somniloquence

I know I won't be leaving here with you

Sun, 01 Mar 2026 02:09:31 GMT

Escapade was much fun this year, though as with last year, stupid cancer fatigue put a damper on a lot of things. The best panels were the one for The Pitt and Murderbot, though I would have enjoyed the Murderbot panel more if a) it hadn't been at nine a.m. on Saturday morning and b) hadn't been dominated by one really obnoxious person. The moderator did a yeoman's job trying to rein her in (seriously, I really admired her skills at hardassery), but I had really hoped to talk about Gurathin in the show and the final episode, how SecUnit's memories might have changed him, etc., but that didn't really happen. And when I started talking about him, in typical fannish fashion, someone immediately countered and diminished my comment with how he wasn't what they thought he should be from the books and yadda yadda, so I never really got to make my point. Maybe next year?

But it was good to see people, even if I didn't get all the time I wanted to glom on some folks (par_avion, I'm lookin' at you). Still, there were a few wonderful surprises where some folks I adore and haven't seen in years came to the con, because their fannish brains had been kickstarted by Heated Rivalry. I am so not into that show but the fact that it brought them back out into fandom makes me feel more warmly towards it.

I woke up Sunday morning to news that LAX was in chaos because the Nazis in the government (and I use that term loosely) had decided to shut down TSA precheck and global entry, but after a while that got walked back and by the time I got to the airport, things had settled down a bit and it was fairly quiet. Then the flights started getting canceled by the East Coast blizzard (poor par, she was stuck at the hotel till Wednesday night), and the Mexico flights were stopping because it seemed like half of Mexico was on fire, and it made for a really surreal experience. And now today I woke up to the news about Iran and I just...I really often wish that this fucking cancer would just take me out. This world is just so fucking horrible, and I feel so utterly helpless to do even the tiniest thing about it.

I mean, I have signed up for Fandom Trumps Hate (fth2026offerings) (god i hate that fucker so much that i can't even stand to use a perfectly good verb because it's saying his name), but if I get even a bid over my $10 minimum, I'll be shocked. I've done auctions before, but I don't feel like I make much of a contribution, and I know throwing money at some of these horrors are at least some small way of helping, but I'm just not someone who'll generate that kind of money and I can't make many donations of my own.

Still, I'll hope that maybe a friend will feel sorry for me and buy me ;-D . But I have to admit, the basics of this auction confuse me--listings are on DW here, but a lot takes place on Tumblr, and I'm confused about how to publicize my listing. I was able to reblog the auction roundup listing for The Pitt today, but I don't know how one goes about promoting their own listing. Has anyone done FTH before and would be willing to give me some advice? There's only a couple days for browsing, so I would love to see if I could at least generate some attention if someone wants a fic for Marvel, The Pitt, or Fast Color (hah). I feel like in the past, I've seen people's contributor listings on tumblr, but I just don't know how that goes. Ugh, I'm so out of touch.

I broke my toe on my left foot *again* this morning. My third and fourth toes are so fucked up now. I know there's not much to do about it but tape them and take pain relievers, but jesus your toes really make a difference in walking. And I'm seeing a new sports medicine doc about my fucked-up knee, so now we'll have to see how it might affect my walking even more (I have an MRI this week). So much excitement, but as I said to a friend, at least it's not about the cancer, lol. I'm such a fucking klutz. I think I should probably get some of that bubble wrap with the really big bubbles, and put it around the legs of my bed--it won't solve everything, but those legs have definitely contributed to a few of the breaks. This time, I heard a little snap sound!

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h-o-t-t-o-g-o

Fri, 22 Aug 2025 23:35:16 GMT

WorldCon was fun! A lot of the things I was stressed about were things that turned out to be totally okay, and I think the con comm and the venue both did a great job of setting things up for people with disabilities, although I do want to send some feedback about a couple things if I can figure out where. I definitely overextended myself in terms of trying to make it to panels and events and meet up with friends, considering I'd limited my attendance to just Friday and Saturday. But I got to meet up with Caroline Stevermer and a very old friend of mine named Tim, as well as mecurtin and seekingferret and of course wickedwords, and mizmak ventured over the mountains to meet up with Caroline, which meant we also got to spend time with her (not at the con), so it was like having some of the Media Cannibals gang back together. And I ran into kormantic while she was minding a table in the dealers' room.

Of course, there's never enough time to really spend with people at a convention, and WorldCon is ginormous so it seems even harder to get together with them (probably easier if you're staying in one of the hotels). I was intending to go to dinner with mecurtin, but somehow, standing in line at the restaurant, this overwhelming fatigue came over me (more than my usual incredible fatigue) and I ended up having to bug out. (I'll spare you my Lyft nightmare story but suffice to say there was definitely some time there where I thought it's a really good thing I don't carry deadly weapons on me.) Fortunately, she was generous enough to come over to my part of town to have lunch with me Tuesday, which was awesome.

My biggest problem was that I was constantly overheating because of my chemo drugs, which make me insanely sensitive to heat, and so I was always ducking into the gender neutral restrooms to mop at all the sweat drenching me. What an unbelievable drag on your fun that is, to just have water dripping down you and being damp all the time (moist, the most hated word), it's just so fucking awful. I did find myself, in all the panels about writing and such, kind of thinking more about the final chapter of my Bucky and Steve in a virtual world WIP, and I think I'm at a point where I can really tackle it finally. (Of course, as I've said previously, every time I'm ready to try to write, I manifest work, and sure enough...I manifested a proofread that arrived today. Clearly I should not be allowed to possess this power, and I would love it if someone else would harness the power instead.)

The new Summit convention center building is light years better than the original convention center, which was built in the late '70s/early '80s. We haven't had any real rain for months here, so of course it rained hard on Friday, but at least most people weren't given only rain as their Seattle experience, since it cleared up by Friday night. I would have loved to attend the masquerade, as that's my favorite event, Friday night, but I watched it streaming and it's just...not the same, you know? It was fine, but it just doesn't compare to being able to really see the cosplayers on stage and get the full range of what they're doing. I've heard there's some whining about the Hugos, as usual, but I didn't watch that.

Highlights were definitely hearing marthawells reading from Queen Demon and the (May 2026) new Murderbot Diaries book Platform Decay, as well as her Q&As, and a really cool panel on queer representation in SF that included Matt Baume, whose videos I watch a lot where he discusses the history of queer people in TV and movies. There was also a neat panel on dystopian fiction that looked at how in the global south, it's not future fiction, it's been part of their lives for a long time, which unfortunately I couldn't stay for the whole thing for because I was sweating so bad and the room was packed and just...ugh. But what I did hear was great.

I also literally ran into Martha Wells in the art show--I totally thought she'd be surrounded by a phalanx of security or something, so I was all awkward and stupid and just like completely blanked-out on what to say and I'm sure I came across as a total moron. But I knew going in I wouldn't be able to handle anything like a book signing line, so I never expected to be able to just say a quick hello. (I mean, yes, it's a con full of world-class nerds, but still. There's awkward and then there's awkward.) And I kept running across a couple of authors I sort of vaguely knew from my days of going to Norwescon more often, and it almost got to be funny, just kind of waving at each other but not really saying anything, over and over.

I only had a couple of interactions with people who were kind of crappy and a little ableist; and I even was able to make the trek to the Taco del Mar over at the old Convention Center, where I used to get lunch every week back when I worked down there. I miss that place so much and we don't have any of their shops near me anymore, so I revved myself up and hiked over there on Friday, and on Saturday went to Starbucks, because the in-building options weren't great for me. I wish I could have worked things so I had more time to have meals with folks and chat, but at least I know that next time, if I can go again, I have to allow for more time for everything. The art show was pretty cool and I found an artist I really want to buy something from.

All in all, my first WorldCon was a success, and I'm seriously thinking about trying to talk my BFF into going to next year's if I'm able and the cancer isn't too bad. I sincerely doubt after Anaheim, the con is coming back to the US for a good long while, not with so many people afraid to cross our borders.

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Welcome to the boomtown

Thu, 07 Aug 2025 00:28:55 GMT

I don't think I've mentioned before (well, because I never post, so how could I have) that I'm going to WorldCon this month, because it's in Seattle and I figure this is the only chance I'd ever have to do that. I don't have any particular interest in the Hugos or things like that, but I've been going to SF cons since attending my first Norwescon back in 1983, I think, although that definitely tapered off after I discovered what we used to define as "media fandom" back in the day. It was a way to separate SF cons, which were primarily literature based in the olden dayes, from the kind of fandom as we know it now, which encompasses a much wider array of stuff, especially TV/movies. I'm so old, I remember the sneering way the gatekeeper wannabes talked about people who were at cons for Star Wars and Trek or even Road Warrior or whatever. Kind of ridiculous, when you think about it.

ANYway, I'm actually pretty nervous about it. I'm only going on Friday and Saturday, and of course it looks like a lot of the panels I want to see are in the late afternoon/evening (especially wickedwords ' fanfic panels). So that means I'll be basically without any place to rest or relax (I don't know, maybe they'll be better than Emerald City Comic Con, but there was literally no place to sit and rest if you were less than perfectly abled, or even sit and eat most of the time, and there will be a couple thousand more people at WorldCon than ECCC) except on a floor or what have you, and since I live here, I'm just going to take a lyft in or maybe the water taxi. And my fatigue has been through the roof lately; I've been trying a new drug and it's making things actually worse, plus this month is turning out to be just bananas crowded for me. I just need time to regroup but there isn't any.

