Life goes on

[gwyn]

Sis_r update: Her first chemo treatment is scheduled for next weekend, and even though a person in my writing group offered me his air miles, which I hate to take, it doesn't look like I can get down there because of holiday blackout dates. Which means I may have to wait and go down for her second treatment, but that's when they're talking about possibly doing that genetic test to see whether I have or will get this cancer anyway so maybe that's okay. I hate not being there, knowing how terribly sick she's going to be, and knowing that it will be easier for her to be sick with her sister than with her friends, but I also know I will cry and be sad and hopeless, and that annoys her. She said I can't cry because I have to be her rock, but I am about as un-rocklike as a person can be, especially in regard to chemo. I know these chemicals intimately, and though they will be using taxol, they'll also be using one that ravaged my mother, so I doubt I could escape caregiving without turning into a wreck. She often thinks I'm an idiot because I shut down and become stonefaced when I'm terrified or sad; I'm constantly watching and assessing, which she takes as inaction and stupidity or just being a depresso dolt. So I doubt we'll be able to get through it without conflict no matter how hard I try -- she wasn't around for mom's chemo treatments, and I was at every one, so even though she understands what happens, she doesn't know it as well as I do. Chemo seems like the most barbaric "therapy" in the universe, and I just hate knowing that this is the one accepted way for us to arrest cancer cells -- with all our knowledge, we still can't find a way to do it without destroying the rest of the human being along with it? Arg.

And unfortunately dad_r is into shut-down mode too, and he doesn't want to talk about it, except to talk about going down there which I am trying to discourage him from doing. Evil twin was always their favorite, really, until I got saddled with the job of Good Daughter after she moved away, and even then, it was always her as the golden girl of the two of us. My parents got her, but they didn't get me much, and it took a long time to come to grips with that. So anyway, she's home now and was pretty happy to take a shower; but she's got this creepy thing in her chest that they will be putting the chemicals into, kind of like a shunt, and it gives me the freaking willies just thinking about it.

The nice thing about feeling like I don't want to vid? I'm able to find more energy for writing, and am about two days' worth of work away from being finished writing the new chapter of Measure of a Man. It's another boring yak yak yak chapter, but I'm getting closer to the action set pieces. But the self-editing is the hard part. And I also have a kind of bystander POV Fast and the Furious thing that is percolating in my tiny brain (just for you, X!), and then a much longer, possibly novel or novella length F&F story, complete with reVENge (TM, Lezlie Conch). I've always wanted to do another good reVENge story, which I haven't really had a chance to since Careful What You Wish For in The Professionals.

Last night I had the most wonderful dinner I think possible: fresh mozzarella and tomatoes fresh from sherrold's garden chopped up and tossed with minced fresh basil. I know some people put vinaigrette or flavored olive oils or whatnot on this kind of salad, but why? The taste is sheer perfection without anything extra -- there's bright tomatoes, intense basil, and the creamy salty mozzarella, so what more could you need? Then for dessert some fresh figs (god, I love fresh fig season!) and a small piece of manchego cheese. The only way that could get better would be if I had a good wine, but I never drink wine at home (sorry, wolffire!) because they don't make good wine for single people who don't drink a lot in one sitting. Why is it only crap wines that come in spinster-sized bottles? There's an untapped market here, if you ask me.

Comments

[klia.livejournal.com]

Sending you and your sis lots of virtual hugs and support.

Go splurge on a nice bottle of wine. IME, reds and whites both keep fine, so you don't have to worry about them going bad before you finish the bottle.

[mystic-savage.livejournal.com]

I read what you write and I feel it. I think a lot about you and your sister--more than you probably know. But I don't know of anything I can say that will make this any easier. Wish I could offer to split a bottle of wine with you, but my half would go bad before I could choke it down.

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

I hope you already know about the good vibes sending, in my prayers thing about you and your sister. If not: good vibes are being sent, and prayers are being thought. *Hugs*

just for you, X!

Not for me?

Even a little bit?

*Grin*

[par-avion.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear the update on your sister. Not to make this all about me, but I try not to think about my complete lack of knowledge about my medical/genetic history (adopted) and have spent way too many hours in hospital waiting rooms. So: concern, sympathy, and an interested audience for when you feel like posting about it.

