I miss the time when life was so brand new to me

[gwyn]

This weekend, I attended the Pacific Northwest Writers Association annual conference, something I never expected to do because a) I don't really consider myself a true writer anymore and long ago abandoned any hope of ever really getting published again and b) can't afford it. But my friend, who has self-published one book and sort of hybrid published a new book coming out (both nonfiction), transferred her membership to me when she ended up having a big conflict with her schedule, so I figured why the heck not. I wondered if it would spark something from attending panels or whatever.

I didn't go the first day, because ironically, I had a book proofread due, but I went on Friday, which was really the first big day anyway, because a lot of Thursday was taken up by masterclasses and meal speeches. The first panel (waaaay too early for my night owl self) was a panel of editors about what they'd be looking for in the pitch blocks, where writers line up to pitch their books in little four-minute meet and greets. My friend had signed up for the one you get with the attendance fee, and an additional one, and I felt like it would be super rude of me to not attend at least one of the pitch blocks since she paid so much for them. The big editor panel, and the one after it, with all the agents, were the only things going on, so I went and listened to what they were looking for and made a mental note of who seemed likely to be interested. One of the editors was actually from the publisher I do the most work for, so I figured at the least, I'd talk to her just to say hi.

It was...very interesting, and weird. Because I haven't written anything non-fanfic in years and years, and like I said, I gave up on any hope that the promise I seemed to show when I was young would be resurrected in late life. Years of writing fanfic and responses have also really done a number on any sense of positivity I might have had about my abilities, and I've always kind of figured that if you can't get people interested in reading your stuff when you've got a built-in audience, what hope would you have if you tried to self-publish some literary fiction of ever finding an audience to buy your book (especially if you don't write genre, and the kinds of things people are reading right now which all seems to be stuff I can't stand). And regular traditional publishing would be out of the question. None of this just seemed to be worth trying for. It's always easier not to write than to write.

I managed to talk to a couple agents, both of whom said that what I was pitching (something I've never done in my life and which I found, as an introvert with no self-esteem, incredibly painful) sounded like their interests, but they said it sounded very much like something another person at their agency would like to hear about. The person from my publisher was actually really helpful about re-orienting my pitch for the next day's block, what she thought I should lead with, and it was really nice to meet her, she was adorable. I don't work with that side of the publisher, but she knew the people I do work with. Anyways, the one last agent I interested in, who had a long line, I just barely made it in to see, because the lines were so long in the early Saturday morning block (8 am is just an obscene time to try to be intelligent) that most of us only got to talk to two people, if we were lucky.

She'd said, in the panel, "if I cry, I buy." I thought that was hilarious because that's one of the few things I do hear with consistency, is that I can make people cry. I also liked that she was interested in specific things I am, and not interested in certain things I've come to dislike working on fiction so much for my job. And I just thought, well, what the hell, the story I'd pitched for the others didn't work, why not try the other idea I've flirted with for years that's based on a true story about my great-uncle. I've just finished reading two historical fiction books for work, and this one had an element of crime, which she said she liked. So I told her about it, and she said she didn't usually do historical, but she was intrigued, and said she'd like to see some pages.

So, shit. I don't have anything written--just a couple paragraphs I wrote in my writing group years and years ago when we did prompts practices. I don't even know how to write anymore, I don't think I can do this. I was talking about it in a chat yesterday, and hafital reminded me that it's just pages, and doesn't have to be linear. But this is an insane amount of pressure, because I never figured anyone would be interested, and I was totally fine with people passing on my other pitch. I'd never even intended to go. But it would be a shame to squander this...

Ugh. I've had this thing in my head for years, but it has no shape or form, and I don't know how to do it. I don't have any confidence at all these days--like, I know in my head that I'm better at writing than most people, but I don't have any feeling about my ability to pull this off. Especially outside of fandom. Also, I edit the hell out of things, and 25 pages is a lot to write and then craft and shape when you don't already have it to show. Years ago, an agent who'd read some of my fic asked me if I had anything she could look at, and instead of, you know, saying I could come up with something, I just said no, but she asked me to get in touch with her if I did--so I blew that chance and don't want to blow another one.

But yikes. I'm not ready for this. I don't even know if I can still write original stuff, it's just been too long. I went to some panels about historical fiction after that, but wished I could have attended the "plotting for pantsers" panel--it conflicted with the pitch block though. I realize the likelihood of her being interested in this is next to nil, so I'm worrying about nothing, really, but it's revived a lot of feelings and memories about my early writing life, which in turn brings up a lot of old emotions about people I've lost and things I've given up along the way.

Comments

[schneefink]

Breathe. That sounds stressful! Best of luck with your writing. And if it doesn't work out this time, there'll be more chances, and in the meantime working on the story can't hurt and you can see how far you get.

[gwyn]

I think that's a big part of the stress--there's a lot riding on it, because I'm not sure there will be other chances, at this point in my life. And I can't really sign up for an MFA program or something, which a lot of people use to break through these days. I know there's self publishing, but...

[princessofgeeks]

I know those feelings.

But at least it was encouraging to hear that your ideas were good!

I am cheering for you, whatever you do.

[gwyn]

My pitches weren't very good--I had nothing prepared, and I'd completely forgotten about the pitch blocks being part of it so I never even gave it thought before I went. So many people had little index cards prepared and everything! I imagine they must not want to just turn people away cold, so they recommend you contact someone else. I suppose before I do anything again, though, I have to write some damn stuff, except I keep staring at the page and not getting anything down. It's been over two weeks and I still haven't got a word! ::insert cry-laughing emoji here::

[dine]

it sounds like you got some promising responses - I know it's majorly stressful, but hope you can push past some of that, and at least take a stab at writing up your pitch. and if it doesn't happen/work out for whatever reason, please don't beat yourself up.

