gwyn: (beaten cap shield)
2017-10-17 11:13 am
Entry tags:

Fandom loves Puerto Rico

The [community profile] fandomlovespuertorico auction is live! SO MANY amazing offerings and creators, guys, it's like the world's best fandom farmers market.

My fanfic entry is here, and I'm pretty sure you will be able to purchase me for a very low price, with this many amazing people participating.

My vidding entry is here, and while my minimum bid is a little higher at $40 (because vids are a lot more work and involve more equipment), I'm also sure that will not get bid up much, so you can have me for a lot less than the VVC auctions usually go for!
gwyn: (willow pronoun)
2017-10-13 04:11 pm

Won't look down, won't open my eyes

Saw the surgeon yesterday, and she has approved me to lift things again, so Blues is now at my mercy whenever I want. Nonconsensual cuddling has already begun. I think he liked it the way it was because in order to cuddle him, I had to lure him onto the counter so he was at chest height; that meant he got a treat every time. He's the biggest treat whore in felinedom. (I should probably check out that Animal Planet show My Big Fat Pet Makeover…)

She thinks the incisions that refuse to heal will eventually get there. We talked a little about exactly what part of the colon she removed, and the future plans to monitor me. She said I'm basically the walking embodiment of why health care is so important, because the tumor was found on just a random, routine colonoscopy. The sad part is that next year I probably won't have anything at all.

I had one good piece of news in all the bills and statements that have begun arriving, which are terrifying (the hospital bill for the surgery and the room are well more than $100,000, I don't know what my co-insurance will be yet but it's not gonna be good). One of the first bills I received was from Myriad, the company that contracts to do the genetic testing in the gene program at my clinic. According to the insurance company statement, it was out of network and would cost at least $3,600, and I'd asked repeatedly, of both the Myriad and Dr. Smith's office people, whether insurance would pay for it because I wouldn't be able to. And they were vague and unhelpful and all insisted that if insurance wouldn't pay, they would call me and I would have the right to say no or yes. But no one called, and then Myriad sent a statement that the bill was for $8,000+ freaking dollars. I went into the hospital stressed and terrified about this. A few weeks ago they sent a letter to me, which I assumed was the bill, and I've been dreading having to call them and discuss all the obfuscation and misinformation and how I didn't think I could handle it.

But then I got this call, which I assumed was them nagging me to pay, except it was that the letter was actually them asking me permission to pursue this with insurance and signing to allow them that. So I called them back a couple times and finally connected with someone who told me that the insurance company had given them prior approval, which is why they were pursuing the claim. I told them I'd been really childish and avoiding opening the letter because I thought it was the bill, and that I'd signed it and sent it back the day before. Then he said, "Regardless of what happens, you won't have to pay for it." And it felt like a heraldic choir singing behind me and the sun shining through dark clouds. Because this is all scary enough without adding this test, which I never wanted to do anyway, into the mix solely because a bunch of people wouldn't tell the truth. (I keep hearing Will Smith going "Tell de truth! Tell de truth.")

I'm trying to get in the mental space for writing more on the next chapter of Celluloid Hero but it's still like pulling teeth. It's easier to work on the crummy book I'm reading and all the nonsense with that. But I did finally get to some of the backlog of writing related things, like answering an Ask over at my tumblr about how to write action scenes. I think it's funny that people tell me often how visceral and cinematic the action scenes in my fic are, because I find them excruciating to write (sex scenes, too, but someone once told me sex scenes are just action with genitalia, which is hilar). So I put my thinking cap on and tried to come up with a good answer for them; who knows if they'll find it helpful.

[personal profile] rachelmanija has info on a campaign to get the solo ability to declare war out of Assface Drumpf's tiny-fingered vulgarian hands over here, Pull the Football, Save the World.

Does anyone have experience using ko-fi? With all the financial terror that's coming up, I'm considering it, but since I'm not popular I can't imagine it having much use or impact…especially since we can't mention those things on our AO3 pages, which is where most people would access my stuff. If you've used it, do you think it's worthwhile for a person who doesn't have, like, a fan base? It seems most useful to visual artists, I guess...
gwyn: (sam wilson falcon)
2017-10-09 05:02 pm

Movie links

Of course, if I were a more functional person, I would have had these links up before Yuletide signups closed, so people could see The Adjustment Bureau and maybe add it to their requests or offers. As it is, I didn't get this done till too late, but I have two files on my Dropbox that I can share with anyone who might be interested in this movie, especially Anthony Mackie's charming performance as a sort-of angel who keeps tabs on Matt Damon and wears sweater vests and hats and trench coats.

I hope these work, because Dropbox is totally nonfunctional for me right now, probably because it's punishing me for having an old OS. I wish the file size of the movie was smaller, but I was running into serious quality issues the more I tried to compress, so it's kind of huge (1.63 gigs), but you can right click and DL it from my Dropbox at this link for the full Adjustment Bureau movie and if you'd like to see the deleted scenes, two of which feature Daniel Dae Kim in a role that was completely cut out and which I wish they'd kept in (it sure would have made the movie a little less white), you can grab that file here. (And please let me know if Dropbox doesn't work and I'll try to find a way to get the files up somewhere else.)

