somniloquence

My Yuletide assignment is both pretty much what I expected and also not; there weren't many requests for this fandom (in fact, last year it wasn't even nominated for the first time in...many years) and I was hoping against hope for something else in which I've had a story burning a hole in my pocket for years. I did have an idea for something in my assigned fandom, but it will be challenging to make it fit for the recipient because their wants seem very specific, so we shall see what I can do. First, though, I want to finish a new chapter of Reverie, since it's been over a goddamn year since I updated it.

I'm really ashamed of that--part of the reason I've done WIPs on some things is that it was the only way I knew to make myself finish it, but it just seems events have conspired over and over to stall me out, not least of which was an armed right wing coup attempt when I was in the middle of working on a chapter, and of course Chadwick Boseman's death when I was writing another. I'm hoping that seeing Black Panther: Wakanda Forever might also help jump start things again, since Shuri is the other main character in my story (which in itself was also a problem, just because Letitia Wright is a problematic person and I have to try to separate my feelings about her vs. my love of Shuri).

Of course, as soon as I got started on trying to remember how to write, I got hit with a ton of work. Some of it was super fun, including three queer romances in a row that were just so much fun to read. But others were not so much fun: the magazine I work on contacted me a while ago at an email address I used when my computer died, and which I don't use much anymore because no one really sends to it now that I have a new computer and access to my regular account. I check it only once in a great while, and my client decided that since I hadn't responded withn like a week, he had to find another copyeditor for his next issue of the magazine, EVEN THOUGH he has my freaking phone number and has no problem with texting me when he's panicking and has done for the past 13 years, AND he did not even try to use my regular email that, again, I've used for over 13 years. Which is fine, whatever, it's just going to probably mean that when I proof the issue, I'll be tearing my hair out over stuff that needs changing because it wasn't done to the standards we've developed over the past umpteen years. The only stories that will be as clean as I want will be the small handful I worked on.

But the deadlines are always ridic, and now it's cutting in to my time for writing again. AND THEN he contacted me with no warning about a book that his publishing company is putting out that was "edited" by a couple of the legendary guys in this particular field, who of course might be the best at their work but they are not word people nor do they understand basic layout and publication design, and my publisher wanted it back in a week. Like, this thing is just walls of text in a terrible sans serif font written by people who don't know how to write. And my client is right, it badly needs proofreading, but it's giving me a headache and I keep looking at all the time slipping away from writing.

Lots of other life stuff is interfering, as well, but the less said about that, the better, because otherwise I'll cry all over my keyboard. I just wanna try to write this chapter, wrangle some kind of edit on it so it doesn't suck as badly as it will and mitigate some of the disaster that is my writing these days, and then start on Yuletide. Why is that so much to ask?

I got a gorgeous hand-drawn Steve and Bucky birthday card from aurumcalendula in the mail--not only does she make wonderful vids but she can draw too! I am in awe of people like that.

I've been buried in work, which always seems to arrive at exactly the same time. Like, I was working with a new-to-me author who is very popular and so of course the magazine that I work for decided it was proofreading time, and then as soon as I finished both of those projects, the publisher that hasn't had as much work for me the past few years suddenly ramped up with multiple offers. I picked the wrong one, of course, and ended up doing what was supposed to be a light copyedit but that is bleeding metaphorical red ink. I think it was the whitest, most suburban mom thing I have ever read.

All that was going on while I was hemorrhaging money with the dead computer, car troubles, then my phone went from needing to be charged constantly to barely staying on, and appliances dying and just...a lot of stuff. So I bought myself an early birthday present of a purple iPhone 12--the 13 didn't come in purple so, you know, priorities. They couldn't get my carrier to recognize me, and when they put in the SIM card from my old phone to the new one, the bars disappeared, so I had to go to the absolutely awful T-Mobile place, which has bought out Sprint, and pay $30 more for the privilege of migrating officially to them--and all the promised savings vanished and I'm now paying more. Grrrr. But it's nice not to have to constantly be near a charger and to be able to use my phone for work-related things now; once I get a recurring issue with my work email ever figured out, too, I'll finally be able to use my work address on a phone again. And it's pretty purple, my fave color. There are still a bunch of issues with my new computer, but I'm hoping now that work has slowed a bit, I can deal with that. I wish I knew what to do with my phone, though--it's in perfect condition physically.

