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I am, essentially, a very lazy person. This is a problem only because I am also a restless person who cannot sit still for the length of time it takes to watch a sweeping sword-and-sandals epic, or Shakespearean tragedy in four parts, and I'm anti-procrastination (Just get it out of the way, is my motto, and then it won't be hanging over your head), and can't stand to not be doing something creative. Imagine the chaos in my brain.
But this is why work is such a negative experience for me. My lazy person, who in my brain is always lounging around with a frosty Pepsi in one hand and a TV remote in the other, doesn't want to do it, but the rest of me knows it needs money for stuff, stuff to actually survive on, and it doesn't want to dick around about it. It wants to get the job done, and done right.
I had an epiphany the other night, where I finally figured out why I have been so lazy and procrastinatey about getting my act together on the hunt for a new job, or even just to figure out what I want to do. My sister was like this, one of the ways in which we were very twinlike, and I realized while I was driving around (where all my great revelations come, either in the car or the shower) that I have never gone through a job change, positive or negative, without sis_r. She has always been there to commiserate, berate, chastise, boss me around, bitch me out, and otherwise motivate me if the lazy side of our personalities took over. We also both had the Big Emotions -- something many of my friends hate about me -- and when we're down about job things, we're really down, and I haven't quite figured out how to get past this without her.
I know it comes down to making myself take that part of the twinness and do it myself, but that's an easy statement to make and one that doesn't really work the way I believe most of my friends want it to. I have said before that in the way I don't know what it's like to not be a twin, other people who often have advice for me don't know what it's like to be one, and to lose that other half of your mind and your soul, and a half that was often important in how you coped with problems. A lot of my coping skills died with sis_r, I think.
I'm taking baby steps on the job thing, but I have a feeling that until my end date next week, I'm still going to be in the baby steps mode. I have a lot of people interested in my possible freelance help, and I'm actively looking into the potential to balance doing freelance at home (book stuff) and freelance in the agency world, when they have crunch projects. I don't know, but I'll see.
And today I was contacted by a French photography agency who so liked my very simple edits on this little intro text for a video program that they wanted to work with me full-time, until I had to tell them I was leaving. She asked if I'd be interested in a short-term project with fast-turnaround, short pieces, and I said indeed. I will see where it goes, but it at the very least made me feel good about myself at a time when every day I feel more and more ground down by my colleagues here. There are times I know I will really miss the job itself, not just the working at home for a steady paycheck (like yesterday, when I was editing some pieces by Andrew McCarthy (yes, he of Pretty in Pink and Weekend at Bernie's and St. Elmo's Fire), but when I don't have to work late on SuperTuesday nights or stay home all weekend to keep updating on hurricane conditions, that will be fine.
I'm a bit nervous about the details of the freelance life. All my freelance work has been through individual contact, and such businessy details as billing and setting page rates and even--gasp!--international billing are going to be hard for me to get a handle on. I'm a word person, not a business person! But I know a lot of people who will guide me, hopefully, and a tax person who can help me with all that. So I will wait and see. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't. I'm trying to worry less, even though it's so deeply ingrained in me that it's like my eye color. Sis_r was a more productive worrier; she didn't fret and stew so much as fiddle and plan. I'm trying to pick up some of those pieces, the ones that got broken when she left, and use them for myself.
It's very scary, and even scarier to do it without her, but at least now I've figured out where it's coming from. And hey, the Frenchies like me!
On a related note, a lot of you gave me some interesting info about the whole domain/web site thing. I'm not sure I understood a lot of what people mentioned (I'm surprised I know how to turn on a computer sometimes), but I'm trying to nail down some things. I guess I must have been really overcharged when I first bought the domain for my vids page, because I paid way more than just $9 or whatever people mentioned for that. But if I can get a domain and some space, which might be possible through some friends, I think the biggest issue I may have is what to do about my email. I have a yahoo address for work things, but I really dislike web mail programs, a lot. Ideally I wish I could DL mail through my Mac Mail program on my desktop, but I get only one ID through my ISP and I don't want to either have people see my fan names, or get them confused because they don't understand who the mail is coming from. I have a feeling someone I know will know something about that, though. Someway, someday, I will get some of this straightened out. I think. I hope.
