VVC and me

[gwyn]

Yesterday I sent off the master disc to justacat for the Media Cannibals remasters dvd that we will have at the con. As I mentioned before, we're bringing just enough to fill the "I'm interested" orders we received before; if you didn't specifically tell me you were interested, then you won't get one, most likely. Because I'm not able to make a lot of these right now, and due to the fact that more vids will be added (I'm afraid we weren't able to get the Wiseguy vid Lives in the Balance in time, but I'm hopeful I can add it after the con when the stress dies down), I'm not going to put these on the orphan table with the other vid discs I'll bring. Because we're not able to sell out of our rooms in Chicago, I'll tote them around with me and you can find me to claim your disc. Or see Justacat. (Due to the redonkulous expense of producing this thing, I'm going to call it around $5)

We're both reasonably easy to find in a crowd since we're both pretty tall, but she is thin and pretty and has curly blond hair, whereas I am fat and ugly and have red hair. I tend to go to a lot of vid shows, more than panels. The truth is, I just can't get enough vids. It's like a disease. But I will be running the Additional Source vidshow and panel, so you can of course find me there.

And speaking of which, I will confess a few things here. I have a very hard time at VVC, despite the fact that I love it so much. I will be the one not dancing at Club Vivid, because I feel awkward and stupid due to the aforementioned big fat and ugly thing. I will probably also be the one standing alone, or in the lobby alone, or wandering the halls alone, or sitting alone at a vidshow unless I have picked some poor soul who is too nice to flick me off like the barnacle I make myself. And I am more than happy to not be alone, but I have a hard time doing the barnacle thing, because I have this outstanding belief that no one wants to hang with me. This isn't just mild paranoia or self-pity; it's been ingrained in me so deep that nothing is able to budge it. The message I heard all my life from family, teachers, "friends," and co-workers is that I'm a general failure at being a human being, and so I am deeply, deeply reluctant to approach people at a con. I do sometimes, but the whole time I'm aware that the people I tagged along to dinner with probably don't want me there. OTOH, I have a great dress and shoes for Club VV, even if I'm too fat for them.

So, if you're the "I feel alone" type too, then feel free to tag along with me. I'm not in with the in crowd, but we can be out from the in crowd together or something. If see you sitting alone, I might even ask if you want to get food or something. I am not in any of the hot fandoms currently, and so I don't really get invited to the room parties that happen, but I can converse on almost any fandom that's known to more than a few people except for anime, which I'm only marginally versed in. Even if I'm not into it, I can converse, or listen to you converse. I am a happy listener as much as I like to talk. And I would be happy to go to a room party, too, even if it's for stuff I don't like, because I just like hanging out with people. Unfortunately I can't spend much time in the con suite because it's just too painfully cold in there for me.

Warning: I will probably be sick before the premieres show. By now, you'd think this would be old hat, but it isn't for me, especially this year because the reaction to my premiering vid has been so bad that I'm kind of dreading seeing it in front of a room full of people. I remember how awful I felt last year, and I think this year will be worse because it's not only a sloooow, ponderous, inscrutable vid about a woman, but one of the hardest vids I've ever made and took me the longest time. Thanks to laurashapiro, it's much better than it would have been, but I think it's still going to bomb, so I will probably be vibrating with terror leading up to premieres.

As I've mentioned before, vidders are insane, yo.

Comments

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

I am often fascinated by the different lenses we turn on ourselves and on each other. (I just rewrote that sentence three times to try to make it grammatical. I hope I succeeded. *g*) What I mean is, the way you see yourself is so different from how I see you -- I think you're beautiful. You carry height the way I wish I did but often forget to do.

[falzalot.livejournal.com]

I can't remember if I remembered to say I was interested! Brain = fried!

And you = ~so~ ~totally~ ~not~ ~fat~. So there. :-p

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

I hope you know you can come sit by me at any time. I always manage to end up alone at vidshows, I'd love your company.

We can talk Life on Mars! omg!

[justacat.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your incredibly kind words - but it's like Kass said, we never see ourselves as others see us; that's so *not* how I see myself. And you wrote,

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Thank you for your incredibly kind words - but it's like Kass said, we never see ourselves as others see us; that's so *not* how I see myself. And you wrote, <iI am more than happy to not be alone, but I have a hard time doing the barnacle thing, because I have this outstanding belief that no one wants to hang with me.... I'm a general failure at being a human being, and so I am deeply, deeply reluctant to approach people at a con. I do sometimes, but the whole time I'm aware that the people I tagged along to dinner with probably don't want me there.</i>

And I could have written that. I'm not sure how I act or how I seem, or how others see me, but that's how I <i>feel</i>. And it always seems to me that everyone else is confident, and believes themselves to be likeable, and *is* likeable, and liked, and part of the "in" group (talk about not being in any of the hot fandoms - as you well know, I can't even converse in most of them!), but not me. I feel like I'm always on the fringes and saying the wrong thing and am just being suffered and don't really belong ...