I'm also hoping I can work on some fic now. I've let my WIP lapse, and I also have wanted to do my tradition of posting fic on my birthday, but I have only a few days to write it. (Hey, if you're into benign or harmless conspiracies or urban legends, let me know your favorites--I'm...afraid of looking things up on the internet because of what conspiracies mean now.)

Then it's on to Yuletide, which I am so stumped by because of the conflicting statements that I'm not sure what to do. I have never defaulted in all my years doing this...ugh, I don't want this to be the first year!

One of the biggest money drains was my cat's dental--he has the worst teeth of any cat I've ever had, and it's been put off for a long time because of the pandemic and our double whammy of the bridge into the area being down. So they had to redo his very expensive bloodwork, and then I was scared about the actual procedure because of just the general things going on--short staffing, we can't go in, reduced hours and services because so few vets and techs. He came through well, though he's been acting really weird, completely the opposite of what the instructions said he'd be like. Basically my kitty was stoned out of his gourd and continues to be four days later, he's restless and edgy but also purry and ravenously hungry. It's kind of hilar and kind of irritating and worrisome. But holy hell was it all expensive and the insurance doesn't pay for any of it, so next year, I think I will just skip the renewal on the insurance. I thought they did pay for dentals, but it's only for injury type things. I got the insurance because of his multiple trips to the emergency, but between the deductible and the things they don't pay for, it's not turning out to be the safety net I thought it would.

Anyway, I need to get focused on writing now that I have a pause in editing. Hopefully, I won't get a new book until after the holidays.

This year, I got a story for Better Off Ted, which is a show I've meant to watch for years but that minim_calibre finally convinced me to watch recently when we were socially distanced TV watching. I fell instantly in love with the science nerd characters Phil and Lem (Phlem!), who are kind of beyond adorable, and it was just in time to ask for it for Yuletide. (If you have Hulu and have never seen it, I highly recommend it, there are unfortunately only two seasons but like so many brilliant shows, was cancelled before its time.)

The Cake's the Thing (4018 words) by Anonymous
Chapters: 3/3
Fandom: Better Off Ted
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Phil Myman & Lem Hewitt
Characters: Phil Myman, Lem Hewitt, Dr. Bhamba (Better Off Ted), Linda Zwordling, Ted Crisp, Veronica Palmer
Summary:

“No, no, it’s me. You’re as stalwart and virile as the atomic clock, it’s just… this mess in here is throwing my whole morning out of sync.”

“What’s the matter?” Lem asks, trying to crane his neck around Phil to get a better view of the problem.

“Doctor Bhamba is using our freezer again, and there’s an entire crate of Otter Pops smack dab in the middle of the prime cake real estate I carved out last night.”

On the gifting side, I managed to eke out a treat yesterday just before closing. So far it's a typical soul-crushing emotional experience (there's small fandoms, and then there's small). But I need to shake it off and start writing a chapter update for Reverie, because I haven't had one due to the aforementioned holiday fic exchange, so I've not only blown it for reliably having biweekly updates, now I've blown it for having monthly ones.

It's been weeks and weeks, and I keep trying to post but never do. Partly it's pain from typing, and partly it's just ~everything. Bulleted lists are our friends!

* Two someones gifted me with an extension of my paid account here, and I am incredibly grateful. I didn't mean for anyone to think I was fishing for that in my last update post, but I definitely appreciate it so much. Considering how little I post, I'm sure I could have gotten away with a free one, but I don't have to think about that for a while. I wish you'd tell me who you are, though, so I could maybe give you a thank you gift of fic or something!

* While I was quarantining myself because I wasn't sure if I had the virus or not, minim_calibre brought me some groceries and other things, and it was kind of hilarious because the first time, she put things on my back porch and I opened my kitchen window a crack, and we had a conversation and I wanted to cry. I hadn't really seen anyone in weeks except my neighbor when we were taking our garbage cans in, and I just miss min hanging around or going to movies with or what have you, and when she left I felt like we should do the Kirk/Spock Wrath of Khan thing, and put our hands up to the window. I felt like sobbing, "I have been, and always shall be, your friend."

