Bad day at Black Rock

[gwyn]

I have had the weepiest, worst week. I know part of it is the drawing closer to our birthday thing. But it seems like over and over, little things pound on me. For some reason, yesterday was the weepiest day, and I just couldn't shake the feeling, maybe because I was going to see the therapist. Stuff that normally would just piss me off left me in tears. And I spent most of the appointment crying, which I never do.

We talked about my plans to run away for my birthday, to Vancouver. But she also brought up how I could integrate my sister into the birthday, since it will be the most significant one I ever have, and the most difficult. She came up with a good suggestion that I will try. And my sister loved to go to Vancouver when we could, so shopping at her favorite stores will make me both sad but also bring her back to me.

A few weeks ago I joined Twinless Twins, a "support group" for multiple-birth people who've lost one of their sibs. It took forever to hear back from them, and in the meantime I signed up for the Yahoo groups list. I didn't hear anything back for ages, till I got emails from two of the coordinators because one had lost her twin to ovarian cancer, and another had lost her twin the same day I lost mine, about six years prior, so they wanted to let me know. But they sent the email list mail to a box I never use, and only found by accident (I really don't understand why they sent it to that address, one Yahoo forced on me but that I don't have checked as a primary address). And they rejected my membership in the group. It sounds like the delay in processing for the national group meant that they just rejected my list membership because you need to be in good standing. Normally I would just get pissed, and try to rejoin the list now that I seem to be in the database. Instead I just sent a note saying that was a really awful way to kick people when they're grieving (you have to tell them all kinds of info to join, including who you lost, when, and why you want to join) and that my membership had been processed since before this rejection mail was sent (it actually says rejected, btw -- not even a nice euphemism to soften the blow). There don't seem to be chapter meetings or anything locally. So, I don't know what good this will do, if all I get is a newsletter every few months. It stung, even though it's just stupid bureaucracy practiced by dorky volunteers. Just not what I needed. It reminded me of how awful I felt earlier this year when that egregious "teh music" community bumped me for "not participating" shortly after Sis_r died.

One thing I did see in the newsletter that I mentioned to my therapist was a letter from an 85-year-old-woman who had lost her twin last year. She seemed to be doing really badly. They had lived together for the past 40 years, and she had never lived alone in her life. Fortunately her whole address was in there, so I mentioned that she kind of reminded me of my mom, age-wise, and of me, because I always envisioned my sister and I would live together when we got older and be the old spinster twins down at the end of the block. I kind of thought maybe I should write to her, she just seemed so sad, even sadder than me. Almost all the letters were from people who just are floundering as bad as I am, sometimes even years and years after their twin's death. My therapist thought it would actually be a great idea to write to her, so I did. I don't know if, as an 85-year-old, she will freak out at a letter from someone she doesn't know all the way across the country, but... it seemed like something to do.

The only thing good about this stupid group is that the newsletter reminded me that I'm not as insane as everyone is making me feel. That all the ::poke:: take antidepressants ::poke:: antidepressants people can be ignored. That honestly, people just don't get it, and they never will, and that the way I feel is "normal" to *us*. Not that that will help me in the long run, but at least I have validation.

The newbie copyeditors at work are mean bitches. It would be easy to just chalk it up to NYC life, that you have to be a bitch to live there, but I know people who live there who aren't. Hell, one of the other copyeditors does, and she is the sweetest person around. Yesterday morning one of them screamed at me in all caps about a couple of small proofreading things she hates. Normally I would IM one of the other old copyeditors, and bitch about how mean the newbies are, but yesterday all it did was make me cry. Just call me Weepy. Then I scraped my bumper over a parking-lot spacer that was just way too high, at a store I hate going to anyway, and really did some nasty damage to it. The car isn't even six months old. I nearly lost it in the parking lot. People kept asking for a usage post on who/whom and then when I did it, it just seemed to annoy people (it is annoying, which is why I've avoided writing about it). I think bears and possums and such have the right idea. When it gets cold, eat up and then crawl into a cave, and don't come out till spring. I wish Keith Mars was my dad. I think life would be a lot better if I had him for a dad.

