Feeling crappy and sappy about everything
Jun. 3rd, 2003 11:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynDo you ever get that feeling where you just feel crappy and sappy and tired, for no special reason? Not really depression, per se, just a kind of miserable ennui that totally ennervates you? I need something to bounce me back -- I hate this kind of feeling, where all you want to do is whine, even though that doesn't really get you anywhere.
I should be excited that I signed up to go to Vividcon (the vidder's con), for instance, but instead I keep wondering why I did. I don't really belong there, since if you're not posting vids online, no one gives a rat's ass about you (and I sure as shit don't have the money to buy space somewhere); but mostly, I know I'm in for a really lonely weekend and am wondering why I would spend this kind of money to go feel conspicuously alone. Despite![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
killabeez discussing with me last night the possibility of running a panel together, I feel like, since most of my friends won't likely be able to go to the con, I'm going to be one of those people sitting in the bar drinking pathetically by themselves or in their room watching the free HBO they don't normally get. Which seems paradoxical, since, you know, the point of going to cons is to see people. But I've never been one of those people who is "seen" -- besides the tiny handful of friends I see at Escapade each year, I'm not one of those types who get invited to things, and I nearly have to beg people to do things if my small group of friends are busy. Not in with the in crowd, and I don't have an in crowd of my own (still working on that job application for minions). Plus, I dread the potential backlash of bringing the Spike and Buffy vid I'm working on, with the anti-Spuffy feeling I keep seeing around me everywhere.
Making vids on a computer at last should also be making me feel perkier, but instead I've had a number of people thump on the program I'm using, instead of encouraging me. At leastfeochadn and a couple other people encouraged me and gave me feedback. It's so cool to be able to take feedback at long last and change things without being afraid... I still feel this weird fear of changing anything, as if I'm going to ruin the vid by futzing with it. It's going to be hard to change that feeling, and I know I'm making puny progress on this thing. Dumping clips and getting the right clips is taking far longer than I'd thought.
And my mood is probably not in the least helped by reading the hectoring posts that seem to imply that those of us who were devastated by Spike's last scene in the Buffy finale somehow are bad fans because we didn't see happiness and love in Spike's denial of Buffy's statement. It's really annoying to feel so bereft and sad for a character you loved, and then be told that you're not a real fan or haven't been watching the "right" show because you saw sad acceptance instead of happy belief. It's also weird to be lectured about expectations -- in a couple places I've seen people take fans like me to task for not accepting the Spuffy as is, but instead wanting other things from it. I mean... for pete's sake, that's why I write fanfic. Because I love what's on the show, and I want more from it than the show will give me. What's so terrible about wishing for other things? What's so awful about wanting Spike to have felt loved, instead of resigned acceptance that it wasn't the thing he'd wanted? If we didn't wish, we wouldn't write fanfic. At least, that's how I see it. So now I feel like I can't talk about my disappointments and feelings over the finale, for fear of being held up as an example of a Bad Fan, when I always thought I was a pretty loving fan, a Good Fan. I wish I could see what others saw in his face and heard in his voice, but I can't find it. And in not finding it, somehow I merit the scarlet B.
I have ideas for fic, too, but can't seem to commit. Ennui, like I said. I'm partway through the second chapter of the WIP, but wondering if it's even working or not, and I've had this idea rollng around for a long time of third season Buffy getting together, briefly, with Spike in LA. Not even sure I could make that work, or where I'd find the time to write it.
The garden is going to hell in a handbasket. I hate my job more and more every day, mostly because of the craptastic environment and all the good people being gone, leaving only crappy horrid people. My so-called friends don't return e-mails or calls and sooner or later you have to realize that you're doing all the work of the "friendship", and it isn't worth it. Ex just got remarried, as if the message is that being a cheating sneak and a sleaze gets you the rewards of Happiness Forever, whereas those of us who were wronged get nothing. Bleh. This is what I mean. Right now, it all feels like a big fat whine, and what's the use in that? Time to stop whining, pull up those bootstraps, and go outside on this beautiful day to listen to a wino or registered sex offender make lewd remarks at me. That always perks me up.
