gwyn: (steve rogers fullhouse)
I haven't really cried since they told me I had cancer; I've gotten a little leaky in the eyes but no real crying. Apparently all it takes to open the floodgates is to work really hard on a fic-podfic collaboration, even when I was trying to process the news and my original teammate went AWOL, and post it and get absolutely zero comments. Amazing. Just…nothing. I finally gave up checking email and went to bed when sineala was kind enough to leave one for it. It's a new record low, and apparently that was the stimulus it required to cry.

Just reminded me more than ever that I'm going through this alone. I appreciate the comments from my other post, I do, but the thing is, what I'm talking about is being alone in real space. Sitting at a computer typing into the void or texting or whatever are physically painful acts for me, so all the listening in the world doesn't change the fact that I don't have anyone here for me and I'm disinclined toward more physical pain just to whine on the aether. People lead busy lives, it's the end of summer when everyone has plans--and my plans just happen to revolve around something really unfortunate that has inconvenient timing. Almost everyone I know who's had cancer got through it with the help of a partner or family member.

In other news, the "advanced recovery" nutrition drinks are really as awful as everyone says; they're so grossly sweet on top of this weird musky-metallic taste, ugh. I have to drink three of them a day, and bring the log sheet with me to surgery, like a test. I bought the apple juice I'm supposed to drink day of surgery but apparently no one sells apple juice in less than enormous bottles, and picked up the antibiotics and laxative drink. I was so hoping it might be a different laxative drink than the one I had before, which made me vomitous, but it's the same thing. Someone told me you could put it in tequila mixer to make it more palatable, but it's not so much the taste the bothers me (it just tastes like bad gatorade) but the consistency. For the surgery they apparently want you to concentrate the drinking of it over two limited time frames, which makes it worse; it took me hours to get through it last time because I kept getting the heaves.

All this while I'm supposed to be laundering everything I own that will touch me after the special shower-soap showers. I'm not sure if it'd be better to just have the hospital hose you down in a Silkwood shower when you check in--for the gallbladder surgery, I'd spent six hours vomiting before going to the ER, where I had to wait in the lobby for over an hour lying on the floor because it was the only way I wasn't in searing pain. I figure that's about as unsanitary as it gets, and I seemed to be fine. I understand why they do this--my mom's death was probably caused by an infection, sepsis of some kind that she'd picked up in the hospital in chemo--but man does it feel like overkill.

I'm going to try to post the next chapter of the Hollywood Steve WIP tomorrow, but I've written down where I was hoping to take it, and the three followup stories I wanted to write, and sending to minim calibre in case something happens to me. I hate the thought of that not getting finished, and so hopefully either she can, or she can find someone else to, write the rest of it. If only I could find someone to finish the Buffy WIP I abandoned years ago after sis_r died. I figure things are in good hands with min, though. God knows she's listened to me blather about this, and helped me with it so much in beta.
gwyn: (flashpoint asshat)
You know, I'm well aware that I'm not the kind of fan writer that people go "oh, she posted a new story, I'm going to go read immediately." But having someone say they saved your story till they ran out of good fic is…just astoundingly tone-deaf, nasty, and demoralizing.

Thursday I'm having a dreaded medical procedure that I've been avoiding for years. Now that I'm officially an Old, my doctor's wanted me to have a colonoscopy, especially since my twin died of cancer, any kind of screening test is pretty important--and we don't know any other medical family history, since I'm adopted. I really, really hate bodily functions things. Like, I'm nearly phobic about talking about it, and I flap my hands and sing la-la-la really loudly whenever people talk about it. So I really, really do not want to do this, but since the fucking Republicans are determined to take away any health care I can have, and I earned so little the previous year that I qualified for a lower deductible, my doc and I decided to take ALL the tests this year. I just had a new MRI for my back (nothing useful, still nothing to be done that will really help), and now this, and there's some other things I'm hoping to do later on while I have the chance.

I have a bit more to write on the next chapter of Celluloid Hero and then should be able to send to beta and post, then I have to get started on the pod-together story, and meanwhile I'm desperately racing to finish this Star Wars vid for the Premieres show at Vividcon. Still have a little under half to go, it's taking forever and making me cry. Why can't I find a nice, horizontal hobby where I can lie down and not be in agonizing pain?
gwyn: (ordinary day _silent_rage_)
I keep falling down on my promise to post more. Everything happens so much.

The BPPV/head situation is continuing, long after most of the attacks have usually gone away. I'd been doing the exercises but they made only surface improvements this time: I can walk upright and drive pretty easily, but looking up or down, or turning my head at an angle in any kind of recline/looking up will make me wobbly for quite a while. It's made daily chores such…chores--the house was so gross so I finally had to vacuum and that was a study in Tilt-a-Whirl terror, and cleaning stuff like the sink or tub is a challenge I don't want to accept. I was in the store the other day and had to bend down to get something off a low shelf and then got treated to someone who thought I was drunk in public. I liked the idea a friend has: wearing a sign that says "not drunk, just wobbly." Anyway, much as I don't want to go in, I might have to get pro help this time.

I've been working away on my Cap Reverse Big Bang fic, it's up to 22,000 words now. No one said they're good words, but there's a lot of them. The artist is squeeful about Bucky's kitten rescue in it, so she might draw a second piece about that. Since the art is basically Steve and Bucky fucking, the sex scene was obligatory, and I don't know why but that made writing it about 10,000 times harder. I've made two editing passes--honestly, the first one wasn't even so much of an editing pass as a complete rewrite, almost nothing stayed untouched--and I hope I can make another, because it's such crap that it really needs more work. It's very plotty (I think the artist was unhappy at first because I was getting plot all over her "I just want a fluffy reunion sex scene") and I'm trying to make sense of Civil War as a canon-divergence AU, so it's very complicated and I keep finding plot holes and logic flaws that I have to correct--wait, no, if they do that, then they can't do this.

This is complicated by the fact that I have a book edit that came in late but they're not changing the deadline (yes, this is typical), and the fact that I'm my usual mentally ill self and am pre-emptively depressed about posting the fic. I'm kind of right in the middle of the posting schedule, and I'm seeing all these stories with hundreds of notes but a couple with only a few, and I know damn well that'll be mine, too, and it makes me feel…really bleh. There will probably be a lot of fic fatigue by then, and my SBB fic last year pretty much bombed, so it kind of feels like that, even with the well-run tumblr reblogging postings and giving the visibility we didn't have in the SBB. I try to get the brain weasels that eat me up about this off the hamster wheel that says "nobody cares" but they steadfastly refuse to move.