Even if it's too late for signups, who knows, maybe a pinch hit will come up, or there's always treats. :-D
gwyn: (yuletide lights)
2017-10-08 01:10 pm

Dear Yuletide Author 2017

I'm super happy you are writing for me!

I'm open to angst, romance, humor, 'ships (slash or het), gen, character studies, long plotty stuff (I love plotty stuff), fluff, or drama. I love first times and falling in love, friendships, relationships between people who are equals. Friends to lovers might be my ultimate trope, and found families is right up there too.

What I don't like: BDSM/anything particularly kink-oriented, non-con in any way, emotional abuse, animal harm, ABO and that sort of thing. I've battled grief and depression for a while and dealt with cancer this year, so something that might make me more depressed or fic about illnesses or death would not be enjoyable, but if that's the direction your story goes, I'm also not the kind of person who'd freak out about it.

What I love about my fandoms is the canon universe they inhabit, but what-if AUs (canon-divergence) can be really cool--I love it when someone comes up with a story off of one tiny element being changed! Under my Yuletide tag here, you can find some of my past DYA letters if you'd like to know more.

Some of the tropes and approaches I enjoy (most of which I stole from Dorinda): right now, I really love hopeful endings, words that camouflage deeper/unspoken meanings, protectiveness, worry, extreme competence (with honest weakness), hurt/comfort, found or chosen families, partners against the world, nurturing via food/drink/warmth. Don't be afraid of the classics: Having to Share a Bed, Huddling for Warmth, Pretend Couple, situations where one suffers or sacrifices for the other, rescues, stranded somewhere (idyllic or non-), etc. And if you can write time travel of some sort, I'll probably fall in love with you.

Gifted )

The Adjustment Bureau )

Political Animals )

ETA: I removed The Good Place from my requests. It seems like it's the juggernaut fandom this year, so I imagine there will be lots of good fic, and since I royally forked up and didn't nominate Mindy St. Claire, I wouldn't have a guarantee of the character I most want to see. Who knows, maybe I'll write some Mindy fic of my own...
gwyn: (steve rogers fullhouse)
2017-10-03 08:47 pm
Entry tags:

New chapter Celluloid Hero

Celluloid Hero (38770 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 8/?
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Golden Age Hollywood Actors
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Steve Rogers, Bette Davis, John Garfield, USO Tour Dancers (Marvel), Original Characters, Barbara Stanwyck, Gene Tierney, William Powell, Cary Grant, Randolph Scott, Jack Warner, Delmer Daves, Ida Lupino, Hedy Lamarr
Additional Tags: Golden Age Hollywood, Hollywood Canteen, World War II, The Star-Making Machinery, Propaganda, someone's going to get his V-card punched, and by someone I mean Steve, Letters, Minor Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, First Motion Picture Unit, Pining Steve, Period Typical Everything

The talk of the town last night was Captain America’s star-spangled appearance at the Hollywood Canteen, where the ladies swooned and the gentlemen cheered. Rumor has it he will be meeting with studio heads to discuss bringing his patriotic man with a plan to the silver screen.

In which Steve has some terrible, horrible, no good very bad days, gets snared by a gossip columnist, and encounters a German spy--or does he?
gwyn: (yuletide lights)
2017-10-01 01:27 pm
Entry tags:

Signing on

Usually when there've been fannish aid auctions, I've been too busy with crazy deadlines to consider putting my hat in the ring, and only been able to participate by bidding on people (never won). But even though I do have some work now, and am still recovering slowly, I felt like I could participate in a new auction that hans bekhart started for Puerto Rico, [community profile] fandomlovespuertorico. There are more fans offering all kinds of works every time I check it, so if you have something to offer to help raise money for aid to Puerto Rico, take a look and consider signing up, or if you are interested in bidding, check out the ever-growing list of participants. (It's definitely heavy on the Stucky fans, so if you have some other fandoms or 'ships that you can offer, that would be cool!) Signups close October 15, and bidding will run on October 21. My offer is here.

Also, it's that time of year to sign up for Yuletide. I'm a mess about what to do--last year, I wrote in a really popular fandom, but my story just got savaged in some places I was reading around in and had some bad juju elsewhere, the whole experience was kind of bad, and I still am on the fence about whether to de-anonymize my fic. It left a really awful taste in my mouth, just generally, so I feel like I want to be super, super cautious about what I offer, plus I just have no idea what to ask for. The Adjustment Bureau, which I posted about the other day, is microscopic and dead, but you know, I would love that most of all; I could ask for more popular fandoms like The Good Place, but I also kind of feel like those fandoms won't be hurting for requests or offers. Plus I just now feel like there are things I cannot do justice to, that whatever I do will be…lacking.

I'm waiting for beta feedback about the next chapter of Celluloid Hero, and it was really really hard to get that thing out--it's not that I don't have all the thoughts rolling around in my head, but getting words out has been really difficult since I got home from the hospital. I kept telling myself every day "I'm going to write," but then every day I just kept looking at tumblr or watching TV, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. My focus is limited, my mind's kind of all over the place…and now I have work, which is a very annoyingly badly written memoir, so that's adding to the malaise. But I want to sign up for Yuletide, and I have to find a way to make my brain work and make the words come out.

