Who am I this time
Jun. 3rd, 2004 02:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynToday at work some of us were discussing why we were running a story about a man named David Reimer, and what led to his suicide. It's an incredibly tragic story, his life. The author of a book about him, John Colapinto, wrote this article, and I was glad that he did, because he was one of the few people who ever seemed to see Reimer for all that he was. I'd read his initial story about Reimer years ago and then read the book, because I'm often fascinated by things I have no strong feelings for -- religion, sex, sexual identity, gender.
I suppose it's terribly TMI, but I've never had any interest in all the talk of sexual identity and gender. It bewilders me to the point of exasperation -- I keep trying to understand it, but I just don't get why people spend so much time talking and thinking and worrying about sex-related things. Much as I like a good pornish scene in fanfic, I think sex in general is kind of dull except for the times you're actually having it (and even then, it can sometimes be boring). All the trappings and machinations of kinks and fetishes irritate me, the obsessive level of discussion and planning and detail. I'm like, whatEVER, can we please go get some ice cream? I've listened to friends go on and on about this stuff for hours, and it was like watching paint dry, only more grating. Clearly they were into this thing, but I couldn't figure out why. And it became so pervasive in fandom when I first got sucked into media fandom (the endless list discussions of the only times Skinner would ever willingly "bottom," the droning threads of how of course Mulder was a masochist because he'd obviously been tortured by his father or gang-raped by Soviet agents as a child... blah blah) that it turned me even farther away from the discussions than I used to be.
And I'm even further removed from issues of sexual and gender identity. I know many people who are sex X trapped in a Y body, and I get how awful that must be in so many ways on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level, I don't connect. A friend wants to throw a coming out party-mixer thing and make name tags for people that would include their orientation and status and if they're looking, and I was like, well, what about me? I don't have an orientation, and I don't have an identity -- I don't care about any of it at all. Are you going to have asexual or nonsexual? The compromise will be, likely, abstinence or chaste or something like it, which isn't quite the same thing, I believe. People are always banding together for this identity or that orientation, but it doesn't seem like anyone wants to come out about not having anything to say. I admit it: In the big sexual Customs of life, I have nothing to declare.
And that's always made me feel like more of an outsider than I think my friends feel over their different orientations or identities. They have their special interest groups and lists, and I have...frigid people and abstainers and religious nutballs, or fanboys who live in their parents' basements and can't get dates. When I was doing therapy, I had lengthy conversations with my counsellor, who was totally supportive of my feelings, but I think also bewildered because most of the time, let's face it -- we have *more* problems because of identity and gender issues, not from a lack of them. And it's not like I'm going to lose my family if I say, "I'm orientationless" the way a gay person will if they tell their folks they're bonking someone of the same sex. Mostly, people just think you're frigid or fussy or a fanboy living in your parents' basement.
But it's weird how strangely people treat you if you admit that you don't care, that you have no sense of identity or orientation, that it's a big meaningless blob to you. When I was growing up, most of my family assumed I was a lesbian because I had no dates, was a total tomboy, and hung out mostly with boys. When I was out of college and helping a friend who'd come out to her family about being gay and had been rejected, I asked my mom, would you reject me if I told you I was gay? And my mom said, well, we thought you might be for a long time, so, no. I can't imagine anyone who would reject their child for that. And I said, yeah, I knew you all thought that. And she was like, oh! How come you never said anything, then? And I just shrugged and said, I never cared enough. One orientation, one gender or another... meh. Who cares? *That* was when she got befuddled -- not by the possibility I was going to come out, but by the fact that I didn't care what I was one way or another. It was the first time I ever realized that this seemed to really freak people out.
I've talked about it at length, too, with folks who have huge sexual orientation issues or gender issues, and they look at me like I'm... a freak of nature. Which, you know, is entirely true, but I don't think that's the reason I'm a freak. They can't imagine how someone can *not* be obsessed with identity or alignment or which way you get your lube and oil filter. What's all the fuss about, I want to say? I've never asked Evil Twin if she feels anything similar, but I think she's a little less open-minded than I am and buys into more traditional thinking along party lines. For years I was hoping I might actually be a lesbian, just so it might throw the switch and suddenly I would feel *something* about all of it, but no lights ever came on, no epiphanies happened.
