Is it like the ocean, what devotion are you

[gwyn]

The past month has been kind of nutty, both medical wise and work wise and even fandom wise. Too much activity, I am always fatigued and I cannot handle everything happening so much. And some of my dear friends are really, really going through it in their lives, and I have so little help to offer.

This time of year is always tough on me anyway. Wednesday marked the 20th anniversary of my twin sister's death, to the exact day even (she died on a Wednesday night, I'd been in her hospice room just talking with her, holding her hand, telling her what was happening on the TV because it was Alias night and she couldn't see well, so I was describing stuff for her, and then before it ended, she was gone, because she wanted to do something she wasn't physically capable of doing and it took the last life out of her). It's left me feeling very shaky. By Saturday of that week, we'd had a get-together at her house, which was way too many people, but friends of hers who'd moved away flew out just for that "service," a couple even coming from the East Coast on 24 hours notice.

So I always feel very bad as it is-- and it doesn't really end until after April, because Dad and I had to keep going down to San Diego to deal with the estate, get the house cleared out for sale, etc. I think the estate sale/garage sales we had were the worst, but there was a special hell afterwards where I had to clear out her office, which had at least a hundred photo albums full of people I didn't know, and I had to throw them in the trash. It was beyond awful, and Dad wasn't much help because of his physical limitations. Anyways, I wrote about all that back when it happened (on LJ, but the posts have been imported here), so I won't repeat everything, just that...20 years feels like nothing. Like I can see all the things clear as day and they still hurt just as much. There's a void in my soul I can't ever fill or see around.

I've had people tell me I just don't want to get over it. I don't know how to explain what being a twin, and losing one, is like to people who are single-birth folks; I don't understand what it's like to not be born with someone else, so I'm clueless about how to respond to those comments. They're just incredibly cruel.

When I had to go on Medicare, I lost my therapist, so it's been months since I've been able to talk to someone. I won't say he was the best therapist, but I still literally don't know what you're supposed to get out of it anyway, beyond having someone you can just complain to for an hour. But he left the group he was practicing with since they got bought out by the evil Optum (subsidiary of United Healthcare, whose CEO got shot in the street), and called me recently to tell me that the new group does take Medicare and he is now certified for that. I have no idea what Medicare will pay for, it's super confusing about mental health, or the supplement I have. But I have an appointment with him next week, so I'll see how it goes.

I thought I might have to have hand surgery because of arthritis in my thumb/base of my thumb, but for once the doctor (who I'd seen way back at the beginning of the pandemic for my left hand extreme arthritis pain, though he's now at a hospital instead of my old clinic: I guess the entire orthopedics department just up and moved over the Swedish hospital orthopedics when Optum came in, bless them) said "I have good news!" It turned out to be tendonitis--there's definitely arthritis in the joints, but in this case it was the tendons and sheaths being inflamed in a big way. He gave me a (very painful) shot in the joint at the base, and within a few days I was starting to be able to hold on to things again and actually turn the car key in the ignition. Yay! I had really been braced for the worst because that's almost always what happens.

Treatment continues apace. I've been down on the major number they look for, so it's possible I could get to that mythical remission stage, but who knows. To be honest, with the state of the world, I kind of wish the cancer wouldn't be so painful to just let me go off into that good night. The world's a shitshow. They're going after everything that will literally keep me alive. But I've never seen anyone I loved die without immense, horrific suffering, especially my sister. She suffered so horribly, as did Sandy, and I just don't know how or why those people who are said to "die peacefully surrounded by family and friends" get there, because it'll be painful for me, I think.

Every time I have plans to sit down and finish my Steve and Bucky in Wakanda WIP, I get an editing job with a terrible deadline. It's like some kind of summoning spell. I carve out time, the publisher writes me about a job, I need money, so...there it goes. I am fucking determined to finish this soon.

Comments

[devilc]

Hugs. Your sister's exit was awful and unfair. And dealing with the "stuff" afterwards sucks rocks.

I'm finding it so hard to feel creative with what is going on in the world right now, and when I do, I massive project at work comes along and just leaves me drained by the time I get home. So, I get that, too.

[gwyn]

Thank you--I remember we were both really going through it about relatives at that time.

[kass]

I can't imagine what it's like to be a twin (I mean... I can imagine, but I know I can't actually know). Losing a twin sounds like a very particular kind of loss, and I am so sorry that you are living it.

Sending love your way.

[gwyn]

Thank you, I know things are hard for you right now, too.

[mackiemesser]

It's a hard world to be in right now, and I'm sorry that you're getting hit with this significant anniversary when things are already difficult.

Congrats on the small victory with your hand, at least?

[gwyn]

Thank you! Yeah, spring is my favorite season, but it comes with a lot of memories.

[ratcreature]

My father's death from heart failure didn't seem the worst way to go. I think also because he died in a hospital setting so he was effectively drugged and unconscious at the end. Better than my mother's death at home from cancer anyway. The period before the final bit was worse, but mainly because dying is inherently awful and distressing and a body failing is horrible, was my impression. And that I think can only be avoided if you drop dead suddenly. Describing his death as "peaceful" would be a euphemism but not a ludicrous one.

[gwyn]

That's kind of what I hope for! I'm so sorry though that your family had to go through all that.

[jenab]

*Hugs*

[dine]

it's hard to believe it's been 20 years. you've gone through so much, and having the anniversary on top of everything else you're dealing with has got to be horrid.

I'm glad your former therapist reached out, and hopefully having that sounding board again might help a little, even if he's not the perfect match.

I'm also glad that you can skip hand surgery; so glad there's another issue with a less awful treatment.

<3

[gwyn]

Right back at ya--I know you are going through some serious shit. I don't always comment, but I am keeping up with you, and also thank you for the cute card!

[kore]

"I've had people tell me I just don't want to get over it."

Those people can go blow dead whale chunks. Being a twin means you were together even before you were born! How is someone supposed to "get over" that?

I'm feeling really really grim about the next couple of years. It really does feel like the Republicans are bent on killing people.

[gwyn]

I know--maybe I won't even have to worry about how I'm gonna go out because the rethuglicans will do it for me. :-( I think about you all the time, with all this shitty news. {{{hugs}}}

[rachelmanija]

I can't imagine what it's like to lose a twin but some losses no one ever "gets over," whatever that even means.

[gwyn]

Thank you-- I know, it's just so weird what people will say to you.

[goss]

*hugs*

[ann1962]

Thinking of you!

[gwyn]

Thank you! {{{hugs you}}}

[carbonel]

*Hugs*

Also hope for good and affordable medical personnel doing their job.

[gwyn]

Thanks! Yeah, it's funny, mostly I've been lucky with medical people, but you never know these days.

[oracne]

Sympathies on getting a shot in the hand! I got one once and OWWWWWWWWWW.

[gwyn]

It's kind of breathtaking how much they hurt! I kind of knew it would, because I'd had one in my foot in a toe joint, but time kind of makes you forget, lol.

[marycrawford]

Who the heck tells someone who's grieving that they should get over it, like: at all? Ever??? I mean. wtf. Why don't their heads explode when they say that, that's what I'd like to know.

I'm sorry times have been rough, I hope you can carve out some fannish time for things that bring you joy.

[gwyn]

Thank you--yeah, I'm sure it played a part in my drift away to no longer to be close to those people. {{{hugs}}}