I feel like I've kind of hit a plateau--the incisions don't seem to be getting much better, despite trying to increase my intake of things like vitamin C, which is supposed to help wound healing, and make myself eat more good food. I did get out last week to a restaurant, which was the first time I'd been out since before surgery, and that felt like a big step. Yesterday I drove up to Shoreline and I was at a bash for four hours, plus the long drive, and that was most definitely a big deal. But I still feel like things just aren't getting better--objectively I know I'm better, but the incision that's a big seeping hole is still a big seeping hole, and the others just aren't closing completely, enough to take the damn steri-strips off, and my skin still hurts and I'm so exhausted after my walks. I don't need the cane when I start out, but even just four or five blocks and I lean on that thing so hard by the time I'm almost home. Sleep is just so difficult now that I'm off the dilaudid, nothing much seems to help. I know I am better, but it just feels, a month on, that I'm nowhere near normal, that that's hundreds of miles away.
gwyn: (veronica takethat _jems_)
2017-09-28 11:02 pm

Good Place and Adjustment Bureau

OMG The Good Place tonight! I just have to squee )

In other news, I nominated a movie this year for Yuletide that I think is going to be an empty choice. But back when I got home from the hospital, it was nominations time, and I was telling killabeez and minim calibre about how much I've always dreamed of having a The Adjustment Bureau fic where Sam Wilson finds out that he was Harry Mitchell, one of the quasi-angel-like beings in the movie (both roles played by Anthony Mackie). I'd been thinking about that desire a lot in the hospital for some reason, I'd written a post about it on Tumblr years ago, but neither min nor killa were familiar with the movie and min suggested that this is a perfect time to begin a campaign to get more people familiar with the movie, so that someday maybe someone will write that fic where Sam realizes he used to be one of the Adjustment team's caseworkers. They suggested that if I can drum up interest, it could happen.

Min actually bought the dvd, and we watched it the other night and she gave me the regular non-hd dvd which I'm planning to rip--I don't know if anyone would be interested, but I could put it up for download here if anyone wanted to see it. Anthony Mackie is adorable as Harry, and I think the movie satisfies both slashers with Mackie and Matt Damon's characters, and het or gen fans, with the romance between Damon and Emily Blunt's characters that's at the heart of the movie. It also has great performances from John Slattery and Terence Stamp, and I don't know why, but I just love it and I want more people to love it too.

I looked for fic on AO3 but wow, there's almost nothing--out of 15 stories, there are only about seven or eight that aren't either AUs of a different fandom or crossovers without the movie's characters I wanted. Only a couple feature Mackie's character, and only one is more than a few hundred words. I thought it would be great for me since it's a crossover with Political Animals, but it was really, really terribly written, so I don't even have fic to pimp someone with. I'll have to see about maybe vidding it, but that might not be for a while.

I don't have much luck trying to lure people into shows or movies. Once in a while I succeed, but not often, so I don't know that there'll be anyone else but me doing anything with the movie this year. But I'll keep trying, I guess. (Of course, I never thought to look on, but since I've never gone there to read anything, I'm kind of in the mode of why start now…)
gwyn: (bucky confusedface)
2017-09-18 10:40 pm
Entry tags:

Every day is exactly the same

Oh, I totally forgot to mention in my last post--you remember a while ago when someone had asked me about translating my Groundhog Day/time loop fic I can't remember how this started (but I can tell you exactly how it ends) into Russian, only they had to remove the comment in order to get help translating it through some kind of fest? And I thought it was so strange but it turned out to be some kind of fandom battle where teams compete against each other, so everything had to be anonymous? Well, the translation was posted the other day (or at least, I think it's still the same person involved, though the poster had a different user name, but I can't imagine who else would have been interested in translating it), so if you were ever inclined to read that fic in Russian, you can now! Не могу вспомнить, как это началось (но расскажу, как закончится) is here on AO3.

I also forgot to mention some of the TV I've been watching during recovery. There were some shows everyone told me required absolute attention, which is not often how I watch TV these days, so I kept saving them for when I'd have time to really watch.

The Expanse was the first one, and I can see why people like it (I've only seen the first season since it's free streaming on Amazon; I'm not gonna pay 20 bucks for the second season, though), but it suffered from the same thing that pretty much all SF and fantasy suffers from that I really, really hate: it's still largely a show about men, with one or two roles for "strong" women, who are stuck representing all of our gender. One woman on a spaceship with all guys, one woman in politics surrounded by all guys…I'm just so fucking weary. And the small supporting female roles are all defined by their relationships to men--the police captain or whatever she was, the other woman, both defined by their relationships to creepy skeevy Thomas Jane, Juliette Mao by defying her father, by the men she's dealt with in the past. Maybe the second season is better, I have to hope so. I like the worldbuilding, but this hundreds of years in the future and women are still barely in the story; I have no more patience for stories where we're writing alternate worlds that suffer from the exact same myopic shit we have now.

