gwyn: (8ball wizzicons)
[personal profile] goss has created a cool new community for fan artists called Drawesome. If you're an artist or just interested, go check it out. I keep thinking about trying to learn to draw--I'm completely wihtout talent, I can't even draw stick figures, and I really don't know how to even go about it, but I'm surrounded by artists and they're always grousing at me that anyone can learn, you don't have to be born with talent. I don't believe this, but I still want to learn, at some point.

Drawesome on DW
[community profile] drawesome: A Drawing Community for Fan-Artists


I haven't been making this public much yet, but I feel like I have to, just so everyone knows what's going on. They found a cancerous tumor during the colonoscopy Thursday, so…yeah. Guess who has cancer. Did you guess me? You're correct!

It's weird, I've been expecting this for years, but not this one: I figured it'd be melanoma or the thing that killed my twin sister, ovarian cancer. This one is my ultimate nightmare--I'm phobic as hell about bodily functions, and there's so much awful stuff that results from colon cancer that I'm completely freaked out about.

I don't see the surgeon till Thursday so right now I don't know much. I had a CT scan yesterday to see if there's more cancer anywhere else and additional bloodwork, and then I had to put on my everything's normal face and go do a guest lecture at the UW. This one woman waited till I was saying thanks goodbye to pop up with a question, and to say she had resting bitch murderface is to put it mildly; I wouldn't be surprised if her whole family was axed to death and they're buried in her basement. And she asked this totally angry, pissed off question and I just didn't have spoons to answer so I was like a deer in the headlights.

Anyway, my biggest fear is that this means I can't go to Vividcon. Like, I care way less about my life, especially these days, and am totally willing to wait till after so I can go. I have a feeling they will not like this. But it's the one thing keeping me together. Not to mention very expensive nonrefundable tickets. The doctor kept stressing how early they'd found it and how good that was. But he also smiled when he said I might have cancer so who knows what's going on with him. Oh and also I got notice that the insurance I have through the ACA is going away next year--the only reason I was able to afford the colonoscopy was that this insurance was really good, and the only other decent one doesn't work with my doctor and clinic. So even if the fucking republicans take everything away in two years, I'm out for 2018 just when I need it most. (And they're such fucking liars, they blame this on market volatility and say it was such a hard decision…no, it's not, you just want more money lining your bonus pockets.)

I'm turning off comments, even though yes, I am really sad and depressed and feeling very lonely. My family's all gone, and most everyone lives far from me or useless (like, I love my BFF, but he's useless) so it's a lot to expect of people. It's been hard just doing day to day stuff like I'm fine. But I have a lot of this in my future so I have to get used to it. I hate the not knowing the most, though.

Snow day

Feb. 6th, 2017 11:46 am
gwyn: (walken wonderland)
It snowed last night, but while I was up it was "wintry mix" snrain, mostly, and I'm so used to the snow they keep promising us not appearing, but nope, when I got up to take care of the terrors and nightmare mum, there was lots more white stuff, and when I woke up there was about three inches--a rarity in Seattle. We do get snow, sometimes lots of it, but then we'll have a couple years like these past ones where nothing happens. It's still coming down in fluffy wet flakes. All my bamboo is bent over, and I just made a perimeter check to make sure nothing looked like it would snap any lines.

I took mama out in a little jacket, just to show her the snow and see if she'd go under the trees to potty, but she didn't like it and went under the deck. If she peed there, I don't know, but then she came out and whined because she didn't want to walk through it to get to the stairs.

The babies are getting so big, and they are strong enough now to pull the potty pads out from under the pen, and then eat them. I'm afraid one of them will get an obstruction in their belly. The rescue group has pretty much abandoned me--tough shit, I guess, if they need to be split up and I'm overwhelmed. There's a potential the mama had ringworm, which means a lot of people won't take the babies, but the culture takes TWO FUCKING WEEKS and so here I am, in this nightmare scenario with potentially ringwormy babies no one will want. The other foster fell through because of that. They need to be split up badly, they are overwhelming at this point--they're awake a lot more, playing and fighting, and being seriously desctructive. They also should stop nursing, but they haven't, and that's a problem in its own right.

And now with snow I'm even more a prisoner in my own house. I'm so depressed sometimes I with I could just walk out and leave and never come back. But all the animals need me, so here I am.

Anyway. It's pretty outside.

