miss mary sunshine my ass

[gwyn]

You know, I'm not the nicest person in the world, and I know that. There are certain people -- family, fellow fans -- who love to tell me I'm a horrid bitch and that something needs to be done about me. Which is fine, you know, I'm okay with that, we all have out little problems, and if accepting one's Bitch status is enough for Lilah, then it's good enough for me.

But a little over a year ago, I decided that even gafiating largely from fandom hadn't made me any happier than being in it, and I was going to have to change my 'tude a little if I wanted to stop being so miserable. There were people in fandom I really disliked, and I decided I would find a way to get along with them. And weirdly, it worked to some degree; and in a couple cases I found a really nice friendship with those people. Not everything's perfect, but hey, it's better than before.

And I decided that if I wanted to change my relationships with fans and not always be getting into fights, I had to show a different face to people -- the nice face that I thought I had, but that none of the people I knew ever seemed to acknowledge or talk about. They only ever talked about the bitch face. So I started getting involved on e-mail lists again, and posting, and when I posted, I wanted to be more postive. A lot of times it worked, to my surprise. People who didn't know me actually sometimes thought I wasn't Evil. Again, it didn't always work, but I know few people who are 100% positive, and I learned a quick lesson that some of the lists where I felt I was among friends were the most dangerous to post honestly to. Lesson learned, moved on.

And I discovered a couple things in doing all this -- one was that, people get to know you one way, and they are reluctant to change their minds about you. Very few people will give you a chance to prove yourself otherwise in their eyes. Another thing I learned is that there's a hell of a lot of folks who think that if you're not the way they are, and the way they believe you should be, then all the change in the world won't matter -- you still suck. But you can't do anything about those folks.

And the last thing I learned is that you can be as positive as you want to, encouraging as you want to, and it doesn't matter when you find yourself up against a snot-nosed brat who's determined to be Miss Pissypants. You can't fight someone who's hell-bent on being a crappy person, no matter how much sugar you pour on them. I spent a long time framing an e-mail on a list today that I hoped would encourage someone, and her response just floored me with its spoiled-brat crappiness. There's no way to help someone be happy when they're determined to be not just unhappy, but pouty and childish about it, too. I don't know why I was so frustated; maybe because I did spend a long time trying to write that mail in a way I thought might be encouraging. It could very well be that I'd failed, and did a miserable job, I don't know -- but it just leaves me flummoxed, nonetheless.

I guess it's my weird issue with wanting to make everyone's lives run well. I want everyone to be happy in a way I haven't always had the chance to be. And I'm still often unhappy, often down and pouty and all the other things people are in regular life. But usually, if someone's trying to help me -- at least these days -- and perk me up, I try not to pee all over them for doing it. I just Do Not Understand. I'm about as Eyore-ish as a human being can get, but if you go in expecting to be pissed off and miserable, it's a pretty sure bet you'll be pissed off and miserable, non? Not every situation is going to be a happy one, but if you can tell people are trying to be supportive, why bite the hand that's feeding you some crumbs of positivity? I find this just baffling, and I know I'm going to be chewing on this on the bus ride home.

And worse, in being Miss Pissypants and staking her claim in the who's more negative sweepstakes, she insulted someone who I think is talented. Grrrr. Okay, /rant.

I'm repeating S's mantra: My, you're a pinhead, aren't you? All the way home.

Comments

[harmonyfb.livejournal.com]

Gwyn, not only do I not think you're eeeeeevil! (goodness - you aren't even very bitchy, by my acquaintances' standards), but I'd be fine with any grammatical corrections you might choose to remark upon vis-a-vis my writing. :)

Yes, It *Is* A Good Day

[morgandawn.livejournal.com]

I like the new you. It's improved, brighter, and just so much gosh diddly-darned fun. :-) The Way of Relentless Positiveness needs to be enshrined into a new religion. Oh wait, wasn't that the Moonies?

I like your taxonomy: From the "You'll Never Change" crowd, to the "Hey You've Changed And I Don't Like You Anymore" cliques, to the "Why Bother Changing" pissypants – it seems to be a comprehensive overview of tetchiness.

I also like what you said about not understanding why some cannot look up from the dark colored crayons they're painting their life with and entertain the possibility that someone might be trying to hand them the sun flower yellow crayon. I think, as you point out, it is hard to change your perception of others, just as it is hard to change your own thought/behavior patterns.

The changes I have made to my person have been directed from within. I make them because I want to be a better person or a happier person or a person who lives up to my desired values. The adjustments are always hard and often I feel like I've not made much progress. But I cannot measure my success (or failure) against other people's perceptions of me. First off, they do not see all of me. Second, they do not live inside my head, so they cannot know what my real intentions were/are. And lastly, very few people have a hotline to absolute truth.