[personal profile] belmanoir watched GLOW with me, I think we saw the first three, maybe four, episodes? I liked it, but I have to agree with a lot of what I saw in complaints about the show--Ruth is a terribly unlikeable person to hang your show on from the beginning. Not being likeable isn't inherently bad, there are great shows with horrible characters at the center, but she doesn't have a strong enough character to make you want to follow her on the path to redemption the way a lot of those stories do--when you have an unlikeable protagonist, you really have to beef up a lot of the other things to make them compelling. The other problem we both had was that they're spending way, way too much time on the men and not enough on the secondary female characters. Especially the wrestling dynasty girl, I want to see way, way more of her, and I don't give a fuck about the men. It's a huge mistake to spend so much time on the skeevy director guy or Piz the producer, especially in a story about these women. The '80s stuff is hilarious, though, and I love the soundtrack and I'm interested to watch more, I just hate knowing that they're going to keep spending so much time on the guys.

I've seen the first few episodes of Sens8, and I'm baffled by why people love this so passionately. But I'm hoping it gets better as it goes along; as it is right now, the only character I care about is the Mexican actor and his boyfriend, but that's not a lot of screen time. I mean I get that people like it because it's one of the few shows with main storylines of gay and lesbian and trans people, and I can definitely understand that, plus there's the international stories instead of it being yet another subset of white America, but…nothing's sparking with me so far and some of the stories are so over the top ridiculously unbelievable and stupid that I'm gnashing my teeth--but I'll stick it out at least through the first season to see if it gets better.

I watched all of the first season of Bojack Horseman and…wow, was that fucking depressing. It's billed as a comedy, of course, but I never laughed once, not even at all the fun it pokes at Hollywoodd or the guest voices or anything. It's just so goddamn bleak. It took me a while to get past the bizarro concept (the style of the world, with animals being partly humanistic and partly animalistic, and vice versa, is something that creeps me out beyond words), but I really wanted to embrace the show because I know a lot of people who love it so much, but I didn't expect it to make me wish I'd never woken up after surgery. I sometimes feel like that's all that's left of the future, this sort of miserable existence where you're just wasting time till you die, and the show made me feel that x1,000. So thanks, show, for making my already suicidal tendencies even more pronounced.

I'm self soothing by watching the first three series of The Great British Bake Off, which they won't show here for inexplicable reasons (on PBS and Netflix, season 1 is actually season 5, and season 2 is season 4, which just…why). It was interesting to see how the show evolved. I was kind of disturbed by one contestant because she was so clearly an abused woman, she showed every behavior I ever saw working at the shelter years ago--either abused by a husband or possibly a parent farther back, but since there was no husband in any of the home segments or the finale and her children said some really telling things, I'm betting it was an ex-husband. Good on her for participating, though, but it made me really uncomfortable many times because I kept wondering if the producers realized how it was coming across on screen. Still, it's fun to go back and see some of the things I've heard about in the show but never saw, and the show honestly, even when you're tense for the people you want to win, is so pleasant.
gwyn: (middleman german film)
2017-09-17 09:52 pm
Entry tags:

I wanna get better

It's not like there are a lot of people waiting for updates, I realize, but I'm sorry it's been a while since I posted any news. I have bursts of energy and I still get drained really easily, or else I have weird pain that makes it hard to be in certain positions, or things like that. I've probably pushed a little too hard, too, on doing things just because I live alone and things must be done and there's just me to do them, but sometimes that leaves me completely sapped.

I've hit a depression valley, too. I don't know if it's similar to the post-surgery depression a lot of people get, and that I got after my gallbladder surgery, but that was also because I'd had a forced withdrawal from antidepressants at the time, I think I remember. This one feels a lot worse, and now the Republicans are trying to take health care away again, which is fueling my anxiety. I fucking told everyone they wouldn't let it lie, every time people were acting like it was a triumph last time I got really angry because I knew they wouldn't let go, and here we fucking are.

The other thing that's fueling it is that I'm having a hard time with this idea of being a cancer survivor--I mentioned to [personal profile] killabeez that I was watching something and a person described herself as being a two-time cancer survivor and it hit me that that was what I am now. My experience with cancer has largely been that no one survives, not for long anyway. I have a few friends who have, but by and large the people I know don't survive, and it's very strange to think of myself as someone who has had a cancer and now has to think ahead about staying a survivor. (And of course, this is the mother of all preexisting conditions now, so if that goes away, I'm basically fucked.) I find this trippy and depressing and frightening.

Most people I'd talked to (not the doctors, but most other people) made it sound like it was cut-and-done: you had the surgery and they took out the section with the tumor and that was it. But it's not that simple, as I found out in my two-week followup on Tuesday--I see her again in a month and then they'll want to do six-month tests for a while, as they want to make sure no tumor cells are floating around, waiting to attach to the colon again and grow. So there's the year follow-up colonoscopy, and the six-months blood work tests, and check-ups as well. I can get an oncologist, or I can follow up with the surgeon; I'm inclined to stay with her since I know her and I like her. the big problem will be insurance, as my insurance company is leaving the ACA exchange and the only other semi-decent one in the network wasn't working with my clinic last year, which is why I ended up with the insurance I had this year. They're all crooks, but I have to find the crook that will cover things with the clinic where my doctor and my surgeon practice, which seems impossible right now.

