gwyn: (bucky steve bar)
For [personal profile] ranalore: Is there a Steve/Bucky vid or fic you'd prefer to watch or read that you haven't run across yet?

You know, that's actually a really hard question to answer. I had to think about it quite a bit, because I tend to either make the vids I want to see most or write the stories with the ideas I like best. I mean, this is one of the few fandoms I've been in where there's a lot of good fic that's pretty representative of what I'd like to read, which is rare since I'm so fucking picky, but I still have to write the ideas I like most of all more often than not because no one else is doing them. And I hate that; I'd much, much rather read something than write it myself.

Someone wrote a story for the big bang that's about the Ghost Army in WWII and I look forward to reading that (though I'm always trepidatious about reading historical pre- and war-era fiction in this fandom because so many people get so much of it wrong and that just drives me batshit, especially the war OMG it's horrible). I'd been contemplating a story based around the Ghost Army, and it's nice to know now I don't have to waste my time writing something no one will read. I'd love to have someone do the WWII fic with the bonus appearance of Band of Brothers' Easy Company so that I don't have to spend so much time with my references and plotting and shit, but I know it's not gonna happen. And I've never in my life written a true AU, but I think all the time about how fucking cute a Desk Set AU (minus all the gross period politics) with Steve and Bucky could be--Steve in the head researcher Kate Hepburn role, Bucky in the computer guy efficiency expert Spencer Tracey role, lots of banter and sexual tension. If someone wrote that I'd be so happy.

I wish someone else would make the vid I was talking about the other day! There've actually been a lot of vids to songs I wanted to see or themes/stories, since Winter Soldier even came out, but I haven't liked most of them--they've been wildly popular, but for whatever reason I thought they were not done well and that was really disappointing. I know that these days using the same song as someone else isn't the bad form it used to be in olden tymes, but I just can't see doing those songs or concepts again, so I'm always going to be a bit disappointed by that--it's like the thing I want is so close and yet so far.
gwyn: (bucky steve mouths)
Question today comes from [personal profile] kass: What do you love most about Steve and Bucky right now?

You know, it's weird how much I had to think about this, since my default lately is simply STEVEANDBUCKYOMG4EVA!!! But Civil War really threw a monkey wrench in things for me--it was really obvious, between the first trailer and the beginnings of the press for it, where we were treated to things like the Russos saying "Stucky fans will be very happy" and numerous publications writing about how clearly not just friends Bucky and Steve are (and that if we lived in a better world, they would be allowed to be in a romantic relationship), the Disney/Marvel honchos got into a big gay panic and put the kibosh on the hoyay. Chris Evans even confirmed that most of the truncated and heavily edited bits were the bits between him and Sebastian.

And that tag felt like…punishment, for Bucky, which the writers have actually said out loud, that Bucky was guilty and I don't even know how to unpack such a tone-deaf statement from the people who gave us so much good stuff with him previously--but it also felt like punishment for us. Like they were wagging their fingers at us and telling us to stop talking about them like they're gay for each other. I hate that tag so much it's just been really hard for me to find a way in to write anything post-CW, and while there's certainly 90 percent more functional Bucky to vid with, it's still a challenge because they made such a point of keeping them physically apart, and keeping Steve's helmet on. The tag also felt like it was tacked on at the last minute, as part of that memo to PLEASE STOP WITH THE GAY TALK. Keep them separated, the same way they do in the comics, where they pine for each other and talk about each other relentlessly but only spend time with each other once in a while and they are very straight they have girlfriends please shut up thank you very much.

So what I love most about them right now is hard because it's wrapped up in all the stuff I'm actually really angry about, and I'm having trouble separating that. Most of what I've tried to write lately is stories that are separate from the new canon, even if they're set post-Winter Soldier, because that's kind of the only place I can be happy. I don't mind thinking of Steve being Nomad, because I love me some Nomad, he's adorable and hilarious and so earnest, but I definitely don't like thinking of the MCU Bucky being separate from Steve, as the Man on the Wall like he's been in comics recently or leading Thunderbolts, or sometimes even Bucky!Cap, because that'd mean Steve's gone completely from his life. If he's going to be Bucky!Cap, I just want it to be because Steve's also fighting, just in some other way than as Cap specifically. (I love thinking of the comics Bucky in Thunderbolts with Kobik, being a reluctant but pretty good dad, as a possibility for the story in MCU, I just don't want it separate from Steve.)

