If you loved me, why'd you leave me

Haven't been posting much outside of fic announcements. Still struggling with being really depressed, feeling like I'm not sure why I do anything, and trying to cope with pain. And it's so fucking hot, which makes hot flashes that have become really intense even worse.

Saw Captain America: The Winter Soldier for the 13th time in the theatre today. I swear that's the only thing that's kept me from driving off a bridge some days. I have been to a lot of movies very many times, but this is a new record for me. That doesn't even count the times I've watched my crappy cam copy. Even with my various issues with things here and there, I've never been as fannishly gonzo as I have been about this one (and Pacific Rim last year, but I have to say, this one's even worse for me).

It was funnest seeing it last week, when I met up with minim_calibre. The second-run theatre was packed, and none of the times I've seen it have had an audience that laughed at all the funny bits, reacted to the big reveals, and just seemed to be enjoying themselves all the way around. Plus it was fun to see it with someone who's seen it as many times as I have -- it's nice not to be judged for my insanity.

I have another vid I'm trying to make but it won't come together. It's eating my soul, but I can't make it work, I think partly because I can't get a decent file to work and I'm using so much different source. So I might make a different vid instead, just to see if I can come at it afresh. I don't feel like it's contributing to the canon out there, but when I get vids in my head I feel compelled to make them.

I also have so many fic ideas to write, but I feel even more like those don't matter. I hope maybe being around friends at VVC might help me feel less depressed. At the very least some of my favorite people will be there, so…