Otherwise I'm slowly recovering--today was rough, I'm having really sharp pains in my lower abdomen when I move a certain way, and I took off the steristrips on the smaller incisions which on one was a mistake, because now I have a huge gaping wound there that's way too big. The steristrip was really gross, though, because it was seeping, but I traded one problem for another.

I had a lot of trouble in the hospital with bleeding and stuff like that, I won't gross you out by telling you about some of the more alarming things, but one of the incisions bled a lot and kept staining my gowns, which I could not get them to acknowledge for a couple days. It left me with this incredible gross huge scab, but the surgeon just peeled the steristrip and the scab right off on Tuesday and wow let me tell you that hurt! So I thought, well, I can woman up and take the others off…ha ha ha. Bad move.

Anyhow, right now that's where I am--just trying to get better, trying not to let the post-apocalyptic atmosphere I came home to (with the city choking on smoke and the heat that's finally, finally broken today) depress me even more, and just trying to keep going in the face of everything.
gwyn: (pussypad kerry beary)
2017-09-05 06:01 pm
Entry tags:

Uncomfortably numb

Advice time: since I got home, I've developed some kind of numbness/pain in the right shoulder blade that radiates along my arm. You'd think it could pick one--numb or pain--but no, it's both, and it's really uncomfortable and making it hard to find a way to sit or sleep that's not too hard on my abdominal stitches or makes the shoulder worse. I can't twist, so I can't really get back there and poke at it, and I can barely reach behind me. I think it's like a pinched nerve or a pinched…well, can muscles get pinched? I don't know, whatever it is is definitely becoming problematic.

Can anyone think of a way I could try to work this out, or is it something I'll need actual help for? I thought about trying to find a way to put a yoga ball behind my shoulder blade and roll it around but I can't figure a way to do that in my current state, which is basically big baby ball of pain.
gwyn: (box o kittens rahirah)
2017-09-03 08:13 pm
Entry tags:

Home, where my music's playing

I am hooooome. Home sweet sweet home. I thought they would spring me yesterday but apparently the two doctors didn't agree on my condition so they kept me another night. Friday night was actually pretty bad with a lot of bloody drama (literally--my IV and shit tons of blood) but I had massive nausea and struggled to eat all day Saturday , and had a little temperature plus low blood pressure

But today I got out and of course I was so excited that I left the discharge instructions in the room so killabeez had to go back up to the hospital to get them since it was a holiday weekend and wouldn't be emailed till Tuesday. And it's four fuckthousand degrees out so that's definitely a pain.

I got some really good news though in spite of everything:they were able to get lab results and the cancer appears to have not spread into the wall of the colon or the lymph glands. Which means, hopefully, that it's just followup care and rechecks later, not further treatment or surgery. So that was awesome and makes getting through these first days easier.

Mr Blues has barely paid attention to me. All he cares about is that he can go outside again. Food is a bit of challenge but watermelon chunks are one thing that doesn't fill me with existential dread and magically killa had bought watermelon before bringing me home! So I'm all set up thanks to friends and Jo has been watering my plants and today brought a huge bouquet of sunflowers and dahlias over.
gwyn: (spinaltap infinitemonkeys)
2017-09-01 09:09 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

This is Gwyneth Actual reporting in from high atop the tenth floor of Swedish Hospital in Seattle. I am doing OK but still in a fair amount of pain. It's really hard to get up and down from the bed but after a really bad night last night things have improved a bit today. I can't believe how terrible it is to post from mobile on DW, geez. Between the gown falling off me all the time and the IV falling down and pulling it makes trying to type on this thing miserable. This is infuriating.

The surgeon says that the tumor was super small and that that everything went well. The results for what stage the cancer is won't be in till next week with the Labor Day holiday. Which is frustrating obviously because there're lots of questions about that and whether there's chemo or anything in my future.

The hardest thing at first was that I woke up in searing pain in my right eye--a cornea scratch that hurt far worse but that they couldn't be arsed to treat. I guess either they taped my eyelids over an eyelash or I scratched it or something who knows but it took forever for them to deal with it and the room was full of blinding light so that made it about 1,000 times worse. I guess they happen all the time, I was talking with a friend about what happened to her during her surgery, but I never had that before and I gotta say, it was pretty bad.

I've had lots of visitors, and mostly I'm just really tired all the time. This morning I had so much trouble keeping my eyes open and holding onto my phone. I basically had to wait all day to make this post because I'm just so out of it. They put me on a solid diet tonight, so I had some bacon which everyone thought was weird because it's very heavy, but I knew I wouldn't be likely to actually try to eat anything, so I better get something that I really enjoy the taste of. I think 2 1/2 pieces was actually pretty good!

I might get to go home by tomorrow afternoon or Sunday morning if I keep the solid food down and move to pain pills instead of an IV. That would be great.
gwyn: (Default)
2017-08-30 08:00 pm

Special guest poster update

Hi, [personal profile] gwyn's circle! This is [personal profile] minim_calibre posting for Gwyn to let you know that her surgery's over and we've been told that it went well!!! (Those exclamation points were in the original notification I got, for the record. I'm a big fan of them, personally.)