And now I have sniffled enough. Luna Park Cafe tonight, at least something to look forward to. Shall I have the omelet, or the French dip sandwich? Decisions, decisions.

Comments

[maygra.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you are having such a bad week and feel so isolated. And I'm sory the support group turned out to be nimrods, apparently. I'm more sorry than I can say that she's gone.

Not that it matters but I like the Vancouver idea, to remember stuff even if it makes you sad. there are still places and things like that for my mom that I avoided for awhile but now, every time I go I think of her and thinking of her is never really a bad thing as far as I'm concerned.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thanks. All days are bad, but some just get worse than others.

[magarettt.livejournal.com]

The "rejected" thing sounds terrible. I hope you find a group to talk to that isn't so rude.

You're in my thoughts. Take care of yourself in VC.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

The people who initially contacted me seemed nice. I think they are the same people who probably run the email list. But they clearly don't get that if someone joins both at the same time, that overlap of time, and the way the phrase it, doesn't make them look very good, considering how much money it costs.

*hug*

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

I'm not a doctor, & my experience with therapy has been really mixed, but this actually happened to Pat & I watched it happen, so I might be a little more...objective. When her mother died, she was on Prozac, & she seemed just fine. Her grief actually seemed very mild. But months later she started having horrible nightmares, couldn't sleep at all without waking up from a dream that upset the hell out of her.

So, we come to find out that this is one of the things certain anti-depressants can do: they can suppress natural grief, which doesn't get rid of it, it just makes it come out other ways. When she got off the Prozac, she just fell apart, & it was much harder for her because so much time had passed. It was as thought the pain had stayed inside, festering, because it's not depression & it's not unnatural, it's just awful.

The whole being rejected thing just...it astonishes me. I don't know why it does; I should be used to people acting like assholes by now, but still....

When I get to NY, I promise not to become any more of a bitch than I already am. *g*

Re: *hug*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear someone else say that. I know a lot of people for whom meds are great, but I also know a lot of people who have had disastrous results, and I already take meds for a problem and really don't need to add to my worries, wondering if there will be hazardous interactions, or I'll end up in seizures like one friend, or hospitalized with cluster headaches like another. I live alone, and that's not something I need -- to pass out and not have anyone here to help me.

And even though my therapist says it won't interrupt the grief, just make it easier to deal with the mean bitches at work, I don't believe that. What you're talking about is exactly what I'm afraid of, and that's not something I want to add.

[fishsanwitt]

I can't believe that group! What a bunch of assholes. I hope you write to that 85-year old lady. I'm optimistic here.

And you are not alone - sometimes I can't help myself - I cry because I miss my mother *so* much and it's been a little over six years now.

Sometimes, it doesn't seem real.

::hugs::

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I think they are mostly nice people but... really not good at understanding what they've set up. When you try to join the email list, it tells you you have to first join the organization. It's only after you've forked over money to join that you are told you have to be a member in good standing, and if the waiting period for them to put you in the database exceeds the time for joining the email list... this is what you get. They obviously haven't thought it through, and clearly I'm dealing with people for whom computer lists and mailing things are not understood. I think they are very low tech. And that's just not a good thing when you're dealing with fragile people.

[minim_calibre]

Have the omelet. Today is cold and windy, and an omelet sounds like warm comfort food. The French dip has too hard of an edge. (Although, if you don't find yourself choosing foods based on irrational texture associations, the French dip is probably also lovely.)

I'm sorry you had so many little things hitting at once when you're already in a raw place.

(People were irritated by who/whom? Silly people. I thought it was lovely. I just had no hands yesterday to tell you so.)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it seemed to irritate some folks, that it is so hard to understand. Hell, I don't understand it when it comes to complex sentences and restrictive clauses. But I hadn't done a usage post in a long time, sooo... oh well. Just one of the worse days, and they come and go.