ETA: This is what happens when we get snow or windstorms, or super heavy rain, especially in my area where there is tons of old-growth parkland or greenbelts--this is the street over from me, heading downhill toward the water, which is my primary walking route when I have time to do that.

gwyn: (bucky & steve alley purple)
I promised download links to the two Vividcon vids--hallo spaceboy and dangerous--when I returned from Chicago, but then I fell down the hole of trying to finish my Stucky Big Bang fic on time, so they never went up. For the, like, two people who want to download higher res files, you can find them both at my vids site now. The spaceboy DL is pretty large, but that was the lowest size I could get without completely losing quality, for some reason. (I think my site is not viewable on mobile devices and some other things make it hard to access; I don't know what or why, and I don't really have the knowledge to know how to fix it. If anyone might be interested in helping me figure out how to fix it so it's more accessible, I'd love to talk to you, maybe I could pay you in a vid or fic.)

Man, it's one thing to expect a fic to do poorly but it's another thing for it to bomb completely. I feel so sorry for my artist, throwing in with me. Anyone who collaborates with me, really; they could pick literally anyone else in fandom and get more recognition or responses on their work.

I've had some run-ins with truly wretched customer service and support lately, and I'm just…I never feel quite so alone and hopeless as I do when confronted with people who expect me to solve problems I'm not in any way capable of solving on my own/too disabled by my back to do/don't have tool or skill sets and are then just fed up or plain nasty at me for it. And I'd really rather not pay astronomical sums for the privilege of their help, but I'm kind of stuck, and they make you feel so small for being floored by what they want to make you pay.

I cannot find rumchata anywhere in this fucking town. But I did learn where to get an actual cruller in this fucking hipster donut infested asshole city, so that's one thing. (Seriously, if you ever think your city is infested with idiotic hipsters, come to Seattle or Portland and we'll quickly disabuse you of that notion. They're like termites or rodents of unusual size.)
gwyn: (bucky with mask)
I fucking knew it. I just knew this would happen--I made plans to stay in Chicago for a week after Vividcon to see Sebastian Stan at Wizard World, something I’ve never done before (I’m not usually an actor-con type person), but I figured I was in the city anyway and he’ll never come out here to the Northwest. Guess who just cancelled?

And now I’m stuck there with a nonrefundable plane ticket and the costs of all these goddamn hotels, and there’s literally no one I give a shit about seeing there other than meeting up with my friends who were also going to see Sebastian. They didn’t even say whether the refund means the entire cost of admission, or if I’ll have to buy an actual pass for the fucking con, a con I really have no interest in attending. I have always hated Chicago--every time I go there something shitty happens, last year was the only year I’ve gone where it was actually a relatively pleasant trip and no disasters. I should have known.

I am so bummed. I didn’t really care about the autographs, but I was looking forward to actually seeing his pretty face in person and he's always such an entertaining panelist.

I'm faded

May. 15th, 2016 12:03 pm
gwyn: (beaten cap shield)
Man, I know lately it's been a struggle for me, with so many things that keep piling up and piling up on the depression (watching my fandom get eaten alive, constantly getting confronted with these people who hate my fic/me and the really shitty things they say, my pain levels getting worse and worse and no real way out of it, that feeling like everything's falling apart in slo-mo and I don't have anyone left in my life to help me put the brakes on, they're all dead), but I wasn't expecting to have a guest lecture tip me over the edge into full meltdown mode yesterday. I don't know how people who teach for a living do it. My hat is off to you. Seriously. Especially people who teach adult learners who act like they actively don't want to learn.

I used to teach in the editing program at the University of Washington, but I can't say I ever enjoyed it, though there was always a rock star student or two who made it feel worthwhile; then the program wanted to make my optional practicum course mandatory and I was like, nope, not enough spoons, too busy with paying jobs (the sheer volume of work it would have entailed at the laughable compensation they were giving me was ridiculous), and ended up creating a one-day proofreading workshop through the program instead. I really enjoyed that so much more, despite the constant fucking-up the program support staff did on it, and the people who took it seemed to mostly enjoy it and get a lot of useful information. Then the U decided to not offer it, without telling me or involving me in the decision, and so now I just do guest lectures on some of the stuff I used to teach in the practicum at the now-mandatory class. I went a few weeks ago to the first of the spring classes--two different units, one in a.m. and one in p.m., and then the second set yesterday.

And they're completely black and white: what I'm talking about is kind of boring and unpleasant, building an editing career stuff, so I try to make it funny and engaging and lively, and the morning crowd both times was enthusiastic, engaged, laughing at all my jokes, asking lots of questions. Thanking me afterward for coming. The afternoon crowd is…well, dead, my friend who runs the class called it, but it felt almost hostile both times. They sat there unmoving, staring at me, even a couple who had resting hate face maybe but they seemed like they were glaring, unresponsive, never laughed or even smiled except one lone woman, and had no questions. Either time, not a single question. Both times this guy sat sort of right in front of me so I couldn't avoid him in the sight line and he never moved once, just sat there staring at me with what felt like contempt, it was downright creepy.

