The last page
May. 19th, 2003 01:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynI've been reading a little about how various people plan to watch the last episode of Buffy and how they think they'll react; and also responses to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tzikeh's meme about first fandoms. My first real true fandom would probably be The Professionals. I'd watched a lot of things before then, been really into them, but none where I wrote little stories about the characters and collected fan club stuff and whatnot. Which wasn't an easy thing to do -- I watched it on Candanian TV in 1978, where it became a Friday at 12:30 a.m. ritual at my second family's house, but there was no sign of it in the US. Unlike The New Avengers, it didn't get any shot at US fame except, apparently, a brief run in the wee hours in Dallas of all places. Or something. We had to send away to London to join the fan club, and pay all that extra postage for silly things like poster of the lads or belt clips or whatnot. For decades I thought I was alone, asking at SF cons if anyone knew of it, until I stumbled on some art and zines at a Westercon and realized there might just be actual fans in this country. Thus my introduction to media fandom, and slash, because Pros was primarily slash. In the intervening years I'd had many fannish shows, but Pros was the once and future fandom for me, and still is in some ways.
Which leads me to thinking about Buffy and the end, though I get there in a rather circuitous way. As crazed as I've been about certain shows, I've never had one end the way this has. Going out intentionally (even though I don't feel they've had sufficient time to really cleanly wrap up stories), going out when it didn't suck beyond reason, going out with most of the cast intact, mostly, going out when I'm probably more fannish about it than ever. In the past, my shows were either cancelled, deteriorating, significantly different, or whatever. I was still into them, but not with the enthusiasm that I have had for Buffy. This may have come along late in the fannish timeline for me, but it's probably the highest spike (har har) on the chart in terms of overall feeling since Pros.
I know some feel it's not a good show anymore and gave up on it. I know some hate a lot of the characters and the stories. I know not everyone can be happy, so I don't worry about those people (plus, I'm still at L'Hotel du Pillow). I mostly worry about people like me, who love everything about it, even when it's bad or infuriating or stupid. We're the ones who are going to feel like we've lost our best friends. Who are going to find a huge hole on Tuesday nights that Gilmore Girls or Smallville won't fill. I do feel as if I've lost my best friend, because Buffy is such a part of my life that I feel like I know her. I'm interested in what happens to her and her friends. No matter how bad an episode is, I still feel like it's better than anything else on TV. I love Angel, but I don't care about the show with the grand passion I've felt for Buffy. There was something deeper in it, something about her struggle that reached inside me far more effectively than anything else ever has. While working on this vid I mentioned, I had to work on the clips from Becoming where Buffy kills Angel. Now, I've seen those eps about 60 times -- no exaggeration. And watched that scene even more while vidding. And I still cry. Every freaking time. That says, to me, everything about this show -- that I can watch something over and over, and it still affects me the way it did the first time.
And I feel such an impending sense of loss. I'm already weepy about it. I still have some Valium left over from my last dentist appointment, and I think I might actually take that. I will have Kleenex. And the cat, though she gets upset when I scream at the tv. I wish I could invite someone over, but I know no one who feels like I do about it, and even if I did, I'd probably be terrible company.
This will be the last page of a book I've carried with me for seven years, that means more to me than just a fandom. It's all the people I've met connected with it, it's the feelings and creativity engendered in me from watching it, it's the hours of laughter and tears I felt. It's like family. What I want won't happen, what I wish for won't happen, but it's still ending on a higher note than anything I've ever cared about before. It's not the once and future fandom; it's the eternal fandom.
ETA: You know, if this is anything like last week, and I assume it will be, I will have to tape 24 because I won't be able to concentrate on anything else. I'll probably try to get on AIM if anyone would like to talk me down from the suicide ledge -- my AIM id is emcat8. I'd love it if you're in a chat and picked me up, or conversely, tell me your id and I can ping you.
tzikeh's meme about first fandoms. My first real true fandom would probably be The Professionals. I'd watched a lot of things before then, been really into them, but none where I wrote little stories about the characters and collected fan club stuff and whatnot. Which wasn't an easy thing to do -- I watched it on Candanian TV in 1978, where it became a Friday at 12:30 a.m. ritual at my second family's house, but there was no sign of it in the US. Unlike The New Avengers, it didn't get any shot at US fame except, apparently, a brief run in the wee hours in Dallas of all places. Or something. We had to send away to London to join the fan club, and pay all that extra postage for silly things like poster of the lads or belt clips or whatnot. For decades I thought I was alone, asking at SF cons if anyone knew of it, until I stumbled on some art and zines at a Westercon and realized there might just be actual fans in this country. Thus my introduction to media fandom, and slash, because Pros was primarily slash. In the intervening years I'd had many fannish shows, but Pros was the once and future fandom for me, and still is in some ways.Which leads me to thinking about Buffy and the end, though I get there in a rather circuitous way. As crazed as I've been about certain shows, I've never had one end the way this has. Going out intentionally (even though I don't feel they've had sufficient time to really cleanly wrap up stories), going out when it didn't suck beyond reason, going out with most of the cast intact, mostly, going out when I'm probably more fannish about it than ever. In the past, my shows were either cancelled, deteriorating, significantly different, or whatever. I was still into them, but not with the enthusiasm that I have had for Buffy. This may have come along late in the fannish timeline for me, but it's probably the highest spike (har har) on the chart in terms of overall feeling since Pros.