I wonder if many of us are actually feeling this way, inside...?

Anyway, *I* will want to talk with you, believe me, and will probably become a very annoying barnacle and you will want to get rid of me!! :-)

But argh, I have *nothing* to wear for Club Vivid yet ...

Eeep! I did ask for one didn't I?

[cattraine.livejournal.com]

If so, could you mail it to me if I send $ and a SASE?

Also, you are lucky I am half way across the country because if I lived in Seattle I would be bugging you, and yammering about vids and fic all the time! You would probably have to evict me from your new garage! LOL

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

You didn't, but I will add you to the list. Does this mean... you're going to be there after all??? ::hopes::

My first serious boyfriend turned out to be something of a chubby-chaser, unbeknownst to me at the time. I was way, way less weighty than I am now, and when I started discussing why we had to change our eating habits so I could lose weight, he told me, "No, I like you fat." I'm just lucky in terms of the height, honestly -- the heigh kind of spreads it around on a larger canvas, but people who've roomed with me know just how much weight I'm actually carrying when I'm not disguised in clothing!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I might make you regret that! ;-) But I always want to hang out with you and your posse!

I am so up for talking LoM, and DS, and any of the maybe not hot fandoms around, but they are hot to me. Keiko is bringing some Persuaders discs -- it was a Brit/American series from 1971-2 and will actually have period stuff that will be fun to compare! I saw it when I was but a wee lass and barely remember it.

I've been showing LoM to m'lyn and I just do NOT get sick of watching it. Or talking it!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I seem to remember spilling my guts about this same topic on a post that... I want to say either cereta or sanj made a couple years ago, I can't remember who, though. All my insecurities flooding out because I often felt really adrift at my first VVC -- I had only just started making vids on a computer and felt really *old* and stupid, even though Darkness, Darkness had been a big hit at the show. I was just kind of ... I don't know. I think it's that I never seem to be in the really super popular fandoms, and people usually want to cluster with the other people who are into what they're into, so I can't ask to be part of the groups...

When you get down to it, it's just dumb and feeds my insecurities *more* to not try to hook up with people, but it is still so hard to know you're not a super cool vidder, so you don't really belong with the super cool vidders, and want to invite yourself to dinner, say, with the super cool vidders. It's so much like being back on the playground in elementary school. It's awkward and you know you're foolish to think that, but you still do.

And I think we all probably do feel that way, yeah.

Re: Eeep! I did ask for one didn't I?

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

No, but I think the reason you didn't is because I'm not ready to do mail orders yet. These are only for folks picking up at the con; afterwards, we're going to try to figure out how to make things available mail order without driving me bug-shagging crazy!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Well, you are sweet. My own mom once mentioned to me that she knew "what it was like to be ugly" and when your own mom says that, you gotta figure it's worse than you realized! I think sis_r got the looks, for sure. She also had perfect skin and hair when we were teens -- I hated that!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Oh! This is totally appropos of nothing, but I found the greatest song a while back for a Firefly vid, and at first I was thinking Zoe, but then I realized it had to be Book. It's just perfect. I wager if there was little interest in a serious Jayne vid, there'll be even less for a Book vid, but I adore him and this song is just so great. Remind me at the con, and I will play it for you!

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

No regrets! :)

LoM talk is a must; I've been re-watching parts of it myself and I just don't get tired of it.

[elynross.livejournal.com]

Because we're not able to sell out of our rooms in Chicago...

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by this -- do you just mean you can't put a sign up on the door? You can put a hang tag on the door while you're in the room, and you're welcome to put a note on the bulletin board in the con suite indicating that those who contacted you before the con can find you in room whatever!

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Oh, a Book vid would make me so happy. Yes, please do play it for me at the con!

yaoobruni asks sometimes whether I'm going to start vidding, and I always explain that a) I don't have the skillset and b) I don't know any source material well enough to know where to find the clips I might want. I could imagine watching Firefly enough times to find the appropriate clips. (of course, that still wouldn't solve the problem of not knowing what the @#$% I'm doing...)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Oh, it's my dumbass way of saying I thought we couldn't do actual "selling" out of our rooms, but if we can put a tag on the door, then that's good to know. Makes things a lot easier! I had thought for some reason we couldn't indicate in a specific way that we were selling something like that -- but I was definitely going to put a note on the board! It would definitely be a lot easier if I had the time to get them duped, then I wouldn't have to worry about pre-"orders".

