Bad day at Black Rock

[gwyn]

I have had the weepiest, worst week. I know part of it is the drawing closer to our birthday thing. But it seems like over and over, little things pound on me. For some reason, yesterday was the weepiest day, and I just couldn't shake the feeling, maybe because I was going to see the therapist. Stuff that normally would just piss me off left me in tears. And I spent most of the appointment crying, which I never do.

We talked about my plans to run away for my birthday, to Vancouver. But she also brought up how I could integrate my sister into the birthday, since it will be the most significant one I ever have, and the most difficult. She came up with a good suggestion that I will try. And my sister loved to go to Vancouver when we could, so shopping at her favorite stores will make me both sad but also bring her back to me.

A few weeks ago I joined Twinless Twins, a "support group" for multiple-birth people who've lost one of their sibs. It took forever to hear back from them, and in the meantime I signed up for the Yahoo groups list. I didn't hear anything back for ages, till I got emails from two of the coordinators because one had lost her twin to ovarian cancer, and another had lost her twin the same day I lost mine, about six years prior, so they wanted to let me know. But they sent the email list mail to a box I never use, and only found by accident (I really don't understand why they sent it to that address, one Yahoo forced on me but that I don't have checked as a primary address). And they rejected my membership in the group. It sounds like the delay in processing for the national group meant that they just rejected my list membership because you need to be in good standing. Normally I would just get pissed, and try to rejoin the list now that I seem to be in the database. Instead I just sent a note saying that was a really awful way to kick people when they're grieving (you have to tell them all kinds of info to join, including who you lost, when, and why you want to join) and that my membership had been processed since before this rejection mail was sent (it actually says rejected, btw -- not even a nice euphemism to soften the blow). There don't seem to be chapter meetings or anything locally. So, I don't know what good this will do, if all I get is a newsletter every few months. It stung, even though it's just stupid bureaucracy practiced by dorky volunteers. Just not what I needed. It reminded me of how awful I felt earlier this year when that egregious "teh music" community bumped me for "not participating" shortly after Sis_r died.

One thing I did see in the newsletter that I mentioned to my therapist was a letter from an 85-year-old-woman who had lost her twin last year. She seemed to be doing really badly. They had lived together for the past 40 years, and she had never lived alone in her life. Fortunately her whole address was in there, so I mentioned that she kind of reminded me of my mom, age-wise, and of me, because I always envisioned my sister and I would live together when we got older and be the old spinster twins down at the end of the block. I kind of thought maybe I should write to her, she just seemed so sad, even sadder than me. Almost all the letters were from people who just are floundering as bad as I am, sometimes even years and years after their twin's death. My therapist thought it would actually be a great idea to write to her, so I did. I don't know if, as an 85-year-old, she will freak out at a letter from someone she doesn't know all the way across the country, but... it seemed like something to do.

The only thing good about this stupid group is that the newsletter reminded me that I'm not as insane as everyone is making me feel. That all the ::poke:: take antidepressants ::poke:: antidepressants people can be ignored. That honestly, people just don't get it, and they never will, and that the way I feel is "normal" to *us*. Not that that will help me in the long run, but at least I have validation.

The newbie copyeditors at work are mean bitches. It would be easy to just chalk it up to NYC life, that you have to be a bitch to live there, but I know people who live there who aren't. Hell, one of the other copyeditors does, and she is the sweetest person around. Yesterday morning one of them screamed at me in all caps about a couple of small proofreading things she hates. Normally I would IM one of the other old copyeditors, and bitch about how mean the newbies are, but yesterday all it did was make me cry. Just call me Weepy. Then I scraped my bumper over a parking-lot spacer that was just way too high, at a store I hate going to anyway, and really did some nasty damage to it. The car isn't even six months old. I nearly lost it in the parking lot. People kept asking for a usage post on who/whom and then when I did it, it just seemed to annoy people (it is annoying, which is why I've avoided writing about it). I think bears and possums and such have the right idea. When it gets cold, eat up and then crawl into a cave, and don't come out till spring. I wish Keith Mars was my dad. I think life would be a lot better if I had him for a dad.

And now I have sniffled enough. Luna Park Cafe tonight, at least something to look forward to. Shall I have the omelet, or the French dip sandwich? Decisions, decisions.

Comments

[maygra.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you are having such a bad week and feel so isolated. And I'm sory the support group turned out to be nimrods, apparently. I'm more sorry than I can say that she's gone.

Not that it matters but I like the Vancouver idea, to remember stuff even if it makes you sad. there are still places and things like that for my mom that I avoided for awhile but now, every time I go I think of her and thinking of her is never really a bad thing as far as I'm concerned.