I thought about getting a hotel nearby, but I'm not sure it'd be much better; when I hurt, I hurt. The room blocks are all sold out, too, so anything would be pretty pricey, plus I'd have to wait to check in, and then check out, when I'd be doing con stuff, so it seems fairly pointless.

I do wish I could go to some of the other days' events, since marthawells is the GoH this year, but, well, cancer always has other ideas. WorldCon does seem kind of different in that they don't frontload all their best stuff on Fridays and Saturdays; it's a long con, and I would love to go to a couple other days, but that's not in the cards. I also wish so much I could go to nighttime events, especially because I love masquerade contests, but I know my limitations. I will have to look into whether having a day pass for Friday will allow me to see the streaming masquerade event...

I'm hoping to see mecurtin, and I think a few other fellow fans here on DW are going, so if you might want to meet up at some point (I honestly don't know what to expect about going through reg on Friday, I had a horrendous experience with Sakura Con years ago, where I was trapped in line for six fucking hours and it left my body broken in a way I've never recovered from, but WorldCon does have an accessible line so fingers crossed), I would love to see people, just because I'm afraid of being lonesome--and also, being able to see people will help with the stamina part, I think. And of course, if you want someone to roam the dealer's room, I will definitely be looking to do that.

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There's a peacefulness and a rage inside us all

Mon, 24 Mar 2025 21:32:21 GMT

Somehow, every time I make space to finish my WIP or read a new book (eeee, I am finally reading things I got years ago and have never been able to tackle and I am excited!), I manage to manifest new work. Every single time. And of course, I cannot use this manifesting power for anything like money, which I am in desperate need of because I fucked up my taxes big time this year and things are gonna be pretty dire, plus my IRA and such are in the toilet because of the fuckwads in power. So I do need the work (I actually had to say no to a book because of another project, but I was glad to be able to because it sounded like extremely hard work since all the YA fantasy I get from them is utter garbage and I haaaate working on YA), but I would also like a little time to do fun things, and the deadlines I usually have are ridiculous.

I feel like I am kinda semi-retired; I don't want to take on as much work as I used to and that's fine for me. But now...with the disasters in the thing that sadly rules our lives, the stock market, and the threats to Medicare and Social Security, as well as the cancer treatment, I constantly doubt myself and take work on I shouldn't necessarily. Plus I have to get a new roof. So that's (ha) literally hanging over my head. I suppose I will just keep shoving on.

Speaking of work, I had a fun thing happen a couple months ago. I never go to LinkedIn, I don't care about it at all, but I had read of a setting change that I did not like, so I went in one night to reset things, and it seemed to be perfect timing because there was a direct message from someone sent a few hours before I logged in. I don't get notifications so I would never have seen it otherwise. She was a reader of the magazine I used to work for till they ditched me in '23, and had been a copyeditor for years in different publications, and so she started by complimenting me on my work for them for all that time (like, it wasn't insincere at all, she really did pay attention to how well edited it was and I loved that because I too pay attention to mastheads and stuff) and asking if she might be able to find out a little bit about the job listing for an editor to work on the magazine.

I'd known that the publisher, J, had lost his editor (he'd asked me a few times to be more of a managing editor type, but I never wanted to) to a full time job, and I was stepping in that month to help him get the next issue out, but I hadn't realized he'd posted the job on LinkedIn--apparently you can list a job for free for three days, and he was deluged with applications even though it's just a part time freelancer type gig, you're not really employed by them per se. Anyway, I wrote her back and said I'd be happy to to tell her anything, and the more we talked, the more I realized she would be absolutely perfect for the role, that she couldn't be more like me in the way she approached copyediting and proofreading, and she personally was a musician as well and it's a music magazine, so she's a subject matter expert.

I didn't know if my making a rec for her would help, but J seemed interested and happy to have something like that, and out of the four or so candidates he'd talked to with the best credentials, the personal rec from me helped seal the deal and I think he knew that yeah, she couldn't have been more perfect. So she got the job, and sent me a sweet gift after even though I told her she shouldn't. I miss the magazine, but I guess I don't miss the flakiness of J and the designer, both men (insert eye roll here) who I had to treat like I was herding cats sometimes, but you know, editing stuff about the history of sunburst Fenders or the history of Prince's fave guitar were kind of awesome. I do miss that. But I told her if she ever needed any backup, I'm always around and happy to help and since I sort of created some of the style guide, it's not like I don't know the ins and outs. I guess as long as I'm healthy anyway.

The guy who leads our multiple myeloma support group had some bad health stuff recently, and was going through a pretty grueling treatment to try to get him back to remission. But he told us today that he is in hospice right now, and so things are ending for him in his efforts against it. Every time we get an announcement that someone from the group, past or present, has died, it's like a short sharp shock that this thing is just...really fucking awful. There is no "cure" per se, just remissions, and it always comes back, and some people go through multiple treatments and get into remissions. Every time I've told someone I have this, they go "I know so and so has it and they've had it for 11 years and they're fine" and I'm like, you don't know what getting to fine is really like. But people are so casual about it, because most of us in treatment or remission look fairly normal. Not like movie cliche patients.

Anyways, that's made me ridiculously sad. I have treatment this week and I'll find out what my oncologist thinks about where we are. My fatigue has been through the roof, I'm wiped out all the time. I know that's partly why I'm on the fence about Worldcon, just because...what am I going to be like in August? I never know, this whole two years has been such a fucking weirdass roller coaster. Ugh, sorry to be maudlin. I do get this way sometimes.

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Oh, the places you'll have gone

Mon, 03 Feb 2025 23:30:28 GMT

I guess I neglected to tell a lot of people I was going to Escapade this year, because quite a few people seemed very surprised to see me. Oops. It was kind of a last-minute decision; I'd been waffling about it because I haven't traveled in five years and of course the cancer, but I really wanted to see people, only a lot of folks wouldn't be able to go due to the really early date they'd set (just...January 31, not a great time). But when they mentioned they were having trouble meeting the financial obligations such as room blocks, I decided just before Christmas I'd go. At least I would see my darling killabeez, which is enough reason! And kerithwyn and hafital were there, and from my Seattle crowd, wickedwords, so I was really happy to just lounge around and yak. Seeing people's actual faces in person is just...there's nothing like it, especially when it's folks like cesperanza and cathexys, who I haven't seen in yonks.

It was...very hard to get in the travel groove again. I've never traveled with a cane, of course, and that took some getting used to, but only a few people were dickish to me for being slow, and a lot of people were helpful. I went down on Friday so I missed a hefty portion of the con, and left on Sunday afternoon, so if I go again I think I will definitely not do that. It's just so...expensive. Everything is so much more expensive for less return now, hotel rooms being the best example of that. But I did get to see a lot of people I like and this year some extra special guests came, and that was wonderful spending time with folks I haven't seen in absolute ages, and hanging out in people's rooms or going to Starbucks or whatever. And of course, talking about fic and vids, or fandoms (I only went to a couple fandom panels, since I arrived too late for Star Trek, but it was fun to listen to people talk about Deadpool and Wolverine).

I got weirdly busy with work right beforehand, too, which maybe was good in the sense that it kept my mind on something else besides traveling and also the state of the world. I have been so anxious since the election that my oncologist is concerned, because my blood pressure is sky high when I go in and that's not a good thing with the main drug that's keeping my cancer at bay. While it was nice to have something else to keep my focus on at the con, as well, it was hard to avoid, especially when everywhere you go someplace has multiple TVs blaring news and you cannot escape it. I tried to avoid political conversations, but inevitably when you're in a population that is so hugely affected by hate, it takes over the spaces.

Something fannish that was fun was that I got a related work notification while I was in LA--someone had done a podfic of one of my Sunshine stories. I don't have a lot of podfics so it's always such a thrill when someone does that, especially because I love the way fans continue each other's fannish creations and make new things. And it's a lovely podfic too, I love the reader's accent and the way she handled so many things in it. If you enjoyed the movie Sunshine (where science ice prince Cillian Murphy and military hothead Chris Evans [to steal from bond_girl] play enemies to friends to lovers across the stars--okay, WE think they do, they think they just hate each other) and you like podfics, it's really good. Dipping Toward the Light [podfic] is here.

And last but not least, I read another book! I know, I know, it's ridiculous, but it's just been so long since I've been able to read! This time it was a graphic novel and it was really fascinating. It's about an AU version of our world, where wishes are a thing that can be mined and bought and sold, and they don't always have the obvious effects the person making the wish expects, especially if they buy third-tier wishes. It takes place in Cairo, and there's a glimpse into a world that most of us don't know much about, and it's insanely creative. The writer did so much research and created such a dense, layered world, it's kind of astonishing. It's called Shubeik Lubeik by Deena Mohammed and the title basically means "your wish is my command."

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Diamond life

Thu, 18 Feb 2021 20:52:58 GMT

As always happens after I do the 31 flavors meme recs, I crashed into not posting again. It was easy because I also had work that came in, and I've been trying to work on the next chapter of the fic no one's reading, Reverie, which is now out for beta, at least, so we'll see when I can slap it up. Two months is a long time between chapter updates, and I feel horrendously guilty.

