Time square

[gwyn]

I saw this in a couple people's journals, but decided to try it out after true_enough posted hers. It's definitely amusingly on target for me, especially the part of people telling me I'm hard to read, something I get sick of hearing.

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

I'm really stumped about what vid to make for Escapade this year. I'm still not sure I am even going to the con, but I feel like I should at least make a vid, since I've been involved in or made on my own a vid now for 12 years running. I just can't decide between the Professionals, Band of Brothers, or Brotherhood of the Wolf... I think Horatio Hornblower is out of the running, at least right now, because I need to really acquaint myself with the source better, and I don't necessarily want to repeat Keen Eddie again there, although it's a good vid concept. I've been capturing clips for a remaster of There's No Way Out of Here, even though I don't really know why. I don't see the point in remaking it; not enough people care and it's a ponderous old thing, but it gives me something to do in between the rare times I get to work on the Deadwood vid with feochadn. Basically, these days, I feel funny when I'm not vidding, even though my RSI hurts so bad it takes my breath away and my ass is usually numb from sitting in the office chair all day.

****

I am at heart a mean person, and I really want to say to people lately, when I post a new fic to breathtaking silence and then a bunch of people tell me they might read it later because they are saving it or some such, "hey, you know, how 'bout I just don't write the next one, and say I'm saving it for a special occasion." Because... I am mean.

****

Last week was the six-month "anniversary." My sister's friend called me that night and we played catch-up, but didn't really talk too much about it. It's not something you can explain to people who haven't been there -- you mark dates kind of emotionally. You don't even really think about it, or want to deliberately acknowledge it, but it's just something you wake up aware of. "Oh, today is the day when..." It's just always in the back of your mind. And I know everyone thinks, six months, get over it by now you big dumb cow. People think it's just about loss or grief and that time will heal you. But when there's guilt and things you didn't do/say, when there's the indelible picture of their last terrified, painful breath, you don't really get over it. You obsess about the time you can't change. Time becomes this strange enemy friend... it goes faster than ever for you, letting you move past the event, but slower than ever, so that you can't sleep, eat, breathe without thinking of all the wrong things. Everything is date-stamped.

Someone talked about healing at one of my groups a while ago. About his therapy and how he was learning to heal old wounds. I told him that every time that word comes up, I have no idea what it means. So people give you these explanations of healing that are vague and come from dictionaries. About a picture of yourself where you are happy and perky and forgiving, I guess. And I had to ask him, "yes, but what does it *look* like? Because I have no idea what it could possibly look like." People never answer this question.

*****

I'm fascinated by how many people are getting into Due South lately. Especially the fact that so many folks are really young -- the characters aren't exactly spring chickens, not the usual young twentysomething studly guys I see people fall for. Selfishly I like it because it means icons and art and vids and fic. But it still surprises me. (And I think I should check with sherrold to find out if our vid Stranded is even up online, because I have no idea!) I'm especially glad that Vecchio is getting some love and respect, because for a long time, he hasn't, and it's nice to see. I like Ray V because he's me. Whiny, selfish, sarcastic, loyal, bitter, strong, petty, great sense of humor, hostile, loving... I feel like he's my other half.

ETA: It is! Stranded, a Due South vid that Sandy and I made for the first Vividcon, is online here at her site, in a zipped file. It's a very quiet, introspective vid (there's that word again) that we made before there were DVDs available.

Comments

[umbo.livejournal.com]

Anyone who thinks you should be over your sister's death in six months is a stupid cow.

*hugs*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

True. Definitely true. But also, I know a lot of people who just... have very privileged lives, have never had anything truly bad happen to them, and they think you're just being deliberately depressing. They don't like unhappy people. And until it happens to them... then they're going to be stupid cows.

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

Last week was the six-month "anniversary." My sister's friend called me that night and we played catch-up, but didn't really talk too much about it. It's not something you can explain to people who haven't been there -- you mark dates kind of emotionally. You don't even really think about it, or want to deliberately acknowledge it, but it's just something you wake up aware of. "Oh, today is the day when..." It's just always in the back of your mind. And I know everyone thinks, six months, get over it by now you big dumb cow. People think it's just about loss or grief and that time will heal you. But when there's guilt and things you didn't do/say, when there's the indelible picture of their last terrified, painful breath, you don't really get over it. You obsess about the time you can't change. Time becomes this strange enemy friend... it goes faster than ever for you, letting you move past the event, but slower than ever, so that you can't sleep, eat, breathe without thinking of all the wrong things. Everything is date-stamped.