Still, as my mother always helpfully points out, you can always take a break from perfection after you're dead.

Hey, now that's a positive thought.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

It is difficult being positive when faced with extreme negativity. Part of Buddhism is Right Speech, and it's a fucker, it really is. It's hard enough when you're with friends who understand what you're trying to do and why you're trying to do it--i.e., you're not being a Pollyanna, and you're (at least *trying*) not judging people. Sometimes I think that's particularly difficult in fandom, where some folks put so much emphasis on snark for snark's sake, where people are deliberately mean and nasty about stuff. There are people I've taken off my friends list because they were so overwhelmingly negative or bitchy that I felt they were making my practice much more difficult.

I haven't known you that long, so I can't attest to your supposed former bitchiness (although I know you've mentioned it to me more than once ;-)). Since I've known you--what, close to a year now, I'm guessing?--you've been someone I'm more than glad to see on my friends list. I love your episode reviews, I love your grammar posts, and I love your stories--and none of it has struck me as the least bit bitchy or mean. And I think you know I mean it when I tell you that I very sincerely appreciate, enjoy, and admire that.

*hugs*

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

eh...what shell said... ? ... :-)

seriously, i haven't been around that long and have had v. little exposure but even i had to learn that i can't be friends with everyone...some people's view of the world or way of arguing is just so problematic to me that silence seems the best answer...beside that i just always try to (though i do not always succeed) focus on all the great people...

so, i like your post and everything it says...and yes, once someone has formed an opinion it is incredibly hard to change (which is why i start every semester off as a complete hardass though i'm actually a total pushover...yet my reputation remains unspoiled :-)

[klia.livejournal.com]

I spent a long time framing an e-mail on a list today that I hoped would encourage someone, and her response just floored me with its spoiled-brat crappiness. There's no way to help someone be happy when they're determined to be not just unhappy, but pouty and childish about it, too.

It's true, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, or is determined to be negative. Not to go all Gandhi on you, but, well, it's a really difficult thing for me to remember at crucial times, but we've none of us ever walked one step in anyone else's shoes but our own. We never know what's going on in another person's head or life to make them feel so bad that they need to lash out at others in a crappy way, even those trying to help, but they're usually so down on themselves at that moment, they simply can't see anything positive. Plus, lots of clinically depressed people walk around never realizing, especially this time of year, when seasonal depression is at its peak. So, I guess what I'm doing is urging you to turn the other cheek, as you've been doing so well. And email the person privately and let them know they upset you. I'd bet money it wasn't what they intended to do at all.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Mwah ha ha ha -- see, I fooled you with my evil mindwipe! Now I will use my powers to force you to write super sweet Spuffy with romantic happy endings, in a land where teddy bears frolic.

Re: Yes, It *Is* A Good Day

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

God, I just love that icon. ;-) I do think it's a really hard row to hoe, to try to change, and I fail miserably pretty much every day, but I keep trying. I just find it so frustrating when I can *see* it in others -- that really crappy vibe, that forget it, I hate it all attitude, because I know what that is. That's me, inside. But I especially hate it when people are like that and completely miss the point, deliberately so, in the process of making sure they can't be encouraged or treated positively. Not that I'm, like, a moonie or anything.

But yeah, I like what your mom said! I think I'll keep that as another mantra, like the pinhead thing. They work nicely in tandem.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I'm fascinated by this Right Speech concept -- it sounds really intriguing. I won't ask you to explain something that probably has pages written about it, and maybe will do a search and see what it's about, but it sounds like it's kind of an emotional challenge that helps you learn as you go. which is sort of what I'm trying to do -- failing, mostly, but trying. It's just days like today when i wonder why I try -- coming up against such exasperating people sort of sets me back on my own road to zen, I guess. But that's the point, isn't it -- to try for the zen, not necessarily to make it and then quit.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

No, you're right, she probably does have some other motivation for acting that way. I'm just mostly flummoxed by someone so deliberately missing the point, for focusing on stuff that is entirely not the point, as a way to pout and defend herself even more. That's just weird to me. But maybe there are other things going on, and it's part of a larger problem.

I'm telling ya, my cheeks is getting tired from all the turning! ;-)

[binsoup.livejournal.com]

Online, or at least in LJ land, you are what and how you write. I like your Buffy fanfiction and your LJ essays (e.g.on writing and usage). I'm delurking to say that even though I don't really know you, I've friended you because I want to start my day reading well-considered thoughts.

I don't mind if you're a horrid bitch or not, I will still read your LJ entries.