We've also been busy having Big Snow here--last weekend we had over a foot in some places, which is unusual for Seattle, and it was over multiple days. Took quite a while for it to go away, as well--I still have a bunch in my yard because of the huge high drifts we got the first night when it was very windy, and most of it falls in shaded places where I don't really get much sun in winter. I can't stop obsessively watching news of the disaster in Texas, especially scenes like that FedEx truck slamming into the multiple-car pileup. What a nightmare, and I'm really hoping my friends in Texas and nearby parts are doing all right.

This weekend, I'm doing virtual Escapade. I will be co-modding a panel on Steve/Bucky fandom on Saturday with przed, so I hope if there are still any Cap fans left out there, you'll join us. Registration for new members cuts off tonight, so if you think you'd like to attend a virtual fan-run con--one of the few remaining!--you should sign up! It's a lot of fun, and while I'm monumentally depressed not to be able to get down to LA for some sunshine in February, which I have always loved, at least I'll be able to "see" a few people this weekend I only get to see there. I miss cons so much.

I'm still trying to catch up on entertainment things, but am kind of lapping along way behind everyone, since I have trouble watching anything more than background TV when I have work. I'm watching the show Resident Alien on SyFy: it's cute, if not particularly original, and makes good use of Alan Tudyk's ability to be sinisterly creepy and funny at the same time, and mostly it's nice to have a show that I can watch week to week now that The Expanse is done for the year. (As much as I appreciate The Expanse's move to Prime so Chrisjen's swearing doesn't get bleeped out, the even-shorter seasons are frustrating. I wanted more of the Amos and Peaches show, and for Drummer to see Naomi, and just...there was a lot left out in the open, I felt, and I love the show so goddamn much.)

I'm watching WandaVision thanks to a friend, and it's okay. I'm mostly enjoying the Monica, Darcy, and Jimmy Woo show, to be honest, and since I have no idea who half the characters are that everyone's talking about like the kids or Agnes, it's easier to just ride along. A lot of the modern sitcoms they were doing were a mystery to me, as I never watched stuff like Full House or whatever, and I thought doing a mashup of I Love Lucy and the Dick Van Dyke show was a weird conceit but I will admit their Bewitched was spot-on, though it looks like there's a Modern Family coming up, which I am at least familiar with unlike the '80s and '90s. I really hope the three characters get a spinoff, because that I would watch like hell.

I have a lot of trepidation about Falcon and the Winter Soldier, which I don't think anyone will care to hear about because it seems like everyone is really excited, so I will spare you.

The show I've fallen in love with, though, is The Repair Shop. For a long time I had it on my watch list, and then when I finally had time, the first two seasons were gone and they only have the third on Netflix. I can't find any other resource for it, and I would honestly rather not go out to the torrent sites, but I guess if needs must... I just love it! It hits my competence buttons, like ALL of them, and it is totally nice and interesting and educational and there are no huge stakes and it's just peaceful and soothing and everyone cares so much about what they do. There are some snippets from shows on YouTube, but they often cut off the repair and only show people bringing their items in, or they focus on four minutes of a repair and you don't see the end result. It's infuriating that Netflix took the rest of it away and doesn't seem to be bringing any more of it in. (If you know of how I can get more of the many series they have done, please let me know! I'm desperate!)

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Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans

Mon, 17 Feb 2020 22:27:16 GMT

Here's something I don't understand: I got an email with a cute comment on a story, and I wanted to respond to it. It does not exist on my story or in my AO3 inbox. I know people can delete their comments, but I didn't think that meant they disappeared from your inbox as well--in the past when someone deleted a comment, I could still find the original in my AO3 inbox. The only difference I can see is that I hadn't yet replied to this one, and previous deletions, I had replied. I think this is so weird that it could just disappear out of my inbox like that. Is that standard?

I haven't been keeping up with things beyond the Justified rewatch postings. I meant to post about my trip to New Orleans a couple weeks ago, but then I came home and had that first excision for one of the cancerous moles, the one on my back, and kind of fell back into non-posting mode.

So, long story short--I had planned a trip with killabeez and Mrs. Killabeez to New Orleans, and they invited some friends, so it was like we had a cool little mini-con in a couple of rented apartments. Most of them were down there for longer than me; I'd really only been able to swing four or five days, which I know is not much especially when you've wanted to go your whole life but never wanted to go there alone, which is how I usually travel. I do wish I'd gone for at least another day, but we were there for a Mardi Gras parade, one of the ones that's not part of the official Mardi Gras parades list but which was an amazing amount of fun anyways and much more perfect for a bunch of fans: it's the Chewbacchus parade, which is SF & F themed and such a hoot! My first ever Mardi Gras parade!

It was originally going to be a birthday trip since killa and I have birthdays close together, and I wanted to do something for my milestone birthday, but kind of morphed to accomodate different people's schedules, so it worked out for being on the cusp of Mardi Gras, which I'd never thought I'd be able to see and was the happiest of accidents. So everywhere we went was decked out in the purple, green, and gold of Mardi Gras colors, and beads were everywhere. We got to see the Preservation Hall Jazz Band at a cool Q&A they do at Preservation Hall, and eat FLAMAZING food, and take a New Orleans streetcar, and eat beignets. It didn't work out with my short schedule to see the World War II Museum, or go on a cemetery tour, but I still had so much fun seeing stuff, and accidentally stumbled on the store that belongs to Villalobos Rescue Center, the focus of the Animal Planet show Pitbulls and Parolees, so of course i had to get a T-shirt.

The place we rented was in the Garden District and there were lots of nice places around, and honestly, I don't think I've ever eaten so well. On Sunday, after most folks had left and it was just me and the Missuses, we stopped for a while in Pirate's Alley for a drink at a cool old bar, and they discovered that their favorite singer was playing that night when they didn't think they'd get to see her this trip--so we decided to go do our dinner reservation early to make the show in time, and I was like "Oh, I have barely started my drinkkkkk...oh hey, it's New Orleans! I can take my drink with me!" The fact that you can get to-go cups for your booze and drink and walk along is amazing to me. I mean, yeah, litter is a problem, but damn, it was fun! All in all, it was a great time, and I am so glad I went with people who know the city and how things go, and OMG I need to go back again soon. (I posted a few pictures on my instagram, but not a lot.)

When I made my plans, I didn't know that I was going to be having a couple of these surgeries for the cancer spots on my skin, and had also made plans to go to Escapade on Thursday. I'm...really feeling the shock of the finances, and it was probably a dumb decision, but nonrefundable tickets, etc. As soon as I get home from Escapade I have to go in for the much more unpleasant Moh's surgery on my cheek. I worked myself up into a tizzy for the back thing last week, because every time I have tried to talk about pain relief for these really painful things, they tell me that it doesn't hurt, and that I can only take tylenol, the most useless substance on earth. Since I bleed like a stuck pig, they are especially annoying about this, even though some studies are showing NSAIDs don't necessarily really increase bleeding risk. But there was a new nurse this time and I asked her about it, and she was really great--the first one who didn't basically say "sucks to be you" when I said tylenol was useless and I knew from experience I would be in pain.

So this time they gave me a prescription for oxycontin for a couple days, which made such a difference in being able to sleep and work. They also gave me--and this was something I didn't even know was possible--internal stitches under the skin, so they dissolve in time and the glue on the outside eventually falls off, which meant I didn't have to go back (more $$ for a visit) or change a dressing (which is really hard to do when you live alone and it's in the middle of your back). Still, I'm getting worked up again about the more painful and invasive face surgery that awaits next week when I get back from the con. I'm absolutely dreading trying to get them to give me pain meds, it's been so difficult historically, and everyone acts like you're trying to scam opioids, which is ridiculous. If I wanted to get drugs to abuse there are way, way simpler methods than having people cut parts of me off with a scalpel.

Anyway, money anxiety and terror aside, I'm looking forward to sunshine in LA, because the rain has been epic this winter here and there have been weeks where it never stopped, just rain every single fuckin' day for endless days in a row. My yard became a mud pit. And I'm doing a couple panels, I guess: one for Schitt's Creek with nestra, and another about comics to MCU Marvel fandom with przed. My Captain America fandom panel didn't make the cut, grumble grumble. There won't be a lot of time down there, we're coming home earlier than usual, but if I can get to a beach, I really want to. I'm not used to traveling so close together, it feels weird to leave when I just got home, but I neeeed sunshine. (Though, hilariously, it's sunny today but cold.) And also, more chances to see friends; New Orleans whetted my appetite.

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If I dare it to be true

Sun, 10 Mar 2019 07:19:39 GMT

I'm jealous of all the folks getting to see Captain Marvel right away. With a book due on Wednesday and the usual ridiculous deadlines this publisher gives me, there's no way I could go before Thursday. Good thing I love spoilers.

This is never my favorite time of year, especially when I have work. The anniversary of my sister's death was the 5th and it's always a struggle, still, forever I suppose. It's never really helped by being in Southern California for Escapade, because everything reminds me of her so acutely: the birds of paradise blooming, the sunshine, jacaranda trees and hibiscus plants, eight-lane roads and U-turns, the California license plates. I always feel as though I'll turn around and she'll be there.

