somniloquence

My annual birthday fic is just an update, long overdue, for Reverie.

Reverie (47729 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 8/10
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Black Panther (2018), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Shuri
Characters: Steve Rogers, Shuri (Marvel), James "Bucky" Barnes, Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanov, T'Challa (Marvel), Ramonda (Marvel), Ayo (Marvel), Nakia (Black Panther), Okoye (Marvel)
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Virtual Reality, Dreamscapes, Dreamsharing, of sorts if you squint hard, Wakandan Technology, Wakanda (Marvel), Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Black Panther (2018), Friendship, Family
Summary:

“Exitus!” Steve shouted, slamming his hand against the door where the mandala should have been, and suddenly he was on the chair in his room, gasping. In this world.

Steve lowered the glass to his lap and looked up at Shuri. His heart was beating way too hard and fast. “You were right,” he said, sitting up. “He’s glitching. I don’t know if I can get him out.”

In which Steve and T'Challa hang out and Shuri keeps trying to find a way to rescue Bucky.

Is the fifth too late to do this? Probably.

My overall word count was up from last year, but still definitely lower than previous years since I was bitten again by the fannish bug. Most of my writing was for challenges or exchanges, and so things were longer, but there were fewer things--I'm finding it increasingly difficult to write just for kicks, without something I'm supposed to do. Just feeling discouraged about the lack of engagement.

February:
The Smart Set An AU of the Katharine Hepburn-Spencer Tracy movie Desk Set, written for the Stucky AU Big Bang, with Steve in the Hepburn role and Bucky in the Tracy one.

May:
Cellies I accidentally picked a Loki/Bucky drawing for the Captain America Reverse Big Bang, but it ended up being hella fun to write and the artist did an additional piece for it. I hadn't even known it was really a pairing (WinterFrost) before I did this!

July:
Changing of the Guard The only other thing I didn't write for some sort of fan event, this was just a fic for Steve's birthday, and was in the series of War Dogs stories I've been writing.

August:
A Selection of Very Confident International Men Written for my first go-round in the intoabar challenge, this puts David Rose from Schitt's Creek with Roque from The Losers. It was a lot of fun and I might do this challenge again.

September:
I Don't Like Your Fashion Business, Mister I wrote this for the Cap Septender challenge (soft stories for Cap fandom characters), but also ended up titling with lyrics from Leonard Cohen, so it also fit with a second collection of Cohen lyric titles that aren't his most famous song.

November:
I'd rewrite the book of love, and make it funny My annual birthday-posting of fic, this time a true love's kiss story of Frog!Steve.

December:
The Sun Was the First Star We Knew My Yuletide story, a fix-it where nobody dies in the movie Sunshine, and they make it home to the world they helped save, and Cillian Murphy and Chris Evans's characters find love.

( Thoughts part of the meme )

I forgot my sparkle text word count! All things considered, it's not terrible, especially since I didn't make a single vid this year.

87,389

This weekend, I attended the Pacific Northwest Writers Association annual conference, something I never expected to do because a) I don't really consider myself a true writer anymore and long ago abandoned any hope of ever really getting published again and b) can't afford it. But my friend, who has self-published one book and sort of hybrid published a new book coming out (both nonfiction), transferred her membership to me when she ended up having a big conflict with her schedule, so I figured why the heck not. I wondered if it would spark something from attending panels or whatever.

I didn't go the first day, because ironically, I had a book proofread due, but I went on Friday, which was really the first big day anyway, because a lot of Thursday was taken up by masterclasses and meal speeches. The first panel (waaaay too early for my night owl self) was a panel of editors about what they'd be looking for in the pitch blocks, where writers line up to pitch their books in little four-minute meet and greets. My friend had signed up for the one you get with the attendance fee, and an additional one, and I felt like it would be super rude of me to not attend at least one of the pitch blocks since she paid so much for them. The big editor panel, and the one after it, with all the agents, were the only things going on, so I went and listened to what they were looking for and made a mental note of who seemed likely to be interested. One of the editors was actually from the publisher I do the most work for, so I figured at the least, I'd talk to her just to say hi.