I'm at 15 months & some days (I stopped counting the days early this year) & am not yet "over it." I'm not expecting to be, in the sense of "getting back to normal" (like I was ever at normal anyway *g*). You don't go back, you go forward, & you become someone else, & it might be someone the people who want you to get over it aren't going to like, because your priorities change. Why shouldn't they? You've changed.

I write this down occasionally: Grief is a mirror that lies. It shows you all the perfectly normal things you did, every bad moment, every time you yelled instead of being patient, every time you wished she was gone so you could be alone for a few minutes, everything, & instead of showing you a person living a normal life, it shows you a monster. I console myself with knowing if I had been kinder to Pat, she would have felt bad, because she always thought she wasn't nice enough to me.

And I'm in the process of answering your email, but I'm slow. *g*

[lolabobs.livejournal.com]

Hi - I stumbled across this entry via flists of flists (i'm avoiding deadlines!) and I had to answer both the post, and your comment.
I'm in the 7th year and still have moments and guilt and anger - your 'passage' above just struck me as so true I had to say something. Though I don't actually know what.
I will be keeping it with me now though and so guess I'll say Thank You.

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

Thank you for telling me that! I've sort of made it my mission in life to be the unofficial ambassador/translator between Those of Us Who Know and Those of Them Who Don't. My big message to Those of Them Who Don't is, don't worry about *reminding us,* because believe me, we haven't forgotten. (It's my big message because it's something I worried about when I was on the other side of the divide, & I know see how little sense it makes.)

I'm quite seriously compiling a list of advice for people who have never lost a loved one, & if you have anything you'd like to add to it, please, I'd be happy to have it.

[lolabobs.livejournal.com]

Hi - Sorry for the huge delay in answering this - things have been.. not good. anyway.
I've thought about things for your list (which if you do ever publicly compile/post I would like to see) - i don't have anything shattering to add - just things like : Don't ask how I am if you aren't interested in the reply
Don't respond to my tears by making eye contact with other people as if to say things like "ah.. she's letting it out" or "Look, I'm helping her grieve"
Don't expect me to be rational - I know people move on, I know people can find new love after loss - don't expect me to believe it when it is personal.
Don't make everything about the loss - I am still me.

Nothing earth shattering there, but things that have caused me pain
lola

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

That's just really really beautiful and really really true. You made me cry. (Not that that's not hard to do lately, but still... not many people's words make me get that weepy.)

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad I could write something that resonated with you.

[batdina.livejournal.com]

I'm with shellmidwife on this one. Also, I read your latest piece of the FatF story. I'm the one who's a cow for not letting you know.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

No, no cows. I've just been frustrated because each successive part of the WIP, and some other fic, is often met with near-total silence (not that unusual for me, really), but with the added irritation of having quite a lot of people telling me they will read it at some point, either because they're "saving" it for after reading something in a better fandom, or worse, to "savor". Which is why I feel like saying "okay, I just won't write the next fic, I'll save it for later. And when I do write it on that special occasion? I just won't tell you." See? Mean.

[true-enough.livejournal.com]

I'm building a garish Empire with zebra363. Come join us. We like the way you think.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Who better to rule the world with?

[aukestrel.livejournal.com]

I'm with shell on this one, right down the line. There is no timetable for grief, or for "healing," whatever that really means. A friend of mine told me once to imagine myself as a child and to hold the child and cuddle it and give it cookies. That helped a little, but then I started worrying that I didn't have fresh-baked cookies and that the milk might be going bad.

Keegan would have been a year old this coming Sunday. I only knew him for 8 months and I still miss him fiercely.

So, no, there is no timetable for grief, and no one can prescribe one for you.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I think the thing that's worse - and you may have gotten this too -- is that so many people think because they lost someone, or they know someone who's lost someone, that they have "expertise" in this matter, and if X happened to them, then it should happen to you, too. Nevermind that you are in Y or even W, by god, they *know* and keep telling you how it goes. I'm like, yeah, I know how it goes, dumbass, I've been there already. This isn't that.

[lolabobs.livejournal.com]

Hi _ sorry to butt in unannounced - I've found you via friends friends, so I hope you don't think I'm being rude. - I had to comment though.. I'm not actually sure what I want to say - i don't want to 'tell' you something, or presume to advise. I just wanted to agree with the other people that no one could expect you to be 'over' the loss of anyone in a mere 6 months. That I don't know how I'd define 'over' and don't really think we should be expected to be over something that shatters who we are and changes things forever.
I lost someone 7 years ago, and I still note the days new treatments started or that we had a good day in the hospital eating jelly or, well you know. It doesn't always make me sad, but I always remember.
Noone can tell you what 'Healing' will be for you, and no one should tell you how to behave/react.
I hope this hasn't annoyed or upset you, I just needed to add a voice of support.
Lola x

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

No, please don't apologize -- it's a public post, so public comments are fine! I think I've flocked a grand total of three posts in the entire time I've been here... I guess because I know a lot of my friends in RL don't have LJs and this is how they keep up with me.

