Walk and chew gum
Jun. 18th, 2006 08:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynThis is how dumb I actually am (apparently the hate meme people were right! I really am stupid!). I came up with this utterly brilliant (har) suggestion for a Vividcon show and panel of vids that used additional source (news clips, documentaries, graphics, promos, bloopers, what have you). I thought this would be easy-peasy because I'd had a bunch of them in my head already and rustling up new ones shouldn't have been hard. Turned out my show barely cracked 30 minutes (the show length is 45). I had to use all the great alternate vids because most of the damn vids I loved that used this kind of thing were like 2 freaking minutes long. Bastards! I had like 15 vids and a half hour show. So, I had to throw them all on the list, even though it meant putting the same vidders in the program multiple times (as ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
feochadn said, "the people who do it are the people who do it") and repeating fandoms ad nauseum. But the alternates were even worse; still, I had to find 5 alternates.
Last night at a fan bash here, someone asked why I didn't include my La Femme Nikita vid. I said tomovies_michelle, No, that stuff was from a commercial promo, but it was all clips from the show. She stares blankly at me and starts to say, "No, I mean the pro--" and I go, "Oh! The one with the creepy" and I make this helmet motion, cage-around-the-head hand gesture and she goes, "Yeah, the one with the head thing." And I was like, oh, crap. Too late now. The deadline for the show playlists was two weeks ago. I had totally, completely, utterly forgotten that in 6 Underground, I had used these season four promotional ad campaign clips where Nikita's strapped down to a table like she's being tortured, or having really horrifying things done to her eye, or wearing this Moebius/HR Geiger-like cage contraption on her head. I spent hours tracking down vids, watching old and new tapes and discs, trying desperately to find enough quality vids to fill out my show and not repeat everything. And there was an unusual fandom, sitting in my box of backup discs, my very own vid, and I totally forgot about it.
Everyone encouraged me to see if I could get it swapped out for another vid.renenet was kind enough to let me, even though I've been pestering her relentlessly since this process began and she has been unbelievably gracious in the face of my extreme stupidity lately.
Man, I'm a doof. I was feeling doofy pretty much all day yesterday, especially when I realized that yet another song I wanted to do has been done by other vidders. This has been happening to me so much lately. I am old enough that I still have this feeling of loserliness about using songs that my friends and really good vidders are using right around the same time. They, of course, aren't bothered by this, so I feel like I shouldn't be, but... I always feel as if I'm going to get compared and I'm so deficient in my belief in my abilities that I can't see that turning out well. The shift in how people think about song re-use is huge compared to Ye Olden Dayes, but I still end up feeling goofy about it. But I suppose it doesn't make sense when I can't even remember my own vids!
I had to work a lot this weekend, but am planning to take a few days off before I go to NY this week. I'm really, really hoping that the garage guys will come take the plastic away and let me park my car in the garage. They poured the concrete last week and I don't know if it's sloped enough or not, but I want to use my garage! The final inspection failed so that will have to happen again. It seems like it's never going to end. I was tellingmlyn yesterday that I want to see if i can find a place that makes little signs that aren't just house numbers, and that I'd like to put a sign up inside saying "Andy's garage" since it was my sister who made it possible for me. She didn't have to leave me most of her estate, and when they first poured the concrete, I wanted to put something in it that had been hers to kind of memorialize it, but everything was much too large or much too delicate/valuable to go outside like that in concrete. When I put up some new pics, I will show you the little gift that someone left in the new concrete, though. I feel kind of doofy calling it Andy's garage (that was the nickname everyone knew her by), and she would totally cringe in horror, but... somehow I feel it is hers.
I guess the meds have stopped working or something, but I've been thinking a lot about her lately, feeling more down than usual. Mostly I'm stuck on how terrible she felt, how ravaged and in pain she was. It's hard to get past that. Maybe it's the nostalgia of watching old soap characters or something. Maybe it's just all the conversations around me about people with ovarian cancer. I don't know. Someone I know said to me a long while ago that I didn't want to get better. I was really thrown by that, because what kind of control do you have over that? You can't control flashbacks and traumatic memories. You can't control the kind of feeling seeing something built by money you got from your dead twin brings over you, the struggle you have with "wow, it's really nice to have this/wow, I would give anything NOT to have this". You don't have a lot of power about how your mind obssesses on things, even with meds, like crazy home improvements because you just don't want to think about anything. Maybe the worst of all is that you can't get a grip on the feeling that you know you suck the life out of everything and everyone and no one wants to talk to you or be around you, and no one asks how you are or asks what your loved one was like, and yet you can't stop being that way. You tell yourself over and over you are going to be better but you feel like you're trapped in The Scream, and you know no one can stand listening to you talk about it, but the words and the pain still pour out of you. And then they tell you that you don't want to get better -- it's your responsibility not to bring them down. The guilt just makes the original feelings worse, I think.
I think I will vid Life on Mars instead. Sam's got it worse.
feochadn said, "the people who do it are the people who do it") and repeating fandoms ad nauseum. But the alternates were even worse; still, I had to find 5 alternates. Last night at a fan bash here, someone asked why I didn't include my La Femme Nikita vid. I said to
movies_michelle, No, that stuff was from a commercial promo, but it was all clips from the show. She stares blankly at me and starts to say, "No, I mean the pro--" and I go, "Oh! The one with the creepy" and I make this helmet motion, cage-around-the-head hand gesture and she goes, "Yeah, the one with the head thing." And I was like, oh, crap. Too late now. The deadline for the show playlists was two weeks ago. I had totally, completely, utterly forgotten that in 6 Underground, I had used these season four promotional ad campaign clips where Nikita's strapped down to a table like she's being tortured, or having really horrifying things done to her eye, or wearing this Moebius/HR Geiger-like cage contraption on her head. I spent hours tracking down vids, watching old and new tapes and discs, trying desperately to find enough quality vids to fill out my show and not repeat everything. And there was an unusual fandom, sitting in my box of backup discs, my very own vid, and I totally forgot about it.Everyone encouraged me to see if I could get it swapped out for another vid.
