When I'm awfully low

[gwyn]

Back at the gym today after a week away, due to various factors. I didn't even get a chance to walk much last week to make up for it. It was much quieter today, and I'm hopeful that's a sign some of the noisier people are back at school or something. Guy who loves himself and tells everyone loudly about it is still there, but I noticed he was down to a one person, probably his girlfriend, so that automatically dampens the sound level. Without toadies, he's muted.

I feel very discouraged -- I haven't lost any noticeable weight after four months, and I don't think I'm going to lose any at all. Nothing looks different. I know I'm battling two major factors: i'm almost fifty (god, I hate saying that so very much), and I'm taking an antidepressant that I hear makes it harder to lose weight. I know it's supposed to be its own reward to be in shape, but I also need my clothes to fit because I don't have the money for new ones. I've been trying to wear things lately I haven't worn for a long time, but it's just uncomfortable. I can do longer, harder walks than before, so I realize there's progress, but it doesn't seem like anything outside is changing. It's difficult to battle the "what's the point if it doesn't help" thoughts. And I don't have a support network, before you ask.

I'm into my fourth week with the aligners as of today. I'm better at taking them off now, but when I start a new set, that's when I have the most trouble. Keeping them clean is a real challenge -- I'm seeing now how incredibly deep the grooves in my teeth are (which dentists have always worried about) and how rounded the shapes are, so that brushing them is a challenge because of the pockets and crannies. I still have moments of gagginess, sometimes at odd moments when I just realize that there are these things in my mouth.

However, my teeth are already straighter. It's quite fascinating. I looked at the fourth set and they really don't look all that different from the first, but they are. And even just on my second set here, I'm kind of astonished at how many of my teeth are are straightening quite well. My fangs are now pointing straight up and down instead of inward and forward. I'm most interested to see how it adjusts my bite.

Mostly I think it's just making me feel even uglier and more worthless than usual. I've felt really down and isolated and unwanted lately, and there's something about being old, fat, ugly, and having braces, even invisible ones, that just make you feel... well, honestly, except for the old part? This is just like when I was a 13-year-old starting a new school in a new area and being made fun of relentlessly and being friendless. Except I had acne then, too, although my skin has been horrible lately due to body changes and so I suppose that's not far behind.

I want to be excited about the fall tv season but nothing is floating my boat (except Glee). Even though two of my fave recent series have vampires in them, I'm not a vampire person at all, and so I will wait to see what people think of Vampire Diaries and if it sounds like a possibility, I guess I'll check it out. But that's almost the only thing I can see of interest. Everything else just sounds so derivative. But I'll still give most series, especially dramas, a shot by taking a look at their premieres just to be on the safe side. At least there's a bit of Project Runway still to come, Chuck midseason, and Burn Notice in January too. And DirectTV is showing all the episodes of Eyes starting in a couple weeks, so that will be nice to see the stuff I never got to before.

I'm really enjoying their 101 channel's showings of series that were cancelled and never got their eps burned off on network TV -- I recently watched both Smith and The Nine, and they showed Showtime's Sleeper Cell (where I first saw Star Trek reboot's Capt. Robau, and thought he was hot then too), and now they're running Oz and Deadwood, and it's so cool to see Deadwood in hi-def on the glorious widescreen TV. I'm still sad about losing my beloved Canadian station and a couple of the local sister stations of the affiliates, but... 101 kind of helps ease the sting.

What are you planning to watch this fall? Anything to sell me on besides Glee? (I have the pilot from iTunes, I just haven't watched it yet, but plan to.)

Comments

[destina.livejournal.com]

I'll be watching V, FlashForward, Vampire Diaries, and whatever else is science-fictiony. *g*

[wolffire.livejournal.com]

I hope you won't throw in the towel on going to the gym. I worked out for a long time without dramatic, or even any results. When I look back, there are two things that were part of my "it's finally working" story:

1) I started doing a "cleanse" every so often. That first one was the most dramatic and I think it was exactly the shock my metabolism needed to reset itself a bit. No booze, no caffeine, no refined sugar or flour, no dairy, no meat for a minimum of 1 week. (I journaled about it and am happy to talk about it if you have interest.)

2)I started working a job that requires me to use my body to get stuff done. Walking, lifting, carrying, and talking for a minimum of 4 hours/night for 2-3/nights/week means I'm burning more calories on a more regular basis. I also think that some of the repetitive stress I feel in certain places means I have better reinforcement to KEEP up with exercising BECAUSE I FEEL better. I sleep better, I find myself wanting to eat better, and I hurt less when I exercise more. And that last bit (hurt less with more exercise) is a very important one for me. Everyone's experiences are different, of course. I don't know what all of yours are. I just wanted to say I hope you will keep trying.

As for fall TV...no major suggestions.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm not going to give up, I promise. It's just discouraging and makes it a lot harder to go, to keep up with walking when I don't, etc. I never weight myself, it's just about fitting into things, being able to make use of my wardrobe and not feeling uncomfortable. Being in decent shape is a good thing, but I confess it's not my reward, I'm really just wishing I could fit into things better. Being in shape would be more of an extra bennie. I just feel more and more like it's neve going to happen.

[wolffire.livejournal.com]

Well, I say hang in there! Sometimes it takes a while.

[klia.livejournal.com]

I did a 4-week cleanse years ago, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Just thinking about it makes my whole body go weak. *wobbles*

[wolffire.livejournal.com]

heh, yeah, it was rough for me too. especially the first time. they got easier to do, though it has been long enough now that i suspect the next break i give to my liver and my digestive system will be a bit of a shock to the system. but, that's kinda the point. i'm thinking we (hubby and me) are going to try to do one mid-november before the holidays hit.

[klia.livejournal.com]

My problem is that I can never give up chocolate or meat, so I can never, ever retain the recommended eating habits post-cleanse.

[wolffire.livejournal.com]

ah. well, to me, the point of a cleanse is that it is a TEMPORARY change.

i do retain some of the changes for some time after i complete one, but the point was never to give up forever the food and drink that i give up on a cleanse. it is very literally just giving my systems a vacation from certain things. BECAUSE it is not meant to be a permanent change, it is something doable and something i can repeatedly succeed at. but, for sure, there are lots of different types of "cleanses" and lots of different goals. ymmv.

[klia.livejournal.com]

The cleanse I did stressed that, to maintain good health, you could never eat sugar or meat or white flour or anything deep fried or any type of processed food ever again. So, I guess that all or nothing philosophy really stuck in my head. *g*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

So, do you think V will be cringey, or a good reboot? That's what I'm on the fence about. Though it would be good to see Morena Baccarin again, especially if she eats rats. ;-)