I love them trying to get on with their lives, to find a place together and figuring out who they are in the modern world. That never ever gets old for me, honestly, their struggle to fit in here, that they are really the only people in the world with shared life experience. Most of what I write certainly focuses on that, and I feel like the development of who they are in this world is an endlessly deep well we can mine (Marvel won't, but fan writers can). I love them being domestic and fucking shopping for curtains because they never had that chance before and now they can live a life together. I want them having tons of great sex if that's what they want, or none if they don't want it, and eating sandwiches and drinking good coffee and discovering what to them might be weird new foods. And having a great time with their new found family of friends. I love them because they're astoundingly resilient, considering everything they've been through, and they're strong and they will get through the really bad days.

So I guess that's what I love about them, in spite of Civil War's best efforts to kill my passion. In the midst of all the crap around them, they are strong, and they offer some hope, and they find a way to keep going, and I find that encouraging.
gwyn: (bucky steve mouths)
Continuing my tradition of posting fic for my birthday. It's a crappy gift, I know, but it's all I got.

These Long and Better Days To Come (33480 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Thor (Marvel), Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanov, Tony Stark, Clint Barton
Additional Tags: Non-Serum Steve Rogers/Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes | Shrinkyclinks, De-Serumed Steve Rogers, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, Impostors, Remote Cabin in the Woods, Non-Linear Narrative, Time-Trippyness, Time Shifts/Time Slips, This Hydra benefits package really sucks
Summary:

He had forgotten what curiosity could feel like. Whoever the impostor was, he’d need help, and this team might not be equipped to find him. Bucky had been a soldier, once. Competent and skilled. The best, they’d said. Something inside him rose up from dormancy, came alive at the thought. He was a soldier once and he knew how to do this: where to go, how to get in. Skills that were his unique gift.

gwyn: (bucky steve mouths)
So, in a fit of madness, I signed up for the Stucky Big Bang last May. Through a lot of circumstances, mostly to do with unpleasantness that made it hard to write but some other stuff too, I really struggled to get through this, but somehow I eked out 40,000 words of dreamsharing awfulness. But the best thing was that an artist signed up for my fic who turned out to be incredible, and incredibly inspiring for me to reach the finish line--one of the art pieces is an animated gif, I kid you not--and I'm actually way more excited about the amazing art than anything else.

Still Let Me Sleep (40489 words) by gwyneth rhys, Riakomai
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Marvel 616
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Thor
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Peggy Carter, Jimmy Jupiter (Marvel), Thor (Marvel), Natasha Romanov, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Heimdall (Marvel), Frigga (Marvel), Jim Morita
Additional Tags: Dreamsharing, Dreamscapes, The Land of Nowhere, Road Trips, Asgard, Grief/Mourning, See the USA in your Chevrolet (with an Asgardian prince), We're Dream Engineers
Summary:

When the Valkyrie hits the water, Steve doesn’t die. Instead, he crawls out of the wreckage and finds himself in an amazing, confusing land that could be the alternate universe of Nowhere—or it could be his dreams. And he gradually realizes he’s not the only one. Steve doesn’t know if he’s even alive, but he’s certain of this: Bucky’s there with him, sharing his dreams, and outside their idyllic world, he’s suffering. Something is terribly wrong. Steve has to find Bucky—if he can. But how does he do that in a new century where he feels like he’s all alone?




Thanks so much to [personal profile] sineala for all the BB advice and helping me with the summary and just being a sounding board.
gwyn: (bucky confusedface)
Don’t Wait Up for Me (37510 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 5/5
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton, Tony Stark
Additional Tags: Friendship, Forget Your Past, Action/Adventure, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes and His Terrible Plans, Shaving, Hair Washing, Closure, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Reunions
Summary:

“This was the last place where I knew who Bucky Barnes was. No matter how many times they stuffed the Soldier inside me, or tried to rip the old Bucky out, a little bit of him still hung on inside, you know? I just need to see that place where it all changed.”



Complete now.
gwyn: (bucky & steve alley purple)
Don’t Wait Up for Me (35994 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapter 4: Blind Alley

Chapter Summary: “It feels like a dream,” Bucky said idly, and he recalled it: that liminal moment when the ice came down and he wasn’t blank and black inside just yet, and flashes of a life he knew couldn’t have been his shone in his mind.