It was...very interesting, and weird. Because I haven't written anything non-fanfic in years and years, and like I said, I gave up on any hope that the promise I seemed to show when I was young would be resurrected in late life. Years of writing fanfic and responses have also really done a number on any sense of positivity I might have had about my abilities, and I've always kind of figured that if you can't get people interested in reading your stuff when you've got a built-in audience, what hope would you have if you tried to self-publish some literary fiction of ever finding an audience to buy your book (especially if you don't write genre, and the kinds of things people are reading right now which all seems to be stuff I can't stand). And regular traditional publishing would be out of the question. None of this just seemed to be worth trying for. It's always easier not to write than to write.

I managed to talk to a couple agents, both of whom said that what I was pitching (something I've never done in my life and which I found, as an introvert with no self-esteem, incredibly painful) sounded like their interests, but they said it sounded very much like something another person at their agency would like to hear about. The person from my publisher was actually really helpful about re-orienting my pitch for the next day's block, what she thought I should lead with, and it was really nice to meet her, she was adorable. I don't work with that side of the publisher, but she knew the people I do work with. Anyways, the one last agent I interested in, who had a long line, I just barely made it in to see, because the lines were so long in the early Saturday morning block (8 am is just an obscene time to try to be intelligent) that most of us only got to talk to two people, if we were lucky.

She'd said, in the panel, "if I cry, I buy." I thought that was hilarious because that's one of the few things I do hear with consistency, is that I can make people cry. I also liked that she was interested in specific things I am, and not interested in certain things I've come to dislike working on fiction so much for my job. And I just thought, well, what the hell, the story I'd pitched for the others didn't work, why not try the other idea I've flirted with for years that's based on a true story about my great-uncle. I've just finished reading two historical fiction books for work, and this one had an element of crime, which she said she liked. So I told her about it, and she said she didn't usually do historical, but she was intrigued, and said she'd like to see some pages.

So, shit. I don't have anything written--just a couple paragraphs I wrote in my writing group years and years ago when we did prompts practices. I don't even know how to write anymore, I don't think I can do this. I was talking about it in a chat yesterday, and hafital reminded me that it's just pages, and doesn't have to be linear. But this is an insane amount of pressure, because I never figured anyone would be interested, and I was totally fine with people passing on my other pitch. I'd never even intended to go. But it would be a shame to squander this...

Ugh. I've had this thing in my head for years, but it has no shape or form, and I don't know how to do it. I don't have any confidence at all these days--like, I know in my head that I'm better at writing than most people, but I don't have any feeling about my ability to pull this off. Especially outside of fandom. Also, I edit the hell out of things, and 25 pages is a lot to write and then craft and shape when you don't already have it to show. Years ago, an agent who'd read some of my fic asked me if I had anything she could look at, and instead of, you know, saying I could come up with something, I just said no, but she asked me to get in touch with her if I did--so I blew that chance and don't want to blow another one.

But yikes. I'm not ready for this. I don't even know if I can still write original stuff, it's just been too long. I went to some panels about historical fiction after that, but wished I could have attended the "plotting for pantsers" panel--it conflicted with the pitch block though. I realize the likelihood of her being interested in this is next to nil, so I'm worrying about nothing, really, but it's revived a lot of feelings and memories about my early writing life, which in turn brings up a lot of old emotions about people I've lost and things I've given up along the way.

I hit 40,000 words on my Stucky AU Big Bang story yesterday, which is why I missed posting new recs. I was so close to the end scene I could taste it, but my hands and wrists were just hurting so bad that I couldn't continue, and I'd taken as many longish breaks as I could. My house might be a sty and I might have work that I should have done before, but by god, I'm gonna finish this if it kills me. I feel like the artists are just waiting for me and it's terrible that this is taking so long. Hilariously, I'd estimated 20-30k in my signup, and I think I have at least 3-4 more to write to finish this off. Then the slightly less hard but still hard work begins in editing--I'm not a person who can write great drafts, anything decent comes in editing. For an AU of the movie Desk Set, this seems to be stretching things, but I've created all kinds of interior monologues and opened up the story with new scenes and stuff. I know almost no one will read this, but whatever. Baby's first AU.

