Can I see some ID, please?

Big long ramblng post with spoilers from this season of Buffy

Earlier this journal, I blathered on about how I saw this season of Buffy as being about a search for identity. I know ME have said it’s about going back to the beginning, and girl power, and all that, but the more episodes I watch, the more I become convinced that underneath it all they’re taking what’s been an underlying, tertiary theme about identity that’s run through the course of the show, especially second season, and making it a primary focus — even if they don’t know it. And of course, this is my pet theory (which is to say that it is mine, this theory, ahem, the theory that is mine, and it is my theory, ahem), so I see it everywhere, even if a) it has nothing to do with their show and b) I’m full of shit (people who’ve read me droning on and on about it are probably going “will you please SHUT UP!” in an Andrew-like voice).

Watching Beneath You again last night (not that I’ve, uh, not watched it in the intervening time since it first aired, of course... it has nothing to do with the blue shirt or the shirtlessness. Nothing. Seriously.) after Never Leave Me really just convinces me, in my hermetic little existence where My Opinion Counts, that they’re all going through different identity issues, and as they each develop more fully into the characters they are now as adults (or souled creatures, or ex-demons, what have you), they will be more competent and capable of handling the big evil that’s a-brewin’ in Sunnydale. It’s this search for identity that’s leading them to be more open with each other, to help each other, to understand how to fight together and make a difference.

Start with Buffy. In Beneath You she was confronted with Spike acting differently, trying to be good, etc., and there was the attempted rape history between them, which in a lot of ways put up a barrier to her being completely able to act on the intentions she had of being a better person and embracing life again in Grave — her trauma caused her to keep things to herself, to be ready to make conclusions, etc. Throughout the show, she’s struggled with her identity — her desire for a normal life, her desire for love, to be who she is, to not be subsumed into the slayer identity — has fueled most of the storyline. Coming back from the dead against her will was only part of what drove her to the nadir of her existence last year; in many ways, this has been building with her for a long time, and the double blow of losing her mother and then her own death and reluctant resurrection, added extra helpings of misery to something she’s battled with since the beginning. At the end of S2, when she left town, she felt like she had hit the bottom of her existence, and no longer knew who she was anymore — she ran away from everything, she called herself by a different name (although still part of hers), she tried to reject the identity of Chosen One. It wasn’t until she had to to save others that she identified herself as Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.

So everyone sort of losing track of themselves in S6 only left Buffy further adrift, something she’s shown a propensity to do when the opportunity presents. She no longer knew Willow or Xander, lost the anchor of Giles, her sister rejected her, and Spike turned everything upside down by being her friend and confidant. In NLM, when she says that she is not the girl he described, not the girl who hates herself and wants men to treat her badly, that she no longer hates herself or anyone like that, “not anymore,” it’s a true declaration of identity. She claims Spike doesn’t know her, or himself, and she’s right of course (more on him later), because for the first time, she actually knows herself better than anyone else does. For most of the show, she’s seen herself through others’ eyes and expectations, and through her role as Slayer, but now she’s standing up and saying, I’ve found my identity and I know myself well enough to see you.

And Spike never really saw himself, either, and certainly very recently couldn’t because of the torment he’s been going through, except on the surface. He had a very strong identity in the beginning (the big bad, slayer of slayers, a vampire image he created out of whole cloth), but after the chip and the forced removal of that surface image, he’s been adrift and searching for his own sense of self — and last year ended up realizing just how much he didn’t want that. Now, of course, he’s still searching, which was so poignantly made clear in BY and NLM, only he has to sort through extra messages he never had to before. As a vampire, even a chipped one, it was simple; with a soul and being tormented by a larger force, it’s hard for him to separate his identity from the ones being filtered back at him. That’s why he needs Buffy and others to tell him who his because he can’t really see what he used to.

He was good at self-reflection on the outside. That’s what made him funny, too — “And you’re, what? Shocked and disappointed? I’m evil.” Even now, he’s great at those hilarious surface observations — “Well, yes, where have you been all night?” when asked if he’s completely lost his mind. He’s got a terribly conflicted sense of self right now, through too many outside factors. He sees himself in the depths of his insanity as Buffy’s sex toy, degraded to worst degree; later he sees himself as a killer again; and now in NLM he sees himself as a potential threat that must be stopped, so he grabs at what little identity he can retain from his previous associations with Buffy, hoping it will be enough to make her kill him (what he’s done to girls in the past, how long it takes to kill).

In the past, he didn’t see all of Buffy, even if he did see more of her than she could about herself (his gift has always been his perspicacity about others, which he used to violent advantage), because he was blinded by his feelings and his desires. The last few years, he’s bounced back and forth between identities, trying to figure out where he fits in, and how to accommodate the persona he created for himself, as well as the vestigial bits of William still left in him (it’s always bothered me that so many people, coming into Buffy through FX repeats, have only seen eps where they cut out so many crucial things, especially Angel’s comment in Doppelgangland that it’s not entirely true that the human persona is no longer resident inside a vampire — I’ve always felt that was a critical part of what makes Spike overcompensate in so many things, because he’s trying to smother any traces of Williamness). He’s been all over the map, and now he’s battling the overwhelming guilt and misery of the soul, so his search for who he is may be the hardest of all the main characters — he not only has to overcome everything he used to be, he has to figure out who he wants to be, and he hasn’t got the ability to sort through that now. And if Buffy and Co. don’t get him back from the first evil, then he may not be able to find the heroic identity I think he wants — but I do think they will get him back.