And something about that just made all this other stuff (and there's a lot of it, not just those things I mentioned) just implode inside me and it was a struggle not to come home and buy a package of double stuff Oreos and a carton of Ho-Hos and a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi and maybe a bottle of vodka and eat until I barfed myself into a coma (I didn't though). I don't even know why that was the final straw, but it just…ugh. And then reading this constant attack on characters I love in the Cap-verse made me wander around the house wringing my hands and urgently texting people my anguish, who couldn't respond because they have, you know, a life.

I have to get the energy/motivation to work on a VVC premieres vid but I'm at sea about what to do with it; I feel like the last couple vids I've made have been pretty abject failures. I came out of Winter Soldier with at least 12 story ideas and a burning desire to write; the closing of the canon in Civil War makes me not even want to finish the unwritten things I have, though I'm officially signed up for the Stucky Big Bang and have sent in my summary, so I have to do that.

Maybe I should take a page out of [personal profile] sholio's book, which is always a good book to take from: Send me a prompt with Captain America-verse characters and I'll write at least a 100-word ficlet for you in comments. I can't promise it'll be right away, and I can't promise to do all of them (especially if it's not in my wheelhouse) but I'll do my best with my admittedly limited spoons right now.


Oct. 30th, 2015 12:15 pm
gwyn: (bucky with mask)
So AO3 has been utterly fucked all week, and it made posting a 35,000-word fic hair-tearingly difficult. But one of the side-effects was that the RSS feeds (to Tumblr and I suppose other places) for my characters and pairings weren't updating much at all, just a few posts trickling through, and then they shut off the feeds altogether for a while. Since I don't have many followers/subscribers and rarely get reblogs/recs, what little way I've found for new fics to get out to a slightly wider audience have come through those Tumblr RSS feeds. And I can't imagine they scrape and post the backlog of things that didn't get posted that far back. It's like "ha ha, no soup for you!"

Ever since Vividcon I've kind of felt like Nelson from the Simpsons is standing behind me pointing and going HA ha! every time I've made something. I went to bed with such a frustration headache last night.

And I didn't get signed up for Festivids. I can't seem to get to the sign-up form no matter what I do. I keep signing in and I can see my dash, but I can't get a form. I find the site really hard to parse, so I thought it was just that I can't see an important hidden button or link, but I missed the deadline for signing up anyway, so. No challenges this year after all. I'll see if I can squeeze in a treat for someone. It feels strange not to have something to look forward to, once I'm finished with the book I'm working on--no Yuletide, no Festivids.
gwyn: (sharpe sad wizzicons)
Ugh, my head has been aching for days with the trying not to cry. I am so fucking down and feel so utterly worthless, useless, and hopeless these days that it's a constant battle to stay upright. And I don't want to try to go on antidepressants again because the side effects are just so damn awful I don't really feel like it's worth it (plus it doesn't help me much, and kills being able to write, but then, I don't think anyone would care about that and I'm not even sure I do either, so). I keep thinking of my sister lately, even though this isn't the time of year I usually think of her the most, but she was worthy and useful and everyone loved her and I don't know why I'm still here and she's not.

And then there's the pain, the never ending fucking pain. I finally decided to suck up my fears and get a cortisone shot in my spine but it's done nothing, really. It's a tiny bit less horrible, but not enough, and when I see that bill I'm going to be even more miserable having spent that money but still no relief.

OK, to actually do something besides be sad and pathetic, here is something useful: I've seen this question around a lot lately in my circles, where people are wondering how you pluralize proper nouns that end in y, like people's names or businesses or such. I haven't done a usage post in years, but here's your answer:

When you're pluralizing those types of proper nouns, you don't treat them the same way as you would a regular noun ending in y. So, for instance, "We picked blackberries" is how you'd pluralize the noun blackberry, but "We bought two BlackBerrys at Frye's today" is how you'd handle the proper noun (name) of the handheld device. Same thing for people's names -- "We had four Cindys in our class" or "What if we made an army of Buckys!" or "What would we do without the Nick Furys of this world?" There you go.
gwyn: (stabbity guy tribades)
I ask that mostly as a rhetorical question, but seriously, if anyone can answer that, I'd like to know. I rarely get comments anymore on anything from AO3 now that the kudos button is around, so I get a little excited when I do get the stray comment. And I'm a person who's open to someone pointing out issues or whatever in a comment, as long as they're not doing it to shame me or whatever. I believe that if you're putting things out in the world, you should have enough spine to take criticism.

