somniloquence

Long time no...post. I still read through my flist every day, but posting just seems to be an endeavor I have trouble mustering the ability for: I think of things to say in my head, but they never make it on to the screen. It's been mostly stress and fear around here, anyway, and no one wants to read more of that, all things considered out in the world.

( fun with healthcare )

( and then there's the emotional rollercoaster of fandom )

Whew! That's a lot and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to read any of this. I'll spare you the sometimes awful and hilarious story about my Cap RBB fic writing adventures. Maybe when it's done I'll tell it. I should probably stop comments, but I guess I'll leave them on just because I'm tired and lazy.

Some of you were wondering about what's going on with my dad -- I wish I knew. ( Cut to spare you my family drama trauma ongoing saga )

Anyways. Today is my final look-see at my teefs. I'm done with my braces! Well, sort of. Next steps are next. We'll figure out retainers and whatnot, and then I have to work with the dentist about a bite guard for night (I'd rather just have the retainers), and then I have to get the teeth fixed that have been hiding behind other teeth so you couldn't see the chips. But it's all pretty exciting for me after a year and a half of wearing the Invisaligns to see the light at the end. I really am ready to not have to wear these 24/7. I get to a point where I just can't stand them being on one. more. second. and so I don't always wear them as long as I should.

Best news of all, Southland returned for a third season last night!! ( My awesome show )

Back at the gym today after a week away, due to various factors. I didn't even get a chance to walk much last week to make up for it. It was much quieter today, and I'm hopeful that's a sign some of the noisier people are back at school or something. Guy who loves himself and tells everyone loudly about it is still there, but I noticed he was down to a one person, probably his girlfriend, so that automatically dampens the sound level. Without toadies, he's muted.

I feel very discouraged -- I haven't lost any noticeable weight after four months, and I don't think I'm going to lose any at all. Nothing looks different. I know I'm battling two major factors: i'm almost fifty (god, I hate saying that so very much), and I'm taking an antidepressant that I hear makes it harder to lose weight. I know it's supposed to be its own reward to be in shape, but I also need my clothes to fit because I don't have the money for new ones. I've been trying to wear things lately I haven't worn for a long time, but it's just uncomfortable. I can do longer, harder walks than before, so I realize there's progress, but it doesn't seem like anything outside is changing. It's difficult to battle the "what's the point if it doesn't help" thoughts. And I don't have a support network, before you ask.

I'm into my fourth week with the aligners as of today. I'm better at taking them off now, but when I start a new set, that's when I have the most trouble. Keeping them clean is a real challenge -- I'm seeing now how incredibly deep the grooves in my teeth are (which dentists have always worried about) and how rounded the shapes are, so that brushing them is a challenge because of the pockets and crannies. I still have moments of gagginess, sometimes at odd moments when I just realize that there are these things in my mouth.

However, my teeth are already straighter. It's quite fascinating. I looked at the fourth set and they really don't look all that different from the first, but they are. And even just on my second set here, I'm kind of astonished at how many of my teeth are are straightening quite well. My fangs are now pointing straight up and down instead of inward and forward. I'm most interested to see how it adjusts my bite.

Mostly I think it's just making me feel even uglier and more worthless than usual. I've felt really down and isolated and unwanted lately, and there's something about being old, fat, ugly, and having braces, even invisible ones, that just make you feel... well, honestly, except for the old part? This is just like when I was a 13-year-old starting a new school in a new area and being made fun of relentlessly and being friendless. Except I had acne then, too, although my skin has been horrible lately due to body changes and so I suppose that's not far behind.

I want to be excited about the fall tv season but nothing is floating my boat (except Glee). Even though two of my fave recent series have vampires in them, I'm not a vampire person at all, and so I will wait to see what people think of Vampire Diaries and if it sounds like a possibility, I guess I'll check it out. But that's almost the only thing I can see of interest. Everything else just sounds so derivative. But I'll still give most series, especially dramas, a shot by taking a look at their premieres just to be on the safe side. At least there's a bit of Project Runway still to come, Chuck midseason, and Burn Notice in January too. And DirectTV is showing all the episodes of Eyes starting in a couple weeks, so that will be nice to see the stuff I never got to before.