But I have to post, so I will. And just try to make it the best it can be, even if only my pals will read it. And I need to really get back to working on Celluloid Hero, which I had to put on hold, because I know there is a handful of people who are reading that one. Plus there's the Vividcon premieres vid. I've never vidded Star Wars before so this will be really interesting. I'm really looking forward to reading some of the CapRBB stories, though, once I finish with mine, though one of the ones I'm most looking forward to is coming at the end, [personal profile] sineala's 616 Bucky Barnes and Marvel Noir Tony Stark together. ::waves tentacle pom-poms in your general direction::

Anyway, that's what's new with me--weirdness and just being a dithering idiot and emotional basket case. How's by you?
gwyn: (steve rogers fullhouse)
One of the things I'm really enjoying about writing Celluloid Hero, my Steve Rogers Goes to Golden Age Hollywood and Makes Some Movies, is the research and figuring out which real people to bring in and which to make up. I always love research, anyway, especially in the film world and WWII because I have a fuckton of books and articles and whatnot to flip through, but it's particularly fun with this story because I get to bring back all those memories from my teenage years, when I was a raging film buff and think about the different types of actors and films I responded to most.

It's fun getting to slip little nods to this or that into it--I'm not sure if anyone but me is watching Feud: Bette and Joan on FX right now, but it's been a riot seeing all these little elements I've turned up in my own research for my silly little story also turning up in the series at the same time. Like, when I was talking about which actress would punch Steve's v-card with [personal profile] dorinda and she mentioned the rumor that Joan Crawford had done stag films, I was almost bouncing in my seat at the restaurant--I knew that was gonna have to go in, some way. And then this week that rumor became a major plot point in Feud and I was squealing with delight. In, I think it might have been the first or second ep they had Hedda Hopper referring to Louella Parsons as an incontinent cow, which delighted me no end because that's something that comes up in a future part of the story, something I found when trying to decide which gossip columnist would terrify Steve--I'd never known that about her despite having read what I'd thought at the time were some pretty detailed articles. If you ever wanted to know about the feud between Hopper and Parsons, there's a Vanity Fair article from quite a few years back in their archives that is magnificent.

Harder, though, has been writing like Louella Parsons wrote for the little tidbits in the story. Not only is there a distinctive style to reporting back in those days, but she had a…quirky voice, let's just say, to begin with, and her fame and power to ruin people's lives amped that up quite a few notches. Copying someone's style--especially one so idiosyncratic--is the hardest parts of these chapters, but it's also kinda fun.

And then there are the people whose histories have been so manipulated by their estates or by themselves that you don't have anything to really work with, so you have piece together enough of a picture to write a real person who seems believable yet true to their image. Cary Grant and Randolph Scott's long-term relationship is so whitewashed and edited, and their families and homophobic fans so adamant in their denial that they loved each other for decades, is heartbreaking and infuriating, but it also means you have to create things out of the ether because outside of first person memories that are few and far between and some photo shoots of the two of them together, there's next to nothing to work with. And Grant never gave interviews or did press; very little exists out in the world except a few small recordings of him talking on tape--it's almost all people who seem to have a vested interest in maintaining the fictions about him.

But I admit I kind of love this stuff, at the same time, figuring out all the different interpretations or making small nods to real-life people or bringing in places and people that can represent them. In one chapter I mentioned Gene Tierney being super good friends with Howard Stark--in real life, Howard Hughes (who Stark is modeled after) had tried to seduce her but she rejected him, though they stayed friends for the rest of their lives, so I figured why not have the same situation happen for her and Howard Stark? And it was really fun in this latest chapter to bring in Betty Carver from Agent Carter, the damsel in distress version of Peggy she hated so very much. I figured Betty had to come from somewhere, and why not the comics first before she was used in the radio show Peggy loathes.

I do tend to lose myself down a rabbit hole of reading, though, that right now I can't really afford: I need to work on my Cap Reverse Big Bang fic very badly, and I have less than two weeks to make my Club Vivid vid, which I haven't started on because I've had so much trouble conceptualizing it. Plus there's work, and a friend's birthday coming up I'd like to write a fic for that would be literally only us who know and like these characters together, which somehow makes it feel more important since that's a gift that only I could give to only them.

But it's just…kind of all I want to think about, the various ways poor fish out of water Steve would become so disillusioned with this insane place, and the people he would meet, while he makes those films we see in The First Avenger. I figured there had to be at least two, since the Red Skull says "I am a great fan of your films" plural. That would definitely require time there, or wherever he made them, and it offers such a great, sprawling cast of potential characters or people to use as a model for original characters. Plus you can add in all kinds of wartime hijinks and shenanigans or pathos or what have you--it's wide open.

And as much fun as I'm having, I'll be sad when the story ends. But I hope to write a couple of…I don't know, sequels or timestamps or whatever the kids are calling them these days, to show both Steve and Peggy once he sees her again and her reactions to everything, and Steve and Bucky once Bucky finds out about all the things Steve wrote to him about that he never got to see, and maybe even a modern-day story with Steve and Sam about his big Hollywood lifestyle Sam never knew anything about.
gwyn: (walken wonderland)
I didn't write nearly as many stories this year as I have in previous years, but that was made up for by the fact that most of them were long honking huge things of more than 30,000 words, and one was a WIP that I posted over a couple months, so. I'm definitely at a lower word count than I had been in 2015 (though apparently more than in 2014!), but counting the two things I wrote in December, it brought it up to a respectable number, considering that I've felt mostly like a worthless failure that no one wants to read. I wish I'd done more of the comment fic prompts people gave me back after Civil War, to get out of that malaise, but who knows, maybe that's something I'll go back to this year.

I'm not gonna go month by month since some months I didn't have anything, these are just the stories what I wrote:

How Do You Fondue? The little Valentine's Day fic
I Meant What I Said When I Said Until My Dying Day One of the interludes I was writing based around the Civil War trailers and my guesswork
Don't Wait Up for Me The WIP, where Bucky and Sam go to the place Bucky fell for some closure
All we've got (is what no one can break) The last of the interludes based on the trailers
Dedication A little tumblr fic I wrote for Memorial Day
Clean Skin A comment fic about Bucky in Bucharest (I feel like that should be the title of an adventure comedy, don't you?)
The Bucket Another comment fic for Civil War, about Three Caps in a Bug
Stealing Home The final story in the baseball series
Still Let Me Sleep My Stucky Big Bang entry, a dreamsharing epic
Sway With Me The coda to Still Let Me sleep
These Long and Better Days To Come A shrinkyclinks, nonlinear narrative fic I abandoned back last January 1st and finally finished in November
War Dogs A little Christmas fluff, Bucky and Steve and dogs

Thinky thoughts part of the meme )

my final word count wasn't too terrible, all things considered:

gwyn: (veronica takethat _jems_)
After sort of taking a break from Yuletide (I ended up writing a treat, and someone wrote a treat for me, even though I wasn't signed up) last year I think I'll sign up this year. I was surprised to see that two other people nominated the little commercial fandom I nominated--the Android Rock Paper Scissors ad I fell in love with. I love stories of unlikely friendships and people sticking up for one another and having each other's backs (like, oh rlly, you say, pointing to the ridiculous amount of fanworks about Steve and Bucky), and there's so much potential for stories around these little characters, I think. So I've added it to the pimping post, too, and I confess it's one I hope someone writes for me so I can write something else that I've sort of vaguely got an idea for.