An informal announcement since I'm hoping to have the completed one later. There’s one more chapter, the epilogue, coming very shortly, maybe even by tonight if I can get rewrites done. 
gwyn: (bucky with mask)
Don’t Wait Up for Me (25801 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapter 3: Forget Your Past
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanov
Additional Tags: Closure, Soul-Searching, Friendship, Forget Your Past, Action/Adventure, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes and His Terrible Plans, Not All Brutalism Is Ugly
Summary:

From the moment Steve had gotten Bucky back he’d been preparing to lose him again.

gwyn: (bucky confusedface)
Don’t Wait Up for Me (14591 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapter 2: If We Knew You Were Coming, We'd Have Baked a Cake
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanov
Additional Tags: Closure, Soul-Searching, Friendship, Forget Your Past, Action/Adventure
Summary:

“This was the last place where I knew who Bucky Barnes was. No matter how many times they stuffed the soldier inside me, or tried to rip the old Bucky out, a little bit of him still hung on inside, you know? I just need to see that place where it all changed.”

gwyn: (bucky winter soldier)
Don’t Wait Up for Me (4954 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/?
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Natasha Romanov
Additional Tags: Closure, Soul-Searching, Friendship, Forget Your Past
Summary:

“This was the last place where I knew who Bucky Barnes was. No matter how many times they stuffed the soldier inside me, or tried to rip the old Bucky out, a little bit of him still hung on inside, you know? I just need to see that place where it all changed.”




Sorry it's a WIP, but I kind of figured what difference does it make, and this way I could use the fear of guilt and shame to make sure I finished something.

Man, if there's one (of many) things that irritate the fuck out of me about AO3, it's that first chapters won't post with their title. I do not even understand why that's a thing and why it would be constructed that way.
gwyn: (yuletide lights)
I was completely shocked yesterday when I got a notification that there was a treat for me in Yuletide Madness. Since I hadn't signed up, I never expected anything like that, and I didn't even think you could do that! Like, I don't know if it's legal, but I don't care, someone wrote me a lovely sweet interlude between Mack and Jonas from The Unit. What kindness!

the hour before dawn (266 words) by Anonymous
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: The Unit
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Jonas Blane/Mack Gerhardt
Characters: Mack Gerhardt, Jonas Blane
Additional Tags: Mornings, Trust, Fluff, Voice Kink
Summary:

Even half asleep, Mack can hear everything he needs to know from the sound of Jonas' voice.




And my darling [profile] devilpiglet posted the third of her Steve/Bucky series right before the tidal wave of Yuletide broke, and even if it wasn't a gift it FEELS like a gift, the best Christmas gift we could get because it's gorgeous and emotional and funny and tender and the writing is exquisite, which is like my favorite stuff all rolled into one, and you should go read and leave her glowing feedback because she is magnificent.

The Mercy Seat (5343 words) by DevilPiglet
Chapters: 2/2
Fandom: Captain America (Movies)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, Natasha Romanov, Original Dog Character(s), Maria Hill, Nick Fury
Additional Tags: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Psychological Trauma, Past Torture, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Series: Part 3 of A Nightingale Sang
Summary:

“If you come for Bucky,” Steve says, “I walk.”

Fury’s voice is very, very soft when he replies. “Watch yourself, Captain.”

“Keep the shield. Keep the costume, give it to the next guy you run up the flagpole. Bucky and I will disappear, find a beach on the other side of the globe and live out our days in peace.” There’s bitterness, there at the end.

gwyn: (bucky steve mouths)
Holding On to You Holding On to Me (1342 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes
Additional Tags: Captain America: Civil War Trailer, Reunions, Love, Interlude
Series: Part 1 of Interlude
Summary:

Steve stares at his back, the terrible architecture of Bucky’s suffering written on the left shoulder and side. Reaches over and with fingertips brushes each rung along the ladder of his spine.





Jeez, a fanwork a week--too much? I don't even know, considering how crappy I feel about everything. Interludes based on the Civil War trailer, so conjecturey spoilers, I guess.
gwyn: (bucky & steve alley purple)
So my birthday is in exactly one week, and I'm trying to resurrect my old tradition of posting fic on my birthday. Last year I actually posted a bit earlier than that, with the Groundhog Day-time loop Steve/Bucky story, because it was done and I was still working hard on my book for work. This year I'm again working hard on a book, which has turned out to be something of a nightmare and they had to both extend my hours and the deadline, thank god. But I'm also trying to fix up this story to post, which is taking a lot of time because I have to keep stealing little bits of work time away from actual paying work, and it feels so completely, soul-crushingly not worthwhile to be writing fic at all.

