Attack of the 50-foot panic monster

[gwyn]

Ay yi yi... four hours and counting and still no word about evil twin's surgery. I don't know if no news is good news or her friend is just afraid to call and tell me the bad news.

ETA: My sister is out of surgery. It is very bad news. She has a rare form of cancer and they removed her ovaries, uterus, appendix, and six inches of colon. They even went up into her lymph nodes in the chest to check that those didn't have cancer. She'll be in the hospital for up to a week. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts, though, and if you still have some to spare, please hope for her to remain free of cancer in the future.

At least this anxiety takes my mind off the other anxiety, which is Vividcon. Last night I watched my solo entry for the premiere show for the first time in a while (I just wasn't able to look at it again after all the stress and misery getting the pixelization problems dealt with caused me) and I realized, to my utter horror, that people are going to laugh at it. It's not a funny vid. I wanted it to be tragic and rip your heart out sad. But I bet that, to an audience, especially one settling in for a long show, it's probably going to seem inadvertently funny: all this misery stuff piled on top of itself, and it's such a weird song, and then all these harsh images over strange lines... and everyone's going to laugh. I also know that it's second in the program (second! aaaiiieeeeeee) and comes after what sounds like a more lively and fun vid, and so all this angst with bizarro lyrics is probably going to make people laugh. No, it IS going to make people laugh. And it's too late to withdraw it from the show, and now I just want to curl up into a fetal ball and go down to San Diego and take care of my sister if she lives, and never vid again.

There is nothing more horrifying than having people laugh at your vid when it's not supposed to be funny. What was I thinking in doing this? Aaauuggghhhh... Bangs head against desk.

So since I'll be gone for a while being humiliated in public, I leave you with pimpage. My friend trollchild has got bit by two bugs at the same time -- La Femme Nikita fandom and vidding. She's got two vids up, one fannish and one non, at her new site, www.mysticsavage.com. Go and watch and encourage her -- we LFN fans have so few people doing anything in the fandom, so let's embrace the newcomers to Section One!

I haven't seen sdwolfpup's Harmony and Spike vid, but I hear it's deeelightful and hope I'll be able to see it at the con. Go watch, though!

My girl lordshiva wrote a chilling, disturbing, upsetting, and insanely dark Faith/Wes/Spike fic called Troll Under the Bridge, Wolf at the Door. If you think those words are a condemnation, you don't know me! As always with Kalima it's brilliantly written, but man! this one packs a horrific punch (the best kind). Go and read and tell her she is magnificent, because she is.

Comments

[destina.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking good thoughts for your sister. *hug*

I bet that, to an audience, especially one settling in for a long show, it's probably going to seem inadvertently funny: all this misery stuff piled on top of itself, and it's such a weird song, and then all these harsh images over strange lines... and everyone's going to laugh.

I'll bet they won't. I was having some of the same thoughts about my vid. Aside from the fact that I think people will mock it behind my back anyway (who, me? Paranoid? No!), I think it will be received in a giggly or bewildered (or bored) fashion, rather than in an 'ooooh, hey now!' fashion. I'm kind of blue about it. So I commiserate with you, but I bet you a drink that no one so much as giggles at your vid. Which, tho I haven't seen it, I am sure is wonderful.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

So sorry about your sister; am only now catching up. ::hugs::

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

I meant to say the other day that I'm thinking good thoughts for your sister and hoping for the best.

And I'm confident your vid will be great. :)

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

For my part, I'm doing my best to stave off the paranoia that I am such an unsophisticated vid-watcher that I'll say really stupid things and people will mock me. *g* Which my rational mind tells me is ridiculous. So hey, we can be paranoid together!

fwiw, I'm really looking forward to your vid, and I'll bet it will be fantastic.

And your sister is in my prayers.

[klia.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry the news of your sister wasn't better. You're both in my prayers.

Virtual hug now, and hopefully a real one tomorrow.

[tiashome.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Gwyn ::hugs you:: I'm keeping her (and you) in my thoughts.

[nwhepcat.livejournal.com]

So sorry to hear the news about your sister, but I'm holding out good thoughts. Rare doesn't always mean bad news -- I have a friend who got a rare form of cancer, and they know *exactly* what works best on it, and she's been doing very well for a couple of years. I'm lighting a candle for a similar outcome for your sister, that things get better and better for her.

[batdina.livejournal.com]

you know, we see each other once a year, twice if I come up to washington, which I haven't done in years, and yet I still feel as though if I reach out, you'll be there.

So, here's me, letting you know that if you reach out? I'll be there too.

[elke-tanzer.livejournal.com]

Good thoughts to you and your sister, and comforting thoughts to you about VividCon. I'm looking forward to your vid!

[mackiemesser.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. I hope they were able to get/find it all and that she'll pull past this quickly.

Stupidbastardcancer.

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

Hang in there ... if you ever need to rant at someone, or talk, I'm here for you!

[blue-larkspur.livejournal.com]

I will pray for your sister, for a quick recovery and cancer-free future.

Since you're twins, does that mean you're at a higher risk for this cancer too? I hope not, but please see a doctor just in case. I don't mean to sound like a pest, so ignore me if I do, I just am hoping for the best for you and your sister.

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Thoughts & prayers are with you both.