Here's to smooth healing. Preferably with more !!!s.

gwyn: (steve rogers shield)
2017-08-28 05:50 pm
Entry tags:

New chapter Celluloid Hero

Celluloid Hero (33916 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 7/?
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Golden Age Hollywood Actors
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Steve Rogers, Bette Davis, John Garfield, USO Tour Dancers (Marvel), Original Characters, Barbara Stanwyck, Gene Tierney, William Powell, Cary Grant, Randolph Scott, Jack Warner, Delmer Daves, Ida Lupino, Hedy Lamarr
Additional Tags: Golden Age Hollywood, Hollywood Canteen, World War II, The Star-Making Machinery, Propaganda, someone's going to get his V-card punched, and by someone I mean Steve, Letters, Minor Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, First Motion Picture Unit, Pining Steve, Period Typical Everything

The talk of the town last night was Captain America’s star-spangled appearance at the Hollywood Canteen, where the ladies swooned and the gentlemen cheered. Rumor has it he will be meeting with studio heads to discuss bringing his patriotic man with a plan to the silver screen.

Finally, a chapter update! Chapter 7, in which Steve has some script notes, and gets his v-card punched by the world's most beautiful woman.
gwyn: (steve rogers fullhouse)
2017-08-27 11:19 am
Entry tags:

Tears dry on their own

I haven't really cried since they told me I had cancer; I've gotten a little leaky in the eyes but no real crying. Apparently all it takes to open the floodgates is to work really hard on a fic-podfic collaboration, even when I was trying to process the news and my original teammate went AWOL, and post it and get absolutely zero comments. Amazing. Just…nothing. I finally gave up checking email and went to bed when sineala was kind enough to leave one for it. It's a new record low, and apparently that was the stimulus it required to cry.

Just reminded me more than ever that I'm going through this alone. I appreciate the comments from my other post, I do, but the thing is, what I'm talking about is being alone in real space. Sitting at a computer typing into the void or texting or whatever are physically painful acts for me, so all the listening in the world doesn't change the fact that I don't have anyone here for me and I'm disinclined toward more physical pain just to whine on the aether. People lead busy lives, it's the end of summer when everyone has plans--and my plans just happen to revolve around something really unfortunate that has inconvenient timing. Almost everyone I know who's had cancer got through it with the help of a partner or family member.

In other news, the "advanced recovery" nutrition drinks are really as awful as everyone says; they're so grossly sweet on top of this weird musky-metallic taste, ugh. I have to drink three of them a day, and bring the log sheet with me to surgery, like a test. I bought the apple juice I'm supposed to drink day of surgery but apparently no one sells apple juice in less than enormous bottles, and picked up the antibiotics and laxative drink. I was so hoping it might be a different laxative drink than the one I had before, which made me vomitous, but it's the same thing. Someone told me you could put it in tequila mixer to make it more palatable, but it's not so much the taste the bothers me (it just tastes like bad gatorade) but the consistency. For the surgery they apparently want you to concentrate the drinking of it over two limited time frames, which makes it worse; it took me hours to get through it last time because I kept getting the heaves.

All this while I'm supposed to be laundering everything I own that will touch me after the special shower-soap showers. I'm not sure if it'd be better to just have the hospital hose you down in a Silkwood shower when you check in--for the gallbladder surgery, I'd spent six hours vomiting before going to the ER, where I had to wait in the lobby for over an hour lying on the floor because it was the only way I wasn't in searing pain. I figure that's about as unsanitary as it gets, and I seemed to be fine. I understand why they do this--my mom's death was probably caused by an infection, sepsis of some kind that she'd picked up in the hospital in chemo--but man does it feel like overkill.

I'm going to try to post the next chapter of the Hollywood Steve WIP tomorrow, but I've written down where I was hoping to take it, and the three followup stories I wanted to write, and sending to minim calibre in case something happens to me. I hate the thought of that not getting finished, and so hopefully either she can, or she can find someone else to, write the rest of it. If only I could find someone to finish the Buffy WIP I abandoned years ago after sis_r died. I figure things are in good hands with min, though. God knows she's listened to me blather about this, and helped me with it so much in beta.
gwyn: (bucky steve mouths)
2017-08-25 10:50 am
Entry tags:

New fic for the Pod-Together Challenge

A Bullet in the Barrel of Your Best Guy’s Gun (6456 words) by gwyneth rhys, reena_jenkins
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes
Additional Tags: Uniform Kink, Costume Kink, But You're Keeping the Outfit Right?, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Anal Fisting, Rimming, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Steve Feels, Podfic, Pervertibles, Kitchen Supplies As Lube, Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Podfic Length: 45-60 Minutes, Community: pod_together, Pod_Together 2017
Series: Part 2 of Star-Spangled

“So that’s what this is about. Wanted to see if I remembered enough to be your little Pavlov’s dog if you wore the outfit.” He slipped his hands into the back of the trunks and gently tugged them down. “Well, pal, I am here to tell you: woof woof.”