Plus it's another baseball series fic, so it's like "just what no one asked for!" But I couldn't help thinking about the ballgames that soldiers used to play in the war, and it seemed like a natural place to take the series.

I also started a Steve/Bucky vid but then got bogged down in trying to work on that plus the book, so I haven't made any more progress. I wish I knew how to get the look I want from it. I just don't know how to make it look visually like I want to see it in my head, and it's frustrating as hell. I don't like vids that are all showoffy with effects and stuff, most of the time, I'm there for the story and a lot of times I find that the story gets lost when people are spending all their time on effects. But this is one time where I really do wish I could understand and use those kinds of things.

I'm also trying to talk myself out of getting [tumblr.com profile] dorkbait's series of Bucky drawings they made for inktober--they are stunning, absolutely stunning, and it tells a somewhat cryptic but fascinating story of Bucky thinking about his progress. They've made the art available through a kickstarter book project, but I'm a) broke and b) already waiting for a birthday present I bought myself to arrive, so I feel like I shouldn't. But I have a feeling I will probably cave, just because wow, this fandom is still so strong for me, it's the only thing I really care about, and gorgeous fanart should be supported.
gwyn: (bucky confusedface)
I don't know why I waste time writing meta, it never seems worth the effort, but I wrote a thing on Tumblr about Bucky and blinking and how it's yet another physical indicator of his internal thought processes in the bank vault scene of Captain America: The Winter Soldier. If you're inclined to read that sort of thing, as Mr. Sam Wilson might say. I knew that minor in speech communication would be useful someday, too bad it's just for a Tumblr post. I always feel like I'm talking into a void, both because few people are journaling these days and nothing ever really goes anywhere on Tumblr, and yet I continue to do it.

Speaking of Sam Wilson, I hear his birthday is the 23rd. I'm writing a sam hill story (Sam/Maria), I think, in honor of that, but I'm floundering past the initial premise of him asking her out. If you have any prompts you'd be interested in, let me know. I can't promise I'll use it, but I might!

The repairs on the south wall of my house are done. It looks like a new house if you only look at that wall. So that was thousands and thousands of dollars I hadn't planned on spending. Yay. I wish so much that that was money I could have used to help people, it seems a lot of people I know are going through really rough times, and I would so much rather have spent it on them. But when it's completely rotten and falling apart, you can't keep ignoring it the way I have for the past few years.

And that's the only updating I have.
gwyn: (bucky confusedface)
In the Stardust of a Song (9837 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanov, Peggy Carter, Brock Rumlow, Original Character, Alexander Pierce
Additional Tags: Music, Triggered Memories, Missing Scene, During Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Summary:

The shudder courses through you again, there’s a vicious throb like that first touch of the ice on your skin. You don’t know this song. You don’t know any music at all.




Apologies in advance to those who hate second person. I'm awful, I know.
gwyn: (bucky steve mouths)
I finally have a couple of the kissfics up on AO3 if that's where you're more inclined to read. I tidied them up a bit and added a few things here and there. First is the Bucky and Peggy one:

That Only You Would Know (933 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Peggy Carter
Characters: Peggy Carter, James "Bucky" Barnes
Additional Tags: Platonic Kissing, Tests, Bonding, implied Steve/Bucky
Summary:

Let's make a test of our own, shall we?



And then yesterday I posted this Steve/Bucky one and holy crap. I got more kudos and notes on Tumblr in 8 hours than I get on most of my stuff for its lifetime. It's kinda depressing--these things you slave and sweat over, that you craft for weeks and weeks, disappear into a void, even when you think they're the best things you've written, but commentfic gets…that. I don't even know how fandom works anymore. (I mean, I get it, when you can post a fic to Tumblr it's easier for people, but that generally has not been the case for me. This stupid thing I wrote for Sam/Steve last year suddenly got picked up by someone popular a couple weeks ago, and next thing I know I had more notes on that than I've ever had for anything. Destina's right: Tumblr is a naked singularity.) So yeah, there's this:

Your 21st-Century Boy (1765 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Clint Barton, Tony Stark
Additional Tags: Gender Roles, Bucky Barnes Isn't Having Any of Your Gendered Marketing Bullshit, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, the Fabulous Soldier, Kissing
Summary:

Clint had peered at him out of one eye and said, "You know pink's a girl's color."