The con itself was okay, mostly good because I got to spend time with some favorite people. I got my In-N-Out Burger fix with dorinda on Thursday, which was great. There were definitely some things I didn't enjoy about the con, like listening to assholes shit on something I helped a friend make, but having melina sob on me over Dream helped balance that out a little. I'd forgotten she hadn't seen it at Vividcon. The Captain America panel was okay, I guess, it's always hard for me to tell about these things. But people seemed happy to talk about Cap fandom and whether it's the end of the line, and it was good to see familiar faces there.

Things were a little iffy with my Stucky AU Big Bang story, my first artist disappeared completely before posting date, and then it was three days before I even had one single comment (she eventually showed up, but at least I had a great second artist for posting day). Then I signed up for the Captain America Reverse Big Bang, mostly so I could see the art because last year's experience left such a bad taste in my mouth, and I...accidentally signed up for the wrong art. ::hands:: I have sort of numbers dyslexia for a few number combinations, and I have no idea why, but I thought "well, I'll put in some selections for art and won't get them, so then I'll just drop out and call it good" because I really wasn't sold on participating. But somehow I transposed numbers in my head and now I have a pairing that I've never even thought of. The art is really lovely, though, and cesperanza was throwing out some really great idea possibilities, so hopefully I can come up with 5k for this pretty art. (And fortunately the artist is flexible about gen or slash, so I don't necessarily have to write a romantic relationship for the two characters.) This is so totally the sort of thing that happens to me, though.

I read a fantastic article about a new book about historical gay Brooklyn, and the book sounds great (Walt Whitman cruising the Navy Yard!), so if you're writing historical Steve and Bucky or just interested, there's a link at my tumblr here.

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Marinate in misery

Mon, 18 Feb 2019 00:29:32 GMT

I wasn't sure I'd be able to go to Escapade this year because my usual travel partner wasn't going, but I did find a roomie and so I bought a plane ticket--unfortunately right before all the financial stuff came down hard on me and boy did I regret that, but it's nonrefundable, so. I'm glad the hotel has a huge breakfast buffet, because I think I can stock up on stuff for the day and they also have refigerators in each room, so I can kind of scam my way through (as well as make the very long walk to In-N-Out Burger, because OMG I love INOB like crazy and it's cheap, too).

It also meant I didn't put in any suggestions for panels, but I ended up doing a write-in alt track panel for Cap fandom once I knew I could go (also, jeez, snowmageddon here made me really nervous that I'd never make it to the airport; here's hoping we don't get any more snow). It was kind of difficult to deal with the signup form, so the only day I could see available was Friday at the lunch hour--which means it may not be well attended, but if you're interested in talking Cap fandom specifically (as opposed to the Saturday panel with a wider focus on phase 4), I'd love to have you join me:

Friday, Feb. 22, Noon-1 p.m., Marina del Rey room

Captain America MCU: The End of the Line
Captain America fandom has taken a lot of hits lately: we didn’t even get a real third Cap movie, the Cap Family barely existed in Infinity War, and the end of Chris Evans’s contract means Steve Rogers as we know him in the MCU has left the building after A4--and a lot of fans are convinced Steve will in fact be killed off. Will Cap fandom wither and die the way most closed canons do, or will things like the Bucky and Sam streaming series and the comics help keep it alive in some form? Can we keep the Cap love alive?

Featuring me, your hostess.

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Adventures in babysitting -- not really a VVC report

Sat, 18 Aug 2018 21:04:13 GMT

In my previous posts I mentioned that I'd managed to injure myself pretty good at Vividcon on the first freakin' day, and it continues to be the gift that keeps on giving. Basically, what happened was, I wanted to walk down to the Walgreen's a little ways from the con hotel (there are two stores, equally distant from the hotel, both of which involve running across busy traffic to get to the side of the street with a sidewalk) and bullied minim_calibre into going with me, and franzeska threw in with us too. Not more than about fifteen feet from the front door, my foot caught the edge of a pothole in the parking lot/driveway and I went down like a sack of bricks.

I fall a lot. I'm a klutz, I injure myself pretty frequently, and I live with chronic pain so I have a pretty high pain threshold, but I knew right away that this was worse than usual and when Franzy and Min steadied me, I saw that the knee of my jeans was ripped out, and figured that meant blood. We staggered back into the lobby and I very rudely demanded a first aid kit and rolled up my jeans. So I bled all over the lobby and the desk people were very upset and not particularly happy with me. Rache wickedwords and Ivy and I think someone else, though I don't remember right now, came by and were helping, and Ivy had a bunch of bandages and first aid stuff because she'd had a wound herself that she was treating, and everyone was solicitous and helped me clean up and get my bearings.

I was crying, I don't really know why. I guess I was already emotional anyway about the con and knowing I'd never see many people again, and Rache kept saying, "You're in shock, you're shocky, it's okay." They took me up to my room and got me settled on the couch where I could elevate my leg, and use the ice pack the front desk made for me (those little round silver bolsters the rooms have now were very handy!), and put bandages on. I could feel that something was wrong in my wrist, in the same spot that I broke it many years ago.

Franzy and some other folks were going to get lunch down at the other store, so they wanted to get me something but I kept insisting I wasn't hungry--fortunately they persisted and brought me a sammich, which was actually really good for me. I'm not used to having help, I live alone and grew up in a family where I got whacked for not being able to take care of myself, so it was kind of hard to let go and let people help. And I felt incredibly guilty for taking people away from the con--programming or just seeing friends, they weren't doing it because they were babysitting me. But they were all so much smarter than me: getting me food (emyrys had kindly taken us to the store the night before, but I didn't buy anything, you know, healthful), min brought me some bottles of water so we could irrigate it (there was a lot of loose dirt and gravel in the pothole), figuring out next steps of what to do.

I was kind of obsessed about my vid show at 1--I'd worked so hard on that, trying to distill 20+ years of vidding history into 45 minutes, and I very much wanted to run it, which they all thought was nuts, but I promised I'd consider going to urgent care if I could just see my show, I'd never seen all the vids put together. therienne and arduinna had heard about the event, and wanted to take me to urgent care--they had a car and had found a place about five miles from the hotel. The hotel had wanted to send me to the ER in an ambulance (as if) and I was so worried about missing premieres that night and seeing my vid. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but...it was the last one, and VVC has always meant a lot to me, through thick and thin.

My room looked like a murder scene--bloody towels everywhere, the bathtub was full of bloody water from irrigating the knee, bandage wrappings. It was hilarious and I wish to hell I'd taken pictures of it (we'd had the presence of mind to take pictures of my knee, but we didn't think to get the murder room, though as min pointed out, it will live on in our hearts). While everyone was out getting food, I had to pee, and the toilet in my room was ridiculously low (I'd had trouble the night before with that, I'm not a short person and it was absurdly low to the floor) and really hard to sit on with one useful leg and one useful hand. So I called the front desk and asked if it might be possible to get one of the ADA rooms--they're in short supply, so I didn't think they would, but the manager came on to speak to me and said they'd get me one, and was very accommodating in general and we talked about everything.

So therienne and arduinna rounded me up after the show and we went off to urgent care. It was incredibly helpful to have them with me--they know me well, and when the nurse asked about health conditions, reminded me about the cancer, which I wouldn't even have thought to mention. The doctor was really a cutie, he was funny and sweet, and thorough, I felt. He didn't want to close up the three little flaps of skin left on my knee because he was afraid if there were still particles in there after his irrigation, it would get infected. They took x-rays and gave me a disc of them, gave me a brace, told me to see my regular doctor in a week because this type of fracture doesn't always show at first, but does in about seven days (!).

Everyone (the_shoshanna had joined us) helped me scoop up my stuff and move me (the new room was great--right near con space so I didn't have to walk far), and I spent a while holed up in my room, resting, till dinner time. Honestly, I felt pretty okay by then, the shocky, wobbly feeling had gone away after urgent care--there's something about knowing what's wrong that makes you feel better. I made it through the first third of the three hour premieres show, went back to the room and watched the second hour on streaming, and came back for third, where my vid was scheduled. It's funny, because everyone keeps saying that people must have been coming up to me and crying at me after the show, but only a few people spoke to me, and I honestly don't think that most people were crying because of the vid, but because it was the last premieres show; a few were, but I don't think it was quite the way many people thought.

The next day I had a little meltdown at min in text because I couldn't get to the store for more bandages; I finally got a Lyft and had to listen to the guy telling me about how evil Obamacare is--no tip for you, asshole, even though you waited for me while I was in the store. I was pretty bummed that I couldn't really dance for Club Vivid, or wear my heels and cool pants, and had to keep going to rest for a bit. Wearing jeans was a pain, because my knee was so swollen, so I spent most of the weekend in yoga pants.

On Monday I was scheduled to go to downtown Chicago for a few days, so I went in with killabeez and Mrs. Killa, and devilpiglet and I met up with them for an incredibly lovely dinner at a wonderful new Italian place. I wasn't up to much sightseeing, which bummed me out (there are still so many places I haven't seen, may never now that I won't be going back there), but I'm also one of those weirdos who like to hang out in nice hotel rooms. The bell staff at the Palomar were so nice to me, they fussed over me and took really good care of me--yeah, I know people who work in high end hotels are paid to pretend to care about guests, but these guys were great. I was SO looking forward to the pool at the Palomar and the rooftop deck, but they said no submerging the knee, boooo. Never got the chance to take my swimsuit out of the suitcase.