I'm definitely more on the fence about Festivids. I couldn't even get signed up last year and in the end, I was okay with that since taking off the year for all the challenges was a good one. I have a vid I'd like to make for a usually eligible fandom, but I also can just…make it without that, if I can find the external footage I'd like to work with to supplement the canon.

Speaking of challenges: thanks for the sometimes hilarious responses to my post about the Stucky Big Bang. I'm still bitter and angry about the whole thing and the way the mods just basically fucked those of us who aren't BNFs over, and the complete lack of support for making all of our fics more visible. It's been incredibly soul crushing to put that much work in and have no support, but even more just galling to see how much praise is heaped on them over it--but the most amazing thing? They said they're going to do it again. Ah ha ha ha. I can only hope that most of the smart people know better now and will run like the wind once it's announced, or will already be participating in a Stucky Big Bang that is being run on LJ for next year (I was going to link to it, but I can't find it on this computer and LJ utterly sucks at searches). All the credulous people will probably be excited, though.

You know what makes having a story bomb and disappear even worse? Weird or creepy comments, especially when they're almost the only comments you get. Like, are you insulting me, or is this your idea of a compliment, I can't tell. Or did you simply feel you had to share your antipathy toward [thing] because you needed a place to air grievances and I seemed like someone who'd care (hint: I'm not). The downright awful ones you can delete, sometimes, but occasionally you're just flummoxed and left with only a WTF? I know not every comment deserves a response (I'm one of those people who believes in responding to comments, and it's not exactly like it's a hardship), but so often I'm just left feeling deflated and can only sit there going, "thanks for sharing" in a regretful, Leslie Knope sort of voice.

Time to try to pep talk myself into finishing a fic.

ETA: Oh, and I meant to say--I watched the first few episodes of Kristen Bell's new series The Good Place, and I thought it was cute and okay but I was totally blown away by the guy who plays her soulmate, Chidi Anagonye (William Jackson Harper). Like, I immediately was upset that nominations for Yuletide happened so early that I wouldn't be able to nominate it, since it hadn't premiered yet. But it was on the tagset! Someone did somehow manage to nominate it, and now there might actually be fic for Chidi and Tahani Al-Jamil (oh god, I love her) and all the rest of the characters. I am really happy with this. The show is charming and weird and that slightly askew quality that I really enjoy, but seriously, Harper as Chidi is just a thing of beauty and I'm completely in love.


Jun. 10th, 2016 10:37 pm
gwyn: (bucky confusedface)
I've been trying to fill the prompts people left me a few weeks ago in my DW. I've only managed to do two so far, but I hope I can do at least one this weekend if not two; sorry it's taken so long, it's just been work busy and other things busy and I'm trying to beat the VVC deadline as well.

I'll try to update this post as I get more. I never know what to do with these things, though--I think they're all going to be pretty short, so it seems like maybe consolidating them would be good, that last time I posted all the kissing commentfics separately and I don't know if that's just irritating, especially if you're subscribed to someone's page. So I haven't done anything except post the little memorial day ficlet to my AO3 page because that wasn't for a prompt.

I'm still open to prompts, too, if you're interested. Links so far:

Bucky rediscovering something he enjoys | on Tumblr (with some changes)
Did Sam and Bucky try to talk Steve out of the Beetle
gwyn: (beaten cap shield)
You know, I suppose the silver lining of not many people reading your fic is that when you find that line you wrote on the back of a receipt or a scrap of notebook paper in your pocket after you've posted, you can keep working on it.

Disorganization is my deuce power.
gwyn: (beaten cap shield)
Day 10
In your own space, post a rec for fannish and/or creative resources and spaces. Tell us where you go to dig up canon facts for your fandom, or where you get all the juicy details about your favorite ship. Where do you like to hang out and squee like a squeeing thing? Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

So, [personal profile] minim_calibre posted some great resources here and I'm just gonna say you should go look at hers. [personal profile] killabeez also has posted some great resources.

But me? I don't have a lot of things that I can rec people, because my research is often so idiosyncratic and centered around what I want to write that I can't imagine it being of use to anyone. For instance, I wanted to fill the prompt in the kissing meme for Steve/Bucky, baseball, which led me to look up casual baseball leagues in the '30s in NYC, and uniforms, and then that started me down a road toward which year the Dodgers might be playing a double-header on Steve's birthday, which led me to Bucky Walters, the famous pitcher back then, and television (finding out the first televised baseball game ever was the date when Bucky Walters pitched against the Dodgers in Brooklyn), which led me to an idea for baseball being played by soldiers in WWII so I started researching the where, when, and how of it. I can't imagine anyone else caring about that sort of research, so...

And I don't belong to any prompt communities or things that are designed to inspire writers, though sometimes I wish I could be. I tend to avoid those, because I know a lot of people who like sex kink and rape stories post there, and I really fucking hate seeing that stuff show up in front of my eyes because then I'm stuck with their summaries in my head for days and it's very upsetting. I loved the kissing fest that such heights put on last February, because the prompts were so interesting and fun. But I tend to stick with my little corner.

I will say that, much as I hate Tumblr as a tool because I think it's the most poorly designed website ever and it just keeps getting worse and worse to use, I've gotten a lot of fic ideas out of it. Meta and art and photography have sometimes been inspirational; and there's the squee factor, writ large. I know it was a huge portion of what made the summer of 2014 so spectacular for me, because at the time I was watching the movie every week in the theatre I was also seeing hundreds of gifsets and pics and meta and vids crossing my dashboard.

So my source seems to be…mostly myself. Seeking out what I'll respond to, delving into research for whatever new thing I'm working on. Talking about it often with friends helps, and I have a BFF who has a deep, deep knowledge of military stuff and WWII stuff that I can poke around in and talk about with. Inspiration can come from the strangest places sometimes--when I was working on Things We Lost in the War, I was copyediting a guidebook about living abroad in France. I was reading about the Masif Central and the hundreds of hot springs there, and I realized I had the fix for a segement of the story that had been bothering me for months. I just couldn't find a way to make it work to my satisfaction, even with all the WWII material I was sifting through, and then that little hot springs note made me remember some other stuff about the area I'd read in a book about the war, and just--pow! Fixed the whole section.

