Clarity, parity, and charity
Jan. 11th, 2005 08:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynSo, to clarify a little about what I said yesterday, and because this has come up a bunch recently in private conversations. For me, fandom is about participation and community. I'm not as social as many people I know, but I also don't thrive in a fandom without participation and a sense of friendships or having conversations or whatever. People talk a lot about being happy producing on their own or "writing/vidding for me" or whatever. That's fine. I don't relate to that, because the truth is, if we were doing it only for ourselves, we wouldn't be posting or printing stories, making vids available, going to cons, whatever. Even if we're just heads-down, writing or vidding, not looking up at the world around us, the act of sharing the product is participation. And that's my primary interest in fandom -- I came to realize a long time ago that I seem to have been born with the fannish gene, and it's who I am, so I have to live with the fact that I'm always going to be acting fannish about something.
And there's where my cognitive dissonance comes in, because the way the culture has morphed into this drive-by consume and move on, no contact culture means I have no sense of participation and community any more. If I'm lucky, I might get feedback on a vid or a story, but 99% of the time, I won't. Some people have higher ratios of that, and some lower, but for all of us who produce anything, that response is now pretty much the only way you have to gauge whether you're making connections with people and people are responding to what you do (because you can't gauge things like zine sales, etc.). (Except a con vid show, where you can get a sense sometimes judging by applause and conversations after, but shows are far and few between and most fans don't go anyway.) For some people, they don't care. That's fine. But for some of us, that sense of connection -- of writing a letter to an author whose work you loved and striking up a conversation, and later a friendship; of getting a note from someone and connecting to them; or them discovering your LJ or vice versa -- is the only real thing that separates fandom from the mundane world. And I think community has largely disappeared, because discussion and participation have disappeared, except for some reason in Buffyverse fandom, where people still seem to be going strong with things like the virtual seasons and the Tea at the Ford site.
The thing is, I have a million things I should and could be doing. The only thing that compels me to produce anything besides the mandate of the fannish gene is being able to connect to people, to inspire conversation or ideas. I should be gardening, working on the house, helping my dad, working on RL fiction... blah blah. Lots of stuff I drop because of fandom. When I write, I make a movie in my head -- it's completely cast, it's got a cinematographer, the works. I know exactly how it will sound and look and can see it there. I make vids in my head too -- and they're often a lot better than the vids I make, because they have lovely effects and turn out way more beautiful than anything I could ever do on my own. So there's no reason whatsoever for me to actually work hard to produce these things when I can enjoy them on my own in my head (one of the reasons I have so much trouble writing short burst exercises -- I can't fully film my movie!). Except, of course, for community, sharing, the whole process of being part of the fandom, whichever one I'm in. For making this thing I love to do, and dispersing it to others to, hopefully, enjoy.
I like participating with like-minded people. I think it's fun to talk meta, to analyze and dissect, to share and discuss and be part of a group. The best time I had getting into a fandom was when![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
feochadn, movies_michelle, and black_bird_777 and I all got into Magnificent 7 at the same time, and we'd gather for ep watchings, e-mail furiously back and forth, help each other with the stories blackbird and I were writing, share resources, etc. God, that was great for the short time it lasted. Part of what inspired me about F&F was having mlyn standing behind me, cheerleading. When I first got back into Buffy, I wrote tons of feedback to authors I loved, and a lot of them actually responded, and I ended up making some really good friends who've transcended just LJ friends list status. For me, that's what sharing stories or vids is all about -- connecting, knowing, gathering, relating.
And that's why things like the negativity of some people at Escapade grinds me down so much -- they've removed the positive aspects of participation and replaced it with negative, they've made a lot of us flinchy and unhappy and tense, where we used to be that way only in the moments when we actually showed the vid. Now it permeates the whole con and afterwards for vidders. I thinkmelina123's right in that we have to just say, fuck you all for taking away this show we care about and love, I'm bringing what I want. But I also know that emotionally, I've been worn down by the sort of pre-emptive negativity to things like Western fandoms, non-popular pairings or show, other themes, and I find it really depressing when people shut you down before you even have a chance to share. Because... all about the sharing, here.