When I was leaving, they put me in a town car and told the driver to charge me what a cab would, and I had a very entertaining ride to the airport. He said I was the best fare he'd had, and I said "I bet you say that to all the girls." But I admit, we did have a great conversation. At the airport, I was pretty early, but there's this bar Rache and I discovered a few years back in the L terminal that's incredibly awesome. It's called Ice, it's all done up in silver and white, and they have excellent food and very good drinks, so I went there and chilled for a little while with iced tea and a fantastic charcuterie plate. It's a very civilized way to wait for your flight. (A few years ago I'd been in there and the bartender remarked on my Funko Pop Winter Soldier shirt, how much he liked my "Bucky Barnes shirt" and I was like ::heart eyes:: because he'd called him by name, recognizing my boo's personhood.)

I think between hotels, cabs, restaurants, and flying, it was hard to keep the knee safe, so by yesterday I was feeling pretty bad: it was puffy, sore, and very red, felt incredibly hot, all of which wasn't helped by the adhesive on the bandages I'd been using (I'm mildly allergic) giving me sores and rashes on either side of the abrasion. Since I had to go in anyway for new x-rays, they looked at the wound and she rather vividly said it was "festering," so they washed it out again and gave me a prescription for antibiotics. It probably wasn't the best idea to drive there--I got caught in some truly terrible traffic where it took me 40 minutes to get through one light, and I felt feverish and lousy with the sun beating down on the car and my knee and wrist aching.

It's already feeling slightly better this morning after just one pill. I'm waiting to hear back about the x-rays but it's a Saturday, so who knows. And I've got the streaming shows for all the VVC stuff I missed to watch, and I'd love to sit down with the DVDs too and watch all the things I either missed or didn't have the brain capacity for. The hardest part of VVC was knowing I might not see some of these people again, and missing the chance to spend time with them because I was a stupid klutz, but at least I can watch some of the programming, though the panels aren't included in that. So many panels I just couldn't get to!

I'm trying to catch up on comments too, but resting has been my imperative. I'm so grateful I had friends there, all of whom took such good care of me. This community is what I'll miss the most, and what I love most.

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Final Vividcon premiere, Dream

Sat, 11 Aug 2018 06:04:26 GMT

Here's the first of the two vids I made with collaboration for the final Vividcon. It's basically my love letter to the con, to vidding, and to fandom.

First of all, I want to say that I could not have made this without the help of anoel, especially, and killa and sdwolfpup, who all helped me with clips, especially in fandoms that aren't my own and I'd have had no hope of getting source for. Anoel went above and beyond and cheerled to an extreme degree, and I also have to thank minim_calibre, who gave me the original, restored-to-their-glory Star Wars movies a while ago, and gave me the Martian as well. I only ended up having like maybe half the source on my own, and getting so much crowd-sourced and just the collaborative spirit made a huge difference (particularly when I found out that the deadline was ten days sooner than I thought it was). The fact that this came together in essentially less than a month is entirely due to their help.

I've had this song from my longtime fave Angela McCluskey for years, and I would play it for people and they'd all agree it would be a fantastic vid song. But I could never figure out a way into it, what the theme was, and when I'd ask what they thought the theme was, they'd tell me something and I'd listen and nod appreciatively, but it was never quite right. When the VVC con comm announced this would be the last con, I thought "oh, that's what it is" and finally knew what it had to be about: this group of crazy people who get together and sit in the dark to watch vids, and make vids, or discuss them and analyze them and gush over them. It's us.

I intended to start it last year, but there was cancer, and other lifestuff, and then I began the process of talking myself out of it. Only, in the back of my heart, I couldn't stop wanting to do this. Fortunately my friends are evil enablers, and they sent me clips and talked about it, and I'm so glad I made it, even with all the hardship. It was a lot of pain and suffering and hard work, but worth it in the end.

If anyone's interested in the list of fandoms, I could add that to this post later--let me know. I managed to injure myself rather severely today and am running at half power right now, but if there's interest I'll happily come back and do that.

ETA: Now with list of fandoms (not in alphabetical order) ( Click for list of fandoms )

ETA 2:
People have asked me about the song--I'm not sure if it's still available on iTunes, but it was. I've been a fan of Angela's for a while, and (everyone gets wigged out when I tell them where this song comes from, but I'll say it anyways) I was watching TV once when a commercial came on and I thought, wait, is that Angela McCluskey? It is! The ad was for the Pampers/UNICEF program to end maternal and newborn tetanus, represented by Salma Hayak, and I wondered if they'd have a full length song available, hunted around, and found it. So it says Pampers/UNICEF on the song metadata--I don't know, I always thought that was kind of cool, a song for a super valuable vaccines campaign and it also fit perfectly with fannish feels. It's a hopeful song, and has that sense of wonder I think we're always looking for.

ETA 3:
There are no official lyrics anywhere, but after listening to the artist for years, I am familiar with her phrasing, and I think this is what they are. ( Lyrics behind cut )

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Here at the end of all things

Fri, 10 Aug 2018 15:42:04 GMT

Got up horribly early and feochadn took me to the airport. I was never so grateful for the chance to upgrade (usually they don't let you do first class with miles on the popular flights) because I was insanely tired and my back was utterly killing me. In fact, when they wouldn't let us stand or get out of our seats (when the pilots come out to use the lavatories), I was just in agony waiting for the chance to stand up. Ugh, flying.

But it was also kind of fun because there were multiple Seattle peeps on the plane and most of us know each other pretty well, and then we caught the shuttle to the hotel and probably drove the other passengers nuts because we'd met up at the airport with another friend and I don't think they knew what to do with all of us.

My pre-Vividcon era chronology show is at 1, and there's a couple things I want to attend, but for the most part I'm going to try to take it easy on my back, even if it means missing some things. I'm already sort of preemptively sad about this being the final con, but...well.

Putting a show together that showcases 20+ years of vidding in 45 minutes was hard, y'all. So unbelievably hard. And I looked at the program booklet last night and after all these years, I finally have a vid that closes the show--achievement unlocked! I've had ones at the start, but never a closer. even thought sometimes I've thought a vid I brought might make an excellent ending vid.

It's wonderful to see so many people one last time. I'm sad knowing that there are many I may never see again, because they've largely stopped going to cons and live all the way across the country. I'm not on twitter so I don't know what all the conversation is like there--hopefully people will alert me if something interesting shows up.

Expect a few vid posts here as the premieres start showing up.

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Ancient history

Fri, 11 May 2018 23:03:40 GMT

Hey fam--this is the first of two posts that I have about plans for Vividcon, specifically crowd-sourcing information and help.

For this one, I need help with the ancient history of vidding--I'm doing a retrospective show on vidding from before the Vividcon era. ETA: I should clarify this: It's not the lists of cons or fandoms or whatever I need help with--it's recommendations and ideas for actual vids I could include. Just having lists of vid names or vidders is not really any use if I have no idea what the vid is like, so personal recommendations or people who can give me those is the most useful.

It's relatively easy for me to go back through the DVDs from Escapade and from individual vidders dating to before 2002, but not so much before the DVD era, because I can't view tapes any longer and most of the folks I know who kept tape collections with run lists and liner notes are either gone now or the ones still alive haven't kept their tapes. And I'd really like to include some things beyond my sphere of influence (eg Escapade, mostly, and the vidders who used to hang out with the Media Cannibals in some form or another). I'd love to not have them all be clustered in the very late '90s/early aughts.

So that would be places like RevelCon, and MediaWest and Zebracon, and the East Coast cons I never really knew much about and whose names I can no longer remember, as well as some fandom-specific cons like the S&H one, I think there were a number of Trek ones, and at least one Professionals one I recall. And there were groups like Cali Crew and others who put out collections or vidded together, but again, just trying to figure out where and when is a little overwhelming for me right now to do solo. Actual concrete info would be most helpful here--I have a pretty good memory but more people telling me what those vids are will help jog my memory.

Not that I necessarily know how I'll get my hands on some of the vids even if anyone has some suggestions, but I'd love to at least have a giant list of suggestions I can research from. I have a few I know I'd like to include, but I think this will be a tough one for me to do.

Also, if you think some of your flist might have ideas, and you wouldn't mind posting a link here or tweeting it or whatever you do social mediawise (I don't twitter or facebook), I'd absolutely love to have people drop by with some ideas. The more the merrier (at least merrier me).

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Wearing next to nothin cause it's hot as an oven

Thu, 03 Aug 2017 05:04:53 GMT

I leave tomorrow for Vividcon, before dawn, and I'm just terrified about leaving Blues--we're under an excessive heat warning for the next few days, and even when it gets "cooler" it's still listed as being in the high 80s F and the 90s, and we mostly don't have AC in homes here. I dithered about getting one, because I not only can't lift one by myself, but they're crazy expensive, and now it's too late and Blues is probably going to get heat stroke and die. My house gets into the 90s when it's that hot, and the only way you can cool it off is by opening the front and back doors once the sun sets; there won't be anyone to do that and my cat sitter, who comes by during the day, will not be likely to open the doors for fear of Blues escaping. I'm very afraid for him. I'm really kicking myself for not just accepting defeat and buying the damn unit and trying to find some way to get it in the house. Plus the cat sitter will roast alive. I also can't leave windows open too much because it'd be so easy to just break right in.