"Not in my day, bub," Bucky said, sliding the tube of the grenade launcher up, chambering the shell, and racking it back down as he stared coolly at Clint. "You know who started that pink is feminine shit? Hitler."



I suppose it's too late now to add a note about the title--it's a play on T Rex's "20th Century Boy," and anyone who's old enough knows Marc Bolan was one of the original gender-bender glam rock artists. Here's a clip of him performing it in all his glory.
gwyn: (steve rogers fullhouse)
[personal profile] such_heights is having an MCU kissing commentfest at her page, where lots of lovely people have left prompts for kissage and lots of people are filling them. I wrote three commentfics so far, one for Steve/Bucky and two for Steve/Sam, and I hope I might be able to do a couple more. One of them's kind of hidden since it was the second fill for the prompt. I guess they're not great, but I have been having a lot of trouble writing lately, with two stories I can't seem to make much headway on. I don't know if it's just that Things We Lost in the War did me in, or the surprise!job I got in right afterward, or general depression/worthlessness, or even just the pressure of all the stuff I have to do, but I can't seem to write. So this couldn't have come at a better time.

Steve/Bucky and baseball is here, and Steve/Sam + pool table is here, while Steve/Sam + bedtime story is here. There are some delicious prompts there that I'm thinking about. If you can't fill them with a fanwork of some type, leave a prompt or make a comment on someone's fill!

The only other writing I've been able to do was to talk about why I don't think it's that unreasonable to be sad about the ever-inflating clown car of a cast list for Cap 3 over at my tumblr. I haven't said anything here about Ultron for various reasons. Mostly my fannishness is/was squarely focused on Captain America.
gwyn: (bucky end of the line)
The second of two for [personal profile] ranalore, about Things We Lost in the War:

I guess for that one I'd love more meta than commentary, really. I'd love to hear what inspired you to write the story, which is one I kind of really, really wanted and never expected because I always want poetry+my OTC fic in all my fandoms and sometimes it fits better than others and in this case I thought it might actually fit but I wasn't sure anybody else saw it that way and so I resigned myself to likely never getting it.

You know, I was trying to remember what started me down this path but I can't for the life of me remember, I started writing it so long ago. A lot of times an idea will just spring fully formed into my mind, and I think at some point the idea of Bucky not being ready to have contact face to face with Steve was there (honestly, it probably came out of writing Dark Approach, I believe), but that he could write, would want to write. We forget these days how important letters were to people back then, how difficult and expensive even phone calls were, and I had been reading some letters from the front of the European theatre during the war as well as my dad's letters home. My dad, genius though he was in the sciences, couldn't string a coherent sentence together half the time in print, but his letters from the war were still really amazing and full of such vivid detail it almost didn't seem like the dad I knew--and I think that's one of the things that wormed its way into Bucky's story, that people can have these different layers to them that come out in different ways depending on the type of communication.

Letters pull forth a different type of thinking, there's a...space, I guess, to process your thoughts, and an intimacy of thought when you're sharing communication with someone. They give you time to sink into your feelings, and you're safe, in a way, to respond to the prompts of someone else's letter to you, there's no one there to talk over you or have a body-language reaction that might overcome what you want to say.

And I know a lot about dead drops, but when I was in Washington DC last October, I went to the Spy Museum, where they had the post box that was used as a dead drop in the famous FBI spy case, and I found where Steve's apartment was, because I'd been thinking about this story and planning the letters and how they'd get delivered. It was a super inspirational fannish trip, and that put a lot of thoughts in my head about how the story itself would develop, how things would proceed and what they'd do along the way--sort of the blocking, as it were.

I've never been the biggest poetry fan, to be honest, but the poets and poems I like, I really really like. Rilke's one of them, and it helped that he was of an era where Bucky could have read his stuff and he would have had that presence and be well known enough. Thinking about Steve being a painter was what inspired me to want to have literary!Bucky--that Bucky could have a gift too that was beyond just being a soldier and a weapon, beyond the typical fanfic tropes of working at the docks or something like that. I've been writing since I was five, and it's just always been this thing in my life, even when I wasn't doing it, so I really liked thinking about Bucky having something like that in his life. That he could have had such a rich interior life.

But of course, that would be something that would come out in his letters home once he was in combat, and in writing to Steve because he didn't know how else to deal with his pain. Some of the WWII letters I've read over the years were just so amazing, so tragic and hopeless and yet beautiful, and I wanted some of that for Bucky, so that Steve could see the parts of Bucky he never did back then. And then they could move forward.

