Angst spreads like a disease
Jul. 28th, 2004 09:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynI've been watching so many of my friends have mini-meltdowns over vids for Vividcon, or people having anguish over stuff that they're doing at Writercon (of which, apparently, I'm the only Buffy-oriented writer besides ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
eliade who isn't going). It's hard to watch everyone going through this, especially since it impedes my own ability to generate sympathy for *my* meltdown, and we all know that it's all about me.
It's also hard because their meltdowns are about creating vids for the premiere show, which is a big deal, and mine is solely about my panel and vid show, which is a not big thing. I'm doing one of the paired shows/panels, for Literalism vs. Metaphor, and as the con looms ever closer, my stomach twists in bigger knots. It's not that I have trouble doing a panel -- I'm used to speaking in front of crowds, so no problem performing for an audience. But that may be a big part of my fear -- that there will be no audience. Both the vid show and the panel are up against, of course, other Saturday activities, including shows that my pals in the Media Cannibals are doing, so even some friendly neighborhood faces will be missing. And it's such a volatile and weird topic that I can imagine the room being empty, especially since I did such a bad job last year on the panel I helped with then.
I've seen the literal discussion beaten to death on the vidder list (and I've done some serious mole-whacking of it myself), and if I've learned anything, it's that people who think in highly literal terms are never going to get the metaphorical approach to vidding, and the people who have no trouble with juggling metaphor and literalism are always going to think the literal extremists are stupid and bad. Metaphor isn't really something you can teach someone who is so grounded in the literal they believe that a song saying "I'm your friend and will be your fire escape when you're in trouble" means you should have clips that show fire escapes on buildings. So the panel is about... what, then? I'm not totally sure; I keep going round and round with myself about how much should be just discussion and how much should be about process and what about instructing a little or maybe I should just leave it and show the vids and say this is why I chose them, bye now. I have this vision of three people being in the room, all hostile Pure-Race Literalists, and trying to discuss why fire escapes might not be the most creative interpretation of the meaning behind that song and then being hauled off to a re-education camp by their jackbooted, Adobe Premier-toting brownshirts.
So I've tried to inject a little humor, and provide definitions, but beyond that, I got nothin'. I like most of the stuff I've chosen for the show part, but again I fear no one going because it's not only an instructive theme ("oh god, that subject again?"), it's didactic and probably boring, and then the cool vids won't be seen by anyone. With an Outback Steakhouse in the lobby, attendees could easily skip late afternoon panels for a giant-sized Gold Coast 'Rita and a jump on the dinner crowd to get stuffed full of meat products before the premiere show. Which, frankly, is what I'd probably rather do, assuming that I don't get dysentery again like last year.
Weirdly, my vids, even my damaged (for want of a better word, the vid is fine but the moment iDVD touches it, it turns to pixelated mush) vid that has caused me so much misery for the premiere show aren't causing any angst at all. I am, asflummery called me, a freakish overachiever, in that I do not procrastinate much at all and so everything's been largely done for a long time. Not done well, mind you, but at least done, and the reaction of the madding crowd will happen whether I angst about it or not. But the challenge show vid... that, for some reason, fills me with an emotional dread because it's not only the first time I've ever vidded to a theme or something like that (hell, I've only even written one story for a challenge type thing, some art in a zine by X, so the idea of vidding to something definitive beside my own scary little psycho-killer muse is conceptually off the charts for me), it's also kind of weirdly sweet and an unusual song and just... I'm sure people will be going "WTF does that have to do with luck?" or else, "please make her never vid again." Even though I love my little challenge vid with all my tasteless heart. (Upon showing it to friends for beta, I was told only, "You have to stop vidding [that fandom] because it makes me sad that the show is gone." Yeah, thanks for that input, it really helps. And what an egoboo! I'm blushing with pride.) Also, last year's challenge show vids just rocked my world and kicked my ass at the same time (makes for a bumpy ride), and so I wonder how well I can fit into that world.
And then there's this strange new Fast and Furious disease I have come down with, and I'm obsessing over whether I can finish a vid in time for the con so that I can slap it on the dvds I'm bringing for friends and show them the pretty. I struggle and anguish and flagellate myself over every clip, so finishing something in less than two weeks could be a test I can't pass. Especially with all the life stuff like painting railings and mowing lawns and cleaning up gardens and actually keeping the house up and now feedingtrollchild's LFN addiction (crack dealer! I'm a crack dealer with my very own crack whore!). Vidding should be for fun, for relaxation, and instead it seems like for all of us it's this stress-fest and dress to kill fest masquerading as a "hobby" and giving us come-hither glances saying, "come on, it'll be fun. You know you want to." This never ever happens with writing. Writing just strolls along, la la la, tiptoeing through the freaking tulips, and takes its own damn time and does what it wants. Why do vids have to be such pimps, beating you up even when you're producing the cash?