Vids for shows and recruitment and such have been a big part of my vidding experience lately, much more than just making something for my own fun. And with goals in mind, it makes it feel more imperative to connect with people -- what good's a recruiter vid that doesn't recruit, or a dance show vid that doesn't make people want to dance, you know? That's where my dissonance gets stuck, on a repeat cycle. You want to connect, but you just don't know these days in many areas if you ever will. Or, you'll only get negativity as with some of the people at Escapade, so the connections formed are ones that make you want to run away from this thing you love.
Because, you know, you could be doing a million other things. I'm fine with just leaving my movies in my head and enjoying them over and over. The only thing that compels me to make them into something I can share is the community, if they want those things. If I have no sense that the community wants them? Hell, why bother. I believe I see similar attitudes from a lot of people -- it's not a "feedback me or I'll take my ball and go home" problem, it's more of a "well, hm, if there's just a big vacuum out there and there's no community, and I'm just a faceless vending machine, maybe I'll just do more laundry instead of making this vid." Without feeling like we have people to participate with, discuss, get meta, talk vid or story... many of us just sort of dry up and wither. We might want to vid because we're compelled to, but after a while, the compulsion can just disappear without a little watering and fertilizer. I get many of my best ideas out of conversations with other fans about how they see things in eps or something -- without that, I run out of concepts to pursue. That's why, with Buffy still going strong, there's more compelling stuff to write, even two years later. People are still talking.
I'm glad many people don't care and will continue to output regardless of connections or negative people at cons or what have you. That's cool that they feel that way. But I'm definitely not one of those people -- without feeling like I'm able to connect to people through what I do, I'd just rather sit on my fat ass and balance my checkbook while watching A Man Apart again, and dreaming up scenarios with scantily clad Vin that I will keep in my own little brain, fully formed. A wonderful evening like I had last night, getting amazing con-crit fromkillabeez about my new vid (and making me feel much more positive about it, because I thrive on good solid crit) and chatting in another window with tzikeh about music and Carnivale, is the kind of thing that makes me love participating. I was so energized last night after talking to them I couldn't go to sleep! Just simple little conversations. Not just feedback, but relating. Participation. 'Cause that's what I'm all about -- otherwise you can find me watching one of my really stunning vids in my head, zoning out on TV, disconnected, or enjoying that story unfolding cinematically in my head.
And there's where my cognitive dissonance comes in, because the way the culture has morphed into this drive-by consume and move on, no contact culture means I have no sense of participation and community any more. If I'm lucky, I might get feedback on a vid or a story, but 99% of the time, I won't. Some people have higher ratios of that, and some lower, but for all of us who produce anything, that response is now pretty much the only way you have to gauge whether you're making connections with people and people are responding to what you do (because you can't gauge things like zine sales, etc.). (Except a con vid show, where you can get a sense sometimes judging by applause and conversations after, but shows are far and few between and most fans don't go anyway.) For some people, they don't care. That's fine. But for some of us, that sense of connection -- of writing a letter to an author whose work you loved and striking up a conversation, and later a friendship; of getting a note from someone and connecting to them; or them discovering your LJ or vice versa -- is the only real thing that separates fandom from the mundane world. And I think community has largely disappeared, because discussion and participation have disappeared, except for some reason in Buffyverse fandom, where people still seem to be going strong with things like the virtual seasons and the Tea at the Ford site.
The thing is, I have a million things I should and could be doing. The only thing that compels me to produce anything besides the mandate of the fannish gene is being able to connect to people, to inspire conversation or ideas. I should be gardening, working on the house, helping my dad, working on RL fiction... blah blah. Lots of stuff I drop because of fandom. When I write, I make a movie in my head -- it's completely cast, it's got a cinematographer, the works. I know exactly how it will sound and look and can see it there. I make vids in my head too -- and they're often a lot better than the vids I make, because they have lovely effects and turn out way more beautiful than anything I could ever do on my own. So there's no reason whatsoever for me to actually work hard to produce these things when I can enjoy them on my own in my head (one of the reasons I have so much trouble writing short burst exercises -- I can't fully film my movie!). Except, of course, for community, sharing, the whole process of being part of the fandom, whichever one I'm in. For making this thing I love to do, and dispersing it to others to, hopefully, enjoy.
