Nothing happening here, move along

[gwyn]

Not much going on, but I know this is the way I keep in touch with people these days, it seems. I am about a minute from the end of the Fast and the Furious vid. I like it a lot so far, though it's been interesting working on it, readjusting my expectations of what I was going to do with it. The other vids I did in Final Cut were fairly heavy effects-wise, except the Wonderfalls vid (which, once VVC is over, I will post, but since it's a premiere, I can't, so don't ask!), and so I thought going in I would do that. But I'm going instead for fast cutting to create effects in certain places that the music cues to, in one case appropriating an effect that klia and thevetia did for their vid at last year's premieres show, Untitled 6, for Touching Evil. They did a single frame against single frame crosscut to create a really cool strobing effect, and in one part of the music this works perfectly, and allows me to use one of the unsweetened deleted scenes from the movie that I've always wanted to use (the gay porn video cover tableau). So I'm pleased as punch, though I have a feeling there will be gripes about the cuts.

The washer saga continues. The certified repairman came on Thursday and poked around in the machine, and said that they installed it wrong, and didn't remove the shipping rods. Apparently there are both bolts and rods of the shipping variety, and that sent the machine into such a tailspin that it fried the circuit board of the computer that runs it (and why I smelled something burning). He told me I was too nice and I should have been on the phone reading them the riot act. I was reluctant, though, to ask for a replacement just because it took me three freaking months to get this damn thing, but I told the customer service guy at the store I was pretty pissed, just... you know, nicely. They will replace it, on Tuesday, hopefully -- they said the shipment that took forever for me to get mine had more washer/dryer combos for the warehouse, so they were in stock. And he promised me they will read the freaking manual. I'm glad they will make good on this thing, but it's been such a nightmare, and I have to move all the furniture again so they can remove the old one and bring the new one in, which is a pain.

Then I had a dermatologist appointment on Friday and found out that I have yet another skin cancer. They think it's just another basal cell, which is the least problematic, but one thing she told me was that apparently there is a strong link for women between being prone to basal cell carcinomas and... ovarian and breast cancer. Since my sister died from what was originally ovarian cancer, and I still don't know yet if I have the gene marker for this cancer even though we're twins, this was not comforting news. But she did say that they have a much nicer way to remove them now, since the one I had removed a couple years ago -- which left me with an annoying and frequently painful scar at the corner of my left eye. Since this is on my top chest, right where a v-neck will show it, I'm glad it will have less scarring. Though I've already torn the bandage from the biopsy... wound, I guess you could call it, off in my sleep . So I may have scars no matter what.

I feel like I'm not doing well by my writing group lately, because I can't seem to move out of writing about my sister or my life right now, and can't really be creative. The things I'm writing just have nothing creative about them, they're either rants or stream of consciousness stupidity like I write here... it's like the ability of my mind to develop character and concepts different from my own life are nonexistent. And I hate it when people say "it takes time" because not only do I already know that, but it's totally irrelevant -- there is no way I can explain to a non-twin what it's like to be one, and to lose one, and it's not really a situation that's going to go away no matter how much time passes. So I don't know if the writing is ever going to come back, in a way. I worry that all this has driven away my creativity and nothing will bring it back. Anyway, I'm going to force myself to write tomorrow and join some local fan friends waaaayyy up north to hunker down and work on fanfic, at least. It may be forced, but it's all I got.

Comments

[puppetpants.livejournal.com]

I didn't know you were a twin... ;_;

I am an identical twin. I don't know what I would do if something were to happen to her, and I live in constant fear of it. Or, for that matter, if something were to happen to me... How old were you when it happened? Does it get easier..?

I wouldn't bother you with insensitive questions like these, except that I know one day one of us is going to have to face the same loss. :(

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

My sister died just a few months ago; she had surgery last August, when they discovered she had ovarian cancer (I was pretty sure she was sicker than she believed), and then when she didn't get better after chemo finished in Dec., things went bad very quickly. After an emergency surgery in Feb., she never got much better and died a few weeks afterwards. It's been very, very hard on me -- not just the loss, which is what I think most people focus on (where the platitudes about it takes time come from), but that I have a lot of guilt, and her death was so horrible, that I can't stop thinking about it. And as you know... no matter what, whether you fight or whatever, there's a connection that is inexplicable to other people, and when you've lost that, you've lost something of your own life, too. I have a lot of regrets about not saying the things I needed to say to her (she died very very unexpectedly when we though we'd have a few more days, maybe even a week), that even a twin needs to hear, I think.

It's not insensitive, I'm glad you asked. No one asks me about her, really, about the twinness. I guess they're afraid of hurting me, but it's hard to pretend like she wasn't my other half. It's not just the loss, it's the person, so I'm glad you asked.

[puppetpants.livejournal.com]

I guess that's one of the major motivations behind my decision to quit smoking... My sister was a TERRIBLE smoker. She smoked two packs a day, and at 21 years old, her doctor told her that her lungs looked like that of an old woman. She was told that she would live a very short life if she didn't quit, so she did, and hasn't smoked a cigarette since.

I, on the other hand, never smoked until about three years ago. The past year, my smoking has gotten worse--up to a pack a day--and I'm just sick of it. I've been having a lot of health problems, and I'm scared that if I don't quit now, I'll be cosmically punished somehow...

Cancer doesn't run in my family, but that's no reason to tempt fate. So I'm quitting for my sister.

It's really hard to describe what being a twin is like... It's more than being sisters, even extremely close sisters. It's not a lie to say that at one point, we WERE the same person, sharing one body (albeit a microscopic one). To imagine losing her... well... it would be like half of me was dead. I would continue on, because she'd want it that way, but it would be like I was only half there.

It's making me cry just thinking about it... ;_;

I know it must be really weird for you, sadness aside. People never really know what to say in situations like these, myself included. But if you ever want to just talk about it, maybe my being a twin will help me understand better than other people. I'm willing to listen at least.. *hugs*