaf, nasty, and demoralizing.

Thursday I'm having a dreaded medical procedure that I've been avoiding for years. Now that I'm officially an Old, my doctor's wanted me to have a colonoscopy, especially since my twin died of cancer, any kind of screening test is pretty important--and we don't know any other medical family history, since I'm adopted. I really, really hate bodily functions things. Like, I'm nearly phobic about talking about it, and I flap my hands and sing la-la-la really loudly whenever people talk about it. So I really, really do not want to do this, but since the fucking Republicans are determined to take away any health care I can have, and I earned so little the previous year that I qualified for a lower deductible, my doc and I decided to take ALL the tests this year. I just had a new MRI for my back (nothing useful, still nothing to be done that will really help), and now this, and there's some other things I'm hoping to do later on while I have the chance.

I have a bit more to write on the next chapter of Celluloid Hero and then should be able to send to beta and post, then I have to get started on the pod-together story, and meanwhile I'm desperately racing to finish this Star Wars vid for the Premieres show at Vividcon. Still have a little under half to go, it's taking forever and making me cry. Why can't I find a nice, horizontal hobby where I can lie down and not be in agonizing pain?
gwyn: (ordinary day _silent_rage_)
I keep falling down on my promise to post more. Everything happens so much.

The BPPV/head situation is continuing, long after most of the attacks have usually gone away. I'd been doing the exercises but they made only surface improvements this time: I can walk upright and drive pretty easily, but looking up or down, or turning my head at an angle in any kind of recline/looking up will make me wobbly for quite a while. It's made daily chores such…chores--the house was so gross so I finally had to vacuum and that was a study in Tilt-a-Whirl terror, and cleaning stuff like the sink or tub is a challenge I don't want to accept. I was in the store the other day and had to bend down to get something off a low shelf and then got treated to someone who thought I was drunk in public. I liked the idea a friend has: wearing a sign that says "not drunk, just wobbly." Anyway, much as I don't want to go in, I might have to get pro help this time.

I've been working away on my Cap Reverse Big Bang fic, it's up to 22,000 words now. No one said they're good words, but there's a lot of them. The artist is squeeful about Bucky's kitten rescue in it, so she might draw a second piece about that. Since the art is basically Steve and Bucky fucking, the sex scene was obligatory, and I don't know why but that made writing it about 10,000 times harder. I've made two editing passes--honestly, the first one wasn't even so much of an editing pass as a complete rewrite, almost nothing stayed untouched--and I hope I can make another, because it's such crap that it really needs more work. It's very plotty (I think the artist was unhappy at first because I was getting plot all over her "I just want a fluffy reunion sex scene") and I'm trying to make sense of Civil War as a canon-divergence AU, so it's very complicated and I keep finding plot holes and logic flaws that I have to correct--wait, no, if they do that, then they can't do this.

This is complicated by the fact that I have a book edit that came in late but they're not changing the deadline (yes, this is typical), and the fact that I'm my usual mentally ill self and am pre-emptively depressed about posting the fic. I'm kind of right in the middle of the posting schedule, and I'm seeing all these stories with hundreds of notes but a couple with only a few, and I know damn well that'll be mine, too, and it makes me feel…really bleh. There will probably be a lot of fic fatigue by then, and my SBB fic last year pretty much bombed, so it kind of feels like that, even with the well-run tumblr reblogging postings and giving the visibility we didn't have in the SBB. I try to get the brain weasels that eat me up about this off the hamster wheel that says "nobody cares" but they steadfastly refuse to move.

But I have to post, so I will. And just try to make it the best it can be, even if only my pals will read it. And I need to really get back to working on Celluloid Hero, which I had to put on hold, because I know there is a handful of people who are reading that one. Plus there's the Vividcon premieres vid. I've never vidded Star Wars before so this will be really interesting. I'm really looking forward to reading some of the CapRBB stories, though, once I finish with mine, though one of the ones I'm most looking forward to is coming at the end, [personal profile] sineala's 616 Bucky Barnes and Marvel Noir Tony Stark together. ::waves tentacle pom-poms in your general direction::

Anyway, that's what's new with me--weirdness and just being a dithering idiot and emotional basket case. How's by you?
gwyn: (vids)
Might there be anyone willing to beta my Club Vivid vid? It still needs a few things smoothed out and credits, but since it's been such a tricky vid for me to make, I would love a different set of eyes on it. It's Steve Rogers with Sam and Bucky and Peggy. The deadline is the 12th and so it would be something I'd need input on pretty quickly.

One of the reasons I've pushed it so far up against deadline is that I've been battling vertigo for over a week now, and I keep thinking it'll go away because I've been doing my exercies to get the particles back where they belong, but it's still hanging around, making me have trouble focusing, etc. I have an MRI for my back scheduled for Friday and I really hope it's gone by then, but at this rate, I don't know. The first few days were pretty brutal--the usual fight not to vomit, not being able to sleep because the room wouldn't stop spinning, etc. It's really compounded by my spine issues--I can't sit for long, but standing all the time isn't an option either, and so when I lie down to save my back from screaming agony, it makes the BPPV worse and then I'm fighting not to throw up. They tell you to avoid reclining chairs and to sleep with two pillows, neither of which are options for me because of pain levels. So damned by spinning and vomiting if I do, damned by severe pain if I don't. Bleh.

I have to get started on a premieres vid, too, but I haven't been able to do that either. Too much stuff. I really want to do a Star Wars vid, but getting workable copies of the first three movies seems to be a challenge I can't meet (my dvds, as an example, were so locked down by Luscasfilm's drm that I've never found a program that could rip them) and when I've looked at torrents all I find are mkvs. I'm a little nervous about trying to remove drm from Force Awakens and Rebel One, too, but I'm so in love with my idea that I can't quite let go of it. Vidding is hard, yo.