People always tell me to sleep with my windows open but I can't, they have to be down in the opened-locked in the few rooms that allow that, which is only about three inches. My house is ground floor, easy access, and a few years back not too far from here a woman and her partner were brutally assaulted/murdered by a guy who just shimmied their windows open during a heat wave. When you're a woman alone, that's not the best option. Plus, it was weather just like this that made me lose Olive two years ago, she didn't want to get shut up in the broiler of a house.

All I can do is have the sitter pet him with wet brushes or cloths, and put ice cubes in his water, and run the fans when she's here. I'd have her leave the fans on, but I'm so paranoid about things overheating and catching fire; I've seen it too many times. And speaking of fires: the wildfires that are consuming BC are so bad that the smoke is hanging over Seattle. The past two days it's been so hazy you can't see across the water to the Seattle skyline; my eyes are stinging and it's very difficult to breathe at times. But of course, global warming is a myth.

I don't know how much of a good time I'm going to be able to have being this worried about the house and Blues. The way things feel right now, I can't bear the thought of anything happening to him. He's all I've got. But the vids are all queued up on YouTube, and the plane tickets are printed, and I guess it'll be what it'll be. As bad as that is.

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Sun, 04 Jun 2017 19:37:31 GMT

I had just started checking my flists the instant the Vividcon announcement was posted, and so for a while I was just sitting there in shock and sadness and of course no one was posting about it because it had just happened. I spent the rest of the day just being miserable and sad, finally checked back and there had been some reactions. Seems like a lot of people are "shrug, whatever" and fine with it, but I am not. When your life is pretty shitty, having something to look forward to, people you love and only get to see in one or two places a year, is important, and this means I'll never again see a lot of people who mean very much to me, after next year's con. This fannish thing is something I'm stuck with, I've always been one and I will always be one, and having places to participate with that is incredibly important to me. And yeah, okay, I understand what they're saying (although I can't help wondering if an every-other-year format wouldn't help, I don't know), but it still feels very much like I'm/we're losing Sandy and Zen and Abby all over again, and that really fucking hurts.

On the other hand, I had a laugh yesterday when I got a notification that one of the fic translations I'd mentioned in my last post actually was posted; I really had given up on all of these things because it had been soooo long. If you ever wanted to read Your 21st-Century Boy in Russian/Русский, this is now a thing you can do! It's really fascinating to me how fans translate fic, especially things that have cultural nuances and idioms that might not be easily translated, and it was fun talking to secretlytodream about the "takes a village" approach she used to make sure she was getting everything right.

These kinds of things, I guess, are why I will always be a fangirl, even when I'm not really into anything in particular.

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The week that was (not really a con report)

Fri, 19 Aug 2016 06:04:25 GMT

So…that was an…eventful week.

Last Thursday, wickedwords and I were heading out around noon for VVC, and our flight got delayed for at least 45 minutes, so there was some frantic texting with astolat about dinner plans because we'd be coming in so late (I swear both of us actually thought the tickets she bought for us were for the 10 am flight), but then poor astolat ended up being delayed even longer than us due to the thunderstorms around everywhere. Turned out the restaurant closed at 9, which, what the hell, so it was Outback for us, but we got to hang and unwind a little, and catch up, and she saved my sanity by having extra earplugs, which I'd forgotten to pack. It was hilarious on the outbound flight, though: while we were waiting to board, we were just loud enough that jarrow heard us and came over to say hi, because he was on the same flight. Rache and I got seated, her in the middle seat, me in the aisle, and after a few minutes of people coming down the aisle I heard her guffaw and looked up to see jarrow there--he had the window seat next to us. We laughed and laughed--and it was great because he and I were both writing fic and that way you definitely don't have to worry about hiding your laptop with your slash on it.

Chicago was fucking hot--like, knock you back when you step out on the jetway from the plane hot. And I struggled almost the whole time with it, even when it was raining and the heat index dropped a little. We at least got to the store on Friday for some stuff, and I didn't feel like I was going to drop from heat stroke, but man, there were definitely days on this trip that I thought it might happen.

Someone had reblogged an old fic announcement post about Dream of Caramel, which had generated a little flurry of interest in the fic, and more reblogs, so that was an unexpected, rare little bit of pleasantness that made my weekend a lot brighter. Friday night was the premieres show this year, and I'd been more than a little surprised to see, when I got my reg stuff on Thursday, that the vid cesperanza and I made this year was listed first. OMG the pressure! It seemed to go over well, and I posted it that night when I was hanging out in destina's room, though I was a tiny bit tipsy and made a bunch of typos.

I did not expect the flurry of reblogs and comments and stuff! That doesn't usually happen for my vids so it was very cool but also kind of overwhelming and I spent Saturday in a bit of a haze (pleasant, don't get me wrong, but definitely a haze). Got dressed in my Bucky Barnes red henley and dark gray t-shirt, dark jeans, and shooting glove and baseball cap, for Club Vivid, and it was so funny watching people look at me and do a doubletake, thinking I wasn't in a costume and then realizing that I was, and who I was dressed as. I didn't dance as much as I wanted to, because of the aforementioned overheating--I just couldn't seem to get my feet under me half the time, between the Chicago steambath and the hot flashes and all that. My vid, Dangerous, was early on in the show, and for once, the entire dance floor didn't empty out when my vid came on! Yay! Plus it got the anxiety out of the way so I could enjoy the rest of the show. Absolutedestiny brought back some great old vids and it was really a wonderful show this year, I thought.

Sunday was more vid shows and panels and hanging out, and watching the number of notes climb on tumblr--it was all so fascinating. I didn't attend a lot of panels or shows over the weekend, preferring to hang with people I don't get to see much like destina and kassrachel and dorinda and par avion and talitha78, and it was really, really nice to spend time with people and just talk, especially when people were willing to indulge my desire to talk about Steve and Bucky or go get a cruller with me. :-D

Because of the Sebastian Stan fiasco, I was still planning to stay in Chicago for a few days, and I took an Uber into the city. I was planning to work on my Stucky Big Bang story and hang with devilpiglet and a couple other Chicago people--before I left, the artist who signed up for my fic sent me two additional sketches for my story and they are so amazing, it was so inspiring to see art come from my words, I just…it really made that push to get toward the end of the story so much easier, and I'm so excited to see the final drawings they do.

Monday night I spent with devilpiglet at a nice Thai place across from the hotel, and when I got back I had an email from cesperanza asking me about the YouTube file for our vid--she said there were some repeating clips and I thought, no, that must be some kind of browser issue, but nope, it was…completely, utterly borked, for the entire second half of the vid. It was SO bizarre--there were at least a dozen clips that basically cut off and then repeated, which in some cases cut the already tight editing down and made it look like I had flash frames in and that I was a terrible editor. I was sick to my stomach. There wasn't a thing I could do about it, though, except put a note on the YT file and the AO3 page and let people know they might want to wait till I was home to link or rec. I'd watched the vid at least twice a day from the moment I posted it, because I don't trust YT and I was using a different codec, but it was always fine, until, apparently, it wasn't.

I also checked Dangerous and the beginning of that one was messed up. I didn't sleep at all Monday night, I was ragged and exhausted with trying to figure out what had happened, and angsting over the whole thing. In the morning on Tuesday I checked Dangerous first, and it was…fine. But I noticed YT had removed the 1080p quality setting and now only allowed a max of 720p. I just had no idea what to make of anything, but I went out to Starbucks for breakfast and then I wanted to walk over to the Miracle Mile, because I'd never seen that when I've been in Chicago before.

When I got there I opened up tumblr, just to check how the vids were doing, and saw that I had a personal message from someone, and it turned out to be the person who's doing a new stucky fic recs site that is really well written and thoughtful. She said she'd been reading my stuff and liking it, and that made me just…forget all about the Sturm und Drang of the Spaceboy fiasco, but then she added that she'd written up a rec for I can't remember how this started (but I can tell you exactly how it ends), my Winter Soldier-goes Groundhog Day story, and I swear I nearly swooned right there in Starbucks. Like, I never expected in a million years that I, a no-name fan, would ever get a story recced there. It made me feel so much better. I got a handful of comments and kudos from it, which, combined with the comments on Spaceboy and Dangerous, left me feeling better enough to spend the day writing in my room instead of rending my garments and screaming at YT, with breaks for a swim and seeking out food. Then devilpiglet and I hit the hotel bar and had a light dinner and she introduced me to rumchata (in the form of milkshakes) and OMG where has that been all my life? I am buying a bottle of that next time I hit the store, for sure.

We'd planned to go to the Shedd aquarium on Wednesday, but I kind of hit a wall, so she took me to see the beach at the lake, another thing I've never really done, but…I totally crapped out on her. The anxiety about the vid had kind of done me in, and the heat was killing me. We did stop to eat at a cool '70s diner place, and walked through some beautiful neighborhoods with amazing houses, and went to this really neat architectural salvage place, and then she took me to the airport. We got there earlier than expected, but I was so glad we left when we did after she texted me later and told me about Obama's visit basically shutting down the expressway, so yay for that. Of course my flight was delayed, but I hung out for a while at this nice bar we discovered a few years ago in the L terminal, and the bartender admired my Bucky Barnes shirt. Needless to say I gave him a nice tip. After some more delays it was home again, home again, and I got home very late last night to an insanely loving kitty cat.

