Angst spreads like a disease

[gwyn]

I've been watching so many of my friends have mini-meltdowns over vids for Vividcon, or people having anguish over stuff that they're doing at Writercon (of which, apparently, I'm the only Buffy-oriented writer besides eliade who isn't going). It's hard to watch everyone going through this, especially since it impedes my own ability to generate sympathy for *my* meltdown, and we all know that it's all about me.

It's also hard because their meltdowns are about creating vids for the premiere show, which is a big deal, and mine is solely about my panel and vid show, which is a not big thing. I'm doing one of the paired shows/panels, for Literalism vs. Metaphor, and as the con looms ever closer, my stomach twists in bigger knots. It's not that I have trouble doing a panel -- I'm used to speaking in front of crowds, so no problem performing for an audience. But that may be a big part of my fear -- that there will be no audience. Both the vid show and the panel are up against, of course, other Saturday activities, including shows that my pals in the Media Cannibals are doing, so even some friendly neighborhood faces will be missing. And it's such a volatile and weird topic that I can imagine the room being empty, especially since I did such a bad job last year on the panel I helped with then.

I've seen the literal discussion beaten to death on the vidder list (and I've done some serious mole-whacking of it myself), and if I've learned anything, it's that people who think in highly literal terms are never going to get the metaphorical approach to vidding, and the people who have no trouble with juggling metaphor and literalism are always going to think the literal extremists are stupid and bad. Metaphor isn't really something you can teach someone who is so grounded in the literal they believe that a song saying "I'm your friend and will be your fire escape when you're in trouble" means you should have clips that show fire escapes on buildings. So the panel is about... what, then? I'm not totally sure; I keep going round and round with myself about how much should be just discussion and how much should be about process and what about instructing a little or maybe I should just leave it and show the vids and say this is why I chose them, bye now. I have this vision of three people being in the room, all hostile Pure-Race Literalists, and trying to discuss why fire escapes might not be the most creative interpretation of the meaning behind that song and then being hauled off to a re-education camp by their jackbooted, Adobe Premier-toting brownshirts.

So I've tried to inject a little humor, and provide definitions, but beyond that, I got nothin'. I like most of the stuff I've chosen for the show part, but again I fear no one going because it's not only an instructive theme ("oh god, that subject again?"), it's didactic and probably boring, and then the cool vids won't be seen by anyone. With an Outback Steakhouse in the lobby, attendees could easily skip late afternoon panels for a giant-sized Gold Coast 'Rita and a jump on the dinner crowd to get stuffed full of meat products before the premiere show. Which, frankly, is what I'd probably rather do, assuming that I don't get dysentery again like last year.

Weirdly, my vids, even my damaged (for want of a better word, the vid is fine but the moment iDVD touches it, it turns to pixelated mush) vid that has caused me so much misery for the premiere show aren't causing any angst at all. I am, as flummery called me, a freakish overachiever, in that I do not procrastinate much at all and so everything's been largely done for a long time. Not done well, mind you, but at least done, and the reaction of the madding crowd will happen whether I angst about it or not. But the challenge show vid... that, for some reason, fills me with an emotional dread because it's not only the first time I've ever vidded to a theme or something like that (hell, I've only even written one story for a challenge type thing, some art in a zine by X, so the idea of vidding to something definitive beside my own scary little psycho-killer muse is conceptually off the charts for me), it's also kind of weirdly sweet and an unusual song and just... I'm sure people will be going "WTF does that have to do with luck?" or else, "please make her never vid again." Even though I love my little challenge vid with all my tasteless heart. (Upon showing it to friends for beta, I was told only, "You have to stop vidding [that fandom] because it makes me sad that the show is gone." Yeah, thanks for that input, it really helps. And what an egoboo! I'm blushing with pride.) Also, last year's challenge show vids just rocked my world and kicked my ass at the same time (makes for a bumpy ride), and so I wonder how well I can fit into that world.

And then there's this strange new Fast and Furious disease I have come down with, and I'm obsessing over whether I can finish a vid in time for the con so that I can slap it on the dvds I'm bringing for friends and show them the pretty. I struggle and anguish and flagellate myself over every clip, so finishing something in less than two weeks could be a test I can't pass. Especially with all the life stuff like painting railings and mowing lawns and cleaning up gardens and actually keeping the house up and now feeding trollchild's LFN addiction (crack dealer! I'm a crack dealer with my very own crack whore!). Vidding should be for fun, for relaxation, and instead it seems like for all of us it's this stress-fest and dress to kill fest masquerading as a "hobby" and giving us come-hither glances saying, "come on, it'll be fun. You know you want to." This never ever happens with writing. Writing just strolls along, la la la, tiptoeing through the freaking tulips, and takes its own damn time and does what it wants. Why do vids have to be such pimps, beating you up even when you're producing the cash?