Heavy sigh

Apr. 24th, 2017 04:10 pm
gwyn: (8ball wizzicons)
Back in January, during the Snowflake Challenge, I mentioned that one of the things I've avoided doing for a couple years now was taking a dead hard drive with all the Media Cannibals vid remasters and digital copies in to a data recovery service, because I couldn't really handle the cost and still do any of the things I wanted to do, like take a vacation. And I floated the idea of crowdfunding it, but it makes me squirmy, asking people for financial help when so many are in serious need. An anonymous benefactor contacted me and offered to pay for the whole thing as long as the vids would make their way online, and I was really humbled and grateful, so I finally took it in to a data recovery service because of their generosity.

It turned out the service said they could have the manufacturer repair the thing that went bad inside the drive without sending it to one of those clean facilities, so they sent it off to the drive manufacturer and it was a simple repair (that took, inexplicably, 2 months of back and forthing with the local company I worked with and driving those guys crazy because they'd ping them at, like, three a.m.), and I got it back today. I haven't hooked it up yet, but I plan to soon, and pull everything off that drive.

Unfortunately…in the meantime, I must have said something that pissed my anonymous benefactor off, or done something, because they recently unfriended me (uncircled? what do we call it on DW?) and haven't responded to the private email I sent about the update. I could contact them again, but I feel kind of uncomfortable about it, I feel like they've made it clear they don't necessarily want to deal with me anymore, although they've been cordial to me when I've commented in their journal or others' journals. (Look, there's a reason Lit's My Own Worst Enemy is my theme song.)

And I also did the commission of the art I posted the other day, which, while not very much money at all, makes me feel even weirder about crowdfund help for the cost of the hard drive repair. So I'm really feeling…stupid and embarrassed about all of this, but hey, the drive's here, yay. I figured I'd at least just float my PayPal address out here, I guess, and if anyone feels like throwing a few bucks my way toward the $300 and change the drive cost to repair, I'll embarrassedly offer you my profuse thanks and also start trying to figure a way to get the vids digitized and hosted somewhere so that people can access them once again. My PP address is gwynethr at gmail dot com, and note that r on the end of gwynethr --you'd be amazed how many times people have left that out and things vanish into the ether (or someone else's email inbox). I guess if it's sent as a gift there's no fee? I'm not sure, really, I've never done this before.

ETA: You guys are so generous and thoughtful, seriously, but I really mean it when I say A COUPLE BUCKS. I know things are hard for a lot of people right now and a big chunk of change is not required, I don't want anyone to use funds they could put to something else more necessary!
gwyn: (abed spaceman grosserpepper)
I constantly tell myself I will post more than just fic and vid announcements, and then I don't, because reasons. But the foofaraw with LJ means I feel like I have to at least say that DW is my primary choice for journaling interaction these days, and if we're not already following each other, my user name over there is [personal profile] gwyn.

My plans are vague: I think I will do what a couple people have said they're doing, and lock all previous posts to friends lists. I think most of the gay porn horses are out the barn, but the fact that I can't actually read the new TOS but the journal is held hostage to it anyway bothers me. I also plan to stop crossposting after this one, but I will probably keep reading because there are a few communities that won't migrate that I don't really want to lose. I'm pretty sure at some point they will be disappeared by the new overlords, but for now having an LJ still, even if I don't use it myself, means I can communicate with them.

I had an interesting experience in the last go-round with the servers--as an experiment, I made a password that was basically an alphabet/numbers version of fucktheR******* and immediately I could no longer crosspost, I couldn't even post directly from LJ, but I could get into it. So I changed it to something benign, and suddenly I was able to crosspost and post directly again. Sure, maybe it's coincidence, but that sat really badly with me, and the fact that you can't securely browse the site left me pretty convinced they are paying attention to what people do. You can't have that much of a mass exodus of users and not pay attention. I deliberately don't support businesses and agencies that have agendas in opposition to my own, so I'm not going to support this one just because I won't be arrested in the Russian federation, or whatever the other mocking things people have said about those uncomfortable doing business with the new overlords. (Just for the record--it wasn't my friends list/people here on DW doing the mocking, it was some really hostile comments in a community I watch.)

And considering what happened with Syria, I just want to hunker down with people on DW and curl into a ball of anxiety and despair. I know everyone talks about how creating art in times like this is so important, but it is harder and harder to do that, you know? I have a lot on my plate: the Cap Reverse Big Bang, a WIP that needs a chapter update soon, a vid for Club Vivid and then figuring out some kind of vid for premieres at VVC, and work. Procrastination seems to be the order of the day for me, followed by a chaser of hopeless misery.

For some reason, I don't know why, I'm having a lot of…I don't even know what to call it. I can't stop thinking about my sister lately, having flashbacks to the last few days of her life and watching her die. I'm just going about my day and it's there suddenly. I was in California on the anniversary of her death, trying to just…enjoy myself and keeping it inside so I didn't bring anyone else down, but usually by now it eases off. It's so weird that Bucky's birthday is the day my sister died, I have emotional whiplash whenever I post a story for his birthday.

Anyways, hopefully I'll still be able to comment on LJ posts for as long as the journal is still there, but I'm signing off on new posts there for now.
gwyn: (penguinsucks infinitemonkeys)
I am in that fugue state where you have had so little sleep for the past however many days (in my case, since Thursday) that everything seems kind of trippy and weird, and people talk to you and you have no idea what they're saying, and your body aches and you're exhausted yet you can't, paradoxically, sleep.