I should be excited that I signed up to go to Vividcon (the vidder's con), for instance, but instead I keep wondering why I did. I don't really belong there, since if you're not posting vids online, no one gives a rat's ass about you (and I sure as shit don't have the money to buy space somewhere); but mostly, I know I'm in for a really lonely weekend and am wondering why I would spend this kind of money to go feel conspicuously alone. Despite
killabeez discussing with me last night the possibility of running a panel together, I feel like, since most of my friends won't likely be able to go to the con, I'm going to be one of those people sitting in the bar drinking pathetically by themselves or in their room watching the free HBO they don't normally get. Which seems paradoxical, since, you know, the point of going to cons is to see people. But I've never been one of those people who is "seen" -- besides the tiny handful of friends I see at Escapade each year, I'm not one of those types who get invited to things, and I nearly have to beg people to do things if my small group of friends are busy. Not in with the in crowd, and I don't have an in crowd of my own (still working on that job application for minions). Plus, I dread the potential backlash of bringing the Spike and Buffy vid I'm working on, with the anti-Spuffy feeling I keep seeing around me everywhere. Making vids on a computer at last should also be making me feel perkier, but instead I've had a number of people thump on the program I'm using, instead of encouraging me. At least
feochadn and a couple other people encouraged me and gave me feedback. It's so cool to be able to take feedback at long last and change things without being afraid... I still feel this weird fear of changing anything, as if I'm going to ruin the vid by futzing with it. It's going to be hard to change that feeling, and I know I'm making puny progress on this thing. Dumping clips and getting the right clips is taking far longer than I'd thought.And my mood is probably not in the least helped by reading the hectoring posts that seem to imply that those of us who were devastated by Spike's last scene in the Buffy finale somehow are bad fans because we didn't see happiness and love in Spike's denial of Buffy's statement. It's really annoying to feel so bereft and sad for a character you loved, and then be told that you're not a real fan or haven't been watching the "right" show because you saw sad acceptance instead of happy belief. It's also weird to be lectured about expectations -- in a couple places I've seen people take fans like me to task for not accepting the Spuffy as is, but instead wanting other things from it. I mean... for pete's sake, that's why I write fanfic. Because I love what's on the show, and I want more from it than the show will give me. What's so terrible about wishing for other things? What's so awful about wanting Spike to have felt loved, instead of resigned acceptance that it wasn't the thing he'd wanted? If we didn't wish, we wouldn't write fanfic. At least, that's how I see it. So now I feel like I can't talk about my disappointments and feelings over the finale, for fear of being held up as an example of a Bad Fan, when I always thought I was a pretty loving fan, a Good Fan. I wish I could see what others saw in his face and heard in his voice, but I can't find it. And in not finding it, somehow I merit the scarlet B.
I have ideas for fic, too, but can't seem to commit. Ennui, like I said. I'm partway through the second chapter of the WIP, but wondering if it's even working or not, and I've had this idea rollng around for a long time of third season Buffy getting together, briefly, with Spike in LA. Not even sure I could make that work, or where I'd find the time to write it.
The garden is going to hell in a handbasket. I hate my job more and more every day, mostly because of the craptastic environment and all the good people being gone, leaving only crappy horrid people. My so-called friends don't return e-mails or calls and sooner or later you have to realize that you're doing all the work of the "friendship", and it isn't worth it. Ex just got remarried, as if the message is that being a cheating sneak and a sleaze gets you the rewards of Happiness Forever, whereas those of us who were wronged get nothing. Bleh. This is what I mean. Right now, it all feels like a big fat whine, and what's the use in that? Time to stop whining, pull up those bootstraps, and go outside on this beautiful day to listen to a wino or registered sex offender make lewd remarks at me. That always perks me up.