Then I read something like David Reimer's story, and I think I understand a little. But it points out to me how obsessed we really are about these things that should not matter -- there should be no difference, no attention paid, in my universe, to sexual identities and orientations and people should always get to be what and who they are regardless. Like in a Tanith Lee world, where we can push a button and get whatever we feel like that day. "I'm in the mood for blue hair, red eyes, and to be a guy. Zzzap!" There wouldn't be evil people like that doctor experimenting with their theories and destroying an already mutilated child. No one would live a hell life, or fear the loss of their family because of what they are. We would all just be: whatEVER, and please can we just go get some ice cream? And no one would ever have to declare anything in the great sex and gender Customs line of life.
I suppose it's terribly TMI, but I've never had any interest in all the talk of sexual identity and gender. It bewilders me to the point of exasperation -- I keep trying to understand it, but I just don't get why people spend so much time talking and thinking and worrying about sex-related things. Much as I like a good pornish scene in fanfic, I think sex in general is kind of dull except for the times you're actually having it (and even then, it can sometimes be boring). All the trappings and machinations of kinks and fetishes irritate me, the obsessive level of discussion and planning and detail. I'm like, whatEVER, can we please go get some ice cream? I've listened to friends go on and on about this stuff for hours, and it was like watching paint dry, only more grating. Clearly they were into this thing, but I couldn't figure out why. And it became so pervasive in fandom when I first got sucked into media fandom (the endless list discussions of the only times Skinner would ever willingly "bottom," the droning threads of how of course Mulder was a masochist because he'd obviously been tortured by his father or gang-raped by Soviet agents as a child... blah blah) that it turned me even farther away from the discussions than I used to be.
And I'm even further removed from issues of sexual and gender identity. I know many people who are sex X trapped in a Y body, and I get how awful that must be in so many ways on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level, I don't connect. A friend wants to throw a coming out party-mixer thing and make name tags for people that would include their orientation and status and if they're looking, and I was like, well, what about me? I don't have an orientation, and I don't have an identity -- I don't care about any of it at all. Are you going to have asexual or nonsexual? The compromise will be, likely, abstinence or chaste or something like it, which isn't quite the same thing, I believe. People are always banding together for this identity or that orientation, but it doesn't seem like anyone wants to come out about not having anything to say. I admit it: In the big sexual Customs of life, I have nothing to declare.
And that's always made me feel like more of an outsider than I think my friends feel over their different orientations or identities. They have their special interest groups and lists, and I have...frigid people and abstainers and religious nutballs, or fanboys who live in their parents' basements and can't get dates. When I was doing therapy, I had lengthy conversations with my counsellor, who was totally supportive of my feelings, but I think also bewildered because most of the time, let's face it -- we have *more* problems because of identity and gender issues, not from a lack of them. And it's not like I'm going to lose my family if I say, "I'm orientationless" the way a gay person will if they tell their folks they're bonking someone of the same sex. Mostly, people just think you're frigid or fussy or a fanboy living in your parents' basement.
But it's weird how strangely people treat you if you admit that you don't care, that you have no sense of identity or orientation, that it's a big meaningless blob to you. When I was growing up, most of my family assumed I was a lesbian because I had no dates, was a total tomboy, and hung out mostly with boys. When I was out of college and helping a friend who'd come out to her family about being gay and had been rejected, I asked my mom, would you reject me if I told you I was gay? And my mom said, well, we thought you might be for a long time, so, no. I can't imagine anyone who would reject their child for that. And I said, yeah, I knew you all thought that. And she was like, oh! How come you never said anything, then? And I just shrugged and said, I never cared enough. One orientation, one gender or another... meh. Who cares? *That* was when she got befuddled -- not by the possibility I was going to come out, but by the fact that I didn't care what I was one way or another. It was the first time I ever realized that this seemed to really freak people out.
