What teaching has taught me
Jun. 5th, 2006 11:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwyn(Boring navel-gazing ahead)
I'm not sure if it was the mix of students, the problems with the structure of it the class, or what, but I've found myself wishing I could fail some of the students, and this is probably the most surprising thing. There's no way I'm going to, because it's pass/fail and it would be ridiculously punitive of me, but they really bailed on the course and kept showing up mostly because they'd paid so much money for it. They haven't done the work at the level they should, and I've had to slap the whole class upside the head on more than a couple occasions because people were flaking out on a super simple responsibility (a bi-weekly email update on their project) -- I had to give them a harsh dose of reality that all their excuses weren't going to cut it if they planned to become freelance editors (most of them want to be freelancers).
There couldn't be a more understanding person than me when it comes to how life issues can get in the way of work and other life issues. The impact my sister's death has had on my personality, let alone my ability to fulfill obligations, isn't even quantifiable. I've become a lot more of a flake than I ever was, there are times I have to leave situations because I really can't handle them. But most of the students in the class have come in with excuses why they didn't do this or that, and I have to tell them that if you want to freelance, word gets around -- if you don't deliver on deadlines, people will learn to stay away from you. If you don't keep clients updated, they won't feel like they can depend on you. I don't think anyone planned that their lives were going to take on all these different directions when they signed up for the practicum. But they had to know it would mean extra work -- that's the whole point of the course: to do real-life work on the things you've been studying for a year. To put it to practice on something real.
Most of the students didn't find a project to work on until just a few weeks ago. Only a couple have turned them in to me. I'm going to get hit with all these things I asked them to turn in to me last week or the week before, at the same time. I won't be able to give them the attention they deserve, but I also deserved some attention in following the guidelines. The thing is, some of the students in the course are really sharp. One of them is a true rock star and she's not only already got a new job editing a new newsletter for her global organization, she's set up her own freelance business by the third week of the course. And most of them have good copyediting chops. But some of them have really bailed on the responsibility issue.
The other thing that's been harder than I thought is how much hand-holding I've had to do. Only a couple of the students are young -- most of them are middle-aged and older than me. They have this hangdog attitude that "oh me, oh my, I can't make a resume that works for this career change, I don't know how to sell myself, oh noes, I might as well go home." And what's worse, I've given them all really speficic instructions for how to develop an editing resume with the work histories they all have and the work they've done in the certificate editing program. I've had to practically beg them to send me their resumes so that I can help them because they seem unable to connect the very very specific dots I've given them. If they can't let me see their resumes and help them, how are they ever going to give difficult clients feedback?
As a person with little to no self-esteem (actually, it would be down in the negative digits), I totally get that sense of uncertainty and self-doubt and fear at making a late-life career change. But they've all done one of the biggest steps they could make to start down this path -- they've gained a certificate in editing from a really hard course. Most of them do a very good job with the basics. They'll get better with experience and time. My class, however, was designed to give them more experience, but they're so busy waving their arms helplessly and going "ooohhh nooooooeeeesssss" and staring helplessly at the table that they don't do the work. And they want me to give them formulas for starting a business. The class isn't about that, but they've become obsessed with this idea of me providing them with a blueprint of how to start a freelance business and get clients and pay taxes. Not only am I remarkably unqualified for that since I've never done it, I keep trying to tell them there ARE no magic formulas and anyway, the class is about them having guided experience with a knowledgeable editor. You know -- doing the work for real. But most of them have flaked on that.
I'm not emotionally capable of holding people's hands. I thought it would be a good first step for me to be back in the land of the living, but this has been emotionally debilitating for me. I'm so tired all the time, so wrung out just to get through every day, that I can't find the energy to help these folks at all. Well, I know some of them think I've been a big help, but I know others haven't gotten their magic formula, so they're disappointed. They want someone to do everything for them because they're scared, and they can't extrapolate from things at all. There's no earthly reason that people who've held jobs for 20 or 30 years can't follow sample resumes as guidelines to come up with their own. But they just go "I don't know what to dooooo" and send me this stuff that I have to fix fix fix and I want to help them, but cripes. I didn't get this far by just waving my arms and asking people to do things for me. I had to do this work myself. I didn't get classes to help me when I started out; there was no certificate program and no degree in this sort of thing.
It makes me feel like I'm a crappy teacher, which I probably am. I'm not sure I'm cut out for this. I like the idea of teaching, but the pracicality isn't as fun. And I know that last year, the person whose shoes I'm filling for the practicum didn't have this kind of helplessness and doooom, we're all dooooomed approach from most of her students. Maybe I'm just lucky. I've been trying to encourage the worst of the lot to consider temping or contracting first before totally striking out on their own. I don't think they can do the marketing they need to survive if they don't get some background first. I don't know if they hear me, though.
We're probably going out for drinks afterward, and tonight's supposed to be about "what's next." I wish I could say, people, get some damn backbone and make some effort and stop fucking whining. They all think I'm successful and whatever, but the only reason I appear that way to them is that I've never not taken an opportunity when it arrived. I have no amibition whatsoever, zero interest in going anywhere, I just like to do what I do and keep getting better at it. But whenever someone needed a volunteer to do a workshop or what have you, I always took it. I made connections by going to professional organization luncheons and screwing my courage up and talking to people even though I'm horribly shy. Whatever books about resumes or business or people I met who knew the ropes came along, I took advantage of it.
I can't seem to impress this upon them and I fear for their futures, even though they are all really nice people and I want them to succeed. Part of me wants to scream "Just do it! Do it do it do it!" at them, but, you know, I think the university frowns up on this.
ETA: Can someone explain to me what the fuck is up with LJ? Ever since they put in this stupid editing bar in the update page, I can't get the commands to work, but they don't work in the html editor, either. This is just freaking enraging...