(And speaking of min, she also posted a list of reseources about mental health in WWII, and perusing that back in 2014 helped Dark Approach, because buried in some of that I found a treatment discussion for combat fatigue, which led to a whole other thing, and so on down the line, and helped me with the final chapter of the story.)

There's just always little fragments of information that I love to latch on to, whether it's from online resources or something that floats by in tumblr or something someone says to me.

ETA: Ooo! I did think of one resource that can be helpful for people writing historical fic: The American Heritage Dictionary of Idioms. There are a lot of extremely popular stories in Cap fandom that just kind of enrage me because they're so full of anachronistic phrasing that it ruins anything they write for me. You can often find out the date of origin for a word or phrase in a decent dictionary or even just a quick google search, but I've also come to love my AH idiom dictionary to double check on certain oddball English idiomatic phrases. They don't have a lot of sweary ones and some things are missing that I wish they'd address, but god, every time I see a historically set story where someone's saying "freaking out" or "gross" or something, I want to beat them over the head with this book. We have this tendency to take for granted that words always meant what they mean now, as if English isn't this constantly evolving language, and especially pop culture phrases, I wish writers would check more. Even if you can't check out an idiom dictionary from the library, there are people out there who can find out for you pretty quickly.
gwyn: (bucky end of the line)
Day 03

In your own space, post a rec for at least three fanworks that you have created. It can be your favorite fanworks that you've created, or fanworks you feel no one ever saw, or fanworks you say would define you as a creator. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

I think pretty much everything I've ever made public defines me as a creator, unless it was a collaboration that was very heavily someone else's work. There were definitely a few Media Cannibals vids that did not turn out how I saw them! But overall, if I've done it or been in charge of it, it would define me, even with the vids I've made for auctions and gifts/challenges.

So these are a very random assortment of things wot I made.

Mercy Street (12957 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Angel: the Series
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Spike & Dana, Angel & Spike
Characters: Spike (BtVS), Dana (AtS), Angel (BtVS), Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, Charles Gunn, Illyria (AtS), Harmony Kendall, Wesley Wyndham-Pryce
Additional Tags: Redemption, Vampire Slayer(s), Insanity, Atonement - Freeform, making amends, Training, Male-Female Friendship, Understanding, Episode: s05e11 Damage, Damaged

When Dana returns to LA looking for Spike, they make a strange truce and find a way to help each other with their damage.

I've always been really weirdly attached to this story, for a lot of reasons, but one of the things I especially loved was being inside Dana's head and trying to think of how she'd make sense of things, how someone like her would see that world. I was really proud of her interior voice, and also Spike's.

Shelter (179 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Natasha Romanov
Additional Tags: Video, Fanvids, Friendship, Shelter, Everything Hurts and I'm Dying

All I know is to keep you close.

Most of my vids are not streaming anymore and only available via download at my vids site, which no one seems to want to do these days, so I tried to pick something streaming. And honestly, I think you couldn't get a more accurate picture of me as a vidder--very basic editing, none of the flashy stuff or voiceovers kids seems to like these days, good timing, and a clear narrative. Epic feels. A song that either most people haven't heard or would never think to use that way. And nothing probably says more about my love of Steve Rogers and the people he loves and wants to protect than this vid.

Dark Approach (93073 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 6/6
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanov/Sam Wilson
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Natasha Romanov, Peggy Carter, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Pepper Potts, Clint Barton, Thor
Additional Tags: Memory Loss, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, World War II, Flashbacks, Soooo Many Flashbacks, Identity Issues, Find Bucky, Everybody Just Wants Steve To Be Happy, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Implied/Referenced Torture, Longing, Pining, Found Family, Artist Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Recovering
Series: Part 2 of Dark Approach

I have loved you across decades and centuries, over countries and continents and oceans.

Honestly, I couldn't decide what to pick for a third. Mostly I just loved writing this over the Summer of Cap Love, and I often wish more people loved it too, but I was happy with it (and the whole series).

The Gift of Forgetfulness (6049 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Pacific Rim (2013)
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Hercules Hansen/Stacker Pentecost, Chuck Hansen & Hercules Hansen
Characters: Hercules Hansen, Stacker Pentecost, Chuck Hansen, Tendo Choi, Mako Mori
Additional Tags: Grief/Mourning, Loss, Child Loss, Road Trips, Cage Fights, self-punishment, Drift Bond, The Drift (Pacific Rim), Eventual Happy Ending, Team Hot Dads, Drivesuit Scars
Series: Part 2 of All They Had Lost

He’ll not be anybody’s fucking tragic hero who lost his son and his best friend and still won the fight.

Since it said at least three, and I couldn't decide between Dark Approach and this, I'll put this here. I am still really, really happy with the writing I did for this Pacific Rim series, and I think this story is some of the best writing I've ever done, real-world or fannish. But it's a pairing with few fans, woe.
gwyn: (bucky steve mouths)
Man, I spent hours and hours on this post and then DW ate it. The whole fucking thing, just ate it. So much for the lie of autosave. I don't have the heart to put in all the links again. Also sorry, I cannot seem to get the cut tag to work now.

I did this last year before Yuletide reveals, so included those stories in the discussion.

Month by month:

Strangers to the Fire, a reimagining, canon-divergent Kings AU where Jack and David start out on friendly terms
The Only Soul I Have I Stole from You, a post-series Jack/David Kings fic

Icebreaker, the idyllic epilogue to Dark Approach

Man With a Plan, the "you're keeping the outfit" porn story

Opportunities in Freelance, written for Bucky's birthday, with maple syrup cartels and Canadian assassin squads

Things We Lost in the War, the epistolary fic where Bucky's not really ready for being around people, so he and Steve communicate via letters in a dead drop

That Only You Would Know, a Peggy and Bucky kissing fest prompt fill
Your 21st-Century Boy, the Fabulous Soldier kissing fest prompt fill
Batter Up, the baseball kissing fest prompt fill
A Bedtime Story, a Sam/Steve kissing fest prompt fill
Stripes and Solids, the Sam/Steve kissing fest pool table prompt fill

In the Stardust of a Song, the Winter Soldier during the movie having memories triggered by music fic

Doubleheader, the second of the baseball series fics, written for Steve's birthday
Dream of Caramel: or, A Recipe for Disaster, the Big Eden one where Bucky cooks for Steve and there's a Clint and Bucky brotp

Perfect Game, the third of the baseball series, about the first televised game and a pitcher named Bucky

This Guy, a SamHill story with Sam taking Maria flying, written for Sam's birthday

Tonight, I Dream in Technicolor, where Tiny Steve gets sucked into a Captain America movie serial and then the war in Italy

Home Plate, the fourth of the baseball series, where Steve tries to make Bucky feel better during the war

Holding On to You Holding On to Me, the interlude during the Civil War trailer
If the Fates Allow, where Steve gets drunk on Christmas Eve and has a snowball fight
Miss "No Way, It's All Good", a Yuletide treat for the movie What's Your Number?