I've talked about it at length, too, with folks who have huge sexual orientation issues or gender issues, and they look at me like I'm... a freak of nature. Which, you know, is entirely true, but I don't think that's the reason I'm a freak. They can't imagine how someone can *not* be obsessed with identity or alignment or which way you get your lube and oil filter. What's all the fuss about, I want to say? I've never asked Evil Twin if she feels anything similar, but I think she's a little less open-minded than I am and buys into more traditional thinking along party lines. For years I was hoping I might actually be a lesbian, just so it might throw the switch and suddenly I would feel *something* about all of it, but no lights ever came on, no epiphanies happened.
Then I read something like David Reimer's story, and I think I understand a little. But it points out to me how obsessed we really are about these things that should not matter -- there should be no difference, no attention paid, in my universe, to sexual identities and orientations and people should always get to be what and who they are regardless. Like in a Tanith Lee world, where we can push a button and get whatever we feel like that day. "I'm in the mood for blue hair, red eyes, and to be a guy. Zzzap!" There wouldn't be evil people like that doctor experimenting with their theories and destroying an already mutilated child. No one would live a hell life, or fear the loss of their family because of what they are. We would all just be: whatEVER, and please can we just go get some ice cream? And no one would ever have to declare anything in the great sex and gender Customs line of life.
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-03 03:52 pm (UTC)i'm sometimes jealous, b/c it obviously seems to be a really great thing to have sex as such a central part of one's life, but on my radar it is pretty darn low. i have tried to understand sex games and fetishes and it just seems like so much work...with not that amazing a payoff...and that's when i realize that somewhere i must be wired differently. and it's only then that i worry that i may be missing out on sth totally important and amazing...
so, please, pass the ice cream!!!
no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 08:21 am (UTC)Word. I keep wondering what the payoff is beyond a couple moments of orgasm -- seems like an inordinate amount of time and money for such low reward. The ridiculous games I hear about people playing... I just think, gosh, maybe they'll get killed from their stupidity, and we'll breed out the rest of those genes someday. ;-) I know it's all different strokes and whatnot, but I wish I didn't have to hear so much about it.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-03 03:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 08:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-03 04:46 pm (UTC)I completely agree. I don't care about sex unless it's with love. Lately, 3 people I've told that too (when I said I've been celibate for almost 2 years) looked at me like I am a freak. They act like sex is the end all and be all. It isn't. I had my promiscuous day in the sun and it's as meaningless as changing your socks 12 times a day. I found that sex without love is the blandest thing on earth.
Some people don't get that, and actually, people focus on sex way too much. It's a fleeting thing, really. Like masturbating to porn. For ten minutes you're excited and right after you feel dirty and ashamed (at least I do) and you never want to see porn again.
I do have a sexual identity. At one point this year I questioned it but that faded away. I never had to struggle with it, but I can empathize with people who do. I don't know what it's like to not have a sexual identity at all but it's just as valid as having one. I mean, in the larger scheme of things, what does who you want to sex with, what kind of sex you want to have, or whether you want to have sex at all-what does that really matter?
As long as you know who you are and are happy with that.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 08:26 am (UTC)Or you're a fangirl/boy who lives in their parents' basement. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 08:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-03 05:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 08:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-03 07:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-03 08:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 08:31 am (UTC)And hey, no problem on the name thing -- I type it wrong all the damn time!
no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 02:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-03 08:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 08:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 02:09 am (UTC)It bewilders me to the point of exasperation -- I keep trying to understand it, but I just don't get why people spend so much time talking and thinking and worrying about sex-related things.
Just word. No offence meant if people enjoy talking about sex, but for me it's a private thing. I certainly wouldn't wish to bring back the days when sex was never talked about, but I do think sometimes discretion on the subject is an undervalued concept these days. Don't get me started on the fact that we're bombarded with sexual images constantly in the media (advertising particularly). And yes, I'm hypocritical because I enjoy reading a good smutty fanfic as much as the next person, but I do sometimes have more of a craving for a good, well-plotted, well-characterised story with - shock, horror - no sex. Can I join you for the ice cream?
no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 08:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 09:48 am (UTC)because I can't imagine caring enough to go through all those labyrinthine machinations!
Me neither. Rather loses spontaneity...perhaps I have a spontaneity kink and didn't realise it *g*.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-04 05:29 pm (UTC)