So while most of my friends apparently disperse to the Nevada desert Cibola/Sodom and Gomorah (envy! I am green with envy), the rest are sitting in front of computers with piles of hair all around them not unlike a beauty salon floor, tears coursing down their cheeks, rending their clothes and wailing to the vidding gods. Is there a patron saint for vidders besides St. Jude, the dude of lost causes? There should be. And I will be joining my sistren, only my anguish is less cinematic because mostly I just print out a new sheet of notes for my panel, realize it sucks and is stupid, and then throw it in the recycling bin. Panels, schmanels. I got bupkus in the pain parade.

Comments

[electrcspacegrl.livejournal.com]

Metaphor isn't really something you can teach someone who is so grounded in the literal they believe that a song saying "I'm your friend and will be your fire escape when you're in trouble" means you should have clips that show fire escapes on buildings.

That's really funny. Is this an example of something you've seen?

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yes. I suppose I ought to be ashamed of saying so publicly and feel bad for being a big blue meanie, but honestly, I just think stuff like that, if it's made public, deserves the ridicule.

[electrcspacegrl.livejournal.com]

I think literal images have it's place, but only if the line in the song is literal. For instance, I'm not a vidder but I have a fan video I want to see playing in my head. It's the song "I Know" by Trespassers William and the video is about Wesley and Illyria's sense of loss, him over losing Fred and her over losing her world.

There's a line that goes "Sometimes they're buttoning your jacket" and for that I would try to find a shot of Wesley buttoning up his jacket (although I can't remember if there is one), but there's also a line that goes "I know I go in circles" and for that I wouldn't show an image of someone walking or driving in circles or anything like that. I'd show footage of Wesley going crazy with his Illyria research in Time Bomb.

Does this make sense to you as an experienced vidder, or am I all wrong?

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

No, you're pretty much on the mark here. For instance, with the coat thing, I'd be surprised to find something literal to match, but I'd go for close to literal -- like him slinging his jacket over his shoulder in Not Fade Away. And do exactly the clip you described on circles.

[destina.livejournal.com]

It's hard to watch everyone going through this, especially since it impedes my own ability to generate sympathy for *my* meltdown, and we all know that it's all about me.

LOL! *offers sympathy*

As for your panel: are you going to talk about the deadly effects (or what can be the deadly effects) of mixing literalism and metaphor in a vid and doing it badly? I still struggle with this; I will choose an obscure clip for its metaphorical meaning (for example, Teal'c pulling a piece of cloth from his face = pulling the veil from his eyes) and all my canon/context whore friends go, "What does that clip of Teal'c sitting up in x episode where he's doing abc have to do with anything?" It's such a tricky balance, and I've only gotten it right in one vid (the Gladiator vid). I hold Laura's Rook up as my metaphor vs. literalism inspiration. But few vids use the two together so very well, or use literal clips to such pointed effect.

Also, you're bringing DVDs? This is the part where I offer to pay for the DVD media, beg prettily, and try to convince you to bring me one somehow. :D

[katie-m.livejournal.com]

Wait, wait! I have a brilliant idea, and here it is: Subtitles. No, seriously. You just have a little subtitle at the bottom, and for every clip it says "METAPHOR" or "LITERAL" or "PAY ATTENTION TO CONTEXT" or...

...no, huh?

[destina.livejournal.com]

Duuuuuuude. Sometimes I need the subtitles for myself! *g* (Did I already send you the link to the new version? I can't remember. I was so delirious last night.)

[katie-m.livejournal.com]

I just went and looked, and apparently yes. I may or may not get a chance to look at it tonight--we'll see.

*points down* See, honest, other people are much more perceptive about this kind of thing than I am. Really.

[barkley.livejournal.com]

(for example, Teal'c pulling a piece of cloth from his face = pulling the veil from his eyes) and all my canon/context whore friends go, "What does that clip of Teal'c sitting up in x episode where he's doing abc have to do with anything?"

Well, actually, I was thinking, "What a cool Shroud of Turin" think you've got going on in there with all the biblical allusions that that entailed. *g*

[destina.livejournal.com]

Ah, see? That's more like it! Resurrection! That's what it's all about, baby! :D

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

See, a mainly VVC audience will so go there, too. Well - I'll go there. Especially since I have *no* context for Stargate - but I love a good crucifixation.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I definitely believe that it's rare to not mix the literal and the metaphorical. There are very few vids that are completely metaphorical, from the theme/concept down to the treatment of lyric lines (if there are any -- it's definitely easier to maintain and overarching metaphor if you're using music without words or with words in a foreign language). So it's natural to question that, but I think it's not something you should worry too much about, because the fact is, we're always going to have lines where a clip just fits and it's literal and that's okay.

