Standing on ceremony

[gwyn]

I loathe ceremonies. I can't stand funerals, despise weddings, see no value in things like graduation exercises, and so on. So you can imagine my annoyance at having to attend not one, but two ceremonies to deal with my sister's death, when one was more than I wanted anyway, thanksverymuch. Today we are having the witness interment for my sister's ashes (her wish was to have her ashes buried in my mother's grave, if that was possible, which it is, so la la now we get to have another ceremony), which I thought would be short and simple but which is now turning into a Thing, where people are bringing poems and things they want to say, and I'm like, gah, I need to get back to work.

What the hell is there to say, you know? It's tragic, it's horrible, died too young, wonderful person, miss her terribly, blah blah. Why do we have to gather on a soggy patch of ground and be all solemn about it, when we all already know how we feel? I can barely keep it together on any given day, I don't need to stand around with a bunch of other people and lose it in front of them. And there's no way not to, because it's just so. effing. sad. Everyone says it's about "closure." Yeah, right. Like I can ever have closure on having my twin sister ripped away from me. There has not been one second of my life she wasn't part of, and now I have to spend the rest of it without her, and I don't know how, but do I have to *talk* about it with people under these grim circumstances? I don't get it.

I think I freaked out mystic_savage last week when I talked about hating ceremonies so much. She was surprised that I hated weddings, but I do. Whenever Ex used to talk about marriage, the instant he'd start saying dreamily, "maybe we should think about getting married," I'd immediately ask him, "What's in it for me besides getting a better, easier last name?" And he could never answer. I saw no reason to change our status, and a lot of that wasn't so much that I'm against marriage (though I kinda am), but that the idea of a ceremony made me want to vomit. He'd always say "well, we can do the justice of the peace thing," to which I'd reply, well, that's still a freaking ceremony, isn't it? The only ceremony you would ever get my fat ass into would be an Elvis wedding in Vegas. Because then it would just be silly, with good music, and that's okay. Elvis impersonators are always a bonus, if you ask me. But the truth is I hate everything weddings stand for -- that whole "look at me put on a show, look how much money I can spend for something that lasts an hour, look at me buying into the patriarchal 'women as property' to be sold off to the nearest bidder" bullshit. Poor mystic savage, having to listen to me rant about it when she thinks weddings are lovely and beautiful.

The only reason I went to my high school graduation, after saying I wasn't going, was because my best friend wanted me there, and she lured me by having her parents take us out to dinner at a super fancy restaurant afterwards. Otherwise, no way. I did not go to my college graduation, even though I was getting two BAs at the time and both my department heads were really huffy that I wouldn't attend. And the idea of christenings, bar/bat mitzvahs, anything like that makes my skin crawl. One of the reasons I've never understood the appeal of certain kinds of churches is that people are often attracted to the ceremonies -- the rituals of Catholicism or Judaism, or what have you. I'd rather poke my eyes with sticks. When I have to endure these things for others, I get antsy and tired and bored and want to get out of there really really fast. I always feel like even sitting around on my butt at home watching TV is a more productive use of my time.

But funerals may even be worse than wedddings, and that's saying a lot. Because at least with weddings you can feign happiness for the poor, benighted couple or the parents for getting their kids off their hands. Everything's just sad and depressing and awkward and no one knows what to say at funerals, and it's not like the person for whom the event is scheduled can be there to take part. Funerals are for the living, and I guess I'd rather, if I'm among the living who are grieving and coping, do it on my own time, privately, and not where I have to put on the dreaded Brave Face in front of others. I'd actually rather be at work.

And I think I must be very alone in hating ceremonies. I've never met anyone else who shares this feeling, even guys, whom you'd expect to dislike these things. They might like one type but not the other, or what have you, but I've never met anyone who dislikes all ceremonies all the time the way I do. I have no idea what it says about me, other than that it confirms that yes, I Am a Crank. But there you are. I am crank, here me roar.

Comments

[pukajen.livejournal.com]

The only reason I went to my high school graduation was that was how you got your diplomat. I had to attend an even more irritating thing called Ivy Day, where girls HAD to wear white dresses and boys had to wear dark pants, white shirts and blue or black ties. Had to go to Ivy Day to march in Grad to get diplomat.
That and I too was bribed into attending by my best friend and the promise of a nice dinner at a swanky restaurant.
Try to get out of my brother's wedding. Claimed it was WAY too expensive for me to fly from the West Coast to the East. Sadly my mum found a fare for about $200 and offered to pay. Ra-freaking-ra.

