Too tired to think of anything for a title

[gwyn]

It's Dead Dog party time at Escapade and I'm hitting the wall, which I've been running straight into for a while now. I don't sleep well at hotels anyway, but this has been more stressful than usual since I came here from spending time with my sister. Things have been unusually bad, and I destroyed a reading party yesterday when my sister called, wanting me to come back down to San Diego today rather than go home on Monday from LAX, like I have planned. At that point I pretty much broke down and everyone in the room who'd been expecting a fun time had to try to put me back together. I'm so sorry, you guys, for spoiling the fun. But you helped me a lot.

I feel as if I'm teetering on the edge every second. I really need to sit down and have a good nervous breakdown sob session, but I just don't feel like I can. The con hasn't helped, it's been weird and awkward in spots, and the vid show was more stresful than usual because we got a new projector that wouldn't work at first. Lots of running around like a mad thing, and everyone losing their tempers. Pretty much par for the course, but it never is fun knowing that so many people are waiting for you with high expectations and it seems like it might not happen. Somehow we always get it to work, though.

I don't have much in the way of comments on shows and panels. I found more this year to connect to than I usually do, and that was nice. Met more new people. But overall it's felt as if a big dark cloud hangs over me, and it's hard to keep my attention on any one thing. I finally told me sister that I couldn't come down, that I simply had to go home. She'd asked me to change my plans on Thursday, so there was a big emergency about getting her home, and then I had to drive up to Ventura by myself and spend a lot more on the car, etc. Took me three and a half horrible hours in which I desperately had to pee, stuck in utter hell traffic on the 405, to get through LA just up to the 101, and another hour and a half or more to the hotel on Thursday. I got in ridiculously late, and had to drive back down to Oxnard to return the rental car. I think in a lot of ways that set a feeling for me I was never able to really get over. And it turns out that my sister doesn't really have 24 hour care that she needs, as she'd told us all at the hospital, so it's a serious crisis that I can't ignore.

I want to help her but I've spent the weekend around sick people, so I have no confidence I won't get sick again. And I'm thisclose to a nervous breakdown. So I really needed to go home, and I think her friend understands that and is trying to help me out. But I'll probably be back down in SoCal again this weekend. I'm so tired I hurt. I miss my cat. I want to just go home. But she's very, very ill, and I cannot ignore that she might die any day.

It's weird how this kind of thing affects everything else, stuff that shouldn't feel that way. I tried to patch up some issues with people but they didn't seem interested, and somehow that hurt worse than just "well, it's their problem." Rude people who turn their backs on people or shut people out really have given me the blues this weekend, more than it should. I should be able to shrug off being shined on by people I want to respect, and say, well, they're the losers, but it ends up feeling a lot worse than it ought to. Seeing friends behave badly wounds more than it should, as well. Strangely, it's been the people I don't know who've often been the friendliest, and kindest. The Mag 7 vid seemed to go off better than I expected (chatteraye, you'd have been really pleasantly surprised by the unusual fandoms this year in the show, I think, including Sharpie!) and that meant I was able to meet and connect to some people I haven't had the chance to before. That went a long way toward making the slights feel better in some respects. But I still have a hard time reconciling some of the sheer rudeness (something I really hate, because I keep struggling with changing my own bad behaviors) of people I know and thought better of, and I don't know why, it makes no sense, but that in your face kind of thoughtlessness has bothered me more this weekend than my sister's illness, and feeling like I've bailed on her in the worst situation she's ever been in. My priorities are really mixed up.

The con hotel is really quite nice in a lot of ways. Some problems, but the beds are great, and the swimming pool is divine -- the warmest I've ever been in. I swam and swam, and that always brings out intense emotions for me, I don't know why. I had a mini breakdown in the pool this afternoon, but not enough to get it out of my system. The beach was beautiful. I never got the chance to see the Fast and Furious filming sites that I wanted to -- if the emergency with my sister hadn't happened, I would have been down early on Thu with blackbird, and then we would have gone to "Toretto's Market" in Echo Park, and Neptune's Net, and things like that. I'm heartsick that I couldn't go, it may not happen ever now. That was the killer for the weekend, but maybe if we get down to LA early enough for our plane tomorrow, we can drive by at least one filming site. Otherwise I think it won't feel totally fannish.

And then back on more planes, and playing nurse again.

