Feeling crappy and sappy about everything

[gwyn]

Do you ever get that feeling where you just feel crappy and sappy and tired, for no special reason? Not really depression, per se, just a kind of miserable ennui that totally ennervates you? I need something to bounce me back -- I hate this kind of feeling, where all you want to do is whine, even though that doesn't really get you anywhere.



I should be excited that I signed up to go to Vividcon (the vidder's con), for instance, but instead I keep wondering why I did. I don't really belong there, since if you're not posting vids online, no one gives a rat's ass about you (and I sure as shit don't have the money to buy space somewhere); but mostly, I know I'm in for a really lonely weekend and am wondering why I would spend this kind of money to go feel conspicuously alone. Despite killabeez discussing with me last night the possibility of running a panel together, I feel like, since most of my friends won't likely be able to go to the con, I'm going to be one of those people sitting in the bar drinking pathetically by themselves or in their room watching the free HBO they don't normally get. Which seems paradoxical, since, you know, the point of going to cons is to see people. But I've never been one of those people who is "seen" -- besides the tiny handful of friends I see at Escapade each year, I'm not one of those types who get invited to things, and I nearly have to beg people to do things if my small group of friends are busy. Not in with the in crowd, and I don't have an in crowd of my own (still working on that job application for minions). Plus, I dread the potential backlash of bringing the Spike and Buffy vid I'm working on, with the anti-Spuffy feeling I keep seeing around me everywhere.

Making vids on a computer at last should also be making me feel perkier, but instead I've had a number of people thump on the program I'm using, instead of encouraging me. At least feochadn and a couple other people encouraged me and gave me feedback. It's so cool to be able to take feedback at long last and change things without being afraid... I still feel this weird fear of changing anything, as if I'm going to ruin the vid by futzing with it. It's going to be hard to change that feeling, and I know I'm making puny progress on this thing. Dumping clips and getting the right clips is taking far longer than I'd thought.

And my mood is probably not in the least helped by reading the hectoring posts that seem to imply that those of us who were devastated by Spike's last scene in the Buffy finale somehow are bad fans because we didn't see happiness and love in Spike's denial of Buffy's statement. It's really annoying to feel so bereft and sad for a character you loved, and then be told that you're not a real fan or haven't been watching the "right" show because you saw sad acceptance instead of happy belief. It's also weird to be lectured about expectations -- in a couple places I've seen people take fans like me to task for not accepting the Spuffy as is, but instead wanting other things from it. I mean... for pete's sake, that's why I write fanfic. Because I love what's on the show, and I want more from it than the show will give me. What's so terrible about wishing for other things? What's so awful about wanting Spike to have felt loved, instead of resigned acceptance that it wasn't the thing he'd wanted? If we didn't wish, we wouldn't write fanfic. At least, that's how I see it. So now I feel like I can't talk about my disappointments and feelings over the finale, for fear of being held up as an example of a Bad Fan, when I always thought I was a pretty loving fan, a Good Fan. I wish I could see what others saw in his face and heard in his voice, but I can't find it. And in not finding it, somehow I merit the scarlet B.

I have ideas for fic, too, but can't seem to commit. Ennui, like I said. I'm partway through the second chapter of the WIP, but wondering if it's even working or not, and I've had this idea rollng around for a long time of third season Buffy getting together, briefly, with Spike in LA. Not even sure I could make that work, or where I'd find the time to write it.

The garden is going to hell in a handbasket. I hate my job more and more every day, mostly because of the craptastic environment and all the good people being gone, leaving only crappy horrid people. My so-called friends don't return e-mails or calls and sooner or later you have to realize that you're doing all the work of the "friendship", and it isn't worth it. Ex just got remarried, as if the message is that being a cheating sneak and a sleaze gets you the rewards of Happiness Forever, whereas those of us who were wronged get nothing. Bleh. This is what I mean. Right now, it all feels like a big fat whine, and what's the use in that? Time to stop whining, pull up those bootstraps, and go outside on this beautiful day to listen to a wino or registered sex offender make lewd remarks at me. That always perks me up.

Comments

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

*shrug*

I couldn't stand the finale. I thought most of season seven was painfully stupid. I think Buffy is a vicious abusive monster who deserves to die a slow painful death, and I'm hoping I'll never have to see her pinched little face ever again.

Some people will say that makes me a bad fan. Do I care? No. We all see different things when we watch the show, and there is absolutely no point in letting someone else dictate what you "should" see.

If people are making you feel like a bad fan, IGNORE THEM. They're no more correct than you are. You have every right to your own interpretation, and you shouldn't feel bad about posting it, ESPECIALLY in your own LiveJournal.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Laura! Don't mince words! ;-) Tell us how you really feel.

It's weird to me how fandom brings out the worst and best in people, sometimes. Since most of us are kind of fringey in the first place, just by being fans, you'd think we wouldn't criticize people with different interpretations, but we do. We're a weird little sect.