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of you. There's no "right" way or length of time to grieve, and anyone who says otherwise is an idiot.

Piece of advice on Vancouver - the border patrol guards are generally curt and rude these days, so don't be surprised when it happens to you. I thought they weren't going to let me enter Canada when I went.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I've been meaning to write to you to see if you might want to meet for lunch or brunch sometime. I should get out more, so that I can try to put things like this in perspective a bit, I think.

The sad thing I noticed last time I was up was that the Canadian guards are now almost as rude as the Americans, who've always been hideous. Which... cognitive dissonance because dude, Canadians are polite! Though I will say we got one nice one recently, and he was a stone cold fox. Drop dead gorgeous. I wonder if he still works there...

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

My therapist thought it would actually be a great idea to write to her, so I did.

I think that's awesome. I hope you two can help each other, even if it's just by having someone to lean on.

That honestly, people just don't get it, and they never will, and that the way I feel is "normal" to *us*.

I thought that's what a lot of people have been trying to tell you in comments here, so I'm sorry it wasn't coming through. I'm really glad you came to that on your own.

I wish I could do the Vancouver thing with you, since we keep talking about it. I hope it goes well, in some sense.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

This won't be the last time I go to Vancouver, believe me. But it's on a weekday after the holiday, so...

[barkley.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of you.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

But hey, there is Don-ness tonight, and that alone makes life worth living.

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

I know I can only imagine how this is for you, but wanted to let you know that I hear what you're saying and I continue to grieve for and with you, in the distant way that someone who never knew your sister can.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I really appreciate it, more than you know.

[reginaspina.livejournal.com]

I’m so, so sorry to hear about how awful your week has been – I mean, I’m sure it’s never good, but it sounds like an exceptionally bad one (and anniversaries of anything are always the worst!) But I think it was very lovely that you wrote to that old lady – I hope it helps both of you a little bit!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

It's weird how much little things wear on me. I've always been a "you want me in a crisis" gal, but never the kind of person to be around when little things go bad, but I think I've reach epic proportions lately. I just hope that the lady I wrote to doesn't freak out.

[singer-d.livejournal.com]

People kept asking for a usage post on who/whom and then when I did it, it just seemed to annoy people.
I hope you didn't interpret my comment that way - I wasn't annoyed, I just still have trouble with who/whom even after your post. I love your usage posts.

Grief is a very individual thing and the first year is terribly difficult. It seems that we're all expected to "just get over it" and bounce back like nothing happened. It took about 18 months after I lost a loved one to cancer before I stopped thinking about him all day every day, and dreaming about him almost every night.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

No, I just was surprised that it seemed to annoy people when I finally did what they'd asked me to do. One person wrote to my gmail address and said, "Bzzzt! Thanks for playing." I didn't even know what that was supposed to mean other than annoyance.

I've heard people talk about dreaming about the loved one they lost. I wonder sometimes if that's why it's so hard. I never remember my dreams and I often have trouble sleeping so much that I don't get into dream sleep...but when I do remember something, she is never there. I wonder sometimes if I dreamed of her, if it would be easier.

[chrisjournal.livejournal.com]

I wish I had the right words to say, but I don't. Gentle hugs, instead, I think. Someone wished this for me recently, and I'll pass the wish on to you: I hope that, someday, the pain will fade and the good memories linger.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you -- that means a lot to me, since I know you've been going through a hell of a lot lately yourself.

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

Might I suggest a hot date with Mr Jack Daniels and/or Mr. Remy Martin? I strongly advise against a long term, committed relationship with either, but damn, sometimes you don't need Mr Right, but rather, Mr Right now.

(As an aside, I woke up this morning missing my mom so bad it was a physical ache. For me, it's not Mother's day, but Thanksgiving that really gets me. T-Day was always a big, festive fun family day in our house.)

Sorry to hear that your attempt to find a support group ended up so shittily, and yes, their way of handling membership screening definitely needs some polishing and you're damn right to be miffed with them.