Comments

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

[umbo.livejournal.com]

Oh, Gwyn, I so wish I could do something to help. Please *try* not to feel bad for feeling bad about weird things, or feeling what*ever* you're feeling--of course it's weird and confusing and awful, no matter what. You're in an incredibly tough spot--I can't even begin to imagine how you're making it through this. You continue to be in my thoughts.

*tons of hugs*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I'm not sure I am making it through! It's a balancing act that I don't do well at -- I feel guilty for being gone, and guilty for bailing on someone who's possibly not going to live through the day... no matter what I choose, I'm going to feel terrible.

I thought of you yesterday, when we boarded our plane. We had a Buddhist monk in the row in front of us, and for some reason, it made me feel weirdly relieved. Like the flight would be okay, and maybe other things as well.

[superplin.livejournal.com]

I have no helpful words for you, unfortunately, but I know how hard it is to feel you have no inner resources left at all, and yet be unable to just collapse. When you're depleted and have no choice but to keep going.

I've been thinking of you. Try to take care of yourself, if you can.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you -- and I'm so sorry that I haven't been keeping up at TatF. I want to check in, but it seems to keep fading away from me, the time and the energy. I know you know what I mean, though, so I know you get it.

[maubast.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of you.

[labgirl2076.livejournal.com]

Sending hugs and warm thoughts your way.

I think you have been under a lot of stress and shouldn't be suprised that you had a breakdown. You are entitled.

I hope things become better for you in the future.

[yseultdb.livejournal.com]

First...

*hugs you very very tightly and lets you cry*

Second, it is perfectly normal to feel this way given what's going on. At least you have the good sense to say something, even if it's not to the people who should be listening.

Third, is there a crisis counselor that **you** can call, a hotline or something for caregivers? The nursing staff or patient advocate (if one exists) may be able to give you pointers in this. I know it's hard to do, but it is equally important to take care of you too. It is easy to underestimate the mental toll it takes on the caregiver. A lot of attention gets focusssed on the person who is ill. Sometimes we forget to pay attention to the ones who are helping the ill people.

Yseult

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

God, I haven't even thought of looking for something like a support group! For some reason it never even crossed my mind. I thought of calling my old counselor, but the money sort of stopped me, but for some reason I didn't really think about finding some other means. Durr.

I know that, if she doesn't die in the next few days while she's in precarious shape, we're in for a pretty brutal short haul, from my past experience with my mom. But it's hard to know how to conserve resources, when it consumes your life. I wish there were rules that cancer had to follow, so that every experience was the same, and you could follow a play by play book.

[minim_calibre]

Oh, Gwyn, I wish there were something I could do, or some way to pause the chaos so that you could have a chance to rest.

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

*hugs* thinking of you and your sister!!!

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all of this; I've been keeping you and your sister in my thoughts and will continue to do so.

And do take care of yourself. You are not bailing on your sister-- you absolutely have to stay sane and healthy, or you'll be no good to her at all (or to yourself, or to anyone).

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you, hon. Hey, I meant to tell you a long time ago and forgot that the disc I made of my older VCR vids for La Femme Nikita (and XF) is done now. If you're still interested let me know -- it's totally free just for an envelope (which is less about convenience for me than because I am hopelessly forgetful unless I have something physically in front of me!). It turned out surprisingly well and only a couple of the vids were so bad they weren't truly salvageable -- they look okay, but not great.

[cy-girl.livejournal.com]

Gwyn - you and your sister are in my thoughts.

:::hug:::

[ixchel55.livejournal.com]

Well, crap. I can't express how badly I feel for you. I was hoping that this weekend would be kind of a pressure release. I think you should, by all means, as soon as you get home, have your mini-breakdown and cry your heart out. You're entitled and it might let off a little of the pressure that's building up inside.

About the butt-heads who can't act like decent human beings? Fuck them. But I know it's hard to look at things graciously and philosophically when you're running on empty and it feels as though your heart is being carved out a piece at a time.

Hang on, it sucks but it'll pass and there are many who care about you.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I think I've always had a hard time being snubbed, and having people shine me on in public places, especially parties -- I've always struggled with no self-esteem, and being excluded, especially when I muster the courage to go to things, hits me harder than most people. Then you piled the raw nerves on top of it and... I become a big old ball of mushy sadness. But the people who really do value me, made that really clear at the con, and that was the important thing. I got to walk on the beach with my friends, and swim in the pool, and hang out in the restaurant, and people were there for me.

