Frame me, and hang me on a wall

[gwyn]

I've actually finished both chapter 9 of Measure of a Man, and part 7 of Ciudad de Estrellas. I should feel accomplished, but instead I mostly want to cry. Because finishing is sort of like just starting to peel the corner of the Band-Aid off; it's the rewriting and editing to death that are the painful yanky ow parts and I have a lot of that ahead of me. Because? Both of them suck monumentally. It's just... harder than I thought. I really am not the same person I was when I began these, I don't even feel like I know that person anymore, and so the trajectory of both stories feels... unfathomable.

A while ago, after I'd posted a new chapter of Measure, I got this letter from someone who'd been enjoying the story but who thought that chapter stank and made no bones about telling me (not really constructive criticism, which might have been useful, but that it was different and bad and that basically I'd let him/her down). I can only think that after all these months of no updates, and this weak-ass shit thing I have on my computer now, boy is he/she going to be disappointed again! Because even I know that this is of the suckage. It's almost paralyzing, knowing yourself that you are doing unsatisfactory work before you even start. I wonder why they don't have "I suck" as a mood. Maybe I need an I Suck icon. ;-)

But, back to work. Though all this suckage gives me a chance to use my new Al icon. I think his question from the first ep of second season Deadwood may be the greatest existential question of all time.

Comments

[nandibble.livejournal.com]

You write sublimely well. When may we mere mortals hope to see the much revered and hoped-for Chapter 9 of "Measure of a Man?" I wait patiently and with good cheer.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I hope that it will be soon -- maybe a couple of weeks. But between my slowassedness and my poor beta is going through some serious trauma in her life, so I'm not sure. I was hoping to work on stuff starting today, get to those rewrites, but then it got freakishly busy at work... it's always somethin'!! As I'm sure you very well know!

[smithereen.livejournal.com]

It's almost paralyzing, knowing yourself that you are unsatisfactory before you even start.

It's absolutely paralyzing. If you let it be. I personally let it paralyze me more than I like to admit. But I also firmly believe that 95% of all writers live at "I suck." (The other 5% are unreasonably cocky and we hates them. Heh.) I really admire the fact that you're not letting that feeling, or that one reader, stop you from writing. That you're at almost paralyzing, not actually paralyzed, because sometimes I don't quite get past it, and I know there are a LOT of us who get bogged down in it besides just me.

P.S. You don't suck. I know these things. I'm very smart. :)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

First off, I love your icon -- that's exactly how I feel: a little scared with the big anime eyes, a little tough and ready to keep going with the fight, a little tremulous...

I think you're right -- I was just telling someone who's new to writing that pretty much all of us think we suck all the time, and usually it's the ones who don't think they suck that you have to watch out for. There was that study that found most people who were confident in their superiority had no idea they were in fact incompetent, and the people who were competent and talented always rated themselves as incompetent and untalented...

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

For the one bad apple who doesn't know how to give constructive feedback, you have dozens of fans. Take the Al route and cut that person right out of your life and thoughts. I'd like to go on a rant about how pathetic that email had to have been, that someone relying on an author's hard work for their entertainment and then blaming them for being "let down" has some issues with taking some fucking responsibility for their own happiness, but that would be a waste of my wrist/hand energy.

Instead I'll tell you that I hope like hell you'll keep finding a way to tap some of that amazing well of strength you have, and do what you can with the chapters. I'm keeping all fingers crossed that you'll let me beta the F&F one.

I'm serious about the strength and perseverence, too. You may feel like your well is at a trickle, but you're holding on. Not everyone can say the same. I'm in awe of you, and grateful to you for a great many things, and proud that I get to have a friendship with you.

Wonderful fucking icon, too.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Of course you will beta the next part, don't be seeely!

I think people get used to you doing one thing, and they aren't usually up to change. The chapter in question was really different from the others, but a) I wanted it to be, because the story was moving into a different place, and b) I wrote it when I was down taking care of my sister, and so it reflected a lot of what I was going through in terms of changing my thought processes. People don't know and don't care, though -- and they let you know it, sometimes.

I guess that's one reason why I have so much trouble with how so many fan writers will stay in one universe, keep milking ideas and stories, instead of trying a new one. I like changes, and I like to move on to the next thing, or stop if there is no new next thing. People may *want* you to keep doing that same old, but... I never can. I just don't enjoy it.

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

I hear ya about unchanging fandoms. I think that's part of why I don't even read Buffy fic anymore. Measure of a Man would probably interest me and hold my attention, knowing how much I've enjoyed everything else you've written, but it's not high on my list to catch up on this summer. Maybe once my job ends. :)

But recently I was reading something and shaking my head over a metaphor that's commonly used in the fandom. Commonly used by the author, too, for that matter. It's gotten to be lame now, not sexy. *Sigh* That's not to say that the fic wasn't good...just that I think the author (most authors in general, too) needs to shake things up a little.

Gosh, what a pretty icon.

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Though I'm more of a fannish butterfly than I used to be in my Sentinel-only days, I'm still not up on most of the fandoms my friends write (you included) -- but even so I can say with certainty that what you write does *not* suck, that that fan who emailed you is a whiner, and that a first draft is perfect merely by existing!

Also, and on an unrelated note, am thinking of you and your loss, and wishing you well.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you -- and you know it's funny, but I was just thinking the other day how many people on my flist that I really treasure with whom I've never shared a fandom. I'm kind of fascinated by that! But my periphery of people introduce me to other people, and my circle just keeps getting wider, which I love.

[superplin.livejournal.com]

Your writing is so exquisite--not a single chapter of MoaM, or any of your other stories, has ever been even the tiniest bit disappointing. Your craft shines through in every word. Clearly anyone who makes accusations is used to McFic and doesn't know how to appreciate real wordsmanship.

I think about you often, and hope you are getting through each day okay.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you, hon -- and yes, still just muddling along. Still no up days yet, but maybe someday... I feel so awful for abandoning you all at the Ford. If I can ever get rid of my ennui and depression, that's the first thing I will tackle.

[http://users.livejournal.com/mad_brilliant_/]

What does it say about me that I actually have an "I suck" icon? :-P But, I'm afraid you can't use it because you don't suck, and neither does your fic.

I'm eagerly awaiting your next update. :)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Bwaaaaah! I love it! I hope the next update will be worth waiting for... it doesn't feel like it now, but I have a bit of work ahead of me, that's for sure.

[makd.livejournal.com]

focus on the positive comments; the negative are in the minority.

Measure of a Man is a good fic. However, if you're feeling forced --- finish it quickly (Like in 1-2 chapters instead of 4-5), or it'll become like an albatross around your neck. that way, you can move on to other projects that still engage you.