But what the hell do you do when some assface leaves you a comment like this? "I clicked on this video because I thought it was 'a girl worth fighting for' and I was sad when it wasn't." (This was for my Avengers vid Worth Fighting For.)

Do you delete it? Respond with a witty put-down (if so, please provide me with a witty put-down)? Ask them what the hell is wrong with them?

I'm really curious. I am just flabbergasted that someone took the time to leave such a stupid, insulting comment. People don't even take the time to leave you compliments anymore!

In other irritating news, yesterday I finally got around to replacing my water filter cartridge under the sink. I hate doing this, so I avoid it until the water comes out in this thin trickle that takes about five minutes to fill a glass halfway. The cartridge never wants to come out easily, and yesterday when it finally came loose, it smashed my little finger really bad, and it now matches my vibrant purple robe and is really swollen. I tried icing it immediately and putting arnica cream on, but nothing's really helped. I see these two tiny bumps on the knuckle and I kind of wonder if they might be loose pieces of bone. Shit, I really don't want to have X-rays again, this past year I've been bombarded with X-rays for so many things, but I've been told before something wasn't broken or cracked or whatever, and then it healed the wrong way. I guess I'll nurse it a while and see. It's definitely making it hard to type!
gwyn: (abed spaceman grosserpepper)
I haven't been updating at all, and now I owe both a Festivids letter and a Yuletide letter to my giftee givers. I am so behind. Every time I think I'm catching up, I get behind again. It's depressing. The workout thing is really affecting my work situation -- it cuts my day in half in a weird way, but mostly it's just that when I get back, it's hard for me to settle down and concentrate on work, so I often don't start until hours later. After being stalled on progress, though, I have a lost a whole pound, woo hoo, and a few tenths of a percent of body fat. It's not happening fast enough. They keep saying it will, but I just... I don't know.

Now, though, I have a really serious foot problem that I didn't have before, and nothing is helping it get better. I looked up some stuff last night and I think it sounds exactly like a couple things, one is a more serious condition and the other is more of a bunch of symptoms resulting in a condition. Either way, all the cool new shoes I've bought recently will be right out at least for the foreseeable future. But I also bought two new pairs of workout shoes and this is the second time I'm going to have to return them when I head over to the mall in a little bit. Arg! Why so difficult?

I did get a personal chef, though. There are still some kinks to work out on it, but it's helping me to focus my eating a little better. My big problem is still wanting dessert after dinner and my sweet tooth attacks -- ever since sis_r died, I've had such a sweet tooth for pastries and things like that. Sometimes it's almost uncontrollable.

I went off antidepressants a few months ago and it's still weird and affecting me strangely. Sparkly head and all. The big thing is that EVERYthing makes me want to cry -- I'm like, haven't lost weight? CRY CRY CRY. Foot hurts? SOB UNCONTROLLABLY FOR TWO HOURS. Can't figure out aspect ratio problems trying to make Thor/Avengers vid? WHERE ARE RAZOR BLADES I NEED RAZOR BLADES RIGHT NOW I CAN'T GET BLADES OUT OF SHAVING RAZOR OMG WHY IS SUICIDE SO HARD?

I'm not really kidding. This is how my mind is lately. I'm like socially awkward penguin on steroids. And it's a cycle -- the more I think like that, the more I cry over every fucking thing and every interaction with a human, the more awful I feel and the more I just wish I could wither and die.

Everyone says the exercise is great to make you feel less depressed. Hah. It just makes me more depressed, because I'm still fat, and my back is not all better, and now I have a wretched foot injury.

But anyway. I need to concentrate on Festivids and Yuletide. I've turned down two jobs so I can have some time to myself this season. I don't have anymore family members to die, so that should leave me with plenty of time. Silver linings, eh?

I hope there will be some Happy Endings vids in Festivids this year. I'm just counting hours till it comes back, now that Community is going to be taken from us again and who knows when that will really come back.

OK, letters later for my authors.
gwyn: (wes lose elz)
I've been joking with my dad that his anniversary is coming up -- last year he fell a couple days before Christmas, and I spent the holidays in the worst hospital in the world, trying desperately to finish a book that I was behind on. Well, ha fuckin' ha -- here I am again. I got a call from the nursing facility and they were freaking out because he was all swollen up again and not breathing well and they sent him to the hospital. I hate this place with every fiber of my being, they are hands-down the worst hospital I've ever dealt with (and I've dealt with a lot).