[moonchildetoo.livejournal.com]

Are you INFJ? Another 'separated at birth' moment. Not that we're the only ones, but something else we have in common.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I am! I sometimes, in my more practical times, test out at INTJ, but most often am an F. NOt exactly an easy one to be, I think.

[moonchildetoo.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is spooky! No wonder our thought processes are so similar sometimes.

I have also tested as INFP, but apparently the FP/FJ thing is common, to test on both sides. Yet when I really read all the descriptions on various sites, FJ just fits. A living, breathing ball of insecurity, me.

[moonchildetoo.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry that everything seems to be crashing down on you right about now, and that Escapade didn't help all that much. In a slightly different scenario, I've experienced some of what you're going through now. Seven years ago my mom was in a coma, not expected to live, and I had to handle that as well as simultaneously put my stepdad into an Alzheimer's home and start a new job involving a 2 hour per day drive each way. I thought I would go out of my mind, not only with mental and physical exhaustion, but with guilt at not spending every spare minute with my mom as she eventually recovered, surprising everyone. Adding my thoughts to others, I would just say try not to let the guilt make you crazy or drive you to exhaustion, and do let go and express your grief/rage/frustration - you need to do that for your sanity, and it's much healthier to let it out than to try and keep it in.

A Sharpe vid - wow! What was it like? And you're just as well off not traveling to Echo Park, actually ;-) Picturesque as hell, but in a badass part of town. Not to mention, M-F you'd be in traffic hell for sure.

Hang in there. There are people who know what you're going through and who understand. {Hugs}

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Jesus H., that is a horrible story. i had no idea it was that extreme -- I can't even imagne how you coped. At least I've had these things happen to me in separate instances, rather than at the same time.

The Sharpe vid was by przed and if you're on some of the Sharpe communities, I imagine you've seen the link by now -- if not let me know and I can give you her URL. It was quite fun -- I need to send her some feedback when I get myself together. I didn't groove on the song at all, but in context of the vid I was okay, and the imagery was what counted, the whole brothers in arms thing and friendship of him and Harper. There was also an exquisite Boromir vid by melina123 that reduced me to tears, and I never cry at vids. It's the rare perfect vid. There was also an Aragorn/Boromir vid that I enjoyed, but that my friends didn't so much. I can't help it -- the song was huge for me in high school, and the pairing makes me all wobbly, so I was there even if it wasn't as strong a vid as I'd have liked.

There were just somer eally different fandoms and styles this year, which I really enjoyed. not to mention some great vids! I think if things hadn't been so bad with me this year, and if some awkward relationships weren't happening, it would have been a much better con this year than it has been in the past for me.

[moonchildetoo.livejournal.com]

I'll email you when I've got my DSL (I'm still living in the Stone Age, but intend to get DSL within the next couple of months) about the Sharpe vid. The Boromir vid sounds wonderful.

Because I'm old *g*, and stuck in a time warp music-wise, it's pretty rare for me to know any of the music in a vid, so I just have to enjoy the visuals.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if she makes them readily available on DVD, but I know that przed does have DVDs with her vids on them for purchase or trade. She makes lovely vids -- and she has some other ones with Sean Bean, so you might find it worthwhile to get her discs. And the Escapade DVD was actually given out at the con, and there will be extras available so you might find it worthwhile to order it, if the DSL is farther in the future! I only just got high speed, so that was how I got around the problem -- I just ordered discs whenever I could because it was easier than going to my dad's or a friend's to DL them.

[moonchildetoo.livejournal.com]

Good point, I could order DVDs, yah. I met przed at the last BASCon. I think I was the only person there who had seen Withnail and I, and she did a lovely vid of it.

I had hoped to have had the DSL by now (new computer and new monitor last month, yay!), but all these little piddly-ass things have been happening to me both personally and at work that have kept me from getting things set up.
April for sure, maybe sooner!

[dine.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm awfully sorry that this wasn't a relaxing break from the major stressors in your life - not sure what was affecting people, but you didn't need that sort of behavior on top of everything else in your life.

it was grand to speak with you for a second at the Mag 7 panel - your vid is spectacular (as always) and while I can't be of concrete help, please feel free to holler if you need a shoulder or an ear. I'm really ok with people venting, and I have tons of minutes on my cell if you need an actual voice on the other end.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

It was a joy to meet you finally in person for real, after all this time of seeing you before and not connecting.