About the car -- Oy!

I don't know exactly what to say about your pending trip to Vancouver. "Have fun" isn't it, and neither is "have a good cry". "I hope it helps" is so damn practical sounding, yet, that's all I can think to say. I hope it gives you something to cling to.

Vancouver's such a beautiful city, isn't it? (Tell me, on the ferry ride over, did the two of you enjoy sitting out on the deck of the ship, watching the way the colors in the water change? Or were you in the passenger area, reading books and people watching?)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, t-day is definitely The Holiday where I come from -- partly it's the proximity to the birthday, and partly because that was always the one we spent the most effort on.

I think you might be thinking of Victoria, if you're thinking of a ferry ride (or the Princess Margeurite, which is a big ferry thing that goes from Seattle to Victoria). I've never been much of a Victoria person (a lot of bad experiences there or on the damn boat), but I used to go to Vancouver a couple times a year, at least. Lately it's been more like every other year, but sometimes I'm lucky and I go a couple times in one year. I never get tired of it. Even bringing people up to just show them the filming sites for XF, HL, Sentinel, and SG... it's still fun no matter how many times I've seen those places.

[varina8.livejournal.com]

Sorry you've had such a tough week. I actually bookmarked the who/whom entry because I still trip on that one occasionally.

I like the idea of going to Vancouver and of writing the 85-year-old. As far as everyone else's list of "shoulds," grief is personal. We resolve things in our own time and our own ways.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

thank you!!!

[aukestrel.livejournal.com]

I thought the who/whom post was awesome, so there.

{{{justhugs}}} and the Van thing does sound like a good idea. You have happy memories there and going there will bring them back to you and bring her back to you.

One of the things someone sent me after Keegan died that I loved was this:

I really believe that there is no difference between the arms of angels and the persistence of memory.

I love that: the persistence of memory.

{{{morehugs}}}

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[leela-cat.livejournal.com]

I don't pretend to understand how hard it must be for you. I know how hard it has been for me to lose my mother, and it must be exponentially harder for you to have lost your sister.

So, no advice or suggestions. Just all a great deal of caring, love, and friendship.

Please, feel free to cry or rant or whatever on my shoulder whenever you need to do so.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

And I thank you for that. It's good to know there are always people in the world that you know, who are just there, even if you don't talk to them every day.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you've been having such a crappy week--that stuff about the support group was ridiculous.

I thought your who/whom post rocked, and put it in my memories along with your other usage posts.

I'm really sorry if my mentioning depression in an earlier post was insensitive, because that's certainly not at all what I intended. I can't possibly understand what you're going through, never having had a twin, much less lost one, but when I see someone I care about in horrible pain I want to do something about it, to try to fix it and help, and sometimes that can come off the wrong way.

*hugs*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

No, i wasn't insensitive. I just have a lot of issues with antidepressants, and that seems to be the one thing people feel like they can offer me because they don't know what else to say. And some people it's not so much offering as dictating -- there are a couple folks I know for whom they've been effective, but it just wears me out that they don't believe somene else may not like them. Honestly, I don't think there's anything that can be done. therapy, drugs... nothing is going to change it, and that's just that.

[hobbituk.livejournal.com]

If there is a bright side, it is that a group who handles grieving people the way they treated you will probably not be worth joining. I *spit* on this silly group for you.

I think that suppressing grief is unhealthy in the long run (yeah, I know, weird coming from a "stiff upper lip" Brit) and you need to deal with it in the best way for you. If that means you have weepy weeks, well so be it - better out than in.

I'm not particularly close to my sibling, hobbitbro, so I can't begin to understand how you are feeling, having lost your twin. But I can empathise with loss and grief, and I am sending you my very best wishes. And very un-British {{hugs}}.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I accept those un-British hugs... they're my kind of hugs! I'm from the no touchy no feely no cry family, so that stiff upper lip thing was how I was raised. I think that's my biggest source of conflict -- big emotions, but raised in a quasi-British family.

[mackiemesser.livejournal.com]

Personally, I think the anti-depressant people can go ::poke:: themselves. My grandfather died twenty-five years ago and it still makes me sad. You take the time that's right for YOU, not for them.

The trip to Vancouver sounds like a very good idea.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'd like to poke a few of them myself, with sharp pointy sticks! Some of my friends are very nice about it, but I've grown really tired of having it trotted out as an answer.

[ann1962]

Oh Gwyn!! I am so sorry they did that. That is unforgivable. I am in Atlanta so I can't respond at length or properly.

You are not insane! You are grieving. The difference is huge. WHat you are feeling is normal. Please don't think it isn't. Just because it is huge, and because most people don't/can't understand, and they are trying to fit what you are feeling into what they can understand, doesn't mean it is a reflection on you.

People don't want to deal with huge stuff like this. No one would. But that doesn't make it you necessarily need medication. People would like to make it that issue so they don't have to deal with the strength of your loss. The sadness is huge, the loss is huge. To make it any less just denigrates you and your sister. I am so sorry this happened. All of it.

You have helped me so I am sure this woman would appreciate the effort. And if not, it only proves how kind you are. I wish I could give you a big hug!! Please take care. And thank you for sharing. It really means a lot!!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

It's really weird, the people I've had individual contact with so far have been very nice, but they don't seem to understand how to handle the tech aspects of membership in the mailing list. And how awful it would be to see two mails with "membership rejected" in the subject heading. You've gotta wonder.

I do hope that this lady won't be put off by my letter. I've definitely learned from my dad living at a retirement center that there's no common way older people accept things, but many of them are from a time when people weren't as forward as my generation is, and I hope she won't be offended. It's so hard to say. Sometimes my dad's fellow retirees are really cool and fun, and others are very fussy and crabby. And she sounded so, so sad, that it's hard to predict. But I gave her my address and phone number, and said that if she was interested, I would love to correspond with her.

[destina.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* 'Cause I really don't know what to say, but I'm sending good thoughts and support anyway.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you! What a pretty icon -- what is that from?

[maubast.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking of you.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I appreciate it, I really do.

[wolffire.livejournal.com]

If you haven't been to Luna Park lately, be prepared for the change. New management, slightly updated look. The food has been good and bad and good again. I think they put more effort into the food for dinner, so that's good. Hope it is a good night and that I get to hear all about it tomorrow morning.

Hugs!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I had such a blast today at writing group. But I was heartsick to realize when we were talking about Luna Park that I had left my box of omelet and hash browns at the restaurant last night! Part of the whole reason I get the omelet sometimes is that I want to enjoy most of it the next day!

[lapillus]

I think both the VC trip and sending the letter both sound like wonderful ideas. And I have never, ever thought your response to your twin's loss was anything other than reasonable and normal, especially in this short of a time.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you. there are days I definitely do feel insane, but it'snot entirely out of grief. Certain images, especially, are hard to scrub from the brain.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I think they mean well, at least, the individuals I've had email contact with have been nice, but someone needs to work on that "application for email list membership" stipulation and fix it. People who join an organization like that should never be told that they were rejected especially over timing issues. They should find another way to handle it, if it's contingent upon becoming a member first and getting entered into a database.

I'm all for meds if they help, but this isn't just regular old depression, there's a lot more going on than just "wah, someone died". I mean, yah, I AM depressed. Not big revelation there! But it's because of a million different things, like that I can't shake the images of someone freaking dying in my arms again, I can't get rid of the images of her suffering or the sound of her sobbing, and the pictures in my brain of her and how ravaged she was, how weak and skeletal and miserable. I honestly don't get how people think I shouldn't be depressed over that, or a life without the person I was born with. I know that's all they have to offer, and it's them trying to help, but sometimes it's just too much when you say no and they keep poking at you. Sorry, didn't mean to vent again.