So what did they do with the 87-year-old guy who can't breathe and has depleted kidney numbers and looks like he's been in a fight with Dolph Lundgren? They sent him home. Which I will have to pay for. And the staff called me from his residence and were all, OMG he's getting worse, we have to send him to the hospital and you have to tell them to keep him because if he codes we're not able to give him measures and DNR and blah blah. No one called me from the hospital to tell me they were sending him home, or why. Fuckers.

So now I'm sitting in the ER room again, desperately working on both my Yuletide fic and this fucking book, and hoping Tilda doesn't poop in the house, because she's living with me again for a few weeks while her new family goes on a trip. I keep thinking things can't get worse, and then they do! The thing is, I always liked Christmas, I love the lights and the sparkle and songs and such. But if this keeps up, I'm going to hate it.
gwyn: (8ball wizzicons)
So, I made the mistake of trying to talk about the shitstorm, and got called a sociopath and a teabagger, and have had mass defriendings because god forbid, you try to put some things into historical context so people can have information that might aid in a discussion. No, it was all a personal attack on them, apparently. And now the discussion has morphed into something entirely different, and everyone wants to ascribe motivations to anyone saying anything, and I can't stand it anymore. What I really hate most is the name-calling and the assumption of motivations -- most of the people who are spreading the hate don't know anything about the people they're accusing of things, yet that doesn't stop them.

I really hate fandom right now. I've made a really tight filter, and I will probably cull my reading lists down a lot in the near future. I have a lot of work right now (probably not as much in the near future, but at least for now, there's more of it that I should focus on), and I want to write more.

About a month and a half ago, I stopped taking antidepressants and the desire to write again has finally returned, and I want to write RL stuff, not as much fanfic because, see above. I've thought about it for so long, but haven't done anything about it because the citalopram made it pretty much impossible for me to write (and read anything as long as a book). I want to work to get some of the weight I gained on it off. So there's a lot of stuff for me to do that isn't here. Everything makes me cry right now, and I'm back to having a lot of the overwhelming grief and PTSD around sis_r's death influence my feelings. I'm also back to my insomnia and restless leg syndrome, which makes it even harder to sleep, and not having sleep makes it... you know.

I'm not saying I'm not going to post, but I want to stay away from a lot of LJ and DW, and I still owe people some prompts from the class nightmare time -- but I can't see posting a lot. The one thing I can't figure out how to do is make the new filter appear as my default. I keep selecting it, but it always defaults back to the main viewing page. Right now, I'm just not capable of reading all that crap out there, so I'd like to filter it away, but I can't seem to make this work consistently. Anyone have knowledge they can help me out with?
gwyn: (king ianto hexgraphics)
One good thing that's coming out of the whole shitstorm about the fanfiction survey fiasco? I'm finding all these cool people posting stuff on different threads that I want to add to my reading list. You wouldn't think it'd have an upside, but hey. There it is.

Yesterday was kind of a weird day. I took Dad down to visit his cousin in Olympia, who's 88 and whose daughter, a few years older than me, recently took him out of an assisted care facility after finding him to be mistreated rather badly. He didn't really remember Dad at first, even though they were great good friends when I was a kid, and doesn't often remember his daughter, but he did have some good moments where he and Dad were able to reminisce a bit. It made me happy that Dad was happy, and my cousin said that when she told her father we were coming down, his face lit up, but it also made me abysmally sad about everything that's got away over the years, about failing parents and the loss of my sister and just everything in between. Dad's four years younger than George, and he's all kind of bent over and using a cane and I noticed that the last black hairs on his head are all gone now, and it's snow white and he's largely bald. It's scary and sad and I wish so badly that sis_r was here to help me with this (not that she would, she'd just bitch me out for being a whiner and a depressing freak, but you know, that's how we were with each other).

I'm trying to use my d-dub account more often, as I haven't used it at all really, but I'm just so intimidated about uploading my icons. Someone said there was batch uploading... but I can't find it (maybe because I'm using Safari?). And I'm really intimidated by some of the things like commands for seeing comments made in one journal or another... Are there resources for people who are too stupid to do anything on their own (something along the lines of "A is for apple")?


May. 4th, 2009 04:39 pm
gwyn: (car erections)
I'm not doing too well on this keeping up with two journals thing. Right now, I'm not subscribing to nearly as many new journals as I am giving access to my posts. Nothing personal, I'm just trying to figure out how I want to go about managing all this, given the fact that some people will be posting here only at some point in the future.

Too much to figure out for me while spring quarter is in session and my students flail at me.

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