I'm really enjoying their 101 channel's showings of series that were cancelled and never got their eps burned off on network TV -- I recently watched both Smith and The Nine, and they showed Showtime's Sleeper Cell (where I first saw Star Trek reboot's Capt. Robau, and thought he was hot then too), and now they're running Oz and Deadwood, and it's so cool to see Deadwood in hi-def on the glorious widescreen TV. I'm still sad about losing my beloved Canadian station and a couple of the local sister stations of the affiliates, but... 101 kind of helps ease the sting.

What are you planning to watch this fall? Anything to sell me on besides Glee? (I have the pilot from iTunes, I just haven't watched it yet, but plan to.)

Month three of the fitness escapade (not to be confused with the convention Escapade). I still have not lost any weight (well, to be honest, I don't weigh myself, as I do not know how to use those old fashioned scales with the bobbly things on them) and the tight pants and tops are still every bit as tight. In fact, I would actually say things are worse in that the other day I put on my undies like normal and the new, larger ones were too tight. That was a fair bit of what the fuckery I didn't understand. Maybe it's because it was in the hundreds here and I was so puffed up that I couldn't even wear my ring, but I think that's just how it is lately -- everything's still tight.

I also didn't exercise all last week because of the heat. The second floor of the gym is always abysmally hot and I couldn't face trying to do cardio there in such weather. I also didn't go for my in-between-gym walks for the heat reason. This week I'm making up for it, though, by getting back to my routine and going for some really challenging walks -- yesterday was not unlike a day hike in the Cascade foothills. And I've made all of them without stopping, so I know that at least my stamina has increased.

My main issue is the gym, honestly. On the days I prefer to go, I have to endure this miniature blowhard who seems to have quite a sycophantic coterie around him and who constantly shouts and brags and can't seem to talk below Brian Blessed level, even though his voice is nowhere near that basso profundo sort of quality. It never fails that he's everywhere I want to be and I just get so very tired of listening to him and his "duuuude, awesome!" friends. They're all loud and mentally deficient. But if I go on a M W F cycle, then I have to listen to the aerobics or whatever they're calling it these days class with the shrieking microphone woman and the tall white guy who bellows or the tiny Asian woman who whoop-whoop-whoops at top volume in between mic lady's instructions. Not to mention the pounding music. There is really no such thing as a quiet time there, except apparently in the afternoon at exactly the time I don't want to be caught on the freeway trying to get back home.

Oh how I wish I could afford to toss this gym membership and go somewhere nice. Somewhere close by. I really don't mind the working out, it's the people I can't stand, and this is what stopped me the last time. I have to try to find a head space that won't let me drop out.

I will probably be faced with at least some weight loss soon, though. After I get home from VVC, I go in to get my braces -- really aligners because I'm doing the Invisalign things. I'm so not looking forward to this -- no more sipping tea all day long, no more grazing on small bits of food, no more unplanned-out eating out. This will be my last bit of freedom for two years. Sob. No one I know cares anything about my anxiety about the braces thing, so I am busy feeling sorry for myself with extra helpings. I know this will be good for me in the long run and fix many of my mouth problems, but I really don't want to do it.

But first, VVC! OMG next week. I have so many discs to burn and covers to trim and liner notes to fold. AIIEEEE!

Oh, I am such a bad poster. And then when I finally do an update, there's so much to talk about that I don't want to type it all, and I don't put it up anyway. Sigh.

So, this is the past coupla weeks:
- Went to a new dentist recommended to me by black_bird_777 to look at the crown. Explained all my dental issues, including the gag reflex so bad it's "throw up on you" bad. They assure me I will be in good (but really super expensive) hands, and they want to rebuild the whole crown (of course). I don't think they fully understand the gag reflex issue, but... they will when I start flailing wildly, I guess. It's very, very expensive. I go in Tuesday and I am afeared.