I know some feel it's not a good show anymore and gave up on it. I know some hate a lot of the characters and the stories. I know not everyone can be happy, so I don't worry about those people (plus, I'm still at L'Hotel du Pillow). I mostly worry about people like me, who love everything about it, even when it's bad or infuriating or stupid. We're the ones who are going to feel like we've lost our best friends. Who are going to find a huge hole on Tuesday nights that Gilmore Girls or Smallville won't fill. I do feel as if I've lost my best friend, because Buffy is such a part of my life that I feel like I know her. I'm interested in what happens to her and her friends. No matter how bad an episode is, I still feel like it's better than anything else on TV. I love Angel, but I don't care about the show with the grand passion I've felt for Buffy. There was something deeper in it, something about her struggle that reached inside me far more effectively than anything else ever has. While working on this vid I mentioned, I had to work on the clips from Becoming where Buffy kills Angel. Now, I've seen those eps about 60 times -- no exaggeration. And watched that scene even more while vidding. And I still cry. Every freaking time. That says, to me, everything about this show -- that I can watch something over and over, and it still affects me the way it did the first time.
And I feel such an impending sense of loss. I'm already weepy about it. I still have some Valium left over from my last dentist appointment, and I think I might actually take that. I will have Kleenex. And the cat, though she gets upset when I scream at the tv. I wish I could invite someone over, but I know no one who feels like I do about it, and even if I did, I'd probably be terrible company.
This will be the last page of a book I've carried with me for seven years, that means more to me than just a fandom. It's all the people I've met connected with it, it's the feelings and creativity engendered in me from watching it, it's the hours of laughter and tears I felt. It's like family. What I want won't happen, what I wish for won't happen, but it's still ending on a higher note than anything I've ever cared about before. It's not the once and future fandom; it's the eternal fandom.
ETA: You know, if this is anything like last week, and I assume it will be, I will have to tape 24 because I won't be able to concentrate on anything else. I'll probably try to get on AIM if anyone would like to talk me down from the suicide ledge -- my AIM id is emcat8. I'd love it if you're in a chat and picked me up, or conversely, tell me your id and I can ping you.
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no subject
Date: 2003-05-19 02:15 pm (UTC)I hear you. It's weird-- part of me is embarassed about feeling this way with a TV show, for God's sake, but then again, I have invested this huge amount of emotions, ideas, and efforts into BtVS; it should be more of a suprise if I could just shrug and walk away. 'tis only a small consolation, if at all; and yet-- this show has given me so much, as corny as it sounds: lots of love, hope, thrill, fun, and new friends who've sent me postcards, huge parcels with sweets, Angel tapes, and who I will go to visit after my exams. This
I'm already weepy about it. I still have some Valium left over from my last dentist appointment, and I think I might actually take that. I will have Kleenex. And the cat, though she gets upset when I scream at the tv. I wish I could invite someone over, but I know no one who feels like I do about it, and even if I did, I'd probably be terrible company.
I doubt it, Gwyn-- really wish I could come by, or vice versa. & :-)
All the best, and feel free to mail me after you've watched it; can't promise I'll have watched it, but I love hearing from you.
Cheers,
Mona
no subject
Date: 2003-05-19 02:24 pm (UTC)Wanted to put your words into italics and, above, finish
it with "This is a lot."
& :-)
no subject
Date: 2003-05-19 03:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-19 07:00 pm (UTC)Pft. Most of us have one, we just chose to enrich it! & ;-) (Just comin' back from a huge opportunity to-- well-- screw it up, I guess...)
We do more with it, we're more invested in it than the casual viewer; I figure we're entitled to have a hard time losing what we've put so much energy into. ;-)
Word, word. As I said, it would be stranger a reaction if we didn't really feel anything profound after all these years-- especially true for you as a writer.
Oh, and I still read Somniloquy from time to time I want to be moved by the dark loveliness that's Spike and Buffy...
no subject
Date: 2003-05-19 11:38 pm (UTC)Oh, precisely. This realization hit me on that awful day I stole a few online minutes at work, and was confronted with one of Yahoo!'s breaking news stories: that this season would be the show's last. I knew it was coming but it was a fist to the gut nonetheless.
'Buffy' is something I've wrapped myself in. It's the first fandom that I've really acknowledged (no doubt because of the huge support community on the web). And yeah, I've been frustrated at times; felt that some characters were betrayed or neglected. But Buffy and Willow and Xander (and that blonde vampire, what's-his-name), the high school library, the Sun Cinema, 1630 Revello Drive -- they all feel as vibrant and real to me as if they, you know...were. There's a Sunnydale in my brain that exists 24/7. I'm not sure I can give it up.
Tomorrow will hurt. I've already admitted to myself that I'm going to grieve. At least I've gotten past that petulant-child, foot-stomping, "I don' want it to end!" phase. Um, mostly. My AIM screen name is The Oinklet, and though we've never really corresponded you're more than welcome to message me. I've got mini chocolate-chip cookies and in this time of crisis I'm willing to share.
no subject
Date: 2003-05-20 10:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-05-20 07:12 am (UTC)It's not the once and future fandom; it's the eternal fandom.
Well, Joss certainly created something that will be debated, discussed, analyzed and adored for years. By me and many, many, many others.
Damn, now I'm getting weepy.