All of this brought to me by puppies. If I ever try to sign up to foster a puppy litter again, shoot me. Just put me down before I even get close. I am numb with exhaustion, and I keep trying to find time to just write or do something other than clean up shit and pee, but it never happens. A lot of it is because the mama is not housetrained, and she will use potty pads but she misses more often than not, or tries to poop in strange places like she's upset and doesn't know what else to do. Always at the wee hours of the morning, too, and then first thing when I get up I'm cleaning poo off the little kiddie pool the puppies reside in, and I'm cleaning up her poo and puddles of pee, and oh my god, it hasn't been a week and already I am at the end of my rope. The laundry is never ending, because they pee and poop on the blankets of course, they're babies, and now that they're eating mush they are pooping real poo.

And then they're super cute and mouth on my fingers and lick my arms and hands and get all excited when they hear my voice and I'm like "oooooo" and almost all is forgiven. Mama will go outside during the day, but she has to eat pretty much all day long to nurse the pups so she poops constantly and that means at night, when I can't take her out all the time--or at least, I take her out at night, but she often just wanders around and doesn't do anything--I end up having to clean it up, and let me tell you, for a tiny, skinny, undernourished little 10 pound doggo, she poops for a dog about six times her size. And of course, there is, to me, no worse smell in the world than dog crap.

The babies also seem to love being active at night, and they whine and wail because Mum has taken to hanging out in her crate away from them as she gets closer to weaning, and they're like "whyyyyy have you forsaken us?" So far one of them--I think it's Kara Danvers, or it could be Winn Schott--has escaped the pool and I've had to go rescue them, you'd have thought they were being murdered. And Blues is hostile, of course, to Mum and so she's in a constant state of terror about coming out to the living room or office and she's already super, super timid and afraid, but when he's gone after her there hasn't been any contact though from the screaming you'd have thought he had cut her throat. I am just stressed the fuck out.

[profile] blackbird777 came down on Saturday and actually stayed with them all for an hour so I could go out and run some errands. It's tough to be away for long, what with all the problems and the fucking drama. Tomorrow I'll probably have to move them into a pen, which will be harder for the mother to get into and out of, meaning I'll have to be standing by a lot more. Ugh.

They are cute as hell and funny and their personalities are coming out, but wow, is this killing me. I'm trying to post at least a pic a day, if not video, on Tumblr and Instagram. Hopefully if I'm ever stupid enough to try this again, I'll look at my feed and remember this.
gwyn: (8ball wizzicons)
It is…incredibly hard to motivate yourself to create anything when everything you do just bombs. The feeling of why bother is like a mountain in between you and the work, and you have no climbing gear to get over it, not even a rope.

My Yuletide assignment is…meh. I never expected that fandom and I have no ideas and my recipient still hasn't made a letter or given me any useful details, so it might be people in a white room, which I hate writing but there it is.

We are being pounded by storms in the Northwest (apparently the end of a typhoon!), and tonight is expected to be even worse than yesterday, which means I will most likely lose power and roads could be really iffy--and I have to do a presentation at 8:30 in the morning about a 40 minute drive from here (what kind of conference puts panels at 8:30 on a Sunday morning? It's inhuman). I'm really nervous about this, because I live in an area with lots of trees and I'll have to get across two bridges--and I'd hate to strand my co-panelist with the whole thing.

The fears are not unwarranted--this is what happened to my neighbor's tree across the street yesterday, so I'm very worried about my own house and yard, as well. Last time we had a high wind warning, a huge limb came off my fir tree and thank god it missed the house and the little tree nearby.

tree

A lot of the stores are out of bottled water and basics; I have to pick up prescriptions and cat food and whatnot today, could be interesting. Thursday we had biblical rain, enough that I was really worried when killabeez and her spouse left my house because they needed an ark, really, for that trip. And then yesterday was more epic rain and winds, so tonight, with more rain and wind, could be…well, it was nice knowing everyone!

I'm leaving on Monday, too, for Washington DC and I'm crossing my fingers that flights aren't too affected. If anyone is in the area who might like to meet up, I'll have some time on my hands. I'll be staying in the west end neighborhood, but I can get pretty much anywhere in the city. It was a really super short notice trip, so I realize people might not be able to set something up that fast.

I hope to take a day trip up to NYC next Friday--I'd hoped to spend the weekend there like usual, but it didn't work out with my friend and now it might just be a day trip, taking a late train home. If anyone in New York might enjoy meeting up for drinks or dinner, let me know, I'd love to see someone while I'm there, though I know it's short notice. I was most hoping to see the Captain America statue, which I guess is…somewhere in Brooklyn now, not Prospect Park, but I'm not sure what the timing will be like
gwyn: (bucky winter soldier)
I had to go down to the mall yesterday for reasons, and I thought I'd stop off at the Target nearby--I saw that they had an exclusive Funko Pop bobblehead Bucky with the missing metal arm, and while that horrifies me and saddens me, I am also a completist and I figured I could pick up the Civil War blu-ray disc too. But no bobblehead for me--there was not much to be found, even though it's a huge store compared to the one near me, which I avoid going to like the plague (partly for reasons of Target being a huge contributor to right-wing politicians, especially in their home state of Minnesota, and partly because jesus it's like my nightmare with screaming kids and screaming parents and all this mass merchandise cheaply made crap), and while they did have the Captain America First Avenger shirt I've been thinking about buying, and in a size I can wear, I just didn't want to buy from them if they didn't also have the Bucky bobblehead. Maybe I'll see if one shows up on eBay I can afford for a self birthday present or something.

I also couldn't remember which version of the blu-ray I wanted to buy--I saw a post on tumblr that listed all the different special bonus features, but for the life of me I can't find it again. I hate it when studios do these kinds of things, and I didn't enjoy the movie, but I do want to have it so I can at least fast forward to all the Cap family bits.