I think it would have been a good con but for some awkward things with some people, and a really rude and demeaning event early in the con that somehow affected me more than anything else, since my feelings were so frayed already. I can deal with mean people, but rude, thoughtless and excusionary people tip me over the edge. But people are what they are, I guess -- it's just hard to see someone's true colors when you're not in good shape, if that makes sense. A shock to the system. ;-)

[przed.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to send a big hug your way and let you know I'm thinking about you.

[fishsanwitt]

I'm so sorry. ::hugs you gently::

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

So, I'm sitting on a couch at the top of the stairs and along comes Gwyn, who I knew was a bit stressed about getting the proper care arranged for her sister, and I ask if that's good, if she's heard back from the person she called, etc, and Gwyn says yes and then ...

... she asks me how my brother is. Is he feeling better? Has he found medication that works for him?

And that, my friends, is everything you need to know about Gwyn.

Too tired

[(Anonymous)]

Hi Gwyn
I heard about your sister from Wingbow and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I had only about an eighth of your stress with my father and we lived in the same town. I'm sending my good thoughts your way.
Cheryl and Judy
Eugene

Re: Too tired

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you both -- it really does mean a lot to me that people have sent me such kind wishes. It's the thing that keeps me going when I feel like I'm running on fumes. {{{hugs}}}

[mystic-savage.livejournal.com]

If you need anything, I'm here.

[norah.livejournal.com]

Just *hugs*. That's all.

[justacat.livejournal.com]

I'm so very, very sorry; when I read about your sister and your pain my heart bleeds for you. I'm also sorry about the con issues; I don't know the specifics of what you're talking about, but I know the feeling you describe very well. Selfishly, though, I'm glad you were there - I really, really enjoyed getting the chance to see you and chat with you; it was a real pleasure.

Ah, I wish there was something I or anyone else could do to make this all better ...

{{Hugs}}

[morgandawn.livejournal.com]

Call me anytime you need to chat, break down or just distract. Take care of your needs/emotions - this will also help your sister and your dad.

PS. The pool was lovely, the cat was cute and the weird projector added a surreal air to the vid show - one which I, being on drugs, appreciated. I think this may be the solution to many con woes - more drugs for everyone!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I hope you are recovering okay -- I'm sure you were pretty wiped out by the end. I hope the drive home was okay. But I'm sure jorit and lizyjn took good care of you!

[wolffire.livejournal.com]

{{{{{}}}}}

I want so much to say something comforting. I'm at a total loss on that account.

I want to give you reflective observations based on what you've written. That too seems a bad idea. (The line between reflection and advice is a thin one in my world...and I have a feeling advice is the last thing you need right now.)

I'm here for you. Type at me. Call me. Or just know that I'm thinking of you.

[sheepsclothing.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your vid, and especially the music. Wow...Big Country! You don't hear that everyday. But I think I told you that when I collared you in the bathroom. Sorry about that. If I'd known what was going on in your life, I would have probably still told you, but in a more 'tiptoe' kind of way I suppose.
I hope you got to see at least one fannish site on your way home...oui?
About the rude ones. I got them too. As if it's not hard enough to come out of your bubble and try and meet new people as Jen suggested, but then to be snubbed, ignored or whatever, just makes you think 'Well, I'm never doing that again!' But the people who are nice, are always nice even when they barely know you; you, for instance, Carol S, Sandy, Tzikeh and others of course, whose names I've forgotten 'cos it's late.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you that crying and ranting at the world helps. I've been doing that a lot this last 6 months, since I lost my Mum rather suddenly. I do a lot of it in the car for some reason. It helps a bit, but you do get a headache! Because everything is just too raw to want to discuss it just yet.
That's my 2 cents anyway, for what it's worth. (the previous sentence makes absolutely no sense to me!)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

No, seriously -- the tiptoeing isn't necessary, and the fact that anyone has something good to say about a vid or a story or something is enormously sustaining. It really does mean a lot to me, and I'm SO glad that you enjoyed the vid. I was pretty worried about it, becuase Mag 7 hasn't had the best reception when we've shown vids in it there before, and the vid is very bare bones, no special effects and nifty editing tricks, etc. I was afraid it might just be too boring. But people seemed to get a kick out of the song choice!

[elke-tanzer.livejournal.com]

*gentle hugs*