gwyn: (bucky confusedface)
[personal profile] gwyn
Keep meaning to post, but haven't had the spoons. I saw the surgeon on Thursday, and she seems pretty cool, as doctors go. My own regular doctor is so amazing she hasn't taken new patients in years, because none of us will leave her and we bond in the waiting area about how afraid we are of when she finally retires, so she's a hard person to live up to, and I'm not fond of going to doctors anyway.

It'll be a lot more invasive than I thought--I'll be in the hospital for 3-5 days. She said she has patients who live alone all the time, but that it's just helpful to have someone to do things like cat care or take me to appointments or just go get me a sandwich, because I won't be able to drive for a few weeks. There are tons of risks, of course, and that's mostly all I can think about, even though everyone keeps telling me about their relative or friend who had colon cancer and is fine now. Your mind just gets into a loop. She was interested in sending my information to the genetics lab there to see if they thought I should consider getting my ovaries yanked; the fact that my twin sister died of ovarian cancer at 45 was of interest to her and she said it's only just extra time in surgery to remove them, nothing else.

Apparently they can't stage the cancer till it's out, so no, I don't know what stage it's at and won't till after the end of August. And she was fine with me going to Vividcon; with the genetic workup it'd be a few weeks anyway before they would do surgery and that wouldn't allow me enough recovery time to go to the con, and she said she's had patients who were taking around the world cruises and things, so it wasn't an unreasonable request. If I was angling for three months, then she'd get worried, but I feel like I'm pushing it with two months. Her vacation schedule and mine overlapped, and the next available appointment after she got back wasn't till August 30, because all the surgery days were booked. Who knew colorectal surgery was such a booming business.

It's just…very weird to know you're walking around with cancer growing inside yourself for two months. All of a sudden everything my body does seems terrifying and suspicious and potentially deadly. People kept telling me the other night that there are all these people who can come help out around the house after I get home, but then five minutes later were talking about their trips that are happening at the same time, so that's something I still have to work out. All I have is a couch to sleep on, there's no real room for any kind of mattress, it's just not an ideal situation here. Not to mention it's all just so gross and horrible.

OTOH I now know more than I ever wanted to about the systems down there. And my god, the prep for surgery is so freaking complicated. Special drinks, special soap and showers to take, all this stuff to think about. I have to start calling around and finding out about insurance, too, after the holiday--I'm sure that'll be super fun. There are so many little things to think about--I have to elevate the bed, and fix the windows so that they're easier to open and close (it'll be hot out and we don't have AC much here) and probably make it more accessible to feed Blues on the counter. And I remember after the gall bladder removal how I had no appetite for weeks, and how slow it felt to get back to normal.

In the meantime there is work to do, and fic for different things. I'm going to add a tag so that if you don't want to read see these updates on your dash you can filter out "the cancer" and not read them. Last weekend was especially lonely and depressing, but I imagine there'll be more, I'm feeling extremely alone and hopeless, and I can't promise I won't write about that, so feel free to filter.
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