I met up with my BFF and we grabbed some lunch and then went down to the marina and he was going to show me how Pokemon Go works--I have no game gene, and less than zero interest in it, but I'm always curious about other people's fandoms so I had wanted to see what it was like so I could make some of the stuff I see around the net make sense. Unfortunately it was an unexpected millionty degrees out and there was no shade, we were getting the sun beating down on us from above and reflected up from the water, and we couldn't really see much of the screen on his phone. But it was kind of hilarious, I thought: apparently there are tons of the poke things around the marina and so there were dozens and dozens of people walking along the waterfront, phones in front of their faces. Apparently BFF usually goes at night, and the people who live on boats and in the condos lining the waterfront are all pretty cranky that there are suddenly tons of people wandering around at night so they're thinking of closing the entire area (it's pretty huge) off after ten, or just flat-out banning them. He was commenting that he's down there almost every night, he hasn't seen a single rowdy person ever, but the people who live there and moor boats there just don't want those brown people or those young people defiling their neighborhood by their presence.

I haven't written anything at all since the big bang, I'm trying to find the impetus when I don't really feel like it or like it's worth the time. But I did get one thing done related to the BB story--I actually didn't expect anyone to ask for the list of songs Steve would have heard on the radio when Bucky came back into the dream, but a couple people did, so I made the first of two playlists on YouTube and 8tracks--I don't expect anyone else to be interested, but the links are here on this tumblr post with a listing of songs. This one is for 1950s-1960s, and I'm still noodling with the one for 1970s through the aughts when Steve wakes up.

(I also was notified that there is a new Stucky Big Bang starting up on LJ, which…intrigues me. They said it was for people who missed the deadline for participation in the last one, but I kind of wondered if it might have something to do with the way so many of us got fucked over in the stucky library one.)

The other thing I'm working on is the sections for the One Hour Vid that astolat and killabeez began at their VVC panel--making a crowdsource vid, basically, at the con, but it wasn't finished there. They took volunteers so we could make the whole vid, and I'm trying to relearn how to work in Premiere but it defeats me utterly. On the surface it seems like Final Cut, but it has all these tiny differences that make no sense to me and frustrate the living shit out of me. I've got the clips laid in for the first section I volunteered for, I just can't figure out how to make it work visually because of the window settings and cutting people out of the frames.
gwyn: (buckaroo jidabug)
So…that was an…eventful week.

Last Thursday, wickedwords and I were heading out around noon for VVC, and our flight got delayed for at least 45 minutes, so there was some frantic texting with astolat about dinner plans because we'd be coming in so late (I swear both of us actually thought the tickets she bought for us were for the 10 am flight), but then poor astolat ended up being delayed even longer than us due to the thunderstorms around everywhere. Turned out the restaurant closed at 9, which, what the hell, so it was Outback for us, but we got to hang and unwind a little, and catch up, and she saved my sanity by having extra earplugs, which I'd forgotten to pack. It was hilarious on the outbound flight, though: while we were waiting to board, we were just loud enough that jarrow heard us and came over to say hi, because he was on the same flight. Rache and I got seated, her in the middle seat, me in the aisle, and after a few minutes of people coming down the aisle I heard her guffaw and looked up to see jarrow there--he had the window seat next to us. We laughed and laughed--and it was great because he and I were both writing fic and that way you definitely don't have to worry about hiding your laptop with your slash on it.

Chicago was fucking hot--like, knock you back when you step out on the jetway from the plane hot. And I struggled almost the whole time with it, even when it was raining and the heat index dropped a little. We at least got to the store on Friday for some stuff, and I didn't feel like I was going to drop from heat stroke, but man, there were definitely days on this trip that I thought it might happen.

Someone had reblogged an old fic announcement post about Dream of Caramel, which had generated a little flurry of interest in the fic, and more reblogs, so that was an unexpected, rare little bit of pleasantness that made my weekend a lot brighter. Friday night was the premieres show this year, and I'd been more than a little surprised to see, when I got my reg stuff on Thursday, that the vid cesperanza and I made this year was listed first. OMG the pressure! It seemed to go over well, and I posted it that night when I was hanging out in destina's room, though I was a tiny bit tipsy and made a bunch of typos.

I did not expect the flurry of reblogs and comments and stuff! That doesn't usually happen for my vids so it was very cool but also kind of overwhelming and I spent Saturday in a bit of a haze (pleasant, don't get me wrong, but definitely a haze). Got dressed in my Bucky Barnes red henley and dark gray t-shirt, dark jeans, and shooting glove and baseball cap, for Club Vivid, and it was so funny watching people look at me and do a doubletake, thinking I wasn't in a costume and then realizing that I was, and who I was dressed as. I didn't dance as much as I wanted to, because of the aforementioned overheating--I just couldn't seem to get my feet under me half the time, between the Chicago steambath and the hot flashes and all that. My vid, Dangerous, was early on in the show, and for once, the entire dance floor didn't empty out when my vid came on! Yay! Plus it got the anxiety out of the way so I could enjoy the rest of the show. Absolutedestiny brought back some great old vids and it was really a wonderful show this year, I thought.

Sunday was more vid shows and panels and hanging out, and watching the number of notes climb on tumblr--it was all so fascinating. I didn't attend a lot of panels or shows over the weekend, preferring to hang with people I don't get to see much like destina and kassrachel and dorinda and par avion and talitha78, and it was really, really nice to spend time with people and just talk, especially when people were willing to indulge my desire to talk about Steve and Bucky or go get a cruller with me. :-D

Because of the Sebastian Stan fiasco, I was still planning to stay in Chicago for a few days, and I took an Uber into the city. I was planning to work on my Stucky Big Bang story and hang with devilpiglet and a couple other Chicago people--before I left, the artist who signed up for my fic sent me two additional sketches for my story and they are so amazing, it was so inspiring to see art come from my words, I just…it really made that push to get toward the end of the story so much easier, and I'm so excited to see the final drawings they do.