My podficcing partner pinch-hitter [ profile] reena_jenkins had the idea to make a fanmix related work of Bucky's sexy playlist from the story, which you can also download and listen to--it was my original partner's and my headcanon that they unironically loved Barry White and other '70s R&B stylings, that it would mesh seamlessly with their love of music from their era like Billie Holiday. She added some great stuff from the '80s and '90s that I'd never even heard before. You can check it out and download here.
gwyn: (al cheers)
2017-08-24 10:38 pm
Entry tags:

All we're looking for is love and a little light

Tomorrow I have to start the first steps for getting ready for surgery--they make you drink this Ensure-type drink called ImmunoBoost or something, three cartons a day for five days before the procedure. I guess it's supposed to help your body recover faster or something. Then by end of weekend I have to start a small diet change, and then take antibiotics, before I have to do the insane ritual special soap shower, which I bought today, and take the vile liquid they make you drink to clean out your colon (it's like drinking gatorade-flavored cooking oil). I'm confused about why you take antibiotics when you're just going to shit them out, but whatever. I also have to get a very specific carbohydrate drink for the day of the procedure. Just the laundering everything/special shower stuff is going to drive me crazy alone. (Also, I can't find any of the Popsicle flavors I want/am allowed to have, anywhere, and you can't eat these modern fancy pops because they're not clear liquids, they have pieces of stuff in them.)

I'm feeling really depressed, and as I was telling minim calibre last night, I'm having this constant erratic beating or pounding of my heart, and it's freaking me out because sometimes I'm so stressed I feel like I'm having a heart attack, and I worry this could be very bad for the anesthesia. Some of this is worry about my situation, but it's compounded by trying to help people I know who are in bad straits. I feel really alone, and a lot of the people who were there at the beginning are noticeably absent now, I guess it's no longer glamorous two months on--not to mention many of the people who do want to see me or talk to me aren't doing it because I want to, but because it's about making themselves feel good, like if I die they'll have done their duty of being a pal or something and mostly I just would be fine with them going away.

The times when I'm loneliest and most scared are late at night, and there's no one to talk to at that hour. The past few days, my lower abdomen has felt kind of bad, and it's making me worry that maybe the tumor has gotten bigger, that all this waiting's made the situation a lot worse. That's not helping.

Plus I get either the victim blaming or concern trolling (my diet, my weight, my lifestyle, my whatever) or the helpful information version of victim blaming: it's dairy (because it's not like people across many cultures have eaten other types of dairy like sheep or goat or horse milk for centuries, or even cow dairy, and didn't get cancer), it's carbs (ignoring the fact that carbs are actually an important part of diet and for some of us high protein/fat is actually dangerous, and there's a reason they make you drink carbohydrate drinks before and after surgery, and also, millions of people eat carbs without getting cancer), it's refined sugar (which, I admit, I use too much of probably, but since sweet is one of the few things I enjoy taste-wise, and millions of people eat way, way more sugar than I do and don't get cancer, I'm not buying it), it's gluten (which many people enjoy without getting cancer, and if you don't actually have physical conditions or problems with gluten, it's not going to give you colon cancer anyway), it's blah blah whatever thing you are currently believing all the bad press about.

Everyone seems to think I have some kind of team behind me, despite telling them repeatedly that I don't--no oncologist, no therapist, no nothing. I learned really fast that people don't listen to most of what I say, because I have to keep repeating myself. I'm kind of dreading going to the hospital because my ex wants to take me and it makes sense--he lives basically about ten blocks away, but he drives me bug-shagging crazy because he never listens and I have to tell him the same damn shit over and over, and he gets really fluttery and panicky. He texted me last night with "where do I drop you [at the hospital]? Address??" and I was like, okay, I've told you three times that it's Swedish on Broadway and James and you could look up the damn address yourself, and also, just because I said you didn't have to stay does not mean I want to be dumped on the fucking doorstep. If you don't have time or want to come in to the hospital with me till they walk me through reg, then let me know because I want to find someone else." I well remember his selfish, childish hatred of hospitals when I needed him, when we were together and my mom was sick. It was one of many things that led to us splitting.

Anyways. Tomorrow is also the day my fic and the accompanying podfic for the [community profile] pod_together goes live. I started this thing before the diagnosis, and to say it's been a wild ride is putting it mildly. I absolutely did not want to write the story I ended up writing, but it seemed like my original teammate didn't like the idea I loved, so somehow I ended up writing 6k of metal hand fisting, I don't even know. I never wanted to write a sequel to Man With a Plan, but here we are. The good news is that, because it was such a rollercoaster experience, and lifestuff happened with me and my teammate, [ profile] reena_jenkins, who has created some wonderful podfics of my stuff before, came in as a pinch hitter a couple weeks ago and she did an amazing job. She suggested we turn Bucky's sexy playlist into a fanmix, so that'll go live with the story--she had some great song ideas to fill in the gaps of my '90s and early aughts knowledge, and it turned out pretty cool, I think.

She also, as a runup to our challenge pieces going live, recorded a podfic of Man With a Plan, the "you're keeping the outfit, right?" porn I wrote a few years ago. Which is so above and beyond the call of duty. If you ever wished you could hear a podfic of Man With a Plan, well, you can now, thanks to Reena's amazing powers!
gwyn: (ordinary day _silent_rage_)
2017-08-21 11:55 am

Mama always told me not to look into the eyes of the sun

Perfect morning: Iced tea, bowl of cereal, cat, back deck lounge chair, nearly total eclipse of the sun. We had 92% totality in Seattle, and I could just sit on my lounger and watch. It was amazing. I guess a lot of people in my area got fog, but it was clear as a bell at my house.