So while most of my friends apparently disperse to the Nevada desert Cibola/Sodom and Gomorah (envy! I am green with envy), the rest are sitting in front of computers with piles of hair all around them not unlike a beauty salon floor, tears coursing down their cheeks, rending their clothes and wailing to the vidding gods. Is there a patron saint for vidders besides St. Jude, the dude of lost causes? There should be. And I will be joining my sistren, only my anguish is less cinematic because mostly I just print out a new sheet of notes for my panel, realize it sucks and is stupid, and then throw it in the recycling bin. Panels, schmanels. I got bupkus in the pain parade.
eliade who isn't going). It's hard to watch everyone going through this, especially since it impedes my own ability to generate sympathy for *my* meltdown, and we all know that it's all about me.It's also hard because their meltdowns are about creating vids for the premiere show, which is a big deal, and mine is solely about my panel and vid show, which is a not big thing. I'm doing one of the paired shows/panels, for Literalism vs. Metaphor, and as the con looms ever closer, my stomach twists in bigger knots. It's not that I have trouble doing a panel -- I'm used to speaking in front of crowds, so no problem performing for an audience. But that may be a big part of my fear -- that there will be no audience. Both the vid show and the panel are up against, of course, other Saturday activities, including shows that my pals in the Media Cannibals are doing, so even some friendly neighborhood faces will be missing. And it's such a volatile and weird topic that I can imagine the room being empty, especially since I did such a bad job last year on the panel I helped with then.
I've seen the literal discussion beaten to death on the vidder list (and I've done some serious mole-whacking of it myself), and if I've learned anything, it's that people who think in highly literal terms are never going to get the metaphorical approach to vidding, and the people who have no trouble with juggling metaphor and literalism are always going to think the literal extremists are stupid and bad. Metaphor isn't really something you can teach someone who is so grounded in the literal they believe that a song saying "I'm your friend and will be your fire escape when you're in trouble" means you should have clips that show fire escapes on buildings. So the panel is about... what, then? I'm not totally sure; I keep going round and round with myself about how much should be just discussion and how much should be about process and what about instructing a little or maybe I should just leave it and show the vids and say this is why I chose them, bye now. I have this vision of three people being in the room, all hostile Pure-Race Literalists, and trying to discuss why fire escapes might not be the most creative interpretation of the meaning behind that song and then being hauled off to a re-education camp by their jackbooted, Adobe Premier-toting brownshirts.
So I've tried to inject a little humor, and provide definitions, but beyond that, I got nothin'. I like most of the stuff I've chosen for the show part, but again I fear no one going because it's not only an instructive theme ("oh god, that subject again?"), it's didactic and probably boring, and then the cool vids won't be seen by anyone. With an Outback Steakhouse in the lobby, attendees could easily skip late afternoon panels for a giant-sized Gold Coast 'Rita and a jump on the dinner crowd to get stuffed full of meat products before the premiere show. Which, frankly, is what I'd probably rather do, assuming that I don't get dysentery again like last year.
Weirdly, my vids, even my damaged (for want of a better word, the vid is fine but the moment iDVD touches it, it turns to pixelated mush) vid that has caused me so much misery for the premiere show aren't causing any angst at all. I am, as
flummery called me, a freakish overachiever, in that I do not procrastinate much at all and so everything's been largely done for a long time. Not done well, mind you, but at least done, and the reaction of the madding crowd will happen whether I angst about it or not. But the challenge show vid... that, for some reason, fills me with an emotional dread because it's not only the first time I've ever vidded to a theme or something like that (hell, I've only even written one story for a challenge type thing, some art in a zine by X, so the idea of vidding to something definitive beside my own scary little psycho-killer muse is conceptually off the charts for me), it's also kind of weirdly sweet and an unusual song and just... I'm sure people will be going "WTF does that have to do with luck?" or else, "please make her never vid again." Even though I love my little challenge vid with all my tasteless heart. (Upon showing it to friends for beta, I was told only, "You have to stop vidding [that fandom] because it makes me sad that the show is gone." Yeah, thanks for that input, it really helps. And what an egoboo! I'm blushing with pride.) Also, last year's challenge show vids just rocked my world and kicked my ass at the same time (makes for a bumpy ride), and so I wonder how well I can fit into that world.And then there's this strange new Fast and Furious disease I have come down with, and I'm obsessing over whether I can finish a vid in time for the con so that I can slap it on the dvds I'm bringing for friends and show them the pretty. I struggle and anguish and flagellate myself over every clip, so finishing something in less than two weeks could be a test I can't pass. Especially with all the life stuff like painting railings and mowing lawns and cleaning up gardens and actually keeping the house up and now feeding
trollchild's LFN addiction (crack dealer! I'm a crack dealer with my very own crack whore!). Vidding should be for fun, for relaxation, and instead it seems like for all of us it's this stress-fest and dress to kill fest masquerading as a "hobby" and giving us come-hither glances saying, "come on, it'll be fun. You know you want to." This never ever happens with writing. Writing just strolls along, la la la, tiptoeing through the freaking tulips, and takes its own damn time and does what it wants. Why do vids have to be such pimps, beating you up even when you're producing the cash?So while most of my friends apparently disperse to the Nevada desert Cibola/Sodom and Gomorah (envy! I am green with envy), the rest are sitting in front of computers with piles of hair all around them not unlike a beauty salon floor, tears coursing down their cheeks, rending their clothes and wailing to the vidding gods. Is there a patron saint for vidders besides St. Jude, the dude of lost causes? There should be. And I will be joining my sistren, only my anguish is less cinematic because mostly I just print out a new sheet of notes for my panel, realize it sucks and is stupid, and then throw it in the recycling bin. Panels, schmanels. I got bupkus in the pain parade.