Monday night I spent with devilpiglet at a nice Thai place across from the hotel, and when I got back I had an email from cesperanza asking me about the YouTube file for our vid--she said there were some repeating clips and I thought, no, that must be some kind of browser issue, but nope, it was…completely, utterly borked, for the entire second half of the vid. It was SO bizarre--there were at least a dozen clips that basically cut off and then repeated, which in some cases cut the already tight editing down and made it look like I had flash frames in and that I was a terrible editor. I was sick to my stomach. There wasn't a thing I could do about it, though, except put a note on the YT file and the AO3 page and let people know they might want to wait till I was home to link or rec. I'd watched the vid at least twice a day from the moment I posted it, because I don't trust YT and I was using a different codec, but it was always fine, until, apparently, it wasn't.

I also checked Dangerous and the beginning of that one was messed up. I didn't sleep at all Monday night, I was ragged and exhausted with trying to figure out what had happened, and angsting over the whole thing. In the morning on Tuesday I checked Dangerous first, and it was…fine. But I noticed YT had removed the 1080p quality setting and now only allowed a max of 720p. I just had no idea what to make of anything, but I went out to Starbucks for breakfast and then I wanted to walk over to the Miracle Mile, because I'd never seen that when I've been in Chicago before.

When I got there I opened up tumblr, just to check how the vids were doing, and saw that I had a personal message from someone, and it turned out to be the person who's doing a new stucky fic recs site that is really well written and thoughtful. She said she'd been reading my stuff and liking it, and that made me just…forget all about the Sturm und Drang of the Spaceboy fiasco, but then she added that she'd written up a rec for I can't remember how this started (but I can tell you exactly how it ends), my Winter Soldier-goes Groundhog Day story, and I swear I nearly swooned right there in Starbucks. Like, I never expected in a million years that I, a no-name fan, would ever get a story recced there. It made me feel so much better. I got a handful of comments and kudos from it, which, combined with the comments on Spaceboy and Dangerous, left me feeling better enough to spend the day writing in my room instead of rending my garments and screaming at YT, with breaks for a swim and seeking out food. Then devilpiglet and I hit the hotel bar and had a light dinner and she introduced me to rumchata (in the form of milkshakes) and OMG where has that been all my life? I am buying a bottle of that next time I hit the store, for sure.

We'd planned to go to the Shedd aquarium on Wednesday, but I kind of hit a wall, so she took me to see the beach at the lake, another thing I've never really done, but…I totally crapped out on her. The anxiety about the vid had kind of done me in, and the heat was killing me. We did stop to eat at a cool '70s diner place, and walked through some beautiful neighborhoods with amazing houses, and went to this really neat architectural salvage place, and then she took me to the airport. We got there earlier than expected, but I was so glad we left when we did after she texted me later and told me about Obama's visit basically shutting down the expressway, so yay for that. Of course my flight was delayed, but I hung out for a while at this nice bar we discovered a few years ago in the L terminal, and the bartender admired my Bucky Barnes shirt. Needless to say I gave him a nice tip. After some more delays it was home again, home again, and I got home very late last night to an insanely loving kitty cat.

This morning I got up and started to work on exporting a new video file to upload to YT, start fixing things. One of the things I hate about YT is that you can't fix a video, you have to reupload to a whole new page, and that means all the links will break and whatnot. But I got a text just as I was opening up Final Cut, from cesperanza, saying that it seemed to be playing fine, so we talked about it on the phone while I watched it and yup, it was totally unborked. I have this once-bitten feeling, like I can't trust it's not going to happen again, but as she put it, it's a chance to reblog the announcement and whip up more interest, so that was today. I have no idea why it happened, I can only assume YT made some kind of code change like they're always doing (the timing on the vid even changed, and I notice it still only allows 720p), but I feel like they took about 6 years off my life and they owe me, the bastards. So right now it's fine, and if you were waiting to watch because of my notes on the AO3 page, go cast your eyeballs upon it and enjoy!

And now I'm very sleepy, still on Chicago time, but I think I will see how much writing I can do tonight, and hope to finish this damn story by tomorrow. Posting deadline is the 29th, but wow, do I have a lot of editing and rewrites to get through, and I don't want to wait till the last minute. I've had enough of bad things happening for a while, and I feel like that's courting fate.

It's been a wild rollercoaster of a week, full of drama and trauma and ongoing saga, and lots of people I love and really sweet things happening and vids and fic and just a flurry of Things That Don't Usually Happen to Me.
gwyn: (steve rogers fullhouse)
Ugh, I'm sicker than a dog, and there is all this stuff to do and deadlines to meet. Usually the first three days of a cold are the worst and then I get better; it's been the opposite this time, I was just mildly inconvenienced the first three days and then yesterday got hit with full-on Martian Death Flu.

Nevertheless I had wanted to do something for my 3,000th post on Tumblr, because normally I never notice the milestones but for some reason I did this time, and it was Memorial Day, and I was watching the first Captain America movie and thinking about that great kid who gets thrown in the water, and wrote this dumb little tumblr ficlet that you can also read here.

Dedication )
gwyn: (bucky confusedface)
I don't know why I waste time writing meta, it never seems worth the effort, but I wrote a thing on Tumblr about Bucky and blinking and how it's yet another physical indicator of his internal thought processes in the bank vault scene of Captain America: The Winter Soldier. If you're inclined to read that sort of thing, as Mr. Sam Wilson might say. I knew that minor in speech communication would be useful someday, too bad it's just for a Tumblr post. I always feel like I'm talking into a void, both because few people are journaling these days and nothing ever really goes anywhere on Tumblr, and yet I continue to do it.

Speaking of Sam Wilson, I hear his birthday is the 23rd. I'm writing a sam hill story (Sam/Maria), I think, in honor of that, but I'm floundering past the initial premise of him asking her out. If you have any prompts you'd be interested in, let me know. I can't promise I'll use it, but I might!

