This anchor I'm dragging

[gwyn]

Keep meaning to post but of course I never do. Part of it is that I feel like all I am is depressed and my life is somewhat out of control, and so there's no fun in reading that, and part of it is that I'm in so much pain all the time that it's difficult. The things I try to do for my back are being undercut a lot by the problems in my wrists and hands, sometimes the pain in my right hand and arm is so intense it doubles me over. I'm probably piling carpal tunnel on top of arthritis, but since I live in a garbage fire of a country where there is no affordable health care for someone like me who is self employed and not currently raking in much dough, figuring out options is pretty limited.

I was going to try some new things--getting a vertical mouse to see if that might help with editing, and trying a keyboard that splits apart into two halves that you can position in a more natural way for the wrists and that has a cord that connects the two halves, but then Blues kitty got sick and now a lot of that's on hold. I was also looking into replacing my sectional sofa with a loveseat that reclines so that I could also find a way to bring work out there and if I'm on something cushy, with a more ergonomic setup and slightly reclined, I think it'd be better. The recliney chair I work in right now isn't as good for writing, so I think an all-recliney situation would improve things a bit. But now...the estimate I got for bringing Blues in last night to the emergency vet was close to a thousand, they kept him overnight and don't really know what's wrong with him but he's a pretty sick kitty.

That's on top of the vet visit two weeks ago, which was $400. And my client is two months past due on my invoice, and and and... Things are not great. A couple people have suggested doing a funding account. As much as that pains me, I might have to. I'm trying to sell a lot of things off but that's slow going, and doesn't help quite enough. (YouCaring got absorbed by the evil gofundme, didn't they? I odn't even really know how people are doing crowd funding these days.)

I'm just waiting to hear from the vet but it's almost noon and still nothing. He had diarrhea for days, then vomiting, and just when I was getting ready to take him in on Thanksgiving, he seemed to come back to life and ate some of the boiled chicken I made him. But yesterday and the evening before he was super lethargic and just seemed to want to sleep, wouldn't even drink water. He's always been a barfy kitty and he seems to get into things no matter how carefully I remove things he could get into, but he comes around after a day or so, once I put him on a sort of fast. Didn't seem to work this time.

I'm not fond of this place, but there's no emergency or walkin vet near me, and I used to take my fosters there for a few years. They never killed any of them, and some of the dogs were in pretty bad shape, but I just never had a good vibe and I always hated going there. Naturally, I got the doctor I most disliked, he always seemed really rough to me--maybe it's a cultural difference (he's Sikh) but it bugged me nonetheless. And I've just never had to leave Blues overnight for anything, and I'm really sad.

Did not help at all that I looked at the claims spreadsheet for the Stucky AU Big Bang that I signed up for and literally no one wanted my fic. The claims had pretty much stopped and no interest; there's still a bunch in the files that haven't been chosen, not enough artists I guess, not enough interest in the rest of us. I really should have just asked if I could drop out; I don't really like the idea of someone being forced to work with me and the person who did "claim" mine eventually probably only did it because they're assigning pinch hitters and such. It feels like "gee, I'm sorry you got stuck with my shitty fic." And maybe if I drop out they'd be happy about it, who knows.

I kept thinking it was a story that would be ripe for art (Steve and/or Bucky in glasses and snazzy suits!), and this'd be a good way to link up with an artist because I'm too cowardly to ask any of the artists I love if they'd be interested in collaborating, but it's turned out to be more demoralizing than anything. Plus the length of the timeline is insanely long, and posting doesn't even begin until next February, what.

T-day was spent mostly cleaning up barf, but I did get a drive-by pieing from minim-calibre, which was awesome, and I made myself some excellent brussels sprouts and some mashed potatoes, so that was okay. I tried to watch some things on Netflix but couldn't get in at all, so ended up defaulting to my favorite watch, Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Trying very hard to write on my last follow-up story for Celluloid Hero so I can post as usual on my birthday Wednesday. I mean, almost no one cares about this series at all, but I did say I'd do three more, so.