I've always admired your writing, and am sorry for the sorts of reactions you've received in fandom generally over the years.

[gwyn]

Eh, I don't know how promising they were--I think they mostly don't want to flat out discourage you, so they send you to someone else. It's the one that's the only really encouraging one but I'm so freaked out I can't write--I keep staring at blank pages and not getting anything done. It's almost three weeks now. This is pathetic. Three decades of feeling like you're nothing is really hard to overcome--these are the times where having a life partner would be good. Most of the time I'm content to be single, but right now, I'm really feeling the emptiness.

[mackiemesser]

Honestly, I think fandom has higher standards than published fiction (I mean, the part of fandom that does apply standards) based on a lot of published work I've read and thought "how did this make it out of the slush pile?" when reading.

So I'm pretty sure by publishing standards you are at the top.

Can you fool your brain into writing by telling it you've signed up for a fic challenge?

[gwyn]

Well, I suppose it's worth a try! Since nothing else is working and it's almost three weeks now and I have no words on paper.

[mackiemesser]

You can do it!

[batwrangler]

<3

[silk_knickers]

Congrats on putting yourself out there like that, though, whatever else comes of it. It sounds like a bit of work to put something together, but you can do it!

[gwyn]

Thank you--I'm really feeling like I can't, since it's been almost three weeks and I still haven't written anything in my paralysis. But yeah, at least I did something I'm too scared to do generally, so there's that. The thing about being isolated is that it's really easy to get lost in your own head and never step outside and look around.

[destina]

Gurl, I am here for you. If you want someone to cheerlead, throw confetti, tell you what's great about it...send an email my way. I have been having a lot of similar 'I can't do this' writerly feelings lately...I would like to help you stomp down yours! <3 . (It's just words. Throw them on a page.)

[gwyn]

I may need that--I am really struggling. It's been a long time and I still can't get past staring at blank pages and not accomplishing anything. (I also am freaking out about some of the details, since I don't really know how things operate these days and so I'm letting that add to my stress.)

I just didn't want to want this again. I'm too old to feel this way, this kind of thing is a lot easier to take when you're young and haven't had the crap beaten out of you emotionally.

[catwalksalone]

Tough love time.

Squash the voices and do it anyway. Worst case scenario she says thanks, but no thanks and you'll have started a story you really want to write. Not a terrible place to be. There isn't a How To Do This Properly, there's just a figuring out what works for you. Stick your fingers in your ears and la la la the negative voices away when they come and just start. It can be shit! But you need to write something to have written and you are so good and practised at getting words down that I'm sure you'll find your flow. You ARE good at this.

Now get on with it! ❤️✍🏻👍🏼❤️

[gwyn]

<3<3

I think a lot of the problem is that I don't feel like it can be shit--I feel like it has to be the best thing ever or it's pointless. Not to mention I see the kinds of stuff that gets bought every day in my work, and while most of it's drek, whatever they have that's saleable is a distinct thing and I've never felt like anything I could come up with had that thing. I have to start this, though, I have to stop staring at blank pages.

[peoriapeoriawhereart]

<3

[marycrawford]

Aw, I admire the way you laid our your inner Editor Voice that's undermining your confidence in such agonizing detail (it's a voice I know very well, mine is a beast with very long claws) but now you need to lock the door and shut her out.

Go into a private room where nobody else enters, especially not the Editor, and write. No pressure, no audience, no deadlines - just give yourself permission to write for 20 minutes, or write ten words, and see what happens.

I'm here rooting for you. {gwyn}

[gwyn]

Thank you.

Yeah, I know you're right. And I just can't seem to get it together to do that, but yeah. I really have to stop staring at the blank page and just do something, anything. I've been psyched out for way too long.

[what_alchemy]

This sounds so super exciting! I'm happy for you. I'm in the process of dragging a novel that's been in my head for ten years into the light, so definitely hit me up if you want to be accountability partners or swap tips or anything else. Yay!

[wickedwords]

Go you! You can totally do this. You have a ton of experience, and do a great job of making people cry. Give it a shot.

[gwyn]

Aw, thank you. I wish I felt like any experience I had was useful in this particular situation, I might not feel so at sea.

[gwyn]

You know, that might not be a bad idea, though I'm hesitant to add any more stressors to your life right now, all things considered. I keep staring at the blank page and do nothing, and it's been nearly three weeks. I just can't get past the "this has to be perfect and amazing and the most creative thing she's ever seen" which is a problem because this will be none of those things.

And yeah, there's some details about just the operational stuff that I might need to talk with someone about, because there's no way I can sign up for any programs, and I don't know how things work on that end anymore.

[minim_calibre]

::CHEERLEADS AGGRESSIVELY::

...it's revived a lot of feelings and memories about my early writing life, which in turn brings up a lot of old emotions about people I've lost and things I've given up along the way.

Those kinds of emotions (which, for me, got triggered HARD by walking through the 4H barns at the Puyallup Fair yesterday) are rough. You can always vent to me in text.

[gwyn]

Which may happen if I FINALLY get some DAMN WORDS down on a page, ffs. Beyond just ancestray questions. (Oh! I found Dian on the facebook, and wrote to her, and it's the right person and she responded today, so I might be able to get a few more questions answered, even though she put up most of that stuff you saw, I guess.)