On to recs!

Man, Band of Brothers has just taken off recently, with muccamuk and kore both writing in it and this year there was a holiday exchange, since it's topped out of Yuletide. But I am so far behind I haven't had a chance to read any of it. ::wails:: So this is a rec from a couple Yuletides ago, when it was still eligible.

You want some bourbon/I want some oranges (Band of Brothers, 18294 words, M) by jouissant
Summary: Dick could take a little tedium for the sake of the men, and he could take a hint of moral turpitude for Nix.

This is a lovely, slow build between Dick and Nix during the war.


Cover of Night by killabeez (Star Trek TOS, 12,533 words, M)
Summary: While waiting to learn what will come of the fal tor pan, Kirk relives memories of his destructive and secret relationship with Spock. How can he find redemption when Spock doesn't even remember him?

A couple years ago, I was talking with killa about stuff and she'd mentioned this story, and I realized it had been, like, decades since I'd read any Trek. This is such a lovely, melancholy K/S story about Kirk's fears of whether Spock will remember him, what he'll remember, and if their future will be different from their past.

I managed a treat for a fandom that has only three fics, and none of them over 800 words. Mine will be the only YT minimum fic at 1100+. Boom! I didn't think I could do it, and I won't claim it's a great fic or anything, but considering that this is a nearly nonexistent fandom, I'm okay with that. And I was still editing my main story today--it's been a struggle, and it's a long story, so just getting through edits has been difficult, there was always something to change.

I just hope that they will serve. I mean, beyond the usual polite response. Have to get up way earlier than I usually do tomorrow so I don't know how much time I'll have to look at my gift till later in the day. The process has kind of crippled me a bit, not helped by having the magazine to work on too, but I hope maybe after the holiday obligations I can lie on the couch for hours and read all the fic. And then get back to writing my Stucky AU Big Bang fic, which has been really hard to take a break from because I was so enjoying writing it.

I hope those who celebrate have a great Christmas, and the rest of us have a tolerable Winter Shopping Festival.

 I've been waiting for the magazine I work for, my longest-standing client since I went freelance full-time ten years ago, and didn't have anything on my plate this season like I have for many years (that client, whose publishing cycle was in Nov-Dec and then Apr-May-June, has disappeared, meh). Which was great because then I could devote most of my time to working on Yuletide and other stuff like the Stucky AU Big Bang fic, and then when it came in for proofing I could push it through super fast.

But of course they dicked around and dicked around until right when there's a super crunch of holiday stuff, Yuletide, and everything else, and then are like "can you finish it by Tuesday?" I want to kill them. AND THEN it turns out there were two stories in the issue that I did not copyedit. He could have sent them to me weeks ago, I've been free for over a month, but NO. He expected me to actually copyedit these disastrous messes in Acrobat in the laid out issue.

I love the magazine, it's music focused and there's nothing cooler than getting to work on all these stories about musicians and makers and stuff like sunburst Fenders and shit like that. But they are such flakes. It took me well over two months to get my payment for the last issue because he kept thinking he'd sent it out and discovered it on the floor or whatever. The artist takes fooooreeeever to design the issues. The advertisers are like "come on, guys." ISTG men. Men are just, as Rita Rudner once said, bears with furniture. They can't do anything. The publisher kind of wants me to become the managing editor, which I don't want to do, but I'm starting to think I might have to just so I can get them to function better.

So now I'm stressed to the max about editing my inadvertently long Yuletide fic and doing the issue. I guess there won't be Christmas Stucky this year, but I can't imagine there's anyone who cares about that so I suppose in the long run it mattered only to me.

I owe many comments and I will get to them ASAP. 

Also, also, thanks again, to all the people who've thrown a ko-fi my way. You are all amazing and I love you. Blues has been up and down, but mostly okay.

