Signing on

Usually when there've been fannish aid auctions, I've been too busy with crazy deadlines to consider putting my hat in the ring, and only been able to participate by bidding on people (never won). But even though I do have some work now, and am still recovering slowly, I felt like I could participate in a new auction that hans bekhart started for Puerto Rico, fandomlovespuertorico. There are more fans offering all kinds of works every time I check it, so if you have something to offer to help raise money for aid to Puerto Rico, take a look and consider signing up, or if you are interested in bidding, check out the ever-growing list of participants. (It's definitely heavy on the Stucky fans, so if you have some other fandoms or 'ships that you can offer, that would be cool!) Signups close October 15, and bidding will run on October 21. My offer is here.

Also, it's that time of year to sign up for Yuletide. I'm a mess about what to do--last year, I wrote in a really popular fandom, but my story just got savaged in some places I was reading around in and had some bad juju elsewhere, the whole experience was kind of bad, and I still am on the fence about whether to de-anonymize my fic. It left a really awful taste in my mouth, just generally, so I feel like I want to be super, super cautious about what I offer, plus I just have no idea what to ask for. The Adjustment Bureau, which I posted about the other day, is microscopic and dead, but you know, I would love that most of all; I could ask for more popular fandoms like The Good Place, but I also kind of feel like those fandoms won't be hurting for requests or offers. Plus I just now feel like there are things I cannot do justice to, that whatever I do will be…lacking.

I'm waiting for beta feedback about the next chapter of Celluloid Hero, and it was really really hard to get that thing out--it's not that I don't have all the thoughts rolling around in my head, but getting words out has been really difficult since I got home from the hospital. I kept telling myself every day "I'm going to write," but then every day I just kept looking at tumblr or watching TV, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. My focus is limited, my mind's kind of all over the place…and now I have work, which is a very annoyingly badly written memoir, so that's adding to the malaise. But I want to sign up for Yuletide, and I have to find a way to make my brain work and make the words come out.

I feel like I've kind of hit a plateau--the incisions don't seem to be getting much better, despite trying to increase my intake of things like vitamin C, which is supposed to help wound healing, and make myself eat more good food. I did get out last week to a restaurant, which was the first time I'd been out since before surgery, and that felt like a big step. Yesterday I drove up to Shoreline and I was at a bash for four hours, plus the long drive, and that was most definitely a big deal. But I still feel like things just aren't getting better--objectively I know I'm better, but the incision that's a big seeping hole is still a big seeping hole, and the others just aren't closing completely, enough to take the damn steri-strips off, and my skin still hurts and I'm so exhausted after my walks. I don't need the cane when I start out, but even just four or five blocks and I lean on that thing so hard by the time I'm almost home. Sleep is just so difficult now that I'm off the dilaudid, nothing much seems to help. I know I am better, but it just feels, a month on, that I'm nowhere near normal, that that's hundreds of miles away.