It seems to me that the FE wouldn’t go after Spike, wouldn’t care, if he wasn’t supposed to play some crucial part against it. It went after Angel, too, and clearly, it believes there’s an order to evil, a standard, and both Spike and Angel violated that — Spike even more so because he did it of his own free will. He’s messed up the order of the universe, and allied with the slayer, has the potential to forge an identity that could be a genuine threat. Why else go after one measly vampire? Why else torment Angel into killing Buffy, the first time it showed up in Amends? There must be some greater threat of a souled vampire with a strong sense of his role in the scheme of things than we know yet.

Willow also will be a powerful force if she becomes stronger in her sense of self. We’ve watched Willow change dramatically over the years, and she still battles her lack of a vision of who she is vs. who she wants to be (most obviously in her nightmares in Restless), but in NLM we got a glimpse not just of old Willow (funny, sweet, scared, strong), but a new Willow who is starting to understand both her power and her weaknesses. Her hilarious haranguing of Andrew contained some wonderful old Willow bits (“Okay?”), but some nice bits of insight into her more accepting sense of what the witchcraft means to her (“a... witch, more accurately”). She knows now that she is a witch, that she’s powerful, and that she has a part to play, and will always have to battle her desire for power with her desire to do good. In S3, when she made the decision to stay in Sunnydale so she could help in the fight against evil, she took her first steps towards becoming the person she is still growing into. What happened to her last year happened because of a lot of factors, many of which grew out of her self-denial about just how truly powerful she is just as a person (not the wimpy girl she was). She knows that now, and can move on to accepting that and learning to control and use it.

I’m so happy to see the changes in Xander and the identity he’s forging. Comparing him in BY to NLM is just so amazing. In BY, he’s in full demon-hate mode, full anti-Spike mode, ready to assume the worst about both Spike and Anya, being the judgmental ass he can be at times, not wanting to admit his responsibility in the destruction of Anya’s life, and coming down hard on Buffy when she doesn’t tell them about Spike. (And as a side note, I always wonder why no one seems to remember that Xander tried to sexually assault Buffy in The Pack. Yeah, he was possessed by a demon, but... so was Spike, in a sense, as a vampire.) On the Crumbling Walls message board, rashaka said something about Xander in a discussion of him that I loved: that he represents both the best and the worst of human nature. He can be loyal, loving, giving, and strong to his friends, and also can be prejudiced, deceitful, selfish, and bigoted. What’s fascinating to watch in the past few eps since BY, and culminating in NLM, is that he’s seeing multiple sides now, he’s understanding that on the surface, what a person seems to be can be radically different from what they really are. He learned a lot in Selfless and is continuing to learn that he’s become a different person. His conversation with Andrew, about the man without the heart, is indicative of his acceptance and understanding that he has behaved wrongly, and been wronged, and that as a person he can rise above that. Xander is growing more successful in business, and may yet prove successful in many arenas, as he slowly develops a deeper understanding of his place in this weird world of the Scoobies and fighting evil, and just how much he has to offer. I loved it that he just smiled when Andrew called him “Carpenter”, whereas younger Xander might have whacked him with the stick or taken issue with it. Xander is learning who he is, and he’s getting comfortable with that guy.

And Giles... Even though we haven’t seen Giles much yet this year, I know we will (oh come on. Giles’s head exists to be messed with, either by blunt instruments or unruly demons. He’ll keep it and be fine, I have no doubt), and we’ll see more of the new Giles we got a glimpse of in Lessons. First Giles’s identity was tied up in being a watcher, then in his not being a watcher (look at how easily Spike messed with that in Yoko Factor), and culminating last year in his leaving Buffy because he no longer felt he had a purpose. In some ways, his struggle to find his right place has been longer than Buffy’s or Spike’s, just because he’s so much the outsider in every respect with his age, his nationality, his duty, his education and background. When all that defined him was taken away from him, he felt purposeless, misused. Coming back to battle dark Willow in some ways showed him a different purpose, a new sense of self, as one who could both return to counseling the younger people on their new paths, and take a new role of being in charge of all things supernatural and mustering the forces that will fight true evil. If the Council is really gone, Giles may be the remaining link to the knowledge and capabilities of an organized society to fight evil. Everything he’s done with the coven regarding Willow, everything he’s learned as watcher to the most successful of slayers, will become crucial in his new identity.

Even Andrew and Dawn, in some respects both blank slates who are in the process of being filled in, are involved in this search for identity. Dawn is coming into her own, becoming more self-possessed and self-reliant. Andrew, essentially a non-entity, is clearly playing a slightly more important role, and will have to figure out who he is beyond simply follower of Warren, or even of Jonathan. Because no one can remember what’s his name, because he seems so harmless and uninvolving, as he tries to forge a personality of his own he could play a role. He can’t yet see that inside himself, he seems lost without someone to follow or to obsess on, but his survival right now depends on him actually finding whoever the real Andrew is — and possibly the Scoobies’ survival depends on it too. Who knows? And Anya — well, Selfless was all about that, and we know where she is in her identity search now.

Knowing who you are and what you have inside you is going to be vital in facing a powerful enemy. By each of them coming to terms with their new selves, or even understanding that they have new selves, they become more powerful as a group. Doubt and fear will be harder for the FE to sow, as it has with Spike so successfully by preying on his misery and incapacity (which we already saw in Conversations with Dead People), and when each of them knows their place in the scheme of things, rather than doubts they have anything to offer, they will know what role to enact. In Amends, the FE used Angel’s dichotomy of Angelus/Angel and his past as fodder to achieve its purposes. Angel’s sense of identity was badly mangled after coming back from hell and being Angelus. The FE knows now, it’s learned the lesson of how to work these people. It might not be prepared for people fighting back, for being “out of order” and knowing themselves enough to know how to stand up against it.

I can’t wait to see where each of these characters goes now, as they develop even more. Watching them change, seeing who they’re becoming, is a wonderful thrill ride I wouldn’t miss for the world.