I've been busy adulting all over the place lately. After avoiding it for months, I finally called the insurance company to find out about getting the follow-up colonoscopy that's woefully overdue. It was just so awful last time, and my insurance is much worse than last year, so I was resigned to having to figure out how to pay for it. But they said that they have started paying for them as long as they're coded as being preventive, rather than diagnostic. Apparently that's a change from the last time I had this company for health care. (Of course, me being me, I'm completely convinced that there'll be a screwup and they'll code it wrong.)

So with that checked off, I called the office of the doctor--I can't say I was super fond of him (I still feel like you shouldn't smile when you tell someone they might have cancer) but of course I thought about it too late that I could have called one of the other doctors in the same office. Oh well. My big concern was actually if there was a possibility of another type of vile liquid to drink for the prep. I vomited so severely from the stuff before surgery that I think it made things worse, because it was like having done 1,500 situps beforehand. I never finished the jug. The surgeon said that it wasn't as big a deal for the surgery to finish as it is for the colonoscopy, so that filled me with dread.

They said that since I'd done pretty well in the first procedure last year, I could try this other stuff--it's two smallish bottles (about the size of a bottled iced tea or something) that I drink one at night and one in the morning, but I'll have to get up about five a.m. to drink the morning one. But it doesn't sound like it's as thick as cooking oil, which is what my problem was: everyone tells me about making it taste better, but I was like, the taste wasn't the issue, it's just like drinking bad stale Gatorade. It's the consistency that made me ralph, it's so viscous and thick and you're required to guzzle a more than two liter bottle within a few hours. Seriously, they keep trying to convince people that the prep isn't bad and that it's all easy peasy to get more people to do them, but the truth is, until they change this, they'll always have pushback from a lot of people. Some people are immune, but for people like me, it's almost intolerable.

They also require someone to come with you and stay there and drive you home, which just...angers me. This idea that all of us have someone who can do that for us is infuriating--they assume we all have family and it just reminds me that I don't, and that I have to wheedle friends into taking time away from their jobs. Not every clinic is this crazed about it, so I may have to look into something else next time, just because it's really demoralizing.

Anyways, that's what I'm doing the next couple days--it'll be so much fun. A clear liquid diet, no sleep, and living in the bathroom, yay. I just really hope that I come out of the sedation better this time than last, because the nurse was yelling at me for not turning over on my side when she asked me to, and that was not fun, then I got to find out about the cancer.

I've been thinking about that a lot too, lately. I've really struggled this year to do creative things, and some of that is just feeling extra special worthless lately (especially after the shit with my artist on the Cap RBB) but I think a lot of it too is that sometimes I find myself thinking about the cancer a lot. Many people have been "it's no big deal, my [insert person they know here] had it and now they're fine so big whoop." When cancer's been such a huge part of your life, and taken so many people who mattered to you, it's pretty emotional to find yourself going down that road, but there's just not really anyone to talk to about it for me at least.

Anyway. I'm considering signing up for the Stucky AU big bang as a way to force my hand into writing, though...I don't know. Writing feels like it has not just diminishing returns but no returns whatsoever, so it could be a colossal waste of time and energy. I have a couple days left to decide though. And soon it will be Yuletide decision time as well.

This year, my word count was down from previous years, although there was a nearly 20,000 word push there at the very end with Yuletide and a Christmas fic. A lot of it was that I was working on one thing almost all year: Celluloid Hero, which took a lot of my time, then there was the reverse big bang, and the other thing was, well, cancer. Stupid cancer. I can't say anything was what you could call successful if you're judging by stats, because most of it's pretty abysmal, but I'm still very happy with a lot of my writing, so whatever.