To be honest, I didn't expect people to embrace this aspect. I thought everyone would laugh at it, that the idea of Bucky loving poetry and literature would just be...stupid. Because of circumstances, I wasn't able to get it beta'd as I'd hoped, and that was my biggest fear, posting it without having anyone to tell me that it was a ridiculous idea and a poorly done story. And I still wonder if some people I know think it's a ridiculous idea; I haven't ever been that nervous posting something. But the people who've liked literary!Bucky seem to really like it, so I'm breathing a bit easier now.

I think it's really easy to see guys raised during the Depression, in poverty, in tough old Brooklyn, as only being rough and tumble. With Steve, we have his canon as an artist, but the most we have about Bucky is the tough teen sidekick that Brubaker created and gave more of a background and maturity to. I just didn't think being tough and having that background cancels out an appreciation for art, or a capability. Bucky contains multitudes, you know? I just really wanted to give him that chance at an artistic voice, too, while writing a war story and a recovery story and a love story.
gwyn: (bucky steve mouths)
Today is the first of two for [personal profile] ranalore, this one for Dark Approach : The hospital scene after Bucky comes in, which kills me every time I read it.

So, I wasn't sure if you meant the entire hospital scene or just the stuff with Steve and Bucky, but I'll talk about the entire thing just in case. I knew from the start, even though the process of writing such a long fic took me in different directions many times over the course of the months I worked on it, that I wanted to have a scene where Bucky is being sniper boyfriend keeping tabs on Steve and saving his life from a distance, and I had the whole scene with Thor coming in and thinking Bucky's a threat to Steve and hitting him with lightning and they would fall together, already mapped out. And that that would be the final catalyst to get Bucky back to Steve--even if he's not emotionally there, he's physically there.

And I really wanted Steve to just completely fall to pieces over it, and have his friends be the ones to shore him up--I think that's what's often missing in a lot of what I read, that Steve needs people helping him with his shit just as much as Bucky does. Seeing Bucky there really does him in, he's both happier than he's ever been and maybe more miserable than he's ever been, because all his guilt and sense of failure is hitting him hard, seeing Bucky like that. And even though Bucky chose to come back to Steve for help, that wasn't exactly how he wanted to make himself known and hospitals + Bucky are a really bad combo, so he's panicked, needs to escape. Which I think would make Steve just feel all the worse about everything, even though he knows why Bucky came in. It's a bit over halfway through the story, so things have to change at that point, and even though Bucky's kind of fighting it, he knows that the tough love Steve's giving him is right.

And of course, everyone else is worried--about Steve, about Bucky being a danger to him, and so on--but they see how things are with Steve and they know they need to help him, whatever their feelings about the Winter Soldier are. I think Steve is often portrayed as oblivious to what would help Bucky get better, like he's incapable of getting it, and I wanted him to be not oblivious, but helpless, because he has so much guilt and an overwhelming sense of responsibility for what happened to Bucky that he doesn't know what steps to take and he's feeling his way there. In the hospital, they are both suddenly helpless--Bucky because he's been in cardiac arrest and pretty much dead for a few minutes on top of the terrible withdrawal from the drugs Hydra had him on, and Steve because he can't dig himself out from under the mountain of guilt he's buried in. They are both injured there, in different ways.

And I really wanted to have Sam and Tony see that, and understand that, and try to figure out how they can help, even though they both feel pretty inadequate there too. I really wanted that section afterward to be from Sam's point of view, because he's seeing the shift in Steve and Bucky's relationship there, and he gets it more than pretty much anyone else could.
gwyn: (bucky steve mouths)
Things We Lost in the War (31645 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Sam Wilson (Marvel), Natasha Romanov, Rebecca Barnes, Peggy Carter, Sarah Rogers
Additional Tags: Epistolary, Dead Drop, Letters, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Poetry, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Steve Has Issues, World War II, Ephemera - Freeform, Guilt, Memories
Summary:

Tell me what is really true. Tell me if I belong to you the way I think I do, if these are not just lies someone put inside me to warp my mind. Tell me this pounding in my chest is what I feel for you and not fear.



This thing has been kicking my ass since last fall. In the time I've worked on it, I've written six other stories. Maybe that was a sign I should give up, but I promised minim_calibre.

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