What's the story that makes you happiest?

I’m never really happy with a story, to be honest, but I suppose if I had to pick one it’d be the Christmas fic If the Fates Allow. I had fun writing it, and getting to write drunk Steve is very enjoyable. And now that I have distance, Things We Lost in the War makes me happy.

My favorite stories this year:

In the Stardust of a Song
Tonight, I Dream in Technicolor
Opportunities in Freelance
Holding On to You Holding On to Me
Home Plate (I guess a lot of the ones I like most are the underdogs, you know?)

My 5 best stories this year:

I don’t know how to judge this, but I suppose

Things We Lost in the War
In the Stardust of a Song
Holding On to You Holding On to Me
That Only You Would Know

Most popular story:

Judging by hits/kudos/reblogs? Your 21st-Century Boy. Judging by the way people responded/intensity of feelings? Things We Lost in the War

Story most underappreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

It’s always hard to do this one, but honestly, I can never figure out why In the Stardust of a Song is the least-read Captain America Bucky/Steve story I’ve done. I mean, I expected something like a Bucky & Peggy friendship story (That Only You Would Know) or a SamHill (That Guy) story wouldn’t get much love, but I’m stumped about what makes Stardust such a failure--second person narrative? Terrible title? Terrible summary line? The fact that it takes place within the timeline of the movie? I have no idea.

Most fun story:

For writing, probably If the Fates Allow, because drunk Steve. Opportunities in Freelance, because maple syrup cartels are just plain ridic.

Sexiest story:

I suppose others might say Man With a Plan, because it’s just “you’re keeping the outfit” porn, but sexy for me is a really different thing than porn, so I personally would choose Holding On to You Holding On to Me.

Story with single sexiest moment:

I couldn’t talk about my Yuletide stories when I did this last year, so I’d actually say Strangers to the Fire here, when Jack and David make out at the piano (and the actual sex scene, but you know).

Story with single sweetest moment:

I think when Bucky shows up as Steve’s goddamn Christmas miracle in If the Fates Allow would be up there, but I also really liked Steve saying “You’re never who I thought you were. You’re always something more” in Dream of Caramel: or, a Recipe for Disaster, that was pretty sweet.

Hardest story to write:

Things We Lost in the War, because I’d started it in 2014 and had to put it aside half finished for work and Yuletide fic, and then couldn’t pick up the thread for it at all. It was agonizing, and I struggled and struggled to find it again, and then I couldn’t get a beta for it in time and so I had no idea if it was in fact the utter shit I thought it was when I posted. And some really well known epistolary fics came out while I was writing it, which discouraged me all to hell. I was just totally at sea about it, and wrote six other fics in the time I worked on it.

Easiest story to write:

Holding On to You Holding On to Me and If the Fates Allow both just kind of poured out of me.

Truest story of the year:

I have absolutely no idea what this means. I guess if I just try to look at it as true to the characters, I’d say In the Stardust of a Song, because I feel like I achieved a real picture of what the Winter Soldier could be going through during the movie, what he could be thinking and feeling and struggling with as the music triggers his memories.

Story that made you cry/saddest story:

There were lots of times writing both In the Stardust of a Song and Things We Lost in the War I made myself sniffly.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

I would say both my Kings fics from Yuletide last year. I started out not liking David much, and in the end, I loved him and Jack together.

Biggest disappointment:

When I posted Tonight, I Dream in Technicolor, AO3 was almost down, the RSS feeds were disabled, it was just a terrible time, but I was waiting for a book project I knew would be huge so I sort of had to post it or it would sit for months. And I really liked how it came out, but I was confronted with some people just shitting all over it, and me, and it seemed like no one was reading it, and the whole thing left me feeling really conflicted and crappy. When you’re raised to believe your only value as a human comes from successful achievement (especially in your writing) and you “earn” love, having a perfect storm of crapitude around the only thing you actually are producing and spent literally hundreds of hours on, is really, really tough to come back from.

I think, too, seeing the way people sort of run away from the baseball fics was disappointing. They’re not really about baseball per se, but it seems like nonsports people won’t touch them with a ten-foot pole. That was surprising.

Biggest surprise:

Things We Lost in the War. I had struggled so much with it, for such a long time, and since I had no idea if it was crap or not, I tried to minimize any attention to it by posting at night, and not using the AO3 posting interface for Tumblr so it wouldn’t have that green bar on it. Just everything I could do to put it in under the radar. But wow--it’s not like it’s a huge hit or anything, but the responses were so intense. I’ve never received comments like that, I am just not that person. One commenter wanted to use quotes from it for a tattoo! It actually got recced in a few places. I met a new friend on Tumblr because she wrote to me about it, and we hit it off, and she made two utterly amazing fanmix playlists based on it. The whole thing was so surprising.

I also was surprised this year by someone making a Chinese translation of Icebreaker, and received two wonderful podfics, one for Your 21st-Century Boy and one for Opportunities in Freelance from Reena Jenkins, and podfic of Stripes and Solids from Anapod.

Most telling story:

I’ve never known how to answer this before, but this year I do--Miss “No Way, It’s All Good” was one of the most personal stories I’ve ever written, because I have been Ally, thinking I didn’t deserve to be in a relationship with a hot guy, and wondering what I was missing about sex.

Favorite opening line:

So many of my fics start in media res, so the opening lines are kind of weird, but I liked the one for the final Pacific Rim fic:

Stacker wakes in a haze, the same way he always does now, a pearly grey-green mist of memory and pain that wraps around him like cotton-wool.

Favorite closing line:

Not really a closing line, but paragraph, because it doesn’t really make sense without the other parts (although, really, I suppose it wouldn’t make sense anyway without the stuff in the story where Bucky recites facts to ground himself). From In the Stardust of a Song:

These are not facts, but you know them just the same: you are made of exploding suns and collapsing stars. The heavens blaze and so do you. On the screen Steve Rogers looks at Bucky Barnes--at you--and his eyes are filled with galaxies, hurtling through the universe at 1.3 million miles per hour.

Favorite line from anywhere:

Honestly, this is too hard to choose, there have been so many I was really proud of. But I suppose this will do from Holding On to You:

This is what love looks like, he knows: it looks like Steve.