The repairs on the south wall of my house are done. It looks like a new house if you only look at that wall. So that was thousands and thousands of dollars I hadn't planned on spending. Yay. I wish so much that that was money I could have used to help people, it seems a lot of people I know are going through really rough times, and I would so much rather have spent it on them. But when it's completely rotten and falling apart, you can't keep ignoring it the way I have for the past few years.

And that's the only updating I have.
gwyn: (skinny steve)
I miss Miss Kitty so much. I can't stop thinking about how terribly she died, and Blues is still so...I don't know. Different. Last night he was sleeping and made this howling noise in his sleep, which he's never done before. He got pretty sick a few weeks ago, though, so I suppose he's just different in a lot of ways. I had to take him to the vet urgently, which meant lots of $$, and his lungs were not looking good. They were concerned he has kitty asthma or heart problems, but the steroid and antibiotic shots they gave him seemed to help a lot. But he's not the same. I know how crazy that sounds, but he's not. I know some of it is health, some of it is missing Olive, some of it is that he's the solo kitty here and he doesn't have competition.

Even though I can't really afford it (I am right now having contractors in to rebuild the south wall of my house, because the siding was peeling away and the underlayer was disintegrating, and wow, talk about beaucoup bucks), I'm making my plans to go to DC again in October. It's probably the last time my friend will be there when I can visit, and then we'll head up to NYC either for one or two nights. Pretty much same thing I did last year. I had so much fun location scouting for Cap2; I won't have quite the same level of fun this time in that respect, but I've made some new acquaintances since then that I can meet up with, so that would be good. Just trying to hold on to one or two things that make me feel like I can keep going.

I'm writing, but it's hard. I just feel like it's pointless, a waste of time.

These are some pictures that black_bird_777 took of Olive a few years ago in the backyard. She was such an amazing kitty. It's hard to sleep without her purring by my head and her little head resting on my hand. Plus she had the daintiest little feet, and I miss feeling them on my back when she'd walk across me.

_MG_1251
_MG_3170
_MG_3181
gwyn: (skinny steve)
I miss Miss Kitty so much. I can't stop thinking about how terribly she died, and Blues is still so...I don't know. Different. Last night he was sleeping and made this howling noise in his sleep, which he's never done before. He got pretty sick a few weeks ago, though, so I suppose he's just different in a lot of ways. I had to take him to the vet urgently, which meant lots of $$, and his lungs were not looking good. They were concerned he has kitty asthma or heart problems, but the steroid and antibiotic shots they gave him seemed to help a lot. But he's not the same. I know how crazy that sounds, but he's not. I know some of it is health, some of it is missing Olive, some of it is that he's the solo kitty here and he doesn't have competition.

Even though I can't really afford it (I am right now having contractors in to rebuild the south wall of my house, because the siding was peeling away and the underlayer was disintegrating, and wow, talk about beaucoup bucks), I'm making my plans to go to DC again in October. It's probably the last time my friend will be there when I can visit, and then we'll head up to NYC either for one or two nights. Pretty much same thing I did last year. I had so much fun location scouting for Cap2; I won't have quite the same level of fun this time in that respect, but I've made some new acquaintances since then that I can meet up with, so that would be good. Just trying to hold on to one or two things that make me feel like I can keep going.

I'm writing, but it's hard. I just feel like it's pointless, a waste of time.

These are some pictures that black_bird_777 took of Olive a few years ago in the backyard. She was such an amazing kitty. It's hard to sleep without her purring by my head and her little head resting on my hand. Plus she had the daintiest little feet, and I miss feeling them on my back when she'd walk across me.

_MG_1251
_MG_3170
_MG_3181
gwyn: (bucky confusedface)
I know I owe a lot of people responses or comments, about my previous posts and the recent fic, and I'm sorry I haven't done that. I'm just having a really hard time right now. I keep seeing Ollie's broken little body, how mangled she was and how brutally and terribly she died, and nothing really means anything right now. I found a little sleeping kitty statue to put over her grave, and some plants to plant around it, but Blues keeps going over to the spot where I put her body when I was trying to find something to wrap her in, and lying down there. And he wouldn't sit in the perch all week, maybe because she wasn't around for him to chase out of it, and he doesn't seem to really know what to do with himself. We're a pair, because I don't either.

And of course now the horrible heat wave has broken but it's too late, she's gone, but hey, don't have to open the doors to get some air in the house anymore, whatever. I'm slated to leave for Vividcon on the 4th, but I wish I wasn't going. Even though I'm traveling with my beloved killabeez, and we're going in early to Chicago and staying at a posh hotel and sightseeing, I just don't care about much of anything right now and the idea of socializing fills me with dread, plus no one's going to want to socialize with me because I'm not exactly good company right now. I couldn't ask for a better person to travel with though, and I'm sure we'll find fun things to do (plus I get to meet up with my dear devilpiglet, as well).

I'm even going to be cosplaying Rachel Duncan from Orphan Black for the dance party, along with other clone sestras, but I just…all I feel is massive depression. I have gauze and a pencil, am waiting for pajamas to arrive that I pray are going to fit, but all I could find was short-sleeve, plus I wish my hair was still blond, I'm not really going to look anything like Rachel. Still, wearing pajamas for Club Vivid will be easy.

I just miss my girl so much. I don't want to wash my sheets because all the fur where she slept will be gone. I don't want to put her little confiscated dog bed away (every foster dog that tried to reclaim the dog bed for the canine set was met with a swift paw to the snout). Putting away her food dish and her milk dish was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. And I can't explain to Blues what's wrong, and he's really upset most of the time.
gwyn: (bucky steve bar)
Okay, Orange Crush it was! Thanks for weighing in, my friends.