But this is why work is such a negative experience for me. My lazy person, who in my brain is always lounging around with a frosty Pepsi in one hand and a TV remote in the other, doesn't want to do it, but the rest of me knows it needs money for stuff, stuff to actually survive on, and it doesn't want to dick around about it. It wants to get the job done, and done right.
I had an epiphany the other night, where I finally figured out why I have been so lazy and procrastinatey about getting my act together on the hunt for a new job, or even just to figure out what I want to do. My sister was like this, one of the ways in which we were very twinlike, and I realized while I was driving around (where all my great revelations come, either in the car or the shower) that I have never gone through a job change, positive or negative, without sis_r. She has always been there to commiserate, berate, chastise, boss me around, bitch me out, and otherwise motivate me if the lazy side of our personalities took over. We also both had the Big Emotions -- something many of my friends hate about me -- and when we're down about job things, we're really down, and I haven't quite figured out how to get past this without her.
I know it comes down to making myself take that part of the twinness and do it myself, but that's an easy statement to make and one that doesn't really work the way I believe most of my friends want it to. I have said before that in the way I don't know what it's like to not be a twin, other people who often have advice for me don't know what it's like to be one, and to lose that other half of your mind and your soul, and a half that was often important in how you coped with problems. A lot of my coping skills died with sis_r, I think.
I'm taking baby steps on the job thing, but I have a feeling that until my end date next week, I'm still going to be in the baby steps mode. I have a lot of people interested in my possible freelance help, and I'm actively looking into the potential to balance doing freelance at home (book stuff) and freelance in the agency world, when they have crunch projects. I don't know, but I'll see.
And today I was contacted by a French photography agency who so liked my very simple edits on this little intro text for a video program that they wanted to work with me full-time, until I had to tell them I was leaving. She asked if I'd be interested in a short-term project with fast-turnaround, short pieces, and I said indeed. I will see where it goes, but it at the very least made me feel good about myself at a time when every day I feel more and more ground down by my colleagues here. There are times I know I will really miss the job itself, not just the working at home for a steady paycheck (like yesterday, when I was editing some pieces by Andrew McCarthy (yes, he of Pretty in Pink and Weekend at Bernie's and St. Elmo's Fire), but when I don't have to work late on SuperTuesday nights or stay home all weekend to keep updating on hurricane conditions, that will be fine.
I'm a bit nervous about the details of the freelance life. All my freelance work has been through individual contact, and such businessy details as billing and setting page rates and even--gasp!--international billing are going to be hard for me to get a handle on. I'm a word person, not a business person! But I know a lot of people who will guide me, hopefully, and a tax person who can help me with all that. So I will wait and see. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't. I'm trying to worry less, even though it's so deeply ingrained in me that it's like my eye color. Sis_r was a more productive worrier; she didn't fret and stew so much as fiddle and plan. I'm trying to pick up some of those pieces, the ones that got broken when she left, and use them for myself.
It's very scary, and even scarier to do it without her, but at least now I've figured out where it's coming from. And hey, the Frenchies like me!
On a related note, a lot of you gave me some interesting info about the whole domain/web site thing. I'm not sure I understood a lot of what people mentioned (I'm surprised I know how to turn on a computer sometimes), but I'm trying to nail down some things. I guess I must have been really overcharged when I first bought the domain for my vids page, because I paid way more than just $9 or whatever people mentioned for that. But if I can get a domain and some space, which might be possible through some friends, I think the biggest issue I may have is what to do about my email. I have a yahoo address for work things, but I really dislike web mail programs, a lot. Ideally I wish I could DL mail through my Mac Mail program on my desktop, but I get only one ID through my ISP and I don't want to either have people see my fan names, or get them confused because they don't understand who the mail is coming from. I have a feeling someone I know will know something about that, though. Someway, someday, I will get some of this straightened out. I think. I hope.