I'd been so focused on the cancer stuff that I missed the opportunity to get glasses--the last time we had an eclipse visible here, there was no such thing as fancy glasses, and when they started posting about places you could get them it was too late to do mail order (also they were fakes) for me, and people on our local blog were driving around and calling, desperately trying to track more down. I wasted a lot of time, and mentioned it on the thread--that I'd been so busy with my health I hadn't thought about the eclipse at all and was bummed I couldn't get the glasses (I've done pinhole viewers, but…they're not as cool).

A really nice guy told me he had some spares, and his wife, who works at the Y where I'm a member, brought them with her and I picked them up last week. I'm so grateful to them, so grateful. It was amazing to be able to watch through the glasses. I stayed till every last piece of the moon was gone. Even with sunscreen I'm sure I'll be burned. It was totally worth it.

I've seen two other solar eclipses, but was too young for the first one to really appreciate it, and like I said, the pinhole boxes don't have the same view. I feel like if I croak in surgery next week or afterwards, I'm good. Got to see a big one, and it was wonderful.

I can see why ancient people were spooked by these: the shadows got really long, the sky was dimmer while at the same time the sun was pouring down, the temperature dropped by a few degrees. Blues was definitely confused--he could tell something was going on, and he ended up under the bed for a while. It was eerily silent, too, at totality. This is garbage day in my area, there is always construction going on around here in summer, there are usually people walking dogs and cars driving by. At peak time, it was utterly silent: no noisy, smelly trucks, no people walking, no construction noise. Everyone was watching the eclipse.
gwyn: (beaten cap shield)
2017-08-11 01:32 pm
Entry tags:

Was not expecting that

Man, I think I have to throw in the towel on trying to figure out what people will respond to. I thought for sure, what with Star Wars being a much, much bigger fandom in general than Captain America, that Battleflag would be the Vividcon entry that would do well out there in the world. But it's just sort of sunk into a void, and Chase You Down, which I thought was a weaker vid, is getting more hits and definitely has more notes on Tumblr and comments here. I was actually really happy with how Battleflag turned out, despite the difficulties, and I thought people would like it…

It's cool that people enjoyed Chase You Down, because I didn't think they would (I mean, admittedly I would have loved it if so many people hadn't qualified it with telling me how much they hate Bucky generally), but I just honestly thought Battleflag would be the one people would respond to.

Anyways. Today I went to see the doctor who runs the genetic testing office at my clinic, he's also a breast cancer specialist and surgeon. They were giving me the results from the spit-in-a-tube thing I mentioned a few weeks ago, to see if I had the genetic mutations for ovarian cancer (for those new here, my twin sister died at 45 of ovarian cancer complications, and so there was a concern that they should take out my ovaries during my colon cancer surgery at the end of the month). I've been…pretty much planning since sis_r died for it, that that was what I was gonna die from, or melanoma. So I was really surprised when they told me I don't have the markers, and my risk was not elevated.

There's a whole bunch of other stuff that I won't bore you with--other higher risk factors because of my sister and just my general body--but they asked me what I wanted to do during the surgery, if I'd prefer to keep the tubes and ovaries or meet with an obgyn surgeon and plan to remove them, and I didn't know how to answer. I was just gobsmacked: I've planned for this news for so long that I had no idea how I was supposed to decide. There's not a lot of time to meet with another surgeon, and I don't know if insurance will pay for this considering I don't have the gene markers, so I decided to just focus on the colon surgery and whatever happens after that.

I mean, to be honest, I'd love to take them out, but that's an expense I could absolutely not afford and considering what kind of bills I'm already getting for co-insurances and whatnot, I don't feel really positive about them paying for it, nor do I have the time and spoons to navigate the insurance maze. So I'm just staying the course, I guess. He outlined a bunch of breast health stuff for me, since my risk just based on heredity is higher, and I loathe mammograms but I sort of saw it coming that they were going to want to increase my frequency of them. God I hate them, I always end up bruised everywhere and in so much pain, and I hate being touched like that, ugh. But at least I don't have the genetic cancer mutations. Seriously, if it wasn't major surgery, I'd cut these things off happily.
gwyn: (steve rogers fullhouse)
2017-08-07 11:42 am
Entry tags:

New vid: Club Vivid

I realized after I told people the story of how this came to be that I was telling it wrong, but here's the actual story. I wanted to make this initially as a Stucky vid, but I felt like I've made so many it was ridic, but I knew I couldn't make it as just a SteveSam vid, because there wasn't enough footage. So then I dithered about whether I should make it as both of them, but I worried that it would be unevenly divided because there's so much more useful Steve and Bucky clips, and I was telling [personal profile] killabeez about that and she said, well, if I was making this, I'd do that last verse as Natasha, because no one would see that reversal of her chasing Steve coming. And I gasped: "Peggy!" I said and she went "Oooooohhhhhh." I was excited to get started and became agonizing. It was so hard to make sure that the POV characters landed on the "I"s and the chased characters landed on the "you"s. This was so hard, and I never did feel like the switch in POV worked. But people seemed to enjoy it, which I guess is what matters in the end. So here, have a vid about the bisexual America deserves.

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