[barkley.livejournal.com]

You and your sister are in my prayers.

[lordshiva.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry. Do they know if they got it all yet? I just want to squeeze you and bake chocolate chip cookies.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

No, seriously -- this isn't lightweight giggling, it's going to be pained "how horrible" laughter. It isn't till you step back sometimes and look at things from a distance that you can see the potential for suckage. I think that individually, it's not bad, but at a show, and for people unfamiliar with Angel, this is just going to seem... agonizingly awful, funny in a really bad way. People are going to be laughing in a very uncomfortable way.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Will you have a copy at the con of your vid? I would LOVE to see it.

[mistakency.livejournal.com]

Best wishes to you and your sister. I'm sorry to hear she's not doing well, but I'm hoping for the best and she'll be in my thoughts. Good luck to your family.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I can tell you that it would be unlikely you'd say anything to get that reaction from a vidder -- most of us, we just want to hear anything. And I think you're incapable of saying the kinds of things one person always says to me that are demeaning and casually cruel in this totally thoughtless way, and who, this year, I'm going to ask her to please not say anything to me if she opens her mouth nearby. Knowing what I know about you, you would never be like that! I'm so glad you are able to come after all, and I'm really looking forward to seeing you.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I think it's the ovarian thing that's scaring me most, because it's what killed my mom and it's such a terrifying cancer. I'm hoping that if it's rare, that means there is some understanding of its nature and that it's not so big they won't just throw terrible chemicals at it and be done. I guess all I can do now is wait and see. Thank you for the kind thoughts, and I definitely hope it's something similar to your friend!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

That's what I'm trying not to selfishly wonder about, too. The only way to know for certain if we're identical is to do a DNA test, which would never happen, but as far as we know, we are, and so I'm worried about what this means for me, even beyond what happens for her and her treatment. I mostly am trying to focus on her, but I can't help wondering. I go to the doc every year because I have to for my meds, and I'm definitely going to bring this up and see what can be done.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I'm going to try to call her friend tonight and see if she's heard anything more. I don't think sis is going to be able to talk for at least another day. I'd like to call the doctor and talk, but I've learned how fruitless that is long distance. I'd like to know what this cancer is and get info on it, and find out just how confident they are that they got everything (I guess that's why they took out her appendix as well -- anything that came in contact with that area, basically). I hate not knowing, and being on a plane for 5 hours tomorrow is only going to make me even more tense!

[fishsanwitt]

Gwyn, I'm sending good thoughts and prayers to your and your family. Hang in there! ::hugs::

[minim_calibre]

Thoughts, wishes, and crossed fingers for you both, Gwyn. Let me know if there's anything I can do, even if it's dragging you away from your house for a soothing cup of tea or something.

Take care of yourself this weekend, and may the vid show go far better than you are anticipating.

[paratti.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, and I'll be thinking of you and your sister. (((Hugs)))

[mystic-savage.livejournal.com]

My fingers have cramps because I'm keeping them crossed for you. Thanks for pimping me out, Baby. I'm working on the Amelie thing today.

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

Sure! I guess ... VCD? I don't have ability to get it onto VHS right now. (And thank you for the pimping, btw.)

[varina8.livejournal.com]

I'm just catching up with my mail. You and your sister are in my thoughts. If I can do anything, you have my numbers.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Gwyn. Thinking good thoughts for your sister.

*hugs*

[przed.livejournal.com]

Haven't been around online much, but I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you and your sister.

Take care.

[caille.livejournal.com]

gwyn, darling. I send you my very best wishes for your sister, and my best thoughts for strength for you to get through this.

I don't have much to offer, but I am sort of good at finding things out online. If you are too stressed or freaked out to do it yourself, I would be glad to do medical research for you, to the best of my abilities. My e-mail address is in my user-info. Please let me know if I can information-gather for you, okay?

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear the bad news. I'm keeping your sister in my thoughts while she recovers.

*hugs to you too*

[kathyh]

So sorry to hear this. I'll be thinking positive thoughts for your sister and hoping they've got all the cancer.

And I'm sure your vid will be fine.

[taverymate.livejournal.com]

All my best wishes for your sister's complete recovery.

[http://users.livejournal.com/beingboring_/]

Oh man. Big thoughts and prayers. I'm thinking about your family.

[cy-girl.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry about your sister's cancer. I hope they got it all. :::hug:::

Big Hug!!

[wolffire.livejournal.com]

Yikes! About your sister! Yikes!

I have been thinking of you and of her. I send the both of you warm, healing thoughts. Both of my maternal units have survived cancers, and my younger sister has had more "is it cancer?" scares than I have thus far. I know how horribly frightening all this can be.

May her body heal and become strong enough to survive whatever treatments are coming next. And may you find the calm you need to be there for her in whatever way she can let you be.

[tir.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that. *hugs* and thoughts.

[superplin.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister, Gwyn. But I'm keeping you both in my thoughts, and hope you are able to allow yourself to be at least a little distracted by Vividcon and have some fun. And I hope that, as DutchBuffy said, rare doesn't mean especially difficult to treat.

Hugs.

[debxena.livejournal.com]

Holy Shit, Gwyn – my thoughts are totally with your sister. And *big hugs* for you, as I’m sure you need them too.