[sweet-ali.livejournal.com]

Firstly, as far as your Spuffy vid goes, there are still fans out there. i promise. Don't give it up b/c of that.

Secondly, those people who were ragging you because of how you felt about the finale...I'm sorry about that. You are entitled to your own opinion and those people are taking it unto themselves to try to change your opinion. And really? Not their job. Very personally? I enjoyed the finale, i enjoyed the Spuffy in the finale. Does it bother me that people are reacting so negatively? A bit. BUT that does not mean that they are wrong. There is no right, just opinion.

My advice to you? Do what I'm doing. Take a BIG OL' STEP back. Away from the boards a bit, the discussion, away from the repeats, even. Allow your mind to wrap itself around the finale and all the other aspects without anyone else's thoughts interfering. It's all almost too overwhelming now.

And your fic? Well, it's easy for me to say to you to forget all that and just focus on YOUR Spike and Buffy. Especially since i do not have a fanfic muse. But i do wish you would. It could be therapeutic.

Lastly, you have the blahs. We all get them and sometimes they last longer than we like. But ultimately, we crawl our way out and see that it all really doesn't suck that much after all.

Ever feeling the urge, juI'm available.

*kisses*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I do really have the blahs. Big fat ones that are sitting on my chest. I wish I knew why. I think it's like too many straws and camel's back went boom. Sometimes I go for months without a lot of fan interaction, and feel good about fandom, then I'll have a lot of intense fan interaction and get a lot of criticism (I hang out with way too many mean people) and it all builds up.

I do have to say that I enjoyed everything else about the finale, just that I have a hard time seeing Spike as believing what Buffy said. That's the only thing that bothers me. I wanted more for him, since he wanted that for so long. Everything else... I can't quite say I'm a naysayer, but for not seeing that one thing on his face or hearing it in his words, I feel like I'm being put in that box. Which, for some reason, just annoys the hell out of me.

[superplin.livejournal.com]

I can't quite say I'm a naysayer, but for not seeing that one thing on his face or hearing it in his words, I feel like I'm being put in that box. Which, for some reason, just annoys the hell out of me.

One thing that has surprised me about this whole fandom thing is the near-obsession with labels. Everyone is expected to state one's category up front and express a clear position on everything/everyone on the show: are you a shipper? what kind? redemptionista? evilista? kitten? duck? where do you stand on the Spike Issue(s)? Angel? Giles? Faith? Anya? Willow's sexuality? Buffy: grownup or shell? did the show jump the shark? when? what was clever and what was inexcusably retconned? out with a bang, a whimper, or a mercy killing? Marti Noxon: unjustly vilified or skank with issues? best season? worst season? best/worst villain? best/worst episode?

Based on your answers, you are shunted into the proper cage and your remarks on All That Is Buffy counted or discounted accordingly.
It's exhausting, at times.

I'm so sorry you're feeling pressured to buy into the love. It's one of those things that simply has to come from the gut, you either do or you don't, no one can, er, make you feel it. To immediately class you with the naysayers based on your gut reaction--which, on top of everything else, is also making you sad--is just adding insult to injury.

I used to hang around with the mean people, too. My solution was to get an LJ. You'll obviously have to come up with something else, but I do hope you find your way back to some serenity.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

One thing that has surprised me about this whole fandom thing is the near-obsession with labels. Everyone is expected to state one's category up front and express a clear position on everything/everyone on the show: are you a shipper? what kind? redemptionista? evilista? kitten? duck? where do you stand on the Spike Issue(s)? Angel? Giles? Faith? Anya? Willow's sexuality? Buffy: grownup or shell? did the show jump the shark? when? what was clever and what was inexcusably retconned? out with a bang, a whimper, or a mercy killing? Marti Noxon: unjustly vilified or skank with issues? best season? worst season? best/worst villain? best/worst episode?

You made me laugh with a big ol' snort of Pepsi up my nose over this. You're so right, and it's such a welcome relief to see someone say this. This perks me up a lot, hon.

[circe-tigana.livejournal.com]

That's very perceptive, Plin.

And Gwyn, I really did like the work in progress, and I want to see where it goes! I haven't gotten a chance to respond to your email yet, but if you'd like some ego boosting just ask, and I'll rhapsodize at length about why "Somniloquoy" is on my top fics list of all time :)

Plus, oogle the lovely Evil Angel icon! He's bound ot make you smile :)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

He is very, very pretty! I love the sunglasses and the prayer-like position of his hands. Oh, the irony!

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

Plin-- as so often, you say what I've been rolling my eyes about as well.

This whole neat categorising of people you only know bits and pieces about has never really worked in real life; how come people assume it works here in fandom?
All the quick labeling isn't only most annoying; it also never even comes close to an accurate view.