Geez, I went to a new dermatologist today about something that was starting to really scare me when coupled with the cough that wouldn't go away, and that turned out to be okay, but she removed two moles from my forehead for biopsy that look problematic. And they won't stop bleeding. And they hurt. It shouldn't hurt this much nor bleed so much, but I'm a bleeder. I'm going through bandages like crazy. Putting pressure on them doesn't seem to help. Tonight should be fun.

Also I have a cyst right over my spine and that's going to be fun having removed. At least I can wait till after Vividcon for that.

This story I'm writing has now ballooned to 13,000 words. It's supposed to be schmoopy fluff. What the hell?
gwyn: (beaten cap shield)
On Saturday I had a tea party with some friends, where I get to break out the Red Wing Pepe midcentury dishware pattern I started collecting a few years ago and my cool midcentury modern stuff and make tea and eat stuff I shouldn't. It's the only time you'll likely be at a tea party where you also get to talk about blood and guts and gore and sexual shenanigans while eating scones and drinking orange blossom oolong. Seriously, we were talking about this fanart I love where Steve gets deserumed and Hydra carves their logo on his chest and he's given to the Winter Soldier and then we were all laughing hysterically because yeah, that's not your typical tea party conversation. I love fans.

Anyway, I was lamenting my worries about the Vividcon auction, like ya do when you know people are going to spend money on you and you worry about whether you can do what they want, and without my realizing it for a while [personal profile] minim_calibre started bidding on me, and [personal profile] killabeez was plotting as well. After everyone had left--such a lovely time! Thank you all again for coming!--I went across the alley to see my old next door neighbor, who was visiting my other neighbor, and chatted and caught up, and then I came back home and the auction had ended. There was an email from Killa saying VICTORY IS MINE! and I knew, from being in a bidding cabal with her before, that she'd had trouble in past auctions getting the vidders she wanted, so she was very happy to make me her vidding slave.

So now I am owned by Killa and we're talking songs and fandoms and I am so excite! You always worry that you might not be sympatico with whoever buys you, just like there's always that tension before you get your fandom assignment for Festivids. It's great to be able to do a vid for someone you love. I've been so lucky in my vidding gift/auction vid assignments--for three years running in Festivids I've been assigned someone I like, and in the first VVC auction I got bought by kadymae/devilc, so I cannot complain about this. This is gonna be FUN.

OTOH I'm tortured by what I want to make for premieres, and I have a book coming in in a couple days with a ridic deadline and I really want to finish this goddam Steve/Bucky fic that's been torturing me for MONTHS now and makes me want to spork my eyes out and claw my face off. It's not worth the effort, I know it's not, and yet here I struggle.

The one bad thing about Saturday was that I found out Vimeo has removed all of my vids without any warning. It says I have zero vids, and I can't seem to log in even after requesting my password and stuff. I knew they were banhammering new vids, but I didn't think they were just flat-out deleting older ones, and I'm kind of sick about it. I just don't have the time or inclination to put those up on my YouTube channel but people don't seem to want to DL vids just to view them these days. Ugh. I hate it. Especially because one of them was the Flashpoint vid that Hugh Dillon tweeted about a couple years ago, and now it's just gone. Fuck you, Vimeo. God, I hate YouTube but that's really the only option now.
gwyn: (buckaroo jidabug)
I'm sitting out on the balcony of our amazing ocean-front hotel room, watching the surfers and the people walking along Ocean Blvd. beach walk and enjoying the weather, waiting for Tina to wake up again. She went off before dawn to do sunrise photography, a perfect complement to the sunset photography she did on the roof terrace last night. It was stunning, some small band of clouds suddenly making an appearance just as the sun went below the horizon so that we got crepuscular rays. Toward the actual sunset a number of people joined us on the terrace and everyone was asking her about her professional equipment.

I bought a fancy cocktail in the bar and brought it up to lie back on the chaise and drink while waiting for sunset, and of course spilled it right away. That was really the only major downside of the day--even with a last minute gate change to the far satellite terminal at the airport, it wasn't as crappy traveling as usual, and I even had a middle seat free next to me, which is unheard of on Alaska flights--the guy in the window seat and I were looking at each other like "dare we hope?" as they closed the doors. Made the trip a lot better.

Lindbergh airport is nearly exactly the same as the last time I left it--ten years ago. I was surprised how little it had changed. It looks like they're making some cosmetic changes to the terminal Alaska flies into, but otherwise it's largely the same. And as we were driving around yesterday, I realized there were still so many businesses and buildings that haven't changed in a decade, either.

Oooo! An armada of pelicans just flew right in front of my face!

Anyway. That makes me feel probably even sadder than I was coming down. But it's so beautiful right now that it helps mitigate some of the sadness--today it's going to be 71 F and we're hoping to head over to Coronado. We went to the Cat Cafe we'd read about on Cute Overload yesterday, which was nice, and stopped for food nearby. Downtown/Gaslamp district has changed the most. It used to be just business and the Horton Place mall, and now it's absolutely filled with condos and apartment buildings and everything's bustling. At one point I was just standing there blinking, realizing I didn't know ANYthing of where I was, that I couldn't identify a single thing. And felt incredibly old, too.

But this is the first time I felt like I really understood why my sister loved living here. I had always had the dream that eventually I'd move down here with her and we'd live in a house and complain about the kids these days and have a million cats. Maybe I'll still move down here (hah, like I could afford it), and yell at clouds in her memory or something. But it's so gorgeous, and still a small city in spite of everything, a beach community still in so many ways. Pacific Beach was always my favorite, and the hotel is fantastic, really chic and lovely but still has that feel like it belongs to a beach community. I could get used to the terrible water if it came with sunshine and the occasional marine layer cool day, just the things sis_r liked best.

We went to Joe's Crab Shack for dinner last night, where I'd gone with sis_r years ago before it became a big chain. Got too much to eat, but it was strange, going there and then walking by the bar where we'd played pool. I don't know that there's a part of town I don't have a memory of her, and maybe that's the thing, I need to come here more often and make new ones.

God, I don't want to leave and go up to that putrid hotel in the putrid airport district of LA. :::cries forever:::

mmmm hunky surfers in half-off wetstuits walking by...
gwyn: (bucky confusedface)
I got two valentines in the mail these past two days--one from [personal profile] sperrywink (with chocolates!! and a Captain America valentine!!) and one from [personal profile] dine. Couldn't have come at a better time since I've been feeling really blue again and battling the worthless/pointless feelings about writing and vidding.

Went up to Vancouver last weekend and stayed at a posh hotel. My friend was going to a hockey game, whilst I stayed safely ensconced in my toasty room with a lovely view, reading and writing fanfic and eating things that are bad for me. Honestly that's my idea of a good time. We went to the bar both before and after the game, and I had the charcuterie and it was utterly divine, and on Friday, the day we went up, we went out to dinner at our favorite place, a Belgian restaurant. I felt bad for my friend in that she had to walk all the way down near the restaurant again the next night for her game, but I do like walking in that city, even though it's always fucking raining when I'm there. Vancouver is now the second most expensive city to live in, besting even NYC, which is kind of mind-boggling when you think about it. Of course, when we were leaving, we got sunshine finally, but at least that meant a less terrifying drive back. I was just sad her team lost the game; it's never fun to drive all the way up there and watch your team lose.

Finally--finally!--getting into reading the Fraction Hawkeye books proper. It's taken me forever to do more than read a random book here and there. Of course it's even more wonderful when you're reading it in linear order.
gwyn: (steve rogers fullhouse)
Thanks for the birthday greetings! It was a pretty good day overall -- I met up with [personal profile] minim_calibre for sushi lunch, and she was kind enough to give me an adorable blue Captain America bag, and inside it she'd put her chibi Cap shirt that I had admired when we got together a while ago. I went to the store where she got hers, but they were all gone, so I figured it was no Cap for me, but she wanted to get another one in a color she prefers, so she gave me the shirt off her back!

Then I got home and found a beautiful floral bouquet and chocolates on my doorstep from [personal profile] killabeez, which was so uplifting.

I had drinks with my neighbor, and then watched the first Cap movie while I read fanfic, so all in all it was a very Capilicious birthday, which is a good kind to have. The only bad side of the day was that holy crapballs was it raining -- the streets were mostly flooded everywhere I went, and I nearly got creamed by a large van in Ballard going about 40 through a blind intersection that left me really badly shaken. It was a very close near miss, and I was definitely thinking of the two other people on my flists who actually did get in accidents on or around Thanksgiving.

I got some messages from sis_r's friends, and I haven't heard much from them in a long time, so that was nice. One of the hardest things about not having anyone around anymore is that I feel like I'm the only person left who remembers my sister, like her imprint upon the world has just vanished except for me. So I'm glad that there are a couple people who still do remember her birthday and that she was here in the world.
gwyn: (troy abed hug)
I had a lot of fun last year doing the December talking meme. I hesitated this year, thinking I would do it and then suddenly panicking, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it. Or try to. Yeah. I'm committed.

Pick a date, any date:

1. [profile] daria234--A vid you would like to make or see made for a rare pairing.
2.
3.
4. [personal profile] sholio--a narrative trope you like, and what makes it appealing to you?
5. [personal profile] ixchel55--What inspires you to make a vid? Do you go crazy for a show/pairing/movie and then shop around for a song that matches it? Or do you hear a song and think 'Man, what a great vid that would make' and then think of a fandom to match it to. Inquiring minds want to know!
6. [personal profile] roseveare-- Talk about the show Miracles. I remember that vid, so you're one of about three people I'm aware of that know this show.
7. [personal profile] chelletoo--What is your favourite city that you've visited? and what makes it your favourite?
8.
9.
10. [personal profile] musesfool-- tell me about Steve and Bucky and all their feelings for each other
11.
12. [personal profile] umadoshi--Where would you like to go that you've never been, and/or what place that you've traveled to would you most like to revisit?
13. [personal profile] ranalore--What makes a good vidding song?
14.
15. [personal profile] grammarwoman--Is there a fandom you resisted but fell into anyway, or one that you thought would be a great fit for you but turned out bleh?
16.
17. [personal profile] dine--I'd love to hear about a vid idea you have, but will probably never actually make (and why not)
18.
19.
20. [personal profile] sperrywink--Tell me about creating the Shelter vid. (song choice, clips,
rebuilding it, etc)
21.
22.
23.
24. [personal profile] batdina--how about a memory of your childhood that you love to remember.
25.
26.[personal profile] trepkos--What time period would you want to live in, if you couldn't live in this
one, and why?
27.
28.
29.
30.
31.

I'm trying to gear up mentally for my birthday on Friday. You'd think after all these years, having a birthday alone would get easier, but it just seems to get harder and harder without sis_r. And it's always extra worse when it's on or just adjacent to Thanksgiving, because she was usually home around that time and girl loved to shop at all the fancy shops downtown, so the Black Friday sales were very happy-making for her. I might, if I think I can find the mental space, do a fic-prompt thing on my Tumblr and spend the day writing ficlets or something, I don't have that many followers so I can't see getting a deluge of prompts or whatever. I don't know. We'll see.

For the sweeties who've asked--I really don't need or want anything, honestly. The nicest thing anyone could ever "get" me would be something like comments or feedback on a fic or vid, or just being there to let me whine a bit about how much I miss being a twin. Or if you're local and want to hang out and have a drink or something (preferably someplace far away from a mall), let me know.

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