I think there are so many levels of loss and grief, and the idea that a lot of people have is that it fits a pattern -- that it is easily identifiable as Grief of Loss. But the problem is, there are hundreds of types -- there's Grief type C or Loss type F or whatever... and so you can't just apply advice. I'm an especially unusual type in that I'm a twin... do generic expectations aren't going to work. But it's not something you can say to people when they don't understand, but mean well.

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

I thought of calling you on the anniversary, but I was out of state and wasn't sure it would be a good idea anyway. Things seem up in the air right now and I can't make a decision about anything. The only productive thing I've been doing lately is writing a new dS fic as follow-up to my last one (and as a response to a challenge I signed up for). But today, since I never got a call back saying I could work today, I'm going to work on that project for you.

This due South reflux really is interesting, especially since now people I actually know are getting into it for the first time. Too bad once school starts I'll have to quit all the communities.

Neat meme, too.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I'm happy about the DS love, but also bewildered. If I could have picked a fandom for resurgence, it so wouldn't have been this one! Or Wiseguy for that matter.

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen anybody get into Wiseguy, but I probably have the wrong people friended. David M's in that, too, isn't he?

I just saw a post of pics of him from Civil Wars. *purrrrrs*

Don't let me forget (again) to watch the pilot with you!

[maubast.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to give you a hug and tell you that some of us never get 'over it'.

And that's okay.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it is. And I'm a lameass -- i have your disc made, but I can't seem to get it from the desk to an envelope and then to the mail. I just really suck lately.

[maubast.livejournal.com]

Trust me, you don't suck. And there's no rush, you know?

*hugs*

[fishsanwitt]

There is no time limit on bereavement.

It will be six years for me since my mother died and sometimes I want to howl with grief, even now.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

The phrase "panic room" has come to mean something totally different to me lately. ;-) That's where I go to have panic attacks, sob, and wail so the neighbors can't hear me.

[fishsanwitt]

I put on music that I love, *really* loud and then just have at it. I'm also afraid that the neighbours will hear me.

[killabeez.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs you tight}}}

Well, I think healing, in my mind, happens when you stop remembering only the bad stuff and you find that you start remembering the good stuff. In my limited experience, it takes a lot of time, though. And I wouldn't be surprised to find out that it's different for everyone. Anniversaries are always the times when you remember most, and that doesn't really change, I don't think. My little brother died when I was 7 years old, and I still am always aware of when his birthday or the anniversary of his death is coming up. I still call my mom on those days. We don't talk about it at all, like you said, but she knows why I'm calling, I'm absolutely sure of that.

Those brain pattern things are eerily accurate, aren't they? Yours does sound very much like how I think of you. I got the one that says, "Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading." Er, so I've been told.

I'm not getting into due South, but I love Stranded. :-) Thank you for the link, even though I've seen it many times.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry about your brother; I never knew that. It is strange, how we mark time without even knowing it. Every Wed night I get agitated and angry and sad, and it always takes me a little bit to remember that oh yeah, it's Wed night near ten. It's that time again. I keep looking for the day when it's not every Wed, but just that first one of the month, and then maybe someday not even that one...

I weirdly like that brain pattern thing... I went immediately to the sparkly. I think you are definitely a persuader, even if it's a subtle persuasion.

[incredulity.livejournal.com]

I think that the only people who think you should be over it in six months have probably never lost a loved one. I think that whole first year is excrutiating. It gets...not better, but maybe less present? It gradually gets easier to remember all of the good times without falling apart, and the bad times, and not feel overwhelmingly guilty. Although there will always be days when the pain is almost unbearable, because this was someone you loved.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I was telling someone above that even though people mean well, I think we have this idea that there is just Grief or Loss, and that we don't seem to fully understand that there are hundreds of types of grief and loss. Like, because this is my twin, it's not like when it was my mom, so it's like... Loss type T or something... and that the elements surrounding it are different for everyone, too (timing, pain or suffering levels, things done/undone, and so on), so that influences the types even further. I wish we had scales so that you could just say, "Well, sorry, I'm in Grief type D and I'm not going to be better for a really long time."

Of course, I always think the world would work better if it just did what I said.