* I had x-rays of my wrist and they showed I did have a break from when I passed out back in February. They had me do a CT scan just like last time, to determine the scope, and found I didn't have a break, but there is apparently a bone fragment floating around, so I don't know what that is about... But they wanted me to see the orthopedic surgeon, because apparently the arthritis in my wrist and base of thumb is so bad that I might have to have surgery, which I was freaked out about so much. Because I live alone, and the idea of being in a cast for months with a pandemic on just. Ugh. It's not like even when elective surgeries return, the virus just goes away.

* I did a televisit with the orthopedist last Monday and he turned out to not be a bad dude, and he recommended we try some other things first before we discuss surgery. I mean, I can't afford it, and even if Medicare survives long enough, I'm not eligible for five more years, so I won't be able to do any more surgeries any time soon. So now I have this specific brace and am trying OTC anti-inflammatories, then if that doesn't help,  maybe a steroid shot (didn't help with my spine arthritis, did help with my foot injury years ago), and other stuff before we try the nuclear option.

* I've finally had some work come in. I was beginning to think both my main clients wouldn't be publishing anymore, and was panicking a little, but first the magazine came in and then I got a book proof this week. The magazine takes forever to pay, and the book publisher doesn't pay very well, but right now any work is welcome, after all that time where things were on hold because of printing places being shut down in China.

* My mental health is all over the board. There are days when I'm flat out suicidally depressed, and days when I'm better. I have the most hopeless feeling about what's going to happen after this, because right now people are acting like they're bored with this thing and hey, it's inconveniencing me so who cares about the 76,000 people who'd died in this country alone, and just ignoring the facts. I don't see the country making any better decisions about its future. Which is part of why I am so quiet--I just don't feel like there's any future, but I don't want to get my depression cooties all over everyone.

* I have been able to see the local gang over zoom, but it's not a great substitute for seeing people in person. I miss hanging out and seeing everyone's pets and eating food together, and mlyn stopped by for some lilacs and I wished so much I could hug her at least but couldn't. And I have never been a hugger! But now I just wish I could hug everyone.

* Part of it is being cut off now from everyone--the bridge in and out of here is closed for years, they don't know if it can be salvaged for a short term solution or what, but once people start going back to work, getting out of this little peninsula will be untenable. It's already difficult, and when I went for my CT scan, it took forever to go south and then back north again, then across the industrial district to the freeway, and of course, the bridge went up so I had to sit there baking in the car, worried about being late. I basically won't be able to easily see anyone without having at least an extra couple hours or more to spare so that I can get out of here, and the bus service is so awful that I won't be really able to, like, take a bus to anyone's house without multiple transfers and riding it late at night through sketchy neighborhoods for about a four-hour trip. It makes me feel all the more hopeless, and no one will want to buy a house over here so there goes any hope of getting Seattle area prices if I sell to get out, which means I won't be able to afford anyplace that isn't, like, redneckville out in the sticks.

* I would like to sign up for intoabar but I can't figure out who to sign up with! I loved last year's, but I just don't know what to do. I'm also trying to decide if I should do the Marvel Reverse Big Bang. I miss it being focused on Captain America, but it would be nice to have something to work on. Though I asked about whether I should try writing this thing I've been thinking of for a while and whether I should post it as a WIP or not, and people seemed to mistake it for asking if I should write something and no one addressed whether I should do it as a WIP. ::hands:: I'm sure it'd be very long, and I'd be more likely to try to finish if I knew people were reading it. But I also know people often hate WIPs and then they never read them, even if they're finished, because they forget once it's done.

Anyways, it's gonna be 84/29 here today and everyone is apparently mowing their lawns so listening to that with the windows open is making me twitchy, and I should get to work on my book and stop depressing everyone. I hope you are all faring better, and am grateful for your updates. How is your weekend?

This weekend, I attended the Pacific Northwest Writers Association annual conference, something I never expected to do because a) I don't really consider myself a true writer anymore and long ago abandoned any hope of ever really getting published again and b) can't afford it. But my friend, who has self-published one book and sort of hybrid published a new book coming out (both nonfiction), transferred her membership to me when she ended up having a big conflict with her schedule, so I figured why the heck not. I wondered if it would spark something from attending panels or whatever.