[magarettt.livejournal.com]

The "rejected" thing sounds terrible. I hope you find a group to talk to that isn't so rude.

You're in my thoughts. Take care of yourself in VC.

*hug*

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

I'm not a doctor, & my experience with therapy has been really mixed, but this actually happened to Pat & I watched it happen, so I might be a little more...objective. When her mother died, she was on Prozac, & she seemed just fine. Her grief actually seemed very mild. But months later she started having horrible nightmares, couldn't sleep at all without waking up from a dream that upset the hell out of her.

So, we come to find out that this is one of the things certain anti-depressants can do: they can suppress natural grief, which doesn't get rid of it, it just makes it come out other ways. When she got off the Prozac, she just fell apart, & it was much harder for her because so much time had passed. It was as thought the pain had stayed inside, festering, because it's not depression & it's not unnatural, it's just awful.

The whole being rejected thing just...it astonishes me. I don't know why it does; I should be used to people acting like assholes by now, but still....

When I get to NY, I promise not to become any more of a bitch than I already am. *g*

[fishsanwitt]

I can't believe that group! What a bunch of assholes. I hope you write to that 85-year old lady. I'm optimistic here.

And you are not alone - sometimes I can't help myself - I cry because I miss my mother *so* much and it's been a little over six years now.

Sometimes, it doesn't seem real.

::hugs::

[minim_calibre]

Have the omelet. Today is cold and windy, and an omelet sounds like warm comfort food. The French dip has too hard of an edge. (Although, if you don't find yourself choosing foods based on irrational texture associations, the French dip is probably also lovely.)

I'm sorry you had so many little things hitting at once when you're already in a raw place.

(People were irritated by who/whom? Silly people. I thought it was lovely. I just had no hands yesterday to tell you so.)

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of you. There's no "right" way or length of time to grieve, and anyone who says otherwise is an idiot.

Piece of advice on Vancouver - the border patrol guards are generally curt and rude these days, so don't be surprised when it happens to you. I thought they weren't going to let me enter Canada when I went.

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

My therapist thought it would actually be a great idea to write to her, so I did.

I think that's awesome. I hope you two can help each other, even if it's just by having someone to lean on.

That honestly, people just don't get it, and they never will, and that the way I feel is "normal" to *us*.

I thought that's what a lot of people have been trying to tell you in comments here, so I'm sorry it wasn't coming through. I'm really glad you came to that on your own.

I wish I could do the Vancouver thing with you, since we keep talking about it. I hope it goes well, in some sense.

[barkley.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of you.

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

I know I can only imagine how this is for you, but wanted to let you know that I hear what you're saying and I continue to grieve for and with you, in the distant way that someone who never knew your sister can.

[reginaspina.livejournal.com]

I’m so, so sorry to hear about how awful your week has been – I mean, I’m sure it’s never good, but it sounds like an exceptionally bad one (and anniversaries of anything are always the worst!) But I think it was very lovely that you wrote to that old lady – I hope it helps both of you a little bit!

[singer-d.livejournal.com]

People kept asking for a usage post on who/whom and then when I did it, it just seemed to annoy people.
I hope you didn't interpret my comment that way - I wasn't annoyed, I just still have trouble with who/whom even after your post. I love your usage posts.

Grief is a very individual thing and the first year is terribly difficult. It seems that we're all expected to "just get over it" and bounce back like nothing happened. It took about 18 months after I lost a loved one to cancer before I stopped thinking about him all day every day, and dreaming about him almost every night.

[chrisjournal.livejournal.com]

I wish I had the right words to say, but I don't. Gentle hugs, instead, I think. Someone wished this for me recently, and I'll pass the wish on to you: I hope that, someday, the pain will fade and the good memories linger.

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

Might I suggest a hot date with Mr Jack Daniels and/or Mr. Remy Martin? I strongly advise against a long term, committed relationship with either, but damn, sometimes you don't need Mr Right, but rather, Mr Right now.

(As an aside, I woke up this morning missing my mom so bad it was a physical ache. For me, it's not Mother's day, but Thanksgiving that really gets me. T-Day was always a big, festive fun family day in our house.)

Sorry to hear that your attempt to find a support group ended up so shittily, and yes, their way of handling membership screening definitely needs some polishing and you're damn right to be miffed with them.

About the car -- Oy!

I don't know exactly what to say about your pending trip to Vancouver. "Have fun" isn't it, and neither is "have a good cry". "I hope it helps" is so damn practical sounding, yet, that's all I can think to say. I hope it gives you something to cling to.

