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Jul. 14th, 2011 08:19 pmToday was a very bad day. I spent most of it up at the hospice center where Snady is right now. When I saw her on Tuesday, she was able to watch what I have so far of the remaster of Hair, and it made her really happy; I also told her about the media cannibals web site greensilver is building for us. It seemed like she would be with us for a while yet, and she was conversant, aware, and just very present.
Unfortunately things slid downhill a little yesterday, and by today were very bad. She's not really responsive of aware, and by late this afternoon, the doctor had said she would probably only be with us for 48-72 hours more. Some of us were able to step into the room and say our goodbyes to her or just tell her we love her, and tell her caregivers that we love them.
I'm typing this curled up in a ball on the couch, one handed, and crying, so I apologize for the typos and errors and lack of capping. This is agonizing enough to see without having the ptsd flashbacks i'm having about sis_r, and all of us surrounding her are pretty much basket cases. Most of her family is here, and some of her dearest friends as well, and I feel like she can probably hear that everyone is giving her so much love. Her pain seems to be under control, and that is a blessing, because she was suffering very, very much last week. it made me happy that I could show her the vid on tuesday and that she wanted me to stay in the room and talk while she went to sleep; i know how all bout me that sounds, but it was just this thing where i felt so connected to her and that she knew i love her and that my presence was at least some kind of comfort for her. oh, all that still sounds so all about me, i guess I don't know any way to say that wihout sounding that way. but it meant a lot and at least i can hold on to that instead of how she looked today.
A bunch of us have been camped out in the activities room, talking about fandom and Sandy and how much she means to us. It's good to have people to share the love with. I was totally alone when sis_r died, during her illness and after, and it was so painful, so agonizing. Not that this isn't agnozing; it's killing me to watch someone so vibrant and full of life and who brought that to so many people fade away. I love her so much, so many people love her so much.
when i left on tuesday, they were taking a patient who'd died out in a body bag. I think until then I'd held it mostly together but that was when i lost it. fuck this fucking disease.
please send her your love and prayers if you're a praying person. light a candle, a light, sing a song, plant some flowers.
Unfortunately things slid downhill a little yesterday, and by today were very bad. She's not really responsive of aware, and by late this afternoon, the doctor had said she would probably only be with us for 48-72 hours more. Some of us were able to step into the room and say our goodbyes to her or just tell her we love her, and tell her caregivers that we love them.
I'm typing this curled up in a ball on the couch, one handed, and crying, so I apologize for the typos and errors and lack of capping. This is agonizing enough to see without having the ptsd flashbacks i'm having about sis_r, and all of us surrounding her are pretty much basket cases. Most of her family is here, and some of her dearest friends as well, and I feel like she can probably hear that everyone is giving her so much love. Her pain seems to be under control, and that is a blessing, because she was suffering very, very much last week. it made me happy that I could show her the vid on tuesday and that she wanted me to stay in the room and talk while she went to sleep; i know how all bout me that sounds, but it was just this thing where i felt so connected to her and that she knew i love her and that my presence was at least some kind of comfort for her. oh, all that still sounds so all about me, i guess I don't know any way to say that wihout sounding that way. but it meant a lot and at least i can hold on to that instead of how she looked today.
A bunch of us have been camped out in the activities room, talking about fandom and Sandy and how much she means to us. It's good to have people to share the love with. I was totally alone when sis_r died, during her illness and after, and it was so painful, so agonizing. Not that this isn't agnozing; it's killing me to watch someone so vibrant and full of life and who brought that to so many people fade away. I love her so much, so many people love her so much.
when i left on tuesday, they were taking a patient who'd died out in a body bag. I think until then I'd held it mostly together but that was when i lost it. fuck this fucking disease.
please send her your love and prayers if you're a praying person. light a candle, a light, sing a song, plant some flowers.
