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Thanks for sharing
Jun. 16th, 2004 10:29 amThere are conflagrations on a number of lists I'm on, and even in small private e-mail loops with friends, and I'm starting to wonder if it's the heat of summer (not that it's actually been hot here in Seattle, but I know the rest of the country actually has summer), or we just don't have enough to do, or... I've only been involved in one, but I'm starting to form a theory (I have a theory, it could be bunnies): Oversharing is a dangerous thing.
On the one list I'm on, where I actually helped perpetuate the problem, the reason I abreacted to something one person said (we'll call her Fan A) was that she said too damn much. Fan A had come on asking about something and where to find it, and I responded with information regarding two of the requests. Now, A could have left it alone, and just been gracious and said, thank you for the info. Or not even replied at all, if she didn't want it. But instead, A went into lengthy discourse about how she really didn't like that thing I gave the info on, and how much better her own thing was, and blah blah, which came across to some of us as sort of dismissive and snotty. Fan B went over the top and posted a cranky response, to which I (Fan C) replied, and then a Big Thing happened. Later, Fan A came back with an incredibly lengthy post again, explaining her shock at our reactions to a simple request, and reiterating her position (nevermind that it wasn't the request we responded to but her ungracious answer). Unfortunately, the amount of sharing only added to my picture of her as an (unintentional) snob -- she threw in wildly ridiculous cost justifications, made condescending remarks that, even though unintentional (probably), only served to make people who would already feel marginalized by her ealier comments even more so this time.
Basically, it was pages of oversharing that really didn't help clarify anything -- a simple: I'm really sorry for the misunderstanding, I just meant this and such, and then a gracious demurral might have worked a lot better. I wrote a lengthy, calm private post back, telling her why I'd thought initially that her remarks had been snotty, and how I was sorry about the miscommunication and problems, and that these [examples] might be the reason some of us reacted so negatively. Because seriously, it was just tons of information that really didn't enhance her initial communication, and probably only served to make it worse in some respects. I'm sure she'll tell me to blow it out my ass, but that's okay -- because the thing is, I'm speaking from experience. I'd tell me that, too, probably. It took me a long time to realize that sometimes the best course of action is just to say either nothing, or something very brief. I've burned myself with a blowtorch too many times (and still do) by saying too much, and it's not an easy lesson to learn, nor advice to hear.
And over on another list, one person overreacted out of sensitivity to a really, really loaded word, and then the original poster turned into a childish brat in response. And the thing is, she wouldn't have had to show herself that way if she'd just taken a moment to think about her post initially -- instead of using that loaded word, she could easily have asked about the piece in question and whether it might continue as a slash story or as het -- she didn't have to overshare about her feelings on slash, sex, stories, the greenhouse effect or anything else under the sun, and then the loaded word might easily have been avoided in the first place.
As someone who is regularly chewing on her own feet, I recognize this syndrome all too well. We feel like if we add to our question, or explain our response, we're somehow being more informative about our personal preferences, as if that will make a difference. Only, it rarely does. Mostly we end up saying something that could be misinterpreted or hurtful to others, especially because we have no way of knowing who out there in e-mail listland is already worn to a frazzle on the subject. For a slash fan who's had to deal with insults all through fandom, a simple off the cuff remark from a person going to great lengths to let everyone know she isn't into slash can seem more like a personal insult than that person ever intended. And for someone who's listened to people denigrate her artistic medium of choice for years, and be ostracized from her community because people no longer value that medium, an overexplanation of why someone doesn't want her art can be perceived, despite their best intentions, as a degrading slap in the face. You just never know, so explaining everything can really backfire.
When I was younger, I answered any compliment with a big explanation of why it wasn't as good as someone said it was. "That's a nice outfit" got the response of "Oh, I've had this in my closet forever and it doesn't fit, but I had to wear it even though it's too tight through the bust" or something. Or how bad my hair really was, or how ugly I was, or what a terrible writer I was, whatever. Someone finally took me aside and said, "please stop that. It offends people when they compliment you and are met with reasons their compliment is invalid. Grow up." And boy, did I. It's a constant battle with my self-esteemless self to do this, but now, I try to simply say thank you and shut up. If people provide me with info I don't want, or instruct me on something I can't do, I say, "thank you" and leave it. Because I've found that, especially on e-mail, every time I don't? I end up in hot water and lose friends. (Yet, just you wait, it will probably be something like next week where I fall into the trap again and make an ass of myself.)
Some of my friends accuse me of loving and fostering conflict because I don't run away from it like a big coward. Some people think that it's better to lie, obfuscate, or dissemble, to develop lengthy responses to things to skirt the issue, rather than be direct and simple. I can never agree with that, because I think that usually only fosters more conflict (which, btw, I hate). By going on at length with overblown reasoning and explaining it all for you, the person may actually be creating something conflicty they don't even see. But we've come to believe that a simple response is never good enough, or just asking a question without explaining why we're asking, is too rude or blunt. I think bluntness is aching for a comeback -- my belief is that the shorter the question or response, the clearer the thank you or whatever, the better off we'll all be, especially on lists where half the population is too immature to have experienced much foot in mouth disease like I have at the ripe old age of How Did I Get This Old, Again?