[cranberryink.livejournal.com]

I always hated weddings myself and was blathering on about how awful and pointless they were at work one day and a woman there said something that made me think of them in a slightly different light. She said that weddings weren't really a special moment between two people, or even a ceremony about pawning off a daughter--rather, it's a public statement about your new status in the community. The social value of it is what's important; you're telling everyone that you're no longer available to mate with other people, accountability and all that. And that makes a kind of logical sense to me, that even if you know what your committment to your partner is, it's important that other people know as well. So now I don't hate weddings on principal quite so much, though I do often still hate them in practice, especially when they're overdone and dramatic.

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

yup,i think that's very true and it's only redeeming feature...though i elieve we should have divorce ceremonies too...birth&death joining&separating...all are communal.

i still hate ceremonies with a passion, so i'm with you, gwyn. i try to avoid doing them at all cost, but you americans lovethem, don't you (esp. the formalized stuff...if it were just good reasons or huge parties i might reconcile myself a bit more :-)

[ruddigore.livejournal.com]

I'm one of those who appreciates ceremonies, though I don't think they bring any sort of closure (a word I hate and a concept I don't believe in). I don't see why anyone should have a problem with your dislike of them. You have a right to like what you like, dislike what you dislike, and be who you are. I wish we lived in a world where, in these circumstances, you could just state your preference and it would be completely accepted - no disapproval, incredulity or pressure (overt or covert). Why can't we all just be a little kinder and more accepting of our differences? Why are we always trying to force people? ::hugs you::

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

I don't hate ceremonies per-se, but I've always thought they should be short and to the point. (I mean, ohgod, I've got a full on wedding mass on the horizon.)

The length of so many ceremonies I think comes from the fact that they predate TV, the Internet, and cheap, mass produced reading materials and were designed to give the largely illeterate masses a 3 hour break from the drab monontony of daily life.

[dine.livejournal.com]

oh man, almost 20 years later I still shudder at the memory of my sister's eternally-long wedding mass - I was trapped in a sea of poofy pastel gowns, wishing to hell I was anywhere else. and they didn't even serve alcohol at the reception, much less before (which is really when I could have used it).

your theory about the length of ceremonies makes lots of sense.

I'm not a huge fan of big ceremonies and avoid them whenever possible - sadly with my family that's not always easy. somehow they just don't *get* my reluctance to join.

[callherblondie.livejournal.com]

I unapologetically hate weddings. Mainly because of what they stand for, which you so succinctly outlined. The thought of getting married makes me want to curl up in a fetal position and rock back and forth until the nausea goes away. If I were to get married, I'd want to go to Vegas and get married at a funny little chapel complete with Elvis impersonator/minister, and use the money for something fun like getting the penthouse suite at the Bellagio and blowing the remainder on expensive champagne and the gambling tables. I sure as hell wouldn't spend the money for a 'dream wedding' complete with white wedding gown, 200 of my not-closest friends and relatives, and all that. It's just not for me.

[nullabona.livejournal.com]

I dislike most ceremonies as well and I’ve been married for 12 years. We got up, went down to the courthouse, got married, took photos and had a nice dinner. I see people spending 50K on a wedding only to be divorced a couple of years later. I say save the money and put it toward retirement, a nice vacation or couples counseling!

[killabeez.livejournal.com]

{{{{hugs you}}}} I'm really sorry that you had to go through that when it's so uncomfortable for you. Doesn't seem right, somehow.

I don't hate all ceremonies, but a lot of them, yeah. My own wedding was extremely low key (held in a free public park with close friends and family and the vows were two pages that I wrote a couple days before), but even so, it gave me one of the worst migraines I've ever had. I've been to some awful funerals, and even worse weddings and a bat mitzvah has been known to put me to sleep. However, I have been to two funerals that actually made me feel better, and brought me closure, so I know it's possible. Just... rare. For the most part, gah, get it away from me.

[gchick.livejournal.com]

Nah, you're not alone at all -- I thoroughly despise the things even though I'm planning a marriage. (Graduations, however, I like. I think it's because of the gaudy clothes and people speaking Latin with impossible accents. It's kind of an Elvis Wedding vibe, if you tilt your head just right.)