***

I've had some luck buying decent white wine splits at the vinyard, specifically Channing Daughters on LI. Perhaps some of the vinyards in your part of the country do the same? My other method is to find a friendly wine store and ask them to suggest a wine good for both cooking and drinking. My favorite is a Spanish red ("Some people swear by it, others swear at it" -Winestore Clerk) but since you don't drink red wine (yay 100 things meme) I have no good suggesetions on that front, at least not yet.

And the Vacu-Vin wine saver works well, and is fairly cheap.

[mystic-savage.livejournal.com]

In our part of the country we have "vineyards" producing "loganberry wine...made by elves". I'm sure we have real wine grower people as well, but I've had too much of the elf-made stuff to try the real stuff *shudder*.

[par-avion.livejournal.com]

Made by elves?!? I...don't know what to say to that. How odd as a marketing tactic.

And I usually can spell vineyard. Alas. My wine prof. would be so disappointed.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

Continued hugs and good thoughts for you and your sister. Chemo is a fucker, it's true--hopefully they'll continue to develop more with monoclonal antibodies and other stuff, but unfortunately there's not a lot of choice right now.

Please do take care of yourself through all of this as best you can, okay?

*more hugs*

[destina.livejournal.com]

I have your sister in my thoughts. And you, too. *hugs*

[mystic-savage.livejournal.com]

*g* I didn't notice a misspelling. Just pointing out that these people can't really be vintners. (Is that the right term?)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I can't even justify my port because I always let it go bad, so it's probably good that I don't buy wine. It's a rare meal that I want it with, anyway -- sometimes, like last night, it's that rare perfect thing.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Hm, I wonder if the still-nursing baby would like it if you drank some wine? ;-)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Other people may enjoy it (though I doubt it), but X has this thing about stories set in another person's view about the two slash characters, and I've never properly been able to write her a story like that, even for a zine she did with that theme! I can't imagine there being much interest in a Letty's eye view of things, but I want to do it anyway.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

You know, just the name Vacu-Vin makes me laugh, so I will have to give it a try. Thanks for the info!

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

Aha, gotcha. Well, I'm looking forward to it anyway.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

One of the most startling things I discovered about myself when mom got sick was that all my "let go" philosophy went out the window as soon as a loved one got truly sick. Then I was all "whatever it takes, just do it." But the experience really soured me on the whatever it takes... I know it's the normal path to choose and I would probably go that route, but a part of me hopes that if I do have this cancer, maybe it'll be so far gone there's nothing to do, because chemo is such a horrific alternative. I'm not sure I could do it for myself. It's like a choice with no choice, in a way. Arg.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you!! I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with you at the con. We need to get a fandom in common, dammit! That way I can get people to bring me to room parties!

[mystic-savage.livejournal.com]

He'd probably like it better than when I gulp down a couple shots o' whiskey.

[claudia-yvr.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry about your sister's illness and the toll it's taking on her, you and the rest of the family. I hope that the chemo, as devastating as it is, does its job.

Let me know if you'd like me to get you a copy of Dark Skies (http://www.tvtome.com/DarkSkies/) as a distraction.

[barkley.livejournal.com]

That salad sounds delightful. I suppose beer would ruin the taste, but you know, it's good for single servings!

And I'm wishing you and your sister all the best.

You could always cook with the leftover wine...

[emmarytz.livejournal.com]

Chemo is incredibly barbaric as you recognize but the chestport is, in my opinion, the single-greatest contribution to medical science in our lifetime. Oh, that may be overstating it but I adored mine. Hell, some days I wish I still had it.

Good luck to both you and your sister. Frankly, I think it's easier in many ways to be the diseased one than the one trying to be supportive of the patient. Your mileage may vary, of course, but what you're going through, to my mind, is as tough as what she is experiencing. Taxol, I add breezily, isn't so tough. Don't feel bad if you aren't there to go through the experience with her; no one wants an audience when feeling pukey. Just don't beat yourself up about it; that won't help anyone. -em ps. Sorry; it's late and I'm tired. I become very bossy at such times.

Re: You could always cook with the leftover wine...

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I had no idea you'd been through this... would it be okay if I e-mailed you privately about it? I alternate between freaking out and life goes on, but I do find it helpful to talk to people who know what this is about.