Vancouver's such a beautiful city, isn't it? (Tell me, on the ferry ride over, did the two of you enjoy sitting out on the deck of the ship, watching the way the colors in the water change? Or were you in the passenger area, reading books and people watching?)

[varina8.livejournal.com]

Sorry you've had such a tough week. I actually bookmarked the who/whom entry because I still trip on that one occasionally.

I like the idea of going to Vancouver and of writing the 85-year-old. As far as everyone else's list of "shoulds," grief is personal. We resolve things in our own time and our own ways.

[aukestrel.livejournal.com]

I thought the who/whom post was awesome, so there.

{{{justhugs}}} and the Van thing does sound like a good idea. You have happy memories there and going there will bring them back to you and bring her back to you.

One of the things someone sent me after Keegan died that I loved was this:

I really believe that there is no difference between the arms of angels and the persistence of memory.

I love that: the persistence of memory.

{{{morehugs}}}

[leela-cat.livejournal.com]

I don't pretend to understand how hard it must be for you. I know how hard it has been for me to lose my mother, and it must be exponentially harder for you to have lost your sister.

So, no advice or suggestions. Just all a great deal of caring, love, and friendship.

Please, feel free to cry or rant or whatever on my shoulder whenever you need to do so.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you've been having such a crappy week--that stuff about the support group was ridiculous.

I thought your who/whom post rocked, and put it in my memories along with your other usage posts.

I'm really sorry if my mentioning depression in an earlier post was insensitive, because that's certainly not at all what I intended. I can't possibly understand what you're going through, never having had a twin, much less lost one, but when I see someone I care about in horrible pain I want to do something about it, to try to fix it and help, and sometimes that can come off the wrong way.

*hugs*

[hobbituk.livejournal.com]

If there is a bright side, it is that a group who handles grieving people the way they treated you will probably not be worth joining. I *spit* on this silly group for you.

I think that suppressing grief is unhealthy in the long run (yeah, I know, weird coming from a "stiff upper lip" Brit) and you need to deal with it in the best way for you. If that means you have weepy weeks, well so be it - better out than in.

I'm not particularly close to my sibling, hobbitbro, so I can't begin to understand how you are feeling, having lost your twin. But I can empathise with loss and grief, and I am sending you my very best wishes. And very un-British {{hugs}}.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thanks. All days are bad, but some just get worse than others.

[mackiemesser.livejournal.com]

Personally, I think the anti-depressant people can go ::poke:: themselves. My grandfather died twenty-five years ago and it still makes me sad. You take the time that's right for YOU, not for them.

The trip to Vancouver sounds like a very good idea.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

The people who initially contacted me seemed nice. I think they are the same people who probably run the email list. But they clearly don't get that if someone joins both at the same time, that overlap of time, and the way the phrase it, doesn't make them look very good, considering how much money it costs.

Re: *hug*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear someone else say that. I know a lot of people for whom meds are great, but I also know a lot of people who have had disastrous results, and I already take meds for a problem and really don't need to add to my worries, wondering if there will be hazardous interactions, or I'll end up in seizures like one friend, or hospitalized with cluster headaches like another. I live alone, and that's not something I need -- to pass out and not have anyone here to help me.

And even though my therapist says it won't interrupt the grief, just make it easier to deal with the mean bitches at work, I don't believe that. What you're talking about is exactly what I'm afraid of, and that's not something I want to add.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I think they are mostly nice people but... really not good at understanding what they've set up. When you try to join the email list, it tells you you have to first join the organization. It's only after you've forked over money to join that you are told you have to be a member in good standing, and if the waiting period for them to put you in the database exceeds the time for joining the email list... this is what you get. They obviously haven't thought it through, and clearly I'm dealing with people for whom computer lists and mailing things are not understood. I think they are very low tech. And that's just not a good thing when you're dealing with fragile people.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it seemed to irritate some folks, that it is so hard to understand. Hell, I don't understand it when it comes to complex sentences and restrictive clauses. But I hadn't done a usage post in a long time, sooo... oh well. Just one of the worse days, and they come and go.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I've been meaning to write to you to see if you might want to meet for lunch or brunch sometime. I should get out more, so that I can try to put things like this in perspective a bit, I think.

The sad thing I noticed last time I was up was that the Canadian guards are now almost as rude as the Americans, who've always been hideous. Which... cognitive dissonance because dude, Canadians are polite! Though I will say we got one nice one recently, and he was a stone cold fox. Drop dead gorgeous. I wonder if he still works there...