I'm sorry that you're feeling forced into doing these things for your sis. It's horrible enough that she's gone (and I haven't said that often enough even as I've followed the whole story in your LJ); it only makes things worse that you're miserable in the middle of the stuff that everyone insists is to make you feel better about it.

[leela-cat.livejournal.com]

I'm not crazy about ceremonies. The best ones are the shortest. Partner chick and I tend to avoid synagogue on any day when we know there's going to be a bar/bat mitzvah. Unless you're actually related to the kid, it just ends up being a hassle. And, even if you're related or really good friends, it's still frequently a hassle.

Weddings ought to be short and sweet and for close friends and relatives only, IMO.

As for funerals, I hate them. We had two, five weeks apart, when my mom and then my grandad died. Ugh. That was a seriously nasty couple of months. Aside from the pressure to behave and dress in a socially acceptable way, there are all these curbs on what you say as well.

And then there's the other side of it. What if you gave a funeral and no-one came?

*shudder*

I'd rather just have my ashes tossed by a couple of people who are and let everyone get back to the business of survival.

[poisonapple73.livejournal.com]

Not a huge fan of ceremonies either. I don't always mind them, if the people involve really do seem happy with it, but they've never been something I wanted personally. I can't bring myself to understand the mentality behind putting yourself through months of torture to plan a huge wedding- sure, you get flowers and sometimes, a nice dress, but all it ever seems to do is stress the couple in question out during what should be a nice time, and cost an insane amount of money.

Funerals and wakes, I can't stand- I find them to be gross, obscene, and cruel. I know some people do sincerely garner comfort from sharing their grief, but for me it seems like being asked to be raw and open in front of a large group of people, to prove your grief in a proper manner.

[fiercy.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you've now met a lot of people who feel the way you do. Add one more. My distaste in ceremony goes so far that I have lived with not a small amount of shame for not showing up at ones that I should. I hate feeling trapped. By anything. Church services, classes, visits to other peoples houses.... It's all a ceremony to me. There are certain formulas in each situation you're supposed to follow and, if you don't, someone is bound to judge you. It makes me impatient and sad and angry all at once.

*hugs* I'm sorry about people not understanding your feelings.

Perhaps we should shove aside Psycho Food Habits for this one...

[alexfandra.livejournal.com]

I hate ceremonies, too. I've been to three weddings (I don't count one I attended as a child, when I had no say in the matter) voluntarily, one because it was the first one I'd been asked to as an adult and I had No Frickin' Idea how horrid they were, the second because it was jokey and most of the guests were high on one thing or another, and the third to act as a witness at the last minute as a favor. We hates them.

I hate showers, too. I went to one. Never again.

Ditto funerals and anything smacking of "celebration of life" nonsense. They do nothing good as far as I can tell, except make everyone who was feeling miserable in private feel more miserable in public. Fie on it.

Fie on 'em all.

[przed.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty much right there with you on ceremonies. I only went to my undergrad graduation because a roommate (not my parents; they knew better) harangued me till I agreed to go. And I missed the three subsequent graduations entirely on purpose.

Funerals are toughter. You like to be there for your friends or family, but you're right that it's an awkward thing. It can be useful catharsis for some people, but if it's not for you, it hardly seems fair that you have to attend.

Weddings I'm more conflicted on. Depends on the spirit in which they're conducted. I have to say that our wedding was a fab party. But that was because we jettisoned the god stuff and any tradition we thought was silly, got a Humanist to conduct the ceremony, nuked any possibility of tedious speeches by having none, had guests make donations to our favourite charities in lieu of gifts and had an awesome caterer. Took some major doing to go non-traditional, though, and that was without any family pressure.

Mostly, I'm not a fan of tradition and ceremonies for their own sakes.

[ixchel55.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't hate ceremonies with the vehemence that you seem to, but I do find them distasteful wastes of time that are to be avoided at almost all cost.

I will admit to being a bridesmaid once (in a full on church wedding) that left me feeling like I'd been dragged backwards through a thorne hedge, but she's been my best friend for over 20 years so I didn't really feel like I could say no to her.

And I think funerals are awful and depressing and the 'viewing' to be one of the most barbaric rituals I've ever been subjected to.

But I can't think of a single ceremony that I've ever been to that I didn't wish whole-heartedly I was somewhere else.

And no, I didn't go to any of my graduations. Those I could say no to.

[ann1962]

Everyone says it's about "closure".