Comments

[jenab]

*Hugs*

If you ever get the chance a vertical mouse would be great for carpal tunnel. I have one at work and its done wonders to stop most of the pain and numbness.

[cesperanza]

Ugh, I'm sorry there's so much crap piling up on you. The holidays are hard, and don't underestimate the bad influence of lack of light post fallback. Hang in, breathe, do self-care and at the very least, walks and water!

[aurumcalendula]

*hugs*

[musesfool]

*hugs*

[kass]

I send love and I hug you up from afar. <3

[gwyn]

would you mind if I asked you about it? I've been asking around here of people I know and no one has used either a vertical mouse or a detachable keyboard (whenever I say split keyboard, everyone thinks I'm talking about those old awful Microsoft things but that's my big fear, that the one I'm looking at will be as crappy, and the best one is over $300, so that's not happening).

Which model do you use? The Esomething one (I keep wanting to say emoluments...hah) is pretty pricey, and I've seen reviews that say the matte finish gets gross and comes off due to hand oils. But the cheaper Anker one. seems to also have a lot of detractors. I was thinking of getting a wired one just because my wireless tiny mouse eats batteries, and the Anker reviews seem to say that it has no life span. But if wireless is better, I'll go with that.

How long was your learning curve? This is the thing I'm honestly afraid of--it'll take me forever to learn, I fear, because I'm an old dog and those are new tricks. The laptop keyboards are honestly the primary source of my pain, and I should probabl give up writing until I can try a splittable board, but I can probably squeeze a mouse in easier.

[muccamukk]

I hope your kitty is better soon, and the the vet bills aren't too high.

For the BB claims, I've been claimed last minute by an artist who appeared to love my story. Sometimes people wander in later. Though I've also not been claimed at all, which sucks.

[jenab]

Not at all.

I have both a vertical mouse and split keyboard but the keyboard is not detachable. I've been using them for about three years now and its helped quite a bit.

I'm using the Evoluent mouse Work paid for it but it sells for just over $100 CAD on Amazon. It doesn't get gunky or or gross and is easy to clean.

I think it took me a day or two for my learning curve. It's really strange at first but I found I quickly got use to it and have such a hard time using any other type of mouse.

Please feel free to ask me any other questions any time.

[mackiemesser]

For what it's worth, I've used one of the Anker mice for a year or so, and now that I've got a private office again I'm going to bring it in to work. I find it helps a lot when doing short movements with lots of clicking.

I'm super sorry that Blues is sick. I remember very well how tough all of Hagrid's illnesses were, and I wish you weren't having to deal with it.

[saraht]

I hope the kitty recovers quickly. (Maybe it would feel less "selfish" to you to do a fundraiser solely for the kitty's expenses?)

[kore]

//hugs you

I'm so sorry about your kitty, and that things are so tough. FWIW I love the Celluloid Heroes stories and your period Stucky writing in general, it's brilliant.

[spikedluv]

I'm sorry that you're feeling down and that are in pain. I'm also sorry that your kitty isn't feeling well. *hugs*

I didn't enter the Stucky BB because of time, but I've entered BBs before where I wondered if my fic was going to get chosen. It sucks.

Yay for a rewatch of CA:TWS! Always a good use of time. *g*

[grammarwoman]

That is a lot - I'm sorry. *HUGS*

Maybe you could put up a Kofi or something so people could donate for your birthday? Hope things get better soonest, in any case.

[elynross]

I'm so sorry about Blue. You know that I know that feeling. :(

If you figure it out, I definitely think you should do fundraising; try to think of it as giving those to whom you've been generous and/or given pleasure an opportunity to do something for you? You really do give a gift when you let others help you; so often there's literally nothing we can do when someone else has troubles. This is a case where it's genuinely possible to help!

FWIW, I've seen at least one other fan who just set up a paypal button on a post that let people directly donate. And I know another fan who did use Go Fund Me, successfully, but I'm behind, I didn't know it was evil...

[destina]

<3 Keep an eye on your snail mail, I sent you something this morning.