Yeah, so I'm this big ol' Spuffy. First and foremost. But tell you what? I like Angel, too. If he and Buffy hook up in the end, oh well. Fine. I *love* Faith and Buffy together. I find Spike and Xander strangely appealing as well--
frankly, I really don't mind half a dozen other pairings if they are well done and written convincingly.

After the categorising, of course, all the sniping and snerking at others starts-- which wouldn't always be a problem if it was done in good fun and with a healthy dose of respect for the other fan...but as we all know, frequently, that's not exactly the case...

[corngirl-jo.livejournal.com]

*hands gwyn a drink of choice*

And my mood is probably not in the least helped by reading the hectoring posts that seem to imply that those of us who were devastated by Spike's last scene in the Buffy finale somehow are bad fans because we didn't see happiness and love in Spike's denial of Buffy's statement.

I feel equally traumatized, if you will, to people's reaction to my reaction to the finale. As you know I happen to agree with you on every single thing. I've experienced ostracism of sort from the Spuffy fans. Nothing direct, but it's there, and it bothers me, but I am holding my ground.

I hated the finale. I hated what it did to Spike.

I find it sad, really, that the group of people that should be supportive of one another, cause they've been given enough shite from the rest of the Buffy fandom, B/Aers especially, is actually turning onto itself.

At times like this I am thankful the show is gone.

And while I most definitely shouldn't be after what hads been done to Spike, I AM holding out some fraction of hope for his appearance on "Angel" next season. Not that I expect a joyful reunion with Buffy, or "I didn't mean it" from Spike, but I need SOMETHING to quieten that sore spot in my heart that the fiale's brought about.

[corngirl-jo.livejournal.com]

I profusely appologize for my sucky spelling.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'd think that a little support might be in order, but then... I've been in fandom a really long time (not as long as some people I know, but long), and it's always been thus. I got out of XF pretty quickly because I could see how that was gonna go in terms of fan interactions, left all my lists and stopped reading usenet, etc. But I felt so involved here. Probably the emotional investment being higher has made us feel worse. You know, it's easier if you don't care, that kind of thing.

[corngirl-jo.livejournal.com]

You know, it's easier if you don't care, that kind of thing.

Yeah, but then - why be here in the first place?

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

One excellent question! (to badly paraphrase Giles)

People always say that to me -- that since they don't care as much as I do, or invest as heavily, they don't get upset. And I'm always like, wha? If you don't care, why the hell be a fan? What I think it means is "it's okay for me to be overly invested in what I like, but you should chill about your thing."

Of course, I'm the least charitable person I know, so... I could be, you know, saying mean things. ;-)

[corngirl-jo.livejournal.com]

I have loved many a show. And I have found that the more I do so, the more of an emotional rellercoaster they sent me on. Sometimes I crashed and burned very badly. But I never regreted the moments when I soared high.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time! And people who are lecturing you shouldn't be doing so. Boo them.

*more hugs*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Hey, not rough, just blah! Not like ... having to stay up all night trying to deliver twins or something and everything going wrong. Believe me, I realize it's all just whining. The biggest difference between whining before and now is that people have to read it -- I never had an LJ before. It's way too easy to use it as a soapbox for your own silly pain. Especially when I don't have any reviews to write! ;-)

Vividcon

[melinafandom.livejournal.com]

gwyn, you silly.

First, there are going to be lots of people you know there. No need for you to be alone unless you want to. Which is okay, sometimes I need an hour alone at a con desperately :)

Second, there is no special focus on online vids or vidders. Not at all. The vids in the shows last year came from all over.

Third, I really hope you do the panel -- you and Killa will be wonderful together, and I'm already looking forward to it.

Lastly, I'm in charge of the con suite, so if you ever feel bored or lonely, just come find me!

And I'm looking forward to seeing your vid!! And seeing you at Vividcon!

Re: Vividcon

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, I mean, I know there's lots of folks I know, but most of them have their crowds and friends, and I'd feel like a dork trying to push myself into space that people have carved out to be with their friends and fan groups.

But it's good to know that you're in charge of the con suite -- hell, i didn't even know there was a con suite! You might be trying to disattach me by the end of the con.

Feeling crappy etc

[(Anonymous)]

I'm still bummed too about Spike and Buffy. I have rewatched their last scene several times. And it still looks to me like he doesn't believe her.

Although he may have moved beyond needing that, I still see disappointment in his expression.

And I feel like Spike did in "Entropy." I want to go to the Magic Box and find a spell that will make the hurting stop. But there is no Magic Box. Even if there was, it's gone now, collapsed into the crater.

Go here http://www.scoopme.com/tv/articles/default.asp?article_id=108116

This will probably make you cry, but you'll feel better after reading it. Particularly read the very end of the article.

Diane - dkfeatherstone@yahoo.com