somniloquence

pssst: I'll let you in on a secret--I don't really believe in closure.

AAAAAAAAAHAHAH YUP

Such a stupid fucking idea, I mean, "closure" like closing a door and lalala, everything is all over and Fixed? People don't work that way. NOBODY works that way. I mean, maybe when we DIE we get "closure" on something, but uh, I don't think that's how most people mean it. For me acceptance is a process, forgiveness is a process, recovery is a process. It's all ongoing. It's like Peter S Beagle said, "There are no happy endings, because nothing ends." Which sounded weird at first to me, because there's death and even entropy, but for everything conscious and alive it's all this ongoing Now.

I remember after my sister died people were talking about closure or moving on or whatever, finding peace and acceptance, and I'd be like "what does that even look like?"

//FACEDESK

Yeah, and it's still a big concept in at least US psychiatry today. You take a pill, you aren't depressed! You do x weeks of PTSD therapy, you no longer have it! Bullshit. It's like, some things you don't get over, and even the not-getting-over is part of dealing with it, if that makes sense, which it probably doesn't. I think there's a huge stigma against grief and depression and dealing with trauma in a way that isn't "Well let's just EMDR ourselves right out of it." But healing isn't erasing, we can't just make things unhappen.

So for me it's a process of just trying to make it less important and make room for other things, not--ending them, I guess. I can't see how it could be any other way for Bucky, especially, since he will never be free of what they did to him.

OH yeah, seriously. It's like that Dr Who ep about van Gogh, the pile of good things and the pile of bad things. I loved that. The bad things don't cancel the good things out, but it works the other way around, too.

Last year I went to San Diego for the first time since sis_r died and it was strange but also felt like I'd made an important step. I think both of them could see it as a first step. I'd hope so.

Aww, I'm glad you did that. It does sound like a real and big first step. A lot of times those are the hardest. At least for me, a lot.