This morning I got up and started to work on exporting a new video file to upload to YT, start fixing things. One of the things I hate about YT is that you can't fix a video, you have to reupload to a whole new page, and that means all the links will break and whatnot. But I got a text just as I was opening up Final Cut, from cesperanza, saying that it seemed to be playing fine, so we talked about it on the phone while I watched it and yup, it was totally unborked. I have this once-bitten feeling, like I can't trust it's not going to happen again, but as she put it, it's a chance to reblog the announcement and whip up more interest, so that was today. I have no idea why it happened, I can only assume YT made some kind of code change like they're always doing (the timing on the vid even changed, and I notice it still only allows 720p), but I feel like they took about 6 years off my life and they owe me, the bastards. So right now it's fine, and if you were waiting to watch because of my notes on the AO3 page, go cast your eyeballs upon it and enjoy!

And now I'm very sleepy, still on Chicago time, but I think I will see how much writing I can do tonight, and hope to finish this damn story by tomorrow. Posting deadline is the 29th, but wow, do I have a lot of editing and rewrites to get through, and I don't want to wait till the last minute. I've had enough of bad things happening for a while, and I feel like that's courting fate.

It's been a wild rollercoaster of a week, full of drama and trauma and ongoing saga, and lots of people I love and really sweet things happening and vids and fic and just a flurry of Things That Don't Usually Happen to Me.

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New vid from Club Vivid: Dangerous

Sun, 14 Aug 2016 20:13:53 GMT

It was totally an accident of fate that both my vids this year were Stucky vids, I swear. Sorry for the relentless tide of Steve/Bucky visuals.

I'll have download info when I return. On AO3 | on Tumblr

Thanks to destina for the beta. Feedback & reblogs are adored!

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New vid from VVC: Hallo Spaceboy

Sat, 13 Aug 2016 03:20:18 GMT

A couple years ago, cesperanza and I started talking about this vid, but we'd bring it up and then forget about it, until this year, with David Bowie's death, it seemed the time to do it. It was fun to collaborate with someone again, and I think the end result turned out pretty good.

Many thanks to killa for the song edit and the graphic.

On AO3 | on Tumblr

Feedback is adored!

When I return home I'll have the high-quality download available at my vids site.

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We are go for launch

Thu, 11 Aug 2016 05:06:56 GMT

Hair cut and color: check
Bags packed and bag-tag holder acquired: check
Bucky Barnes cosplay items packed: check
Vids uploaded to YouTube for the annual posting roundelay nightmare: check
Boarding pass printed: check
Horrifically overpriced ride to airport set up: check
Cat food/litter stocked up: check
iTunes playlists and Spotify offline playlists that had been mysteriously wiped off the new phone added: check

Vividcon five by five

I know I'm forgetting something, I always forget something (and no, making a list never helps, because I inevitably leave something off the list that I need for that specific venue), but at this point, I guess I've done the most important things. I'm waffling on bringing this small "free" tablet I got when I got the new phone--I'm not super fond of the Android interface, it makes no sense to me, and I was kind of pissed when I found out I was locked into a two-year phone data plan for it when I'd never asked for it in the first place, and didn't know that's what they were doing, but that way I wouldn't have to squint at the phone for fic, or put the laptop on my chest. I'm not really planning to read a lot because OMG the Stucky Big Bang deadline is fast approaching and I really, really have to get busy and finish this. I still have so much to write, so so much, and then editing, because I'm not one of those people who can write great first drafts, anything good I do comes in the editing passes.

I thought we were leaving two hours earlier than we are, so we're not getting in till pretty late, but I will see many of you on Friday, I'm sure.

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Fanfic panel at Emerald City Comic Con

Fri, 08 Apr 2016 04:40:42 GMT

I posted this at my Tumblr but then forgot to post it here:

Hey guys, if you’re going to Emerald City Comic Con next weekend, I’m going to be on a panel about fanfiction, Slash, Shipping, and Online Communities: Why Fanfiction Matters – you should come!

I confess I think this is kinda hilarious, since I’m not a BNF, hell, I’m not even what you could call popular and I sometimes think I couldn’t get people to read my fic if I threw $20 bills at them like a stripper in reverse. But the lovely Zoe and Ruby asked me to be on it, so I said yes, and there are other cool people on the panel like lettered and Astrid from AO3. It’s also funny because I’m not a wide reader – I tend to focus on a narrow range of fic, and kind of keep to my own little corner. But god knows, I’m never short on opinions.

The panel is on Saturday at the dinner hour, 5:30-6:30, so I have no idea what to expect, but if you’d like to come talk about fanfic, join us! We’ll also be doing a livestream, I guess, on Sunday morning, which terrifies me since I look even worse on camera than I do in real life, but I don’t know where that is on the schedule–I think it’s at 11:15 am PT and you may be able to watch it without attending?

I’m hoping to talk about one of my favorite topics, which is that fic allows us to delve into characters or relationships that would never be center stage, or even allowed to happen, in the source material (my personal fave: Bucky having friendships with characters like Pepper Potts or Clint Barton). But I’m sure there’ll be a lot of other fun stuff to discuss. I hope to see you there!

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The correlation of salvation and love

Thu, 13 Aug 2015 20:11:55 GMT

Kind of mired in the usual post-Vividcon sense of worthlessness and failure, watching the vids sink into the black holes like they usually do. I kinda thought this year I might have made a couple vids that more than a few people would like, but not so much. Though the auction vid was the one I worried over most at the beginning, because you always want that to be what the person who paid for it likes, and I was so lucky that killa loved the vid I made for her. And it's cool that some people were intrigued by the visuals and want to seek the movie out.

It was really, really hard to come home to the house without Olive here. She usually ran away from me as fast as she could, trying to avoid being squished and kissed, and get out of the house as I struggled with my luggage, and it made me pretty weepy to not have her here. But Blues was exceptionally lovey-dovey from being alone so long, and that was a bonus. He loves being visited when I'm gone, but no one's as big a deal as I am, apparently.

I did have a great time with the wonderful killabeez sightseeing in Chicago and staying at a super posh hotel, and meeting up with my darling devilpiglet for dinner and crying crystalline tears over Bucky and Steve. We took a river tour focused on architecture, and that so did not disappoint. We had awesome pancakes, too, at a place I can't remember the name of, and dinner at a swell place that seemed kind of like an old speakeasy or something. I really needed the mini-vacation and it helped keep my mind off Olive a bit.

There were a couple of really amazing things that happened while I was at the con, though, that made me feel better about the vid situation. The first was that I got a surprise notification that I was listed as a co-author for a podfic of one of my stories, that I kind of love but that has never had much readership at all, Opportunities in Freelance. It was only the second time I've ever had a podfuc of a work, and I squeed so hard I think I broke myself.

[podfic] Opportunities in Freelance (41 words) by gwyneth rhys, reena_jenkins

And then, a couple days later, I got a notice that reena had also podficced Your 21st-Century Boy. I am so thrilled that someone would want to do that, and if you are at all inclined toward podfic, give them a listen, they are both lots of fun and the cover art, especially for Opportunities in Freelance, is so delightful.

[podfic] Your 21st-Century Boy (47 words) by gwyneth rhys, reena_jenkins

And then the thing that knocked me over--a few weeks ago, auslandischwasser (thanks! fixed!) made a fanmix for the playlist that Steve listens to while running, which Sam made for him, in Things We Lost in the War. She had written to me about the story back when I posted it, and we'd got to talking about what Sam might have put on that playlist, and so Sweatin' with the Oldies was just such a joy to see. I highly recommend it, I think it really captures Steve and Bucky and Steve's mindset in the beginning of the story! (And it's both our headcanons that Sam would be a Rihanna fan.) I'd never really inspired anyone to do anything, so having a fanmix inspired by a fic was just such a thrill.

I never expected that she'd make a second one inspired by the same fic. But I got the email when I was at the con and feeling pretty down, and it just. Flail. Major Kermit arms flail. I listened to all of it on the plane, and I was in tears after I'd finished. It's really truly Things We Lost in the War in musical form. I can't figure out how to link with the cover art, but you can find my reblog of the Sing Me to Sleep fanmix here and there's a note about the track listing--one of the songs isn't available on the Spotify version. If you love Steve and Bucky, give it a listen because it's just gorgeous and perfect and wonderful and I can't believe something I did inspired something so lovely.

So yeah, those things definitely helped with the negative VVC ions. I'm even signed up now for Spotify and 8tracks.

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Follow me, don't follow me

Fri, 10 Jul 2015 20:48:54 GMT

So, I got a lovely request to send a vid in for Connexions con, and after talking with the person who asked, we figured I should send one of my MCU vids. And I can't decide--if you were me, which vid would you send:

Shelter - this has the advantage of being a teamy Cap family vid with bonus slash hints, and there really aren't, sadly, a lot of team vids for CA: Winter Soldier.

Orange Crush - I'm kind of most inclined to send this, because I think it might play well in a con audience and it's never really showed at a con (I used it as an example to talk about pacing in a panel last year at VVC, but that's the only time it's been "live"), and it's kinda actiony, but it's not necessarily a slash vid per se.

Sorrow - this is definitely very slashy, but it's also sad, everyone says, and makes people's hearts hurt. Not that there's anything wrong with that in a con, but it is definitely a factor.

Anyway, I need to make a decision soon, so if you have an opinion (especially if you've ever been to Connexions), I'd love to hear it.