I won't list month by month, since some months I didn't have anything but a new chapter of Celluloid Hero, these are just the stories in one lump:

Celluloid Hero The Steve Rogers Goes to Golden Age Hollywood and makes the movies we see little snippets of in CA:TFA

To the Rescue Part of the War Dogs universe, about Bucky and Gretel the Howling Commandog rescuing a kidnapped Steve, written for Bucky's 100th birthday

Four Times Quinn Encountered the Winter Soldier, and One Time the Soldier Engaged A Captain America/Homeland crossover. I wrote this as a birthday present for a friend who is the only other person I know who loves Peter Quinn on Homeland, and fantasizes about him meeting up with Bucky

Save my life and I'll save yours My entry for the Captain America Reverse Big Bang, a kind of Civil War fix-it where characters get to act like intelligent individuals and not credulous morons

We Could Just Run Them Red Lights A little War Dogs universe fic for Steve's birthday, with Rita their sort of service dog

A Bullet in the Barrel of Your Best Guy's Gun A sequel to Man With a Plan, the "you're keeping the outfit" uniform porn I wrote a few years ago, for the Pod-Together challenge

This Is Not Some Kind of Meet-Cute My main Yuletide assignment, for the movie Gifted

The Light You Give A Christmas Carol style fic where Steve has only been back for a few months and just wants to be alone to hate the 21st century, and is that really too much to ask? (the answer is yes)

And the whirlwind A Yuletide treat for Logan, about my little murder cupcake Laura after the movie

( Thinky thoughts part of the meme )

my final word count wasn't in the same range as previous, but it's not too shabby:

So, this is an interesting thing I did not know about till I had cancer: Did you know that Washington state has a thing where once someone is diagnosed with cancer, they get put in a database and contacted to participate in a study about that cancer? I didn't either. Apparently it's only western Washington, too? Whatever, it surprised me all to hell when I got this letter from Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Centers (they're a big deal here and people come from all over to get treatment) saying they would contact me about possibly participating in the study. You can say no, of course.

There was a lot of nonsense with the person I spoke to, but I did end up doing the interview, and then they asked if I would be willing to do some tests, including the notorious spit in a vial and have DNA testing! I said, "I had a lot of trouble producing that much spit" and she laughed and said well, it's not as bad as that one. So it is sitting here awaiting my spit. At first the whole thing felt like a really strange invasion of privacy--getting this letter at all, and then finding out they have all your information. It's sort of amazing, too, that it's a law, like, how did they put that one through state legislature? I don't know how much my history will help them learn more about colon cancer, but if it does, then I guess that's okay.

**

Thanks so much for all the birthday wishes! I had a nice day, even though it was pouring rain and miserable outside. I went to killabeez's house, since she broke her leg(!), and we hung out and watched The Adjustment Bureau and went out for a lovely dinner. It's so funny--I was telling her and minim_calibre about the movie after I came home from the hospital, and they both were intrigued enough to go out and buy the movie (and here is my pitch again--if you're interested in seeing it, I have a copy up on my dropbox, scroll back a ways and you'll see my post from a few weeks ago with the link) sight unseen. Such is the power of Anthony Mackie. Ugh, his eyelashes and his sweater vests and cardigans and his cute hats. I love him so much in this thing.

Even after all she did for me during and after the hospital, killa still bought me a lovely gift--Shifty Powers's book. If you've seen Band of Brothers, you'd remember Shifty as their sharpshooter. I'm really looking forward to reading this, lots of World War 2 stuff, and I always like that.

**

I sort of thought finishing the WIP on my birthday would mean people would want to read it now. Ha. Or maybe they just don't like it. Still, I'm glad now I can move on to writing Bucky and Peggy and Sam reacting to Steve's movie stardom, though that'll have to wait until I finish Yuletide. Ugh, having a birthday at the end of November sucks in so many ways, not the least of which is that if I want to post fic on that day, I can never get my Yuletide stories started until late, and then I'm running around screaming about bears.

Min and I did a canon review the other day, and talked about ideas. I'm having a tough time with this one. The past few years I've had people who don't have much in the way of letters, or any letter at all, and not a lot of detail to work with, but with a little stalking we found some stuff so I can at least try to start.