Favorite title:

Tonight, I Dream in Technicolor. I’d actually written it with a different title (And That’s the Absolutely True Story of How I Really Became Captain America), but when I wrote that part, paraphrasing a line from a movie that was one of the fic’s inspirations, I thought that would be a good title. I polled a bunch of people at a party and the way their faces all lit up at that, I knew it was the one.

Looking back, did you write more stories than you thought you would this year, fewer than you thought, or about what you predicted?

SO MUCH MORE. I thought I’d be done. And I totally didn’t expect to churn out two stories well over 30,000 words, and write four fics in a row this past month.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January 2015?

I wouldn’t have thought about Ally/Colin from What’s Your Number? or that I’d write Sam/Maria.

Story that could have been better?

I don’t know. I always think all of them could be.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Yeah. I wrote epistolary again in a much larger way, and a mirrored narrative story, and Christmas fic, and wrote commentfic for the first time ever in the kissing fest back in May. That was awesome. I don’t think I’m funny at all and so fics like Opportunities in Freelance and Dream of Caramel felt risky, but I was really rewarded when people (some of whom are famously funny!) told me they laughed. And I wrote character specific fic for birthdays, and deliberately set up series, which usually only was accidental before. And I’ve never written fic for a trailer before. I don’t know that I’ve learned anything other than that I really do like writing for prompts, which I didn’t know before!

This year's theme and the story that demonstrates it most:

Ummm... Bucky and Steve really love each other? I suppose Things We Lost in the War would be the demonstration case.

What story do you want to have written?

There’s a dreamsharing story I had running in my head that I found out someone was writing something very similar to, and I've struggled with doing it. I still think about it, but I don’t want to look like I’m ripping someone off, so it’s a constant dialog in my mind about what to do about it.

Story I want remembered:

In the Stardust of a Song. But I think what will be remembered is Things We Lost in the War.

What's next for 2016:

I’ve got to finish this weird Bucky gets recaptured/timeshifty narrative/shrinkyclinks thing I started months ago. More of the Interludes series. One last baseball fic (try to contain your enthusiasm!). That dreamsharing story I don’t know about. A WWII epic that might involve Easy Company. One where Sam helps Bucky try to get some closure on something and they end up in a misadventure. I doubt I can finish much of this before the movie comes along and wrecks everything, and closes all the open canon we were left with after Winter Soldier. I can’t write fast enough, and I doubt people will want to read stuff that isn’t from new canon once it’s out.

word count: 184230
gwyn: (bucky & steve alley purple)
So my birthday is in exactly one week, and I'm trying to resurrect my old tradition of posting fic on my birthday. Last year I actually posted a bit earlier than that, with the Groundhog Day-time loop Steve/Bucky story, because it was done and I was still working hard on my book for work. This year I'm again working hard on a book, which has turned out to be something of a nightmare and they had to both extend my hours and the deadline, thank god. But I'm also trying to fix up this story to post, which is taking a lot of time because I have to keep stealing little bits of work time away from actual paying work, and it feels so completely, soul-crushingly not worthwhile to be writing fic at all.

Plus it's another baseball series fic, so it's like "just what no one asked for!" But I couldn't help thinking about the ballgames that soldiers used to play in the war, and it seemed like a natural place to take the series.

I also started a Steve/Bucky vid but then got bogged down in trying to work on that plus the book, so I haven't made any more progress. I wish I knew how to get the look I want from it. I just don't know how to make it look visually like I want to see it in my head, and it's frustrating as hell. I don't like vids that are all showoffy with effects and stuff, most of the time, I'm there for the story and a lot of times I find that the story gets lost when people are spending all their time on effects. But this is one time where I really do wish I could understand and use those kinds of things.

I'm also trying to talk myself out of getting [ profile] dorkbait's series of Bucky drawings they made for inktober--they are stunning, absolutely stunning, and it tells a somewhat cryptic but fascinating story of Bucky thinking about his progress. They've made the art available through a kickstarter book project, but I'm a) broke and b) already waiting for a birthday present I bought myself to arrive, so I feel like I shouldn't. But I have a feeling I will probably cave, just because wow, this fandom is still so strong for me, it's the only thing I really care about, and gorgeous fanart should be supported.
gwyn: (kirk iconziconz)
This year, I'm not doing Yuletide, and it feels really weird. It's the first time in a long long time I haven't signed up or nominated anything.

Partly it's because I have a book due at the end of November, and I know from experience that I won't be able to start on anything, really, until after that, and the pressure I always feel is tremendous--the past few years, the books have been really problematic and took every bit of my attention, plus there's my birthday in there, and other things that sometimes take time away from work. They're guidebooks, so the amount of detail is incredible that I have to pay attention to, and this publisher uses a really time-intensive and strange author querying system. The past few books I've done, the author hasn't been the one updating; they've all been updated by other people and inevitably they're someone who barely knows how to string words together and they never, ever check their facts.

But I think it's also that last year I had the best Yuletide ever, it was just so perfect: I had the chance to write two stories (both for Kings, feeding my SebStan obsession), my main one and one for destina that allowed me to write the story of my heart, which was just a fantastic experience, and then on top of that, I got THREE freaking wonderful stories (my squee post here). All adjacent to my current obsession of Captain America: one Political Animals-Cap crossover, an exquisite Kings story that was kind of my Kings dream come true, and a hilarious Losers-Cap crossover. So I sort of feel like I won the lottery last year, and I might never have that experience again (Yuletide has very, very often been less wonderful on the receiving front than the giving front, but fortunately I was in it for the giving part).

And also, I have this ginormous fucking Cap story I'm trying to finish because I have to devote my energy to the book now, so I need to post it, and then another one in the works, and a bunch more besides (I keep hoping that I am done with this. That I have tapped out my reserves and I can finally be finished with writing fic for this fandom, because it is really a study in feeling worthless and invisible, but no, ideas keep coming, fuck them), and I'd love to post fic on my birthday again, something I used to do every year but that stopped after sis_r died.

I think I will try to pick up a pinch hit (though I've never been able to), or do a treat, once the book's finished, we'll see. And I'm waffling on Festivids--I nominated some fandoms, and I would love to do it, but…then I think, maybe I should take a break for a year, too. I had kind of the same thing last year with vids, where I got my dream assigniment and made a Jack Benjamin vid for destina, and also got two amazing vids as gifts.) I just don't know. We'll see. Challenges are challenging.

Ah, the book has arrived. I'm tired already.
gwyn: (bucky steve bar)
Is there anyone on my flist(s) who is very fluent in French? I have a couple phrases that I would like to know how to say in French, and one that the person I usually pester to give me French translations wasn't positive about word order on, so she suggested I double check it with someone who's really very fluent.

