I'm faded

[gwyn]

Man, I know lately it's been a struggle for me, with so many things that keep piling up and piling up on the depression (watching my fandom get eaten alive, constantly getting confronted with these people who hate my fic/me and the really shitty things they say, my pain levels getting worse and worse and no real way out of it, that feeling like everything's falling apart in slo-mo and I don't have anyone left in my life to help me put the brakes on, they're all dead), but I wasn't expecting to have a guest lecture tip me over the edge into full meltdown mode yesterday. I don't know how people who teach for a living do it. My hat is off to you. Seriously. Especially people who teach adult learners who act like they actively don't want to learn.

I used to teach in the editing program at the University of Washington, but I can't say I ever enjoyed it, though there was always a rock star student or two who made it feel worthwhile; then the program wanted to make my optional practicum course mandatory and I was like, nope, not enough spoons, too busy with paying jobs (the sheer volume of work it would have entailed at the laughable compensation they were giving me was ridiculous), and ended up creating a one-day proofreading workshop through the program instead. I really enjoyed that so much more, despite the constant fucking-up the program support staff did on it, and the people who took it seemed to mostly enjoy it and get a lot of useful information. Then the U decided to not offer it, without telling me or involving me in the decision, and so now I just do guest lectures on some of the stuff I used to teach in the practicum at the now-mandatory class. I went a few weeks ago to the first of the spring classes--two different units, one in a.m. and one in p.m., and then the second set yesterday.

And they're completely black and white: what I'm talking about is kind of boring and unpleasant, building an editing career stuff, so I try to make it funny and engaging and lively, and the morning crowd both times was enthusiastic, engaged, laughing at all my jokes, asking lots of questions. Thanking me afterward for coming. The afternoon crowd is…well, dead, my friend who runs the class called it, but it felt almost hostile both times. They sat there unmoving, staring at me, even a couple who had resting hate face maybe but they seemed like they were glaring, unresponsive, never laughed or even smiled except one lone woman, and had no questions. Either time, not a single question. Both times this guy sat sort of right in front of me so I couldn't avoid him in the sight line and he never moved once, just sat there staring at me with what felt like contempt, it was downright creepy.

And something about that just made all this other stuff (and there's a lot of it, not just those things I mentioned) just implode inside me and it was a struggle not to come home and buy a package of double stuff Oreos and a carton of Ho-Hos and a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi and maybe a bottle of vodka and eat until I barfed myself into a coma (I didn't though). I don't even know why that was the final straw, but it just…ugh. And then reading this constant attack on characters I love in the Cap-verse made me wander around the house wringing my hands and urgently texting people my anguish, who couldn't respond because they have, you know, a life.

I have to get the energy/motivation to work on a VVC premieres vid but I'm at sea about what to do with it; I feel like the last couple vids I've made have been pretty abject failures. I came out of Winter Soldier with at least 12 story ideas and a burning desire to write; the closing of the canon in Civil War makes me not even want to finish the unwritten things I have, though I'm officially signed up for the Stucky Big Bang and have sent in my summary, so I have to do that.

Maybe I should take a page out of sholio's book, which is always a good book to take from: Send me a prompt with Captain America-verse characters and I'll write at least a 100-word ficlet for you in comments. I can't promise it'll be right away, and I can't promise to do all of them (especially if it's not in my wheelhouse) but I'll do my best with my admittedly limited spoons right now.

Comments

[twistedchick]

Prompt (feel free to skip it if it doesn't work for you): the Daily Avenger is a small independent Manhattan newspaper published by Tony Stark, with Pepper as the managing editor, Steve and Natasha and Thor as police and general assignment reporters, Clint as the sports reporter, Bruce as medical/science reporter, Nick Fury as advertising manager, Colson as city editor and various others in various roles, as you see fit.

Whatever you think would work, go with it.

[kore]

Oh man, all that really sucks. I'm so sorry.

I know what you mean about the difference between post-TWS and post-CW, too. Post-TWS I was so excited! There was all the fic! I wrote some fic! And....well, I didn't like the movie, and there's already so much nasty infighting, and there's already a shitload of post-coda CW fix-it fics and I just can't get into it. No. I want to keep doing what I was doing, which was basically for me in the first place, but it feels really different.

A prompt! ooh yeah. I will think about it. I want to offer a good one.

[kore]

Also good on ya mate for not binging and purging, that stuff is really fucking hard. Really hard.

[ratcreature]

Maybe a slice of life ficlet for Bucky (re-)discovering something he enjoys? Like something like the glimpses we got of that in CW, that he had a flat, doing ordinary stuff and such.

[devilc]

Did Sam and Bucky try to talk Cap out of the VW Beetle? Did they Rock Paper Scissors to see who got to ride shotgun?

[cesperanza]

Grades are due tomorrow but after that I will have more of a lifffffe omg! :D :D

[kass]

I am so sorry about the pain levels, and about people being unkind, and about everything that's hard. I send love.

[raine]

(((hugs)))

[sholio]

I'm so sorry things are so rough right now. :( I hope you are able to get your vidding mojo back for VVC; your vids are wonderful and we need more of them! ♥ ♥ ♥

Prompt: Bucky helping Sam pick out a present for Steve (or vice versa).

[tamsin]

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. *hugs*

I haven't watched all your vids yet (because I'm a terribly slow vid watcher), but I think you're a great vidder and I look forward to getting to them. I love 'Titanium' and 'Heroes-we could be' never fails to make me smile.

Prompt: Sam & Rhodey talking during Rhodey's recovery

[machinistm]

*hugs*

[jb_slasher]

[offers hugs] <3

[sineala]

*hugs*

I can't think of any prompts yet (and I know I owe you an email), but I have plenty of internet hugs. If that helps.

You could write a ficlet about hugs, if that would make you feel better?

[ranalore]

I know I'm late in saying this, but I'm so sorry life is just dumping on you. *hugs* Also, people keep trying to talk me into aiming for a teaching position, since it's one of the few relatively steady paychecks in our field. I have to constantly remind them that a) I don't like people generally and b) I do the bare minimum interaction with my classmates now because their willful ignorance and abhorrence of learning anything that challenges their preconceived notions makes me want to hit things. And these are adult learners who are theoretically supposed to be one of the most motivated groups of students. Worse, these are adults in English-related concentrations, and the vast majority of them can't even string a simple, coherent sentence together. I think I'd rather take the risks of another career path and save my sanity.

I still haven't seen the new movie, I have to wait for it to come out in a format I can watch on my TV, since the filmmakers in their infinite wisdom pulled Stupid Filming Tricks I've been assured by reliable sources are my disabilities-unfriendly. I'm usually not fussed about spoilers, though, so I've read people's reactions and braced myself. I can't say that I'm exactly surprised? But I am disappointed. The CW storyline was a bad call, but there were ways it could have been rehabilitated into a halfway decent Cap movie, provided anyone involved in the decision-making had remembered it was a Cap movie, which they clearly did not. I'm sorry it's causing so many friends such distress, and maybe it will do some of the same for me when I finally do watch it, but.... I still haven't seen AoU. Just hearing about it was like hearing about really bad fanfic set in one of the multitude of alternate universes for which Marvel is (in)famous, and not one in which I'm interested. Jessica Jones has been my one source of contemporary MCU canon since TWS, and it's more of a parallel storyline at this point than an intersecting one, so I've very much had this sense of TWS being the ending point of the MCU as I know and accept it and I think that makes it easier for me to view the movies in potentia from here on out as the filmmakers' AU of what happened after TWS (it probably also makes it easier that I've had so much practice doing this with other fandoms and also that my brain revolts a lot more at "but that makes no emotional sense" than "but that's not what the movie/show/book/interview/song says/shows"). All of which is background to say, I like the fandom that came out of TWS, I much prefer our various versions of what happened post-TWS to Feige's version (I know he's not the only input, but I think it's safe to say the buck stops with him, and I wish I knew who was higher up the chain than he is because they really need to FIRE HIS ASS), and I really still love your work. I don't think your vids are failures, which I realize doesn't help with that depressive feeling that they are, but I feel needs saying anyway. I hope you keep writing, because your work is some of my favorite, and it's always a treat to finish up a term and dive into the stuff I've been saving up for the past eight weeks and change. I'm so excited that I'll be getting another long story during this upcoming break.

In case you're still taking prompts, maybe Steve and Bucky and the music of David Bowie?

[kore]

OMG, maybe a Missing Scene from your fic, Sam showing Bucky some of his moves to Little Red Corvette.

[daria234.livejournal.com]

Sorry on everything that's going on. I'm sorry to hear that fandom is shitty right now. I'm not involved enough that I generally have a clue.

I've taught, and yeah, it can be thankless if the class isn't good. *hugs* But it sounds like a great job from you regardless, and the knowledge they gain can't always be measured in the moment, esp if they have crappy attitudes.

I love your vids, btw!

If you want prompts for drabbles: Steve/Bucky post-WS, where Steve (and Sam?) is in trouble, T'Challa decides to help and to unfreeze Bucky as backup

[mackiemesser.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry things are so lousy right now--in work life and in fandom. :(

That afternoon class situation sounds really creepy/bizarre. It's one thing to not want to take a mandatory class, but to be dicks about it is uncalled for.

A prompt? How about Steve breaking everyone out of the Raft? I haven't seen too many stories about that.

[belmanoir.livejournal.com]

Steve misses Bucky too much and wakes him up like two days later. Bonus points if nightmares are involved.

[bond-girl.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry the class is so stressful! For what it's worth, I've noticed that whenever I had to train groups of people for the afternoon or night shifts, they were the toughest crowd. I think they are just plain tired. Anyway, I don't think it's you, it really is on them.

And you don't have to write me anything, but in case you loved that tiny moment as much as I did: what if Steve and Bucky's meeting in that Bucharest apartment is a little longer? what does Steve notice about the room? what does Bucky say or do? I simply felt like I wasn't show enough, or was shown too quickly in the movie.

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

I taught for 18 months and - between a few obnoxious kids and a lot of obnoxious teachers - that was all I could take.