renenet was kind enough to let me, even though I've been pestering her relentlessly since this process began and she has been unbelievably gracious in the face of my extreme stupidity lately. Man, I'm a doof. I was feeling doofy pretty much all day yesterday, especially when I realized that yet another song I wanted to do has been done by other vidders. This has been happening to me so much lately. I am old enough that I still have this feeling of loserliness about using songs that my friends and really good vidders are using right around the same time. They, of course, aren't bothered by this, so I feel like I shouldn't be, but... I always feel as if I'm going to get compared and I'm so deficient in my belief in my abilities that I can't see that turning out well. The shift in how people think about song re-use is huge compared to Ye Olden Dayes, but I still end up feeling goofy about it. But I suppose it doesn't make sense when I can't even remember my own vids!
I had to work a lot this weekend, but am planning to take a few days off before I go to NY this week. I'm really, really hoping that the garage guys will come take the plastic away and let me park my car in the garage. They poured the concrete last week and I don't know if it's sloped enough or not, but I want to use my garage! The final inspection failed so that will have to happen again. It seems like it's never going to end. I was telling
mlyn yesterday that I want to see if i can find a place that makes little signs that aren't just house numbers, and that I'd like to put a sign up inside saying "Andy's garage" since it was my sister who made it possible for me. She didn't have to leave me most of her estate, and when they first poured the concrete, I wanted to put something in it that had been hers to kind of memorialize it, but everything was much too large or much too delicate/valuable to go outside like that in concrete. When I put up some new pics, I will show you the little gift that someone left in the new concrete, though. I feel kind of doofy calling it Andy's garage (that was the nickname everyone knew her by), and she would totally cringe in horror, but... somehow I feel it is hers.I guess the meds have stopped working or something, but I've been thinking a lot about her lately, feeling more down than usual. Mostly I'm stuck on how terrible she felt, how ravaged and in pain she was. It's hard to get past that. Maybe it's the nostalgia of watching old soap characters or something. Maybe it's just all the conversations around me about people with ovarian cancer. I don't know. Someone I know said to me a long while ago that I didn't want to get better. I was really thrown by that, because what kind of control do you have over that? You can't control flashbacks and traumatic memories. You can't control the kind of feeling seeing something built by money you got from your dead twin brings over you, the struggle you have with "wow, it's really nice to have this/wow, I would give anything NOT to have this". You don't have a lot of power about how your mind obssesses on things, even with meds, like crazy home improvements because you just don't want to think about anything. Maybe the worst of all is that you can't get a grip on the feeling that you know you suck the life out of everything and everyone and no one wants to talk to you or be around you, and no one asks how you are or asks what your loved one was like, and yet you can't stop being that way. You tell yourself over and over you are going to be better but you feel like you're trapped in The Scream, and you know no one can stand listening to you talk about it, but the words and the pain still pour out of you. And then they tell you that you don't want to get better -- it's your responsibility not to bring them down. The guilt just makes the original feelings worse, I think.
I think I will vid Life on Mars instead. Sam's got it worse.
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no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 03:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 03:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 03:50 am (UTC)I am *so* there with you. It takes how long it takes, and you *don't* really have any control over it. You can email me any time about anything, if it would help (batwrangler at gmail dot com).
no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 04:22 am (UTC)And now I will paraphrase the words of my very wise friend,
You're leveling, Gwyn.
My own little adendum to Robert's wisdom is that there aren't any cheat codes.
and no one asks how you are or asks what your loved one was like
Well, I think we all have an idea of how you are right now.
Share a memory with us. I never knew her. I only have ideas based off of what you've said about her and also from knowing what you are like.
Post a picture, too. She's been a mystery woman too long.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 04:35 am (UTC)The others are right. A person needs time to heal, and the amount is different for everyone. Compassion and understanding from one's friends helps, too. Stick with those who offer it and jettison (at least temporarily) those who don't.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 04:38 am (UTC)What an insensitive clod.
It's been over six years and I still talk about my mother and remember her and love her and it's only been six months since I lost my father.
You heal at your own time.
::many hugs::
no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 05:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 11:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 01:29 pm (UTC)And believe me, you're not the only one. My mother is not on speaking terms with several family members because they act creeped out when she talks about my father. It's like there's something wrong with you because you haven't just forgotten this person who was so much of your life, whereas the reverse is true: if you really had forgotten, or let go that easily, you'd obviously be a disturbed person.
I've been trying to decide about return address labels. (Yes, my life is full of drama.) I have lots of labels with just Pat's name on them (which I use for bills because the companies don't care what's on them, it's just something for in case I forget to put the stamp on). But I also have a lot of them with my name & Pat's, & I want to use them on the things I send people I know but I'm worried about what they'll think.
OK, thank you. Apparently what I needed to do was write that out so I could see how stupid it is. I am now resolving to use the labels. And I think you should name your garage.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 01:37 pm (UTC)(o)
Thinking of you.
no subject
Date: 2006-06-19 10:51 pm (UTC)Someone I know said to me a long while ago that I didn't want to get better.
I certainly hope you don't know them any more, because that's one of the unkindest things I've ever heard. Everyone grieves differently.
wow, it's really nice to have this/wow, I would give anything NOT to have this".
::nods:: Yes. I was able to buy a home after I lost my grandparents. I was happy to be able to buy, but I said then that I'd have given up that house in half a second for the chance to spend just ten more minutes with them. I still would.