I worked on this Spike vid with Alex a few years ago, and we had this line "gulls in the sky, and in my blue eye", which okay, he has blue eyes, but I mean... man, what the hell do you do with that for a vampire? And weirdly, I was searching through the Angel S1 ep he was in, and came across a shot of... gulls in the sky. On a beach. And then there's this shot of SPike in an alley, and the sun is behind him but he's in shadow, and he turns to the camera so you see half his face in light. Literal, desperate, whatever, but it fit and it worked and we didn't have to puzzle out a metaphorical concept that wouldn't seem too stretching and pathetic, nor too fuzzy and obscure to get.

I think it comes down to communication -- it's fine to say "Well, I only make vids for me" because I think we all do that, but the good vidders also think about what will communicate with the end audience. If the literal communicates better, then that's the right choice. And it can mix with the metaphorical when they're both in service to communicating the theme and concepts.

[destina.livejournal.com]

And you're going to say all of this perfectly true and smart stuff in your panel, right? :D

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Actually, writing this was kind of therapeutic and helped give me ideas. I honestly don't know how well I'll do in terms of being instructional, but hopefully the communication idea might give people a jumping off point for lots of discussion. I just have to be sure it doesn't turn into an argument!

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

I am so glad that I decided against submitting anything for the Premiere show this year. I don't think I could have taken the pressure for my first VVC. Wussitude, thy name is Wolfpup.

As for the Literalism vs. Metaphor panel, speaking as someone who errs on the side of mild literalism, I'd personally like to hear about through process on metaphor and how people expand on an idea. Take the fire escape, these days I'd try to think of a clip within my fandom that showed someone helping someone else out (no fire necessary), but I know some vidders even go beyond that, tying all their metaphors into one overriding theme so that they all work together. And I have no idea how to get my head around that, and I have a vid waiting for me that I want very badly to work on that needs that sort of help. Is that too broad for what you're doing?

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

You've hit on pretty much what I want to talk about -- but I also fear it will take five minutes and then I go, um... wanna watch vids? I think the important thing to discuss might be how to measure which one works best in any given situation -- it's really rare to have only one thing in a vid (though the extreme literalists often have nothing metaphorical at all), so the big question might be *how* we know which to choose, and why.

[barkley.livejournal.com]

Well my vidshow DJ freakout has been going on, just quietly. Because, really, it's the same thought. People are going to say, "I can't believe you think that's a rarety."

And then there's the pixelated mush freakout for my Premiere vid. Half of it came from files I downloaded off the internet, and it plays fine on my TV when I burn it to DVD, but the m2v file I generated last night looks like crap, so I'm doing it again.

And then there's the Nearly New show freakout which is mostly quiet because I've accepted that it's an unredeemably schmoopy vid and it's in Nearly News and not Premieres so that's OK. *g*

I've got all sorts of freakouts going on over here. But I'm going camping, and going to aquire a new personality that doesn't worry about things like that. It will be fun. *g*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Instead of the Cheap Trick song chorus "We're all all right, we're all all right", perhaps we should have a Vividcon theme of "We're all freaked out, we're all freaked out!"

So, everyone is having mushy vids! What the hell is going on? you're the fourth person who's having tech problems that turn things to mush. I thought I was alone but I guess I'm in damn good company.

BTW, I installed the iLife '04 updates last night. I can't see any immediate benefit in iMovie nor iDVD except more menus and a useless ability to see waveforms (but not what the hell to do with them if I want to edit in the middle or see them at close range), but I'm hoping I can at least have an easier time of editing clips by not having to always go back and forth to the scrubber bar. I just really couldn't afford FCE, and figured this might tide me over till Christmas when I can beg for FCE from Dad. ;-)

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

If I stop for a moment to think about my panel (in the midst of my premiere vid meltdown) I will get HIVES.

Much like counting your money at the table, there will be time enough for freaking out over the panel when this video is done. At least I am not vidding "The Gambler" - although...that song...set to Angel...and it could be about *luck* and NO NO NO. Sorry. I am steadily losing my mind and your LJ is the current place I'm losing a bit more at.