I didn't go the first day, because ironically, I had a book proofread due, but I went on Friday, which was really the first big day anyway, because a lot of Thursday was taken up by masterclasses and meal speeches. The first panel (waaaay too early for my night owl self) was a panel of editors about what they'd be looking for in the pitch blocks, where writers line up to pitch their books in little four-minute meet and greets. My friend had signed up for the one you get with the attendance fee, and an additional one, and I felt like it would be super rude of me to not attend at least one of the pitch blocks since she paid so much for them. The big editor panel, and the one after it, with all the agents, were the only things going on, so I went and listened to what they were looking for and made a mental note of who seemed likely to be interested. One of the editors was actually from the publisher I do the most work for, so I figured at the least, I'd talk to her just to say hi.

It was...very interesting, and weird. Because I haven't written anything non-fanfic in years and years, and like I said, I gave up on any hope that the promise I seemed to show when I was young would be resurrected in late life. Years of writing fanfic and responses have also really done a number on any sense of positivity I might have had about my abilities, and I've always kind of figured that if you can't get people interested in reading your stuff when you've got a built-in audience, what hope would you have if you tried to self-publish some literary fiction of ever finding an audience to buy your book (especially if you don't write genre, and the kinds of things people are reading right now which all seems to be stuff I can't stand). And regular traditional publishing would be out of the question. None of this just seemed to be worth trying for. It's always easier not to write than to write.

I managed to talk to a couple agents, both of whom said that what I was pitching (something I've never done in my life and which I found, as an introvert with no self-esteem, incredibly painful) sounded like their interests, but they said it sounded very much like something another person at their agency would like to hear about. The person from my publisher was actually really helpful about re-orienting my pitch for the next day's block, what she thought I should lead with, and it was really nice to meet her, she was adorable. I don't work with that side of the publisher, but she knew the people I do work with. Anyways, the one last agent I interested in, who had a long line, I just barely made it in to see, because the lines were so long in the early Saturday morning block (8 am is just an obscene time to try to be intelligent) that most of us only got to talk to two people, if we were lucky.

She'd said, in the panel, "if I cry, I buy." I thought that was hilarious because that's one of the few things I do hear with consistency, is that I can make people cry. I also liked that she was interested in specific things I am, and not interested in certain things I've come to dislike working on fiction so much for my job. And I just thought, well, what the hell, the story I'd pitched for the others didn't work, why not try the other idea I've flirted with for years that's based on a true story about my great-uncle. I've just finished reading two historical fiction books for work, and this one had an element of crime, which she said she liked. So I told her about it, and she said she didn't usually do historical, but she was intrigued, and said she'd like to see some pages.

So, shit. I don't have anything written--just a couple paragraphs I wrote in my writing group years and years ago when we did prompts practices. I don't even know how to write anymore, I don't think I can do this. I was talking about it in a chat yesterday, and hafital reminded me that it's just pages, and doesn't have to be linear. But this is an insane amount of pressure, because I never figured anyone would be interested, and I was totally fine with people passing on my other pitch. I'd never even intended to go. But it would be a shame to squander this...

Ugh. I've had this thing in my head for years, but it has no shape or form, and I don't know how to do it. I don't have any confidence at all these days--like, I know in my head that I'm better at writing than most people, but I don't have any feeling about my ability to pull this off. Especially outside of fandom. Also, I edit the hell out of things, and 25 pages is a lot to write and then craft and shape when you don't already have it to show. Years ago, an agent who'd read some of my fic asked me if I had anything she could look at, and instead of, you know, saying I could come up with something, I just said no, but she asked me to get in touch with her if I did--so I blew that chance and don't want to blow another one.

But yikes. I'm not ready for this. I don't even know if I can still write original stuff, it's just been too long. I went to some panels about historical fiction after that, but wished I could have attended the "plotting for pantsers" panel--it conflicted with the pitch block though. I realize the likelihood of her being interested in this is next to nil, so I'm worrying about nothing, really, but it's revived a lot of feelings and memories about my early writing life, which in turn brings up a lot of old emotions about people I've lost and things I've given up along the way.