Or, maybe it's just the weather, and everyone's spoiling for a fight. But me, I'm thinking it's the dreaded Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You syndrome, and it's catching in summer months. I say be gracious but brief. That's my platform, if I ever run for office.
On the one list I'm on, where I actually helped perpetuate the problem, the reason I abreacted to something one person said (we'll call her Fan A) was that she said too damn much. Fan A had come on asking about something and where to find it, and I responded with information regarding two of the requests. Now, A could have left it alone, and just been gracious and said, thank you for the info. Or not even replied at all, if she didn't want it. But instead, A went into lengthy discourse about how she really didn't like that thing I gave the info on, and how much better her own thing was, and blah blah, which came across to some of us as sort of dismissive and snotty. Fan B went over the top and posted a cranky response, to which I (Fan C) replied, and then a Big Thing happened. Later, Fan A came back with an incredibly lengthy post again, explaining her shock at our reactions to a simple request, and reiterating her position (nevermind that it wasn't the request we responded to but her ungracious answer). Unfortunately, the amount of sharing only added to my picture of her as an (unintentional) snob -- she threw in wildly ridiculous cost justifications, made condescending remarks that, even though unintentional (probably), only served to make people who would already feel marginalized by her ealier comments even more so this time.
Basically, it was pages of oversharing that really didn't help clarify anything -- a simple: I'm really sorry for the misunderstanding, I just meant this and such, and then a gracious demurral might have worked a lot better. I wrote a lengthy, calm private post back, telling her why I'd thought initially that her remarks had been snotty, and how I was sorry about the miscommunication and problems, and that these [examples] might be the reason some of us reacted so negatively. Because seriously, it was just tons of information that really didn't enhance her initial communication, and probably only served to make it worse in some respects. I'm sure she'll tell me to blow it out my ass, but that's okay -- because the thing is, I'm speaking from experience. I'd tell me that, too, probably. It took me a long time to realize that sometimes the best course of action is just to say either nothing, or something very brief. I've burned myself with a blowtorch too many times (and still do) by saying too much, and it's not an easy lesson to learn, nor advice to hear.
And over on another list, one person overreacted out of sensitivity to a really, really loaded word, and then the original poster turned into a childish brat in response. And the thing is, she wouldn't have had to show herself that way if she'd just taken a moment to think about her post initially -- instead of using that loaded word, she could easily have asked about the piece in question and whether it might continue as a slash story or as het -- she didn't have to overshare about her feelings on slash, sex, stories, the greenhouse effect or anything else under the sun, and then the loaded word might easily have been avoided in the first place.
As someone who is regularly chewing on her own feet, I recognize this syndrome all too well. We feel like if we add to our question, or explain our response, we're somehow being more informative about our personal preferences, as if that will make a difference. Only, it rarely does. Mostly we end up saying something that could be misinterpreted or hurtful to others, especially because we have no way of knowing who out there in e-mail listland is already worn to a frazzle on the subject. For a slash fan who's had to deal with insults all through fandom, a simple off the cuff remark from a person going to great lengths to let everyone know she isn't into slash can seem more like a personal insult than that person ever intended. And for someone who's listened to people denigrate her artistic medium of choice for years, and be ostracized from her community because people no longer value that medium, an overexplanation of why someone doesn't want her art can be perceived, despite their best intentions, as a degrading slap in the face. You just never know, so explaining everything can really backfire.
When I was younger, I answered any compliment with a big explanation of why it wasn't as good as someone said it was. "That's a nice outfit" got the response of "Oh, I've had this in my closet forever and it doesn't fit, but I had to wear it even though it's too tight through the bust" or something. Or how bad my hair really was, or how ugly I was, or what a terrible writer I was, whatever. Someone finally took me aside and said, "please stop that. It offends people when they compliment you and are met with reasons their compliment is invalid. Grow up." And boy, did I. It's a constant battle with my self-esteemless self to do this, but now, I try to simply say thank you and shut up. If people provide me with info I don't want, or instruct me on something I can't do, I say, "thank you" and leave it. Because I've found that, especially on e-mail, every time I don't? I end up in hot water and lose friends. (Yet, just you wait, it will probably be something like next week where I fall into the trap again and make an ass of myself.)
Some of my friends accuse me of loving and fostering conflict because I don't run away from it like a big coward. Some people think that it's better to lie, obfuscate, or dissemble, to develop lengthy responses to things to skirt the issue, rather than be direct and simple. I can never agree with that, because I think that usually only fosters more conflict (which, btw, I hate). By going on at length with overblown reasoning and explaining it all for you, the person may actually be creating something conflicty they don't even see. But we've come to believe that a simple response is never good enough, or just asking a question without explaining why we're asking, is too rude or blunt. I think bluntness is aching for a comeback -- my belief is that the shorter the question or response, the clearer the thank you or whatever, the better off we'll all be, especially on lists where half the population is too immature to have experienced much foot in mouth disease like I have at the ripe old age of How Did I Get This Old, Again?
Or, maybe it's just the weather, and everyone's spoiling for a fight. But me, I'm thinking it's the dreaded Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You syndrome, and it's catching in summer months. I say be gracious but brief. That's my platform, if I ever run for office.