I like participating with like-minded people. I think it's fun to talk meta, to analyze and dissect, to share and discuss and be part of a group. The best time I had getting into a fandom was when
feochadn, movies_michelle, and black_bird_777 and I all got into Magnificent 7 at the same time, and we'd gather for ep watchings, e-mail furiously back and forth, help each other with the stories blackbird and I were writing, share resources, etc. God, that was great for the short time it lasted. Part of what inspired me about F&F was having mlyn standing behind me, cheerleading. When I first got back into Buffy, I wrote tons of feedback to authors I loved, and a lot of them actually responded, and I ended up making some really good friends who've transcended just LJ friends list status. For me, that's what sharing stories or vids is all about -- connecting, knowing, gathering, relating. And that's why things like the negativity of some people at Escapade grinds me down so much -- they've removed the positive aspects of participation and replaced it with negative, they've made a lot of us flinchy and unhappy and tense, where we used to be that way only in the moments when we actually showed the vid. Now it permeates the whole con and afterwards for vidders. I think
melina123's right in that we have to just say, fuck you all for taking away this show we care about and love, I'm bringing what I want. But I also know that emotionally, I've been worn down by the sort of pre-emptive negativity to things like Western fandoms, non-popular pairings or show, other themes, and I find it really depressing when people shut you down before you even have a chance to share. Because... all about the sharing, here.Vids for shows and recruitment and such have been a big part of my vidding experience lately, much more than just making something for my own fun. And with goals in mind, it makes it feel more imperative to connect with people -- what good's a recruiter vid that doesn't recruit, or a dance show vid that doesn't make people want to dance, you know? That's where my dissonance gets stuck, on a repeat cycle. You want to connect, but you just don't know these days in many areas if you ever will. Or, you'll only get negativity as with some of the people at Escapade, so the connections formed are ones that make you want to run away from this thing you love.
Because, you know, you could be doing a million other things. I'm fine with just leaving my movies in my head and enjoying them over and over. The only thing that compels me to make them into something I can share is the community, if they want those things. If I have no sense that the community wants them? Hell, why bother. I believe I see similar attitudes from a lot of people -- it's not a "feedback me or I'll take my ball and go home" problem, it's more of a "well, hm, if there's just a big vacuum out there and there's no community, and I'm just a faceless vending machine, maybe I'll just do more laundry instead of making this vid." Without feeling like we have people to participate with, discuss, get meta, talk vid or story... many of us just sort of dry up and wither. We might want to vid because we're compelled to, but after a while, the compulsion can just disappear without a little watering and fertilizer. I get many of my best ideas out of conversations with other fans about how they see things in eps or something -- without that, I run out of concepts to pursue. That's why, with Buffy still going strong, there's more compelling stuff to write, even two years later. People are still talking.
I'm glad many people don't care and will continue to output regardless of connections or negative people at cons or what have you. That's cool that they feel that way. But I'm definitely not one of those people -- without feeling like I'm able to connect to people through what I do, I'd just rather sit on my fat ass and balance my checkbook while watching A Man Apart again, and dreaming up scenarios with scantily clad Vin that I will keep in my own little brain, fully formed. A wonderful evening like I had last night, getting amazing con-crit from
killabeez about my new vid (and making me feel much more positive about it, because I thrive on good solid crit) and chatting in another window with tzikeh about music and Carnivale, is the kind of thing that makes me love participating. I was so energized last night after talking to them I couldn't go to sleep! Just simple little conversations. Not just feedback, but relating. Participation. 'Cause that's what I'm all about -- otherwise you can find me watching one of my really stunning vids in my head, zoning out on TV, disconnected, or enjoying that story unfolding cinematically in my head.