Over in her journal, Dorinda was talking about finishing the audio book to The Martian, which I just finished in ebook form last week. I was SO PROUD of myself--it was the second fiction book in a row I'd finished that wasn't work, wasn't a friend's, that I read just for pleasure, something I haven't done since 2007-8 or so. I lost my ability to focus on books that weren't work, and since most of the fiction I read for work is terrible, it's made it even harder to read anything that isn't fic or something I HAVE TO. And she says a lot of things about how I felt about The Martian, and the problems I had with it, and I commented with my opinion. Apparently I have very strong opinions about it!

And weirdly coincidentally, I was talking with belmanoir about it last night, and about how I'd just watched Apollo 13 again and it pointed up one of the issues I had with The Martian and the XKCD cartoon about it. In the cartoon, he has one of his figures saying that The Martian was basically the book for people who thought the whole of Apollo 13 should have been about the scientists and engineers in mission control. And I laughed, because yeah, I suppose it is, but also that's one of its biggest flaws for me, that it's just a wall of sciencey stuff and Andy Weir is not a good enough writer to do anything resembling characterization--which, I mean, that's not necessarily what he wanted to do when writing the book, but you do have to try to bring people along on your story. It's a cracking good story idea, no doubt.

But what I really wanted to say is that one of the things that makes all that engineer science stuff so fucking exhilirating and engaging is that it's done by great actors and a good director. Take, for instance, the scene where they think they've found a solution to how to power things back up, and they might be able to bring the Apollo 13 crew home. Ken Mattingly (played by Gary Sinise) and John Aaron (Loren Dean) are arguing about the amps they're using and throwing around all this jargon, and it's just such an intense and wonderful scene because they think they've found it, they think they have a solution, but Aaron points out, "You're telling me what you need, and I'm telling you what we have!" and they have to go back to the drawing board, feeling hopeless and miserable. They're exhausted and frayed. And we feel that, just like we've felt the fear all the engineers have had since the explosion, every step of the way, or we've felt Gene Kranz's determination and anger because Ed Harris is so amazing.

So I'm really excited about the movie version of The Martian in a way I couldn't be about the book. Because what made that stuff so indelible in Apollo 13 that I don't think the XKCD guy got (since he's a science nerd) wasn't the recitation of facts and numbers, it was these actors bringing alive the facts, the director creating CHARACTERS we feel for and want to see succeed. I think a skilled writer could do that on the page, but Weir isn't that writer, and while the folks who loved all that were happy with the book, it's not what I read for. Seeing the trailer, though, and the little preview movie where Matt Damon as Mark Watney is making a little introductory movie, I can see that a skilled director working with amazing fucking actors is going to take that unfleshed-out part of the story and turn it into something as engaging as Apollo 13 was. I've watched those previews now quite a few times, while I was reading the book, and I'm super psyched about the movie. SO PSYCHED. And not just because Sebastian Stan plays Chris Beck!

Ridley Scott's been disappointing or enraging me a lot lately (do not start me on Prometheus or his comments about white actors in Exodus), but this is the kind of movie that's so totally in his wheelhouse, and I'm hopeful that he's going to bring out all the good ideas about the book and the characters that I don't think were always successful on the page. (Also, the version I read was I guess the original self-published version, and jesus was that one of the worst, messiest things I've ever looked at. I don't know how much polish the publisher who picked it up gave it, but I hope it was a lot.) I liked Mark Watney and I liked many of the other characters, but they were never fully human for me, and I think Ridley will make them so much more so. When you've got actors like Matt Damon and Chiwetel Ejiofor and Jessica Chastain and Sean Bean (and my sweeties, Sebastian and Donald Glover), you're ahead of the game right there.

Wow, apparently I really do have strong feelings about this. ;-)

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Like the ceiling can't hold us

Mon, 23 Mar 2015 21:56:49 GMT

On Saturday I had a tea party with some friends, where I get to break out the Red Wing Pepe midcentury dishware pattern I started collecting a few years ago and my cool midcentury modern stuff and make tea and eat stuff I shouldn't. It's the only time you'll likely be at a tea party where you also get to talk about blood and guts and gore and sexual shenanigans while eating scones and drinking orange blossom oolong. Seriously, we were talking about this fanart I love where Steve gets deserumed and Hydra carves their logo on his chest and he's given to the Winter Soldier and then we were all laughing hysterically because yeah, that's not your typical tea party conversation. I love fans.

Anyway, I was lamenting my worries about the Vividcon auction, like ya do when you know people are going to spend money on you and you worry about whether you can do what they want, and without my realizing it for a while minim_calibre started bidding on me, and killabeez was plotting as well. After everyone had left--such a lovely time! Thank you all again for coming!--I went across the alley to see my old next door neighbor, who was visiting my other neighbor, and chatted and caught up, and then I came back home and the auction had ended. There was an email from Killa saying VICTORY IS MINE! and I knew, from being in a bidding cabal with her before, that she'd had trouble in past auctions getting the vidders she wanted, so she was very happy to make me her vidding slave.

So now I am owned by Killa and we're talking songs and fandoms and I am so excite! You always worry that you might not be sympatico with whoever buys you, just like there's always that tension before you get your fandom assignment for Festivids. It's great to be able to do a vid for someone you love. I've been so lucky in my vidding gift/auction vid assignments--for three years running in Festivids I've been assigned someone I like, and in the first VVC auction I got bought by kadymae/devilc, so I cannot complain about this. This is gonna be FUN.

OTOH I'm tortured by what I want to make for premieres, and I have a book coming in in a couple days with a ridic deadline and I really want to finish this goddam Steve/Bucky fic that's been torturing me for MONTHS now and makes me want to spork my eyes out and claw my face off. It's not worth the effort, I know it's not, and yet here I struggle.

The one bad thing about Saturday was that I found out Vimeo has removed all of my vids without any warning. It says I have zero vids, and I can't seem to log in even after requesting my password and stuff. I knew they were banhammering new vids, but I didn't think they were just flat-out deleting older ones, and I'm kind of sick about it. I just don't have the time or inclination to put those up on my YouTube channel but people don't seem to want to DL vids just to view them these days. Ugh. I hate it. Especially because one of them was the Flashpoint vid that Hugh Dillon tweeted about a couple years ago, and now it's just gone. Fuck you, Vimeo. God, I hate YouTube but that's really the only option now.

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Off to Southern California

Tue, 03 Mar 2015 06:43:33 GMT

I'm leaving with black_bird_777 for San Diego on Wednesday, and we're down there till Friday, when we head up to LA for Escapade. I positively loathed the hotel last year, so I wanted to minimize my time there, which means I'll miss a fair amount of Friday but I kind of don't have a lot I'm excited about anyway, so it's mostly seeing people.

I'm bringing my laptop with me so I can write, though I'm having a lot of trouble overcoming both the difficulty I'm having with this story I had to stop in the middle of for Yuletide and overcoming the worthless, hopeless feeling of why bother writing, or creating anything, really. I thought about setting everything up for my premiering vid so I could just make it live after the show, but then I just thought what difference does it make if it's Sunday or Tuesday, it's not like anyone would give a shit. So it gives me a little more time to tweak it; I wasn't completely happy with the vid I submitted to the con so I'm messing a little bit with clips still (and still not happy).

I have also been really battling the depression that comes at this time of year for me--because the con is later this year, it comes at exactly the time sis_r was dying, and I had thought I was emotionally ready to go back to San Diego, but I had forgotten that it was the ten-year anniversary of her death this month. It seems like just yesterday to me, it's every bit as acute and my dreams and flashbacks are every bit as horrible as they were then. I can't really believe that it's been ten years since I lost her, and I still have no more idea how to live as a solo twin now as I did then. So I planned badly--being back in San Diego was maybe not a great idea, or who knows, maybe it will be cathartic. It's hard to imagine right now.

We're staying at a hotel right on Pacific Beach, which was a place I spent a lot of time with sis_r at. In fact the only time black_bird's been there was when she and I went down to have dinner on Pacific Beach with my sister. But that means there will be surfers and puppies and hot men and women wandering around, and that's yay.

Anyway, I do have a panel on Saturday at 11 a.m., and if you're into Captain America, you should come. I have no idea yet what I want to talk about, but I figure if all it is is me going, Let me tell you about my FEELS for Bucky Barnes to maybe one or two people and we just weep crystalline tears, that's okay. This is the panel description:

Let’s talk about the biggest fandom of 2014 and the riches it gave us--the epic and tragic nearly century-long love between Steve and Bucky, the introduction of Sam into Steve’s life, Steve’s developing relationship with Natasha, or anything else we love about Cap2 (and Cap1, of course!).

Please come talk with me so I don't sit there like a sad little robot.

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Got an ensemble vid you love? Tell me!

Fri, 16 May 2014 18:57:45 GMT

I'm running a vidshow at VVC this year called Teamy Goodness. My blurb for it is:

The team power walk. The group of friends and their wacky shenanigans. The ragtag band who come together to accomplish something no one thought they could. Who doesn't love a great fannish ensemble? Let's watch some vids that celebrate teamy goodness. Smells like team spirit!

I'd love to get some suggestions of teamy vids you love! I'm really behind the pack right now because I wasn't able to start on this till after I finished the awful book, so I definitely need to catch up and watch some vids this weekend. I'd especially love some suggestions for older vids from the VCR or very early computer era, since I'm pretty much the only person anymore at VVC who puts these in shows outside of trelkez.

Tell me what you love! You can comment here with suggestions, or at the form on the VVC website.

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