It's not too much stuff, just a few things, and they're kind of WWII-era French with some swearing involved--spoken by Dernier, so French-Candian French might not work here. I'd be eternally grateful. It's not like I can't wing it and just have him speak English, but you know, it's always funner when you can use the real language.
gwyn: (bucky steve mouths)
So, I got a lovely request to send a vid in for Connexions con, and after talking with the person who asked, we figured I should send one of my MCU vids. And I can't decide--if you were me, which vid would you send:

Shelter - this has the advantage of being a teamy Cap family vid with bonus slash hints, and there really aren't, sadly, a lot of team vids for CA: Winter Soldier.

Orange Crush - I'm kind of most inclined to send this, because I think it might play well in a con audience and it's never really showed at a con (I used it as an example to talk about pacing in a panel last year at VVC, but that's the only time it's been "live"), and it's kinda actiony, but it's not necessarily a slash vid per se.

Sorrow - this is definitely very slashy, but it's also sad, everyone says, and makes people's hearts hurt. Not that there's anything wrong with that in a con, but it is definitely a factor.

Anyway, I need to make a decision soon, so if you have an opinion (especially if you've ever been to Connexions), I'd love to hear it.

Over in her journal, Dorinda was talking about finishing the audio book to The Martian, which I just finished in ebook form last week. I was SO PROUD of myself--it was the second fiction book in a row I'd finished that wasn't work, wasn't a friend's, that I read just for pleasure, something I haven't done since 2007-8 or so. I lost my ability to focus on books that weren't work, and since most of the fiction I read for work is terrible, it's made it even harder to read anything that isn't fic or something I HAVE TO. And she says a lot of things about how I felt about The Martian, and the problems I had with it, and I commented with my opinion. Apparently I have very strong opinions about it! 

And weirdly coincidentally, I was talking with belmanoir about it last night, and about how I'd just watched Apollo 13 again and it pointed up one of the issues I had with The Martian and the XKCD cartoon about it. In the cartoon, he has one of his figures saying that The Martian was basically the book for people who thought the whole of Apollo 13 should have been about the scientists and engineers in mission control. And I laughed, because yeah, I suppose it is, but also that's one of its biggest flaws for me, that it's just a wall of sciencey stuff and Andy Weir is not a good enough writer to do anything resembling characterization--which, I mean, that's not necessarily what he wanted to do when writing the book, but you do have to try to bring people along on your story. It's a cracking good story idea, no doubt. 

But what I really wanted to say is that one of the things that makes all that engineer science stuff so fucking exhilirating and engaging is that it's done by great actors and a good director. Take, for instance, the scene where they think they've found a solution to how to power things back up, and they might be able to bring the Apollo 13 crew home. Ken Mattingly (played by Gary Sinise) and John Aaron (Loren Dean) are arguing about the amps they're using and throwing around all this jargon, and it's just such an intense and wonderful scene because they think they've found it, they think they have a solution, but Aaron points out, "You're telling me what you need, and I'm telling you what we have!" and they have to go back to the drawing board, feeling hopeless and miserable. They're exhausted and frayed. And we feel that, just like we've felt the fear all the engineers have had since the explosion, every step of the way, or we've felt Gene Kranz's determination and anger because Ed Harris is so amazing. 

So I'm really excited about the movie version of The Martian in a way I couldn't be about the book. Because what made that stuff so indelible in Apollo 13 that I don't think the XKCD guy got (since he's a science nerd) wasn't the recitation of facts and numbers, it was these actors bringing alive the facts, the director creating CHARACTERS we feel for and want to see succeed. I think a skilled writer could do that on the page, but Weir isn't that writer, and while the folks who loved all that were happy with the book, it's not what I read for. Seeing the trailer, though, and the little preview movie where Matt Damon as Mark Watney is making a little introductory movie, I can see that a skilled director working with amazing fucking actors is going to take that unfleshed-out part of the story and turn it into something as engaging as Apollo 13 was. I've watched those previews now quite a few times, while I was reading the book, and I'm super psyched about the movie. SO PSYCHED. And not just because Sebastian Stan plays Chris Beck! 

Ridley Scott's been disappointing or enraging me a lot lately (do not start me on Prometheus or his comments about white actors in Exodus), but this is the kind of movie that's so totally in his wheelhouse, and I'm hopeful that he's going to bring out all the good ideas about the book and the characters that I don't think were always successful on the page. (Also, the version I read was I guess the original self-published version, and jesus was that one of the worst, messiest things I've ever looked at. I don't know how much polish the publisher who picked it up gave it, but I hope it was a lot.) I liked Mark Watney and I liked many of the other characters, but they were never fully human for me, and I think Ridley will make them so much more so. When you've got actors like Matt Damon and Chiwetel Ejiofor and Jessica Chastain and Sean Bean (and my sweeties, Sebastian and Donald Glover), you're ahead of the game right there. 

Wow, apparently I really do have strong feelings about this. ;-)
gwyn: (beaten cap shield)
It is sooooo fucking hot and dry here, all month. This is the second year in a row we haven't had Juneuary--normally Seattle doesn't get summer till after Independence Day. Most of us don't have air conditioning here, and my house just doesn't cool down. I can't sleep. (Thanks, climate change.)

I try not to look at my AO3 dashboard very much, because it's just too fucking depressing to be confronted with that all the time. But when I was posting the last of the kissfics I noticed that in my list of fandoms at the top, which I don't think I've looked at in forever, Marvel Cinematic Universe and Captain America have overtaken Buffy and X-Files as my most-fanworked fandoms. I guess nothing makes a more emphatic statement about how much Captain America has taken over my life than that. (Thanks, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, for eating my brain and ruining my life.)

And I mean, I was never as prolific in other fandoms as many people I knew were (and most of my older vids aren't posted on AO3), but for me, that was a large output of fanworks, especially because I'd given up on my real life writing at some point before I found fandom (thanks, relationship with emotion-sucking partner). And then after sis_r died, even fan writing dried up for me, so outside of Yuletide, I didn't post anything fic-wise until an MCU Avengers little thing with Loki and Pepper hanging out together keeping vigil. I was never into the huge fandoms of the past fifteen years that most people I knew were. With the MCU/Avengers vids, that pushes the Marvel Cinematic Universe up ahead of Captain America, but I always feel like I should tag fic with MCU. Anyway, I still have story ideas, so I guess that number will keep climbing. More than 200,000 words so far, which kind of boggles my mind, considering how long it was in between the Loki & Pepper thing and the Pacific Rim stories, which is when I really got jump-started back into fanfic. (Thanks, Steve and Bucky and Sam and Natasha and Peggy and everyone else, for all those words.)

