Angsting...
Feb. 11th, 2003 01:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynI've never felt like this before. And I don't even have any place or anyone I can talk to about this, so I guess I'm working out my issues here. Sorry. :-)
Today we got word from our main office that there were definitely going to be more layoffs -- we'd all been expecting it, those of us on the skeleton crew who have no more work to do since the last of the jobs trickled through here and our old boss stole all the upcoming work away from us. They started doing this thing recently where they actually tell you that they're going to lay off X number of people, and offering volunteer layoff status -- all the "bennies" of layoff, but none of the waiting and unpleasant meeting with the too-tanned oily guy who runs things.
The thing is, it's so unlikely I won't be laid off, that taking it now seems the logical move. I've seen freelance jobs available for someone with my skill set on some lists I'm on, only I couldn't take them without knowing I'd have income, even in the form of unemployment, until they actually axed me from here. But the market is awful for editors in Seattle. And I don't want to do the hell commute to Microsoft every day, assuming I could even get hired at the Evil Empire. And the evil ex-boss who stole our accounts keeps pinging me to come contract for him, so even though I think he's a sleaze and I dislike him intensely and the place he works, it's at least a good source to start with.
And I would be away from my supervisor, who has grown so mean and dispiriting lately (she was always mean, but had a nice side when she was in a good mood) that I loathe coming to work, aside from working in the pit of Seattle: Pioneer Square. Not that I'm guaranteed better situations as a freelancer, but I could leave if I had to. So in a lot of respects, volunteering to be laid off makes a lot of sense.
And yet I feel miserable because I'm so scared of losing my house, of not being able to make payments on things. Of being actually not half the editor I've been told I am, and not getting work because people are disappointed in me. There's this niggling thought that I might be spared the axe, especially if the other editor here leaves, which I'm pretty sure he's going to do. Like, maybe they'll be so desperate for my help! But of course, they could hire me as a freelancer, even though I haven't a clue how that all works.
I've once before been asked to make a life-altering decision in a very short time-frame, and that was when my mother's life hung in the balance during her cancer surgery -- and I was all alone, forced to make a decision that might kill her immediately or ultimately. I feel that same pressure right now, that lack of knowledge of outcomes, of panic in the immediate and panic in the long-term. I have no idea which way to go -- let the decision play out, or take action to change my life. In some ways, it will be nice to finally start the next chapter of my life. In others, it's terrifying.
And here I was, worried about how on earth to categorize my two new pieces of fanfic. har har.
Today we got word from our main office that there were definitely going to be more layoffs -- we'd all been expecting it, those of us on the skeleton crew who have no more work to do since the last of the jobs trickled through here and our old boss stole all the upcoming work away from us. They started doing this thing recently where they actually tell you that they're going to lay off X number of people, and offering volunteer layoff status -- all the "bennies" of layoff, but none of the waiting and unpleasant meeting with the too-tanned oily guy who runs things.
The thing is, it's so unlikely I won't be laid off, that taking it now seems the logical move. I've seen freelance jobs available for someone with my skill set on some lists I'm on, only I couldn't take them without knowing I'd have income, even in the form of unemployment, until they actually axed me from here. But the market is awful for editors in Seattle. And I don't want to do the hell commute to Microsoft every day, assuming I could even get hired at the Evil Empire. And the evil ex-boss who stole our accounts keeps pinging me to come contract for him, so even though I think he's a sleaze and I dislike him intensely and the place he works, it's at least a good source to start with.
And I would be away from my supervisor, who has grown so mean and dispiriting lately (she was always mean, but had a nice side when she was in a good mood) that I loathe coming to work, aside from working in the pit of Seattle: Pioneer Square. Not that I'm guaranteed better situations as a freelancer, but I could leave if I had to. So in a lot of respects, volunteering to be laid off makes a lot of sense.
And yet I feel miserable because I'm so scared of losing my house, of not being able to make payments on things. Of being actually not half the editor I've been told I am, and not getting work because people are disappointed in me. There's this niggling thought that I might be spared the axe, especially if the other editor here leaves, which I'm pretty sure he's going to do. Like, maybe they'll be so desperate for my help! But of course, they could hire me as a freelancer, even though I haven't a clue how that all works.
I've once before been asked to make a life-altering decision in a very short time-frame, and that was when my mother's life hung in the balance during her cancer surgery -- and I was all alone, forced to make a decision that might kill her immediately or ultimately. I feel that same pressure right now, that lack of knowledge of outcomes, of panic in the immediate and panic in the long-term. I have no idea which way to go -- let the decision play out, or take action to change my life. In some ways, it will be nice to finally start the next chapter of my life. In others, it's terrifying.
And here I was, worried about how on earth to categorize my two new pieces of fanfic. har har.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Hugs
Date: 2003-02-11 03:37 pm (UTC)On the boring practical side, the advice I was given was to have as much a cash reserve set aside as you can manage. The conventional wisdom was 1 years living expenses before you started your own business/went freelance – but any amount can help reduce the stress and offers more options.
I usually try to hedge my bets – and have multiple back-up plans. This last year I have learned that life is not like a box of chocolates – unless they are of the Monty Python/spring toady kind.
But I still want to tip the box open and see what might be inside.
Angsting
Date: 2003-02-11 03:55 pm (UTC)Sin
no subject
Date: 2003-02-11 04:45 pm (UTC)See you soon!
no subject
Date: 2003-02-11 04:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-02-11 05:02 pm (UTC)I am not clear on what you are saying, though. Are you saying that if you opt for the voluntary termination, you definitely won't be eligible for unemployment? And that your only chance for unemployment benefits is contingent on (hyperbole alert) staying until they pry your fingers off of your keyboard? Because I don't think that's correct. I mean, your separation from the company is not really voluntary. It's just the terms of your separation that you are trying to negotiate. You should be eligible. Maybe HR can help you with this, or if you belong to a professional organization, maybe they can. Also, try to keep your morale up enough to make severance demands beyond what's being typically offered to everyone else. It's not set in stone. You don't ask, you don't get. Yeah, maybe after you leave, they will say, Well, gosh, she certainly was strident and troublesome. Too bad, so sad....
Now I must try to think of something that would actually be helpful to you....oh, okay.
You are feeling very relaxed, very peaceful. Your body is light and comfortable as it floats on a graham cracker raft in a gentle sea of warm chocolate. You are holding a golden goblet; now you trail the goblet in the chocolate, then raise it to your firm yet supple lips, and drink the sweet, warm, nourishing, endorphinated nectar. You are suffused with the conviction that you can do anything...
Endorphinated necter!
Date: 2003-02-11 05:09 pm (UTC)What they've done is basically give us a heads-up on the layoffs that are coming, which before, we never got. Just suddenly too-tanned oily guy shows up and some of us are gone. This time, they also offered people the chance to volunteer to be laid off -- sort of the dead pool, I guess. And I just am so torn -- I don't know that there's any real financial incentive to volunteer, as opposed to the regular layoff. We get all the same deal -- unemployment, severance, vacation. But there may be *some* small incentive to volunteer, they just haven't specified. A lot of people want to volunteer, so in the end, I may be stuck here. If I quit, no unemployment -- but if they lay me off, then I can at least get that while I shop for work.
And I'm not having a lot of luck finding a new job to get away from boss monster.
In the end, I decided not to volunteer -- my dad said, "I learned in the Army (he's a decorated WWII vet) never to volunteer." I'm taking that advice,e ven though it could really stick me in another bad chapter.
Arg. Thank you so much for all the kind thoughts, though -- to everyone. It makes it a lot easier to know that I'm not as alone as I feel.
Re: Endorphinated nectar!
Date: 2003-02-11 05:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-02-11 09:35 pm (UTC)And, you know, you get misery whichever way you choose. Just different kinds and different levels. Ain't no happy place to be when layoffs are happening at your company.
Lots of sympathy and virtual hot tea and virtual shoulder rubs. Take care of you.