[varina8.livejournal.com]

This whole incident seems bizarre to me since I find you smart, funny and easygoing. I will say that, for me, the behaviors by others that push my buttons the hardest are the ones I am struggling to change in myself.

Re: Yes, It *Is* A Good Day

[morgandawn.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of a bad Mel Brooks movie (History of the World, Part 1) where one character has to choose between sex with the venal king or watching her father be put to death ("Hhhm, Hump. Death. Hump. Death.")

In this case the mantra would go: "Pinhead. Death. Pinhead. Death."

Oh wait, that really isn't a hard choice, is it.?
Moonily Yours....

[lordshiva.livejournal.com]

silly gwyn. Once or twice (long ago) I offered what I thought was well-considered, constructive criticism to a couple of youngsters on ff.net thinking that their request for critical feedback was indeed indicative of a sincere desire to improve their craft.

Boy was I wrong.

You have not come across a bitch to me once or ever. I have not been privileged to see the bitchy gwynneth. Perhaps when I journey up north we can meet for coffee and you can show me the real you - all hopped up on caffeine.

What about this freaking weather? Two water mains exploded in downtown Portland and flooded parking garages where Volvo, Mercedes and BMW SUVS were parked and it made rich people cry because they would have to talk their Volvo SUVs to the dealership tomorrow to make sure there was no damage. Their lives are in utter chaos and turmoil as a result. Elsewhere in town a tree crashed through the roof of an apartment where a coup0le and their three children were living and they are homeless now. They, of course, are grateful to be alive.

(Huh? What attitude?)

I hope your heat is working.

[harmonyfb.livejournal.com]

Now I will use my powers to force you to write super sweet Spuffy with romantic happy endings, in a land where teddy bears frolic.

Eeeek! Anything but that! Must.Resist.Fluff. Must.Write.Darkfic. The Power of Spike Compels You! Quick, somebody get me an old fan and a young fan! ;)

you've got to hand it to little mary sunshine

[darkwoods.livejournal.com]

Hey gywn. I don't get the bitch vibe from you or your writing. You're never cruel. I agree with the comment about the life of LJ being about how you write and some people express themselves more intelligently and thoughtfully than others.

LJ and fandom is sort of like driving a car and road rage. When some people get in their big MF heaps of chrome and steel they act like they are in a fortress and if somebody cuts them off - well they rant and yell "f--k you." Similarly some people feel protected by the anonymity of LJ/posting boards, etc. with its lack of RL face to face interaction. People who wouldn't open their mouths to you in person are calling you an evil slut. I try to realize that the form of communication which is the internet is not a perfect form. I've read that 50% of communication is non-verbal, so that leaves internet communication a wide margin for error.

One more thought, If you are interested in the right thinking stuff, I recommend Depak Chopra's The Simultaneous Fulfillment of Desire. I've read two of his books about enlightenment and they have been very ..uh..enlightening.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I love your icon! I do try to keep my pissypantsness off of LJ - the nice thing about this place is that I can try to shape my environment to be more reflective of what I want it to be. Not that I succeed all the time. Boy, do I not. But I try!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that is really true -- the times I most want to slap the crap out of people reflect the behaviors where people most want to slap the crap out of me, and even when I know that... I still can't stop myself! It's a death trap!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I'm actually home having a snow day -- our new boss, even though he's not the nicest, doesn't want everyone slipping and sliding in. But so many of the roads are closed out of West Seattle, where I live, that even if I wanted to, I might not get out, though the buses are running -- if they can get out and in.

So far, no burst pipes for me, though, and everything seems to be functioning, though I'm not looking forward to the potential garage roof cave in when it melts. No Volvo though!

Re: you've got to hand it to little mary sunshine

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

It's always really interesting, too, to see how your online personality differs from your real life personality, at least for some of us. I met a couple people at a con who were scared to talk to me, because they knew me online as this contentious bitch. That's when I realized maybe an overhaul was in order -- I'm not afraid to be a bitch when it's warranted, but I do realize that I have to post positive things, and engage in converations normally, if I want to have hope that people will see *all* of me.

[klia.livejournal.com]

I'm telling ya, my cheeks is getting tired from all the turning! ;-)

I empathize, believe me! I do my own private penance, too, like finding ways to praise things I loathe, or doing nice things for people I find disagreeable. So, maybe I'll create some good karma for myself, or maybe I won't, but my conscience feels pretty okay.

[varina8.livejournal.com]

I also hate the reverse, when someone jumps me for doing something that I jump others for doing. Despite knowing I am behaving badly and that the other person is utterly and completely right, my inner 12-year-old races to the fore and gives me a swift kick, screaming, "But she did it."

Fortunately my inner 12-year-old rarely gets a parole or I'd be impossible to be around.