- Dentist also did something that every dentist I've been to for the past few years has -- wants me to get braces to fix my really crowded and crooked front teeth. I had braces when I was like 12-13, and it was a miserable experience. The old kind, with the band that wraps around your teeth. They sheared my gums off a couple of times when the mallet slipped, then another time, the orthodontist's daughter was working in the office and she snipped the new wires on the teeth and left them up, so that when I closed my mouth, it turned to hamburger. He was insanely mean and unfriendly; all the kids at school who went to the other orthodontist in town were happy; none of the kids who went to Dr. C were, like me. I very well remember him screaming at me with red-faced rage on my birthday.

The thing is, no one ever told me, when I was young and didn't know about these things, that stopping wearing my retainer would allow my teeth to shift out of line. When I got my wisdom teeth out, for some reason, I took a really long time to heal, and when I tried to put my retainer in (I was about 19 then), it wouldn't go. So I stopped. Not one person ever told me that would be a bad thing eventually, and over the years, my teeth just got worse and worse. I don't have the money, but I understand their concern -- it's affecting my bite now and could fracture my front tooth that's hitting my bottom one. So now I'm looking at the possibility of getting braces, at my age. What fun. I know it's not that uncommon, it's just that geez, I didn't think this year could get any worse with facing the big Five-O alone. Gah. It's not cosmetic, it's just totally about the bite -- when you're this ugly, what difference does having crooked teeth make? I really don't want to do this but he was really urging me, and now my dad is too.

- Also found out that I have no bicuspids. All these years, and no one has ever mentioned to me that I'm missing quite a lot of teeth. My mouth is very small (I know! it's the funniest thing ever!) and I asked Dad if he remembered them pulling teeth when I was little because it was so small, and he said sis_r and I both had quite a lot of teeth pulled, before they ever looked at taking out the wisdom teeth. So decades have gone by without me even knowing I had fewer teeth than most people.

- Saw that infamously leaked copy of the koffxmencharacterkoff summer blockbuster sort of by accident. Interesting.

- Saw Fast & Furious, but only once, since I couldn't make it again this morning. I was nervous, I admit. My stomach was in knots, because I have invested so much love and attention to this fandom and I was really afraid it was going to be a mockery of my fandom. But you know, it turned out pretty damn good. I have a lot of things I want to say about it, but whether I find the time to, I don't know. The thing I think I loved most about it is that they didn't even try to pretend that it isn't a gay love story about a cop and his bad-boy boyfriend. I know there are people who can't see this, but those are also the kind of people who need warnings on their bag of peanuts that they "may contain peanuts."

- Finally finished clipping for my Club VV vid. It has taken me for fucking ever because first there was a job, then there was a presentation at a conference, then there was getting ready for class... I finally started the actual vidding process tonight and I have a whole 46 seconds that only mildly suck. I like the song I'm doing (Golden Earring's Twilight Zone, for Charlie Jade), but I have the distinct feeling I'm going to hate it like mad when I'm finished.

- Speaking of vidding for VVC, kadymae bought me in the Auction for $400 freaking dollars. Whoa, do I feel like I better give her a good show. And she wants something Fast and the Furious related. Whee!

- And then, speaking of class, this year I'm doing a lot more behind the scenes work for the class than ever. I'm still not sure about all the group, but they do seem like interesting people. I think some students want something from the class it's not designed for. That's worrisome. I guess we'll see how it shakes out. I feel like such a fraud teaching them about starting careers in editing and guiding them in the work experience when I'm such a loser in the work dept. But I guess I talk a good game.

- It seems like in the past few days about 80% of my flist has announced their dreamwidth account. And then they always seem to disclaim it's not a cool kids club or clique. Which amuses me -- they do this about the Archive of Our Own, too. It seems like everyone has an invite code who's anybody or beta access or what have you -- and it's easy to say it's not a club when you're, you know, in it. People are weird. I'm very interested in trying it out even though I have no real intentions to move house (when it's in open beta, I guess, since I'm in the great unwashed, dontcha know) unless i have a really overwhelming reason to do so. There's so much here that I doubt will move, that I'm unlikely to want to do anything drastic.