**

I am trying not to think about politics, but I'm tied up in knots and sick and there's not really a lot I can do. We call our senators, but they're largely useless, being from a blue state and neither of them having any sort of sway. Because I've been busy with work, I haven't done enrollment in the health exchange, and now that my insurer is pulling out, that means I'll have to pay about $150 more per month, though my income doesn't go up that amount, and the deductible will go back to over $4,000 dollars. Since I have to go back next year for cancer screenings and another colonoscopy, I'm not sure what I'll do. I hate the idea of having to do some kind of campaign, but I probably will. As it is, I'm having trouble meeting these bills--I had to turn work away of course, around the operation, so I have a lot of things to figure out in 2018. I don't want to, but it'll have to be done.

Anyways, to not end on a complete downer, I was pretty meh about the Infinity War trailer, because it just looks like a lot of running about advancing behavior and no character work except I guess Wanda and Vision macking, which I care less than nothing about, but I was happy to see T'Challa as what looks like the leader, as he should be, and Steve is wearing something that looks like vambraces on his arms, and I AM HERE FOR THAT. Could they be for the energy shield?? Since it looks like Suri drives some sort of techie laser holographic car in the Black Panther trailer, maybe she made Steve an energy shield, and that would be super fun, though of course I will always want him to carry his original one, because it's the one Howard made him and Peggy shot.

I haven't really cried since they told me I had cancer; I've gotten a little leaky in the eyes but no real crying. Apparently all it takes to open the floodgates is to work really hard on a fic-podfic collaboration, even when I was trying to process the news and my original teammate went AWOL, and post it and get absolutely zero comments. Amazing. Just…nothing. I finally gave up checking email and went to bed when sineala was kind enough to leave one for it. It's a new record low, and apparently that was the stimulus it required to cry.

Just reminded me more than ever that I'm going through this alone. I appreciate the comments from my other post, I do, but the thing is, what I'm talking about is being alone in real space. Sitting at a computer typing into the void or texting or whatever are physically painful acts for me, so all the listening in the world doesn't change the fact that I don't have anyone here for me and I'm disinclined toward more physical pain just to whine on the aether. People lead busy lives, it's the end of summer when everyone has plans--and my plans just happen to revolve around something really unfortunate that has inconvenient timing. Almost everyone I know who's had cancer got through it with the help of a partner or family member.

In other news, the "advanced recovery" nutrition drinks are really as awful as everyone says; they're so grossly sweet on top of this weird musky-metallic taste, ugh. I have to drink three of them a day, and bring the log sheet with me to surgery, like a test. I bought the apple juice I'm supposed to drink day of surgery but apparently no one sells apple juice in less than enormous bottles, and picked up the antibiotics and laxative drink. I was so hoping it might be a different laxative drink than the one I had before, which made me vomitous, but it's the same thing. Someone told me you could put it in tequila mixer to make it more palatable, but it's not so much the taste the bothers me (it just tastes like bad gatorade) but the consistency. For the surgery they apparently want you to concentrate the drinking of it over two limited time frames, which makes it worse; it took me hours to get through it last time because I kept getting the heaves.

All this while I'm supposed to be laundering everything I own that will touch me after the special shower-soap showers. I'm not sure if it'd be better to just have the hospital hose you down in a Silkwood shower when you check in--for the gallbladder surgery, I'd spent six hours vomiting before going to the ER, where I had to wait in the lobby for over an hour lying on the floor because it was the only way I wasn't in searing pain. I figure that's about as unsanitary as it gets, and I seemed to be fine. I understand why they do this--my mom's death was probably caused by an infection, sepsis of some kind that she'd picked up in the hospital in chemo--but man does it feel like overkill.

I'm going to try to post the next chapter of the Hollywood Steve WIP tomorrow, but I've written down where I was hoping to take it, and the three followup stories I wanted to write, and sending to minim calibre in case something happens to me. I hate the thought of that not getting finished, and so hopefully either she can, or she can find someone else to, write the rest of it. If only I could find someone to finish the Buffy WIP I abandoned years ago after sis_r died. I figure things are in good hands with min, though. God knows she's listened to me blather about this, and helped me with it so much in beta.