[elynross.livejournal.com]

Yes, if it just looks like a door hanger, I think that should be fine, something with your name on it, what have you. And as long as you're there while it's hanging. *g*

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

In what universe are you ugly and fat? Is there some kind of bizarro world I don't know about? Because the first time I met you I thought "Wow. I've always wanted to look like her." You're lovely and you carry yourself beautifully. And you're tall, which I long to be. Maybe in my next life.

And if we're sharing neuroses, mine is that no one wants to hang out with me because I am duller than the dullest white toast, and people would rather sit alone in their rooms because they'll have a better chance of staying awake than if they were with me. So I'd love to hang out with you, but clearly you're smarter than to hang out with me. I'd love to ask to sit with you at a vidshow, but why would you want to sit with me? (etc, and so on.)

Our brains are really screwed up things. We have mirror neuroses here.

I have nothing to wear for CV. But I dance, no matter how much I suck at it. Come hang out with us and you will have the comfort of at least looking much better than the short fat girl with the frizzy hair making an ass of herself. ;)

[namastenancy.livejournal.com]

Good grief - what mirror are you looking in, woman? Because you did post a picture once and I thought you were/are quite attractive. Now, I'm an artist and I should know so end of argument!

ps. Don't be sick
psss. Maybe there's a 12-step program for vidders (Vidders, Annon, Ltd?) except that I don't want you to join. Your vids are too good.

[destina.livejournal.com]

I am a kindred spirit who does not dance at Club Vivid and always feels like an awkward dork because of that. And also, this:

I think this year will be worse because it's not only a sloooow, ponderous, inscrutable vid

Mine is slow and ponderous as well, and is also much better than it would have been otherwise thanks to Laura, and I almost didn't put it in Premieres because it's slow, and then I had tech problems and now I'm terrified that the sound won't synch properly, and so in conclusion: you can puke on my shoes if I can puke on yours, because I'm getting queasy just thinking about it. *g*

I'm really looking forward to seeing you. :)

[destina.livejournal.com]

I wonder if many of us are actually feeling this way, inside...

Many do, I suspect. I often do. I was kind of terrified to talk to you, the first time I saw you at the con. And so I didn't. *g* But I guess in general I just don't talk to people unless they say hi first, because I always have this horrible feeling people will be like oh, lord, why is *she* tagging along? Which is silly, I know. I have plenty of lovely friends in fandom who (I hope) don't feel that way. But still.

[anoel.livejournal.com]

I'm already afraid of being alone at Vividcon, largely because of that same belief. I'm hoping I'll be able to approach some people and I'm happy to hang out with anyone there. I'm looking forward to meeting you and as for fandoms, there's always BtVS/AtS or trying to get people to join in your favorite fandoms. I can't wait to see your vid, I'm sure it'll be great. And btw, I loved your Polaroid vid from last year, it was wonderful.

[justacat.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry about that - I have heard this from other people; there seems to be something about me that makes people terrified to approach me, and I hate that! It's one of the reasons I really like getting to know people online before meeting them in person - seems to make it easier. But ... I'm not scary, or at least I don't think I am, and inside, whatever it appears, I'm pretty constantly fighting my pervasive feelings of inadequacy and unlikeability and extraneousness (the "oh lord, why is *she* tagging along" feeling - tolerated, maybe, but never *wanted*) - perhaps on me that manifests itself as ... distance or something, but it's really just fear and awkwardness, and it makes me hesitant to approach people, too - I always fear I'm intruding.

Man, we tie ourselves in knots, don't we ...

[melinafandom.livejournal.com]

You are welcome to sit with me in the con suite (anytime after Joxer, that's probably where I'll be) and OMG WTF YOU ARE NOT FAT.

[permetaform]

::ponders:: er.

So like, I wanted to pop by and drop a note asking about if I should link to your vidsite for The Man Song for the Collage Vids listing, which, I mean, I'm still curious about how your group would like it to be credited and linked to but. well:

::HUGS:: I admit I don't much read your journal because it at times gets too depressing for me, especially this past year because of various changes that'd been going on and I'm just trying to keep my own shit together, but well.

Well, see, one thing that really really helps me is clinging on tightly, tightly, to the fact that everybody else is probably as nervous as I am. And like...I mean I'm not sure how to word this especially because I'm not sure how you're going to react to this and I know that you don't take praise well, but like, I'm always sorta nervous talking to you because I love a lot of your work, I adore Loaded Gun, and I think that you have a great sense of timing and story and emotion, despite the fact that I sometimes can't connect to the emtion in your vids because sometimes my emotions aren't coming from the same place yours are.

Like...meeting people at a con scares me shitless, partly because I'm an introvert, and like, y'know, I become sorta bottled panic, which causes me to be so much with the exhausted...sorta like manic-exhausted where at one point I'm hyper and another I'm damn near braindead. and like...just...fuckit, I'm babbling. ::headdesk::

Or like, in essence:

::hugs::