If only more than, like, ten people were actually interested in the writing. It's hard, sometimes, to feel motivated to keep putting them down. Easier to just leave them in my head.

gwyn: (bucky winter soldier)
When I'm miserable, I seem to meme. Seen pretty much everywhere: Pull seven lines from the seventh page of your WIP I don't generally tag other people but if you want to tag yourself to do it, please do!

One of the scientists once told you that you’re a robot--only a robot would have such an arm, such strength, such focus, so you agreed. It made sense at the time.

And yet, and yet. You bleed red when you’re wounded, just like your targets. You feel pain when they perform maintenance. You shave, wash, eat, clean your teeth. You remember the apple-flavored kisses of a boy with soft blond hair.

One of at this point four fucking WIPs I've got going. I hate everything. And yeah, second person, I suck, I know.
gwyn: (beaten cap shield)
On Saturday I had a tea party with some friends, where I get to break out the Red Wing Pepe midcentury dishware pattern I started collecting a few years ago and my cool midcentury modern stuff and make tea and eat stuff I shouldn't. It's the only time you'll likely be at a tea party where you also get to talk about blood and guts and gore and sexual shenanigans while eating scones and drinking orange blossom oolong. Seriously, we were talking about this fanart I love where Steve gets deserumed and Hydra carves their logo on his chest and he's given to the Winter Soldier and then we were all laughing hysterically because yeah, that's not your typical tea party conversation. I love fans.

Anyway, I was lamenting my worries about the Vividcon auction, like ya do when you know people are going to spend money on you and you worry about whether you can do what they want, and without my realizing it for a while [personal profile] minim_calibre started bidding on me, and [personal profile] killabeez was plotting as well. After everyone had left--such a lovely time! Thank you all again for coming!--I went across the alley to see my old next door neighbor, who was visiting my other neighbor, and chatted and caught up, and then I came back home and the auction had ended. There was an email from Killa saying VICTORY IS MINE! and I knew, from being in a bidding cabal with her before, that she'd had trouble in past auctions getting the vidders she wanted, so she was very happy to make me her vidding slave.

So now I am owned by Killa and we're talking songs and fandoms and I am so excite! You always worry that you might not be sympatico with whoever buys you, just like there's always that tension before you get your fandom assignment for Festivids. It's great to be able to do a vid for someone you love. I've been so lucky in my vidding gift/auction vid assignments--for three years running in Festivids I've been assigned someone I like, and in the first VVC auction I got bought by kadymae/devilc, so I cannot complain about this. This is gonna be FUN.

OTOH I'm tortured by what I want to make for premieres, and I have a book coming in in a couple days with a ridic deadline and I really want to finish this goddam Steve/Bucky fic that's been torturing me for MONTHS now and makes me want to spork my eyes out and claw my face off. It's not worth the effort, I know it's not, and yet here I struggle.

The one bad thing about Saturday was that I found out Vimeo has removed all of my vids without any warning. It says I have zero vids, and I can't seem to log in even after requesting my password and stuff. I knew they were banhammering new vids, but I didn't think they were just flat-out deleting older ones, and I'm kind of sick about it. I just don't have the time or inclination to put those up on my YouTube channel but people don't seem to want to DL vids just to view them these days. Ugh. I hate it. Especially because one of them was the Flashpoint vid that Hugh Dillon tweeted about a couple years ago, and now it's just gone. Fuck you, Vimeo. God, I hate YouTube but that's really the only option now.
gwyn: big eden (pike m'lyn)
Trying to write two stories, make a vid for Escapade, and thinking about other vids I want to make, and it all feels like too much. I got another one of those emails I get from time to time, where someone comments on how much they liked a story but they can't believe that it doesn't have more kudos/bookmarks, and that always depresses me something fierce. I know it's a lovely compliment that someone thinks your work deserves more, but it also starts to remind you, time after time, that you are in that situation.

It's a lot like when I was young and just starting out as a writer, and I'd send out stories that always came back with personal notes from the editors about the quality of the stories, along with the rejection that (usually) it wasn't what they were looking for. People in my writing group were always, wow, I never get personal notes from the editors! And I was like, yeah, you know, the first couple times it's cool, but then you realize that it's all still a rejection (after rejection, after rejection). The first time I ever got an acceptance, I almost threw it away, because I thought it was a note from the editor about the rejection.

I've been trying really hard to think about this wonderful post from [personal profile] sperrywink and just concentrate on my own efforts to put forth what I want to see in the world, or think about [personal profile] destina making dolphin noises (waves at destina), but I do really get torpedoed sometimes. A lot lately, because I feel like I'm writing and vidding into a void--fandom's always been about participation and communication for me, and once I lost my fic website a couple years ago, all my fic's been on AO3. Try as I might, I've never been able to develop conversations with people there the way I have been on LJ/DW/email, or on Tumblr (I mean, certainly if you have a lot of followers on Tumblr, you could, but that's not my world). I've met a lot of great people in those spaces in the past, and even recently, because I wrote them a comment on their fic or vid, or they wrote to me, but it doesn't seem like you get that on Tumblr or on AO3, and a lot of those friends have been lost to attrition lately. Although, really, yeah, it could very well be a referendum on the quality of the work, and that's definitely the place my depression-mind goes to.

I think too the isolation of not having a lot of friends left/friends who are into the same thing I am compounds that. There are so many stories floating around in my head right now, so many vids, and it's a struggle to get past the why bother. Especially when I can't seem to get them to come out right, like the vid for Escapade feels (ugh, I keep looking at the timeline and wondering if I can ever make a good vid again, let alone a good Steve/Bucky vid) or the stories ("you're keeping the outfit" porn should not be this difficult!) have been lately.

I should probably shut the comments off on this, because people will think I'm fishing for compliments and I am not fishing for compliments, seriously, but I don't know, maybe there's someone else out there in the depresso-ball pit too who'd like a safe space to talk about that, so I guess I will keep them open. Or maybe you have some cool tricks, like sperrywink, to remind yourself that it's the creating that matters and you are more than welcome to share them with me.
gwyn: (hot dads)
From [personal profile] musesfool: When you see this, share 3 random lines from 3 WIPs.

(I didn't think I had three WIPs, but it turns out I do!)

1. Bucky was circling him, predatory, eyes burning as he looked at Steve like he could eat him alive.

2. Tell me this pounding in my chest is what I feel for you and not fear.

3. Stacker leans back against the headrest, closes his eyes because he can’t really stand to watch this spectacle of mad driving and hostility, and says, “Nothing to remind you you’re alive again like a little old-fashioned road rage.”

Man, this reminds me that I really, really need to finish the third part of that Pacific Rim series.

October 2017

12 34567
8 9101112 1314
1516 1718192021


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Oct. 19th, 2017 04:22 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios