Ob. post to prove I'm not dead

[gwyn]

I seem unable to post about anything substantial lately. The holidays are turning out to be worse than I thought. All the "holidays are the worst" stuff I hear has never meant much to me, since they weren't really that big a deal to me before, but it's the odd things about Winter Shopping Festival that are weighing me down. All the things I get so excited about because they would make perfect gifts for Sis_r and then have to realize there's no one to give them to, all the shopping trips to Barney's and Kenneth Cole and MaxMara that will never be taken again. Stopping for warm drinks and bread pudding in the bar at Palomino. And it's not WSF per se, it's just the stuff around it, the planning and the