Because then it can be about them. They can close the door and not think about it any more. But you know that isn't true and will never be. I think what you are feeling is completely natural. When people want to close the door on what was, on her, that is for their comfort. You will live this. It will be what is it. Sad and wrenching. You will find a place but it will not be closure. It will just be greeting the newness of what it now is.

And you have every right to be cranky. You are dealing. {{hugs}}

[labgirl2076.livejournal.com]

I've never really thought about whether or not it was ceremonies themselves that I dislike just certain ones. I think I dislike certain ones because they are ridiculous and society places certain rules on people that are just absurd.

I probably dislike graduations the least. I at least see a purpose to it. I don't hink they are fun though. They are tedious and boring but important.

Funerals are one of the worst. Why do people have open caskets? It's just morbid and wrong. There's so many rules. Stand here, say this, shake here, kiss this cheek, pray...and it all varies depending on that person's (usually) religious beliefs. I'm uncomfortable with the whole damn thing. I'm so sorry you have had to go through all that you are. I wish I could help.

Weddings. What's with all the rules and etiquette and spending thousands of dollars? More than 50% of marriages end in divorce. Not only is it costly to have/give a wedding, it's expensive to attend one. If you're invited to the shower, you bring a gift, and if you're also invited to the wedding you bring a gift. WTF? Who the hell says I have to? One gift. Who really is starting off life together these days with nothing? No towels, no coffeemaker, no toaster, no coasters, no pots and pans? No one that's who. Don't get me started on the reception. The dollar dance, the locamotion, the father/daughter, mother/son dances, first dance as a couple, the cake eating/smushing, the bouquet toss, the garter toss and the subsequent putting the garter on the one who caught the bouquet. Dumb. All of it. Why are we forced into this shit?

What's the absolute worst is showers. Bridal and baby. Baby showers are probably the most absurd. It's all me, me, me. Give to me. Huh? And what of all the single people that are forced to go to these things? I have a co-worker that's a member of a bridal party. The bride picked the venue of her shower, but her attendants have to pay for everything there. My co-worker has to pay over $250 for the shower alone. Not counting the gift she has to bring, or the second shower she has to go to, or the dress and all the accessories. What?

The whole thing, everything is ridiculous. Can't we band together to change the rules?

[gattagrigia.livejournal.com]

When my mother died, I contracted with the funeral home to have her ashes scattered over the ocean. No viewing, no ceremony, no notification, no wake, no nada. She certainly didn't care anymore, and I saw no use in it. Intellectually, I understand the 'community' thing about the life-events passages, but I don't participate.

OK, JL and I 'got married' but really, we had a great party with 50 attendees - an incredible 4 course meal cooked by our historical-gourmet friends, a lot of wine and laughter and prezzies - we signed a piece of paper in front of the attendees and said some blithe words, but there was no 'ceremony'.

Oh, yeah, I did attend a food-based wedding once where the officiator insisted that the audience affirm loudly that we would help the couple stay together - which I thought was a rather nice touch. like it takes the village to keep the vows and it's not just up to the two clueless yokels - but that couple moved across the continent almost immediately so no villager could fulfill the oath.

I haven't been invited to a mega-bucks 'wedding' for decades (except for David and Jeff's wedding, and that was marvelous and awesome indeed, and worth it), and I avoid funerals. I'll probably have to attend my own. But not by choice.

Current wine - Thomas Wolfe Zinfandel, 2002

[ladyagnew.livejournal.com]

I always thought (or was made to feel) that I was alone in hating ceremony, because I hate standing in ceremony. Attending a wedding or a funeral is just like going to class to listen to a boring lecturer -- there's nothing redeeming about it for myself. The people putting it on have the satisfaction of being the center of attention, but I'm bored, fidgety, tired, made to shut up, and learning nothing. I only went to my high school grad b/c my parents made me, and I adamently resisted going to my college one. One was enough.

I think it's the mental lock ceremonies put on you -- they usually run for hours, you're supposed to be paying attn to the really boring thing happening to the people in front, and people should rightly fear public speaking because most of it as performed by normal people is painfully dull. If I'm watching a movie this boring, I can walk out. If I'm having a really dull conversation, I can excuse myself. If I'm stuck at a formal occasion, there's nothing to do but grin and bear it.

[mystic-savage.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but I'm one of those weird pagan freaks. It'd be super strange if I didn't love ceremony and ritual, given how much of it I perpetrate.