I've already had my freakout over the vidshow and I know that not everyone will think all vids in the show belong in the "Unexpected Levels Show" but that is okay because every single vid I picked worked as meta or mind-blowing for me. So -at the very least - I have compiled a vid show that I will really enjoy. Also - if I think about it too much - hives. I really don't want to come to Chicago with hives.

have this vision of three people being in the room, all hostile Pure-Race Literalists, and trying to discuss why fire escapes might not be the most creative interpretation of the meaning behind that song and then being hauled off to a re-education camp by their jackbooted, Adobe Premier-toting brownshirts.

Oh god. Now I am *afraid* - seriously. Cause I can be as literal as the next gal - but at this point, at least I know when I am doing it and if I am literal now - it is a choice, a decision. Whereas when I first started vidding, I was literal because I did not know any better. I did not realize that I was chosing what is (at least it is to me) the simple and easy way. But I agree, if you don't get metaphor - as least as an adult - then you just don't get it and there is no one that can explain that to you. You won't enjoy a lot of things on a deeper level (not just vids) because it does not exist for you. It is like being color blind or not having synesthesia. Other people are experiencing something on a level you don't or can't appreciate.

But - there are also people who are struggling with breaking away from being so tied to the words in the lyrics and possibly want to discuss different ways to interpret a song - be it emotional intent or metaphorical imagery. I think this will be a great panel. I think you are allowed your freakout. I think in the end everything will go smoothly and I cannot wait to see the challenge show. I just hope we all have hair left by then!

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

::hums you've got to know when to hold them/know when to fold 'em/know when to walk away/know when to run/you never count your money/when you're sitting at the table::

See and Angel holds em - that could be Wes - keeping him around after he steals Connor (like in his Indiana Jones Dream) and fold em could be what happens to Lindsey and "know when to walk away" could be Angel accepting the deal from W&H at the end of "Home" where he walks away and the AI gang just stares at him (and that also works on a literal level) and then "Know when to run" could be the final confrontation - not that they are running - just that they are standing up for the final battle and that works with the word "Run" because this next lyric is a contrast to the walking lyric and it just would work.

Dammit. I am not vidding this you can't make me vid it and Kenny Rogers can go to hell.

::there'll be time enough for counting...</>::

Actually - damn song in its entirety works perfectly for Lindsey. Dammit dammit dammit.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you remind me way too much of me. ;-) I have an ability to talk myself into and out of things while doing exactly the opposite, and when I freak out, I go off on tangents that can be scary.

I wish there was something I could do to help you under deadline pressure -- if you ever need to talk about this stuff (I realize you have much better/longer term/closer vidding buddies and that you barely know me from Adam), I would be happy to be a sounding board. I feel your pain!

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. You know - the way I am - I will talk about something to death as a way to actually put off doing it. The deadline pressure has been there with this vid, to be sure, but the main insanity driving thing was not wanting to deal with the fact that the show is over and people died, which is kinda central to the vid.


So, I went a bit nutty - which is what I do. Last night I sat down with a bottle of wine and vidded the 1.5 seconds total that I was angsting about and now I am doing much better. Good enough to send the thing to beta. YAY for betas!!

[melinafandom.livejournal.com]

especially since I did such a bad job last year on the panel I helped with then.

Dude. You did not do a bad job. You *never* do a bad job. Not on any vid you've ever shown at a con, not on any panel I've ever seen you mod or co-mod during the past 7 or 8 years.

If you do not cut it out, I am going to cast a dark and terrible elf-queen spell on you! And those usually go as well as Willow's early efforts, so I'd be afraid, very afraid!

[destina.livejournal.com]

Dude. You did not do a bad job. You *never* do a bad job. Not on any vid you've ever shown at a con, not on any panel I've ever seen you mod or co-mod during the past 7 or 8 years.


Can I just second this, please? The only thing wrong with that panel was that you ran out of time!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I just freaked last year when I realized that the little movie I made was TOO FAST and people weren't able to follow. Completely freaked out. At home, it seemed slow and deliberate, and the handout seemed reasonable, and then at the con, the combo was causing people to get confused and they couldn't keep up and the videowenttoofastohmygod! Plus, being sick, not a good thing. I wanted my panel to go as smoothly as yours did. That's my big goal for this year. ;-)

[mystic-savage.livejournal.com]

You have all my sympathies, all my empathy, all my compassion...hell, you can have all the rest of my money too, AS LONG AS WE'RE ON FOR THURSDAY! I *NEED* LFN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I'm assuming we're on for Thursday).

VL

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Dude, chill! We're on. I might be trying to catch up on my book, but I'm there.

[fishsanwitt]

Gwyn,

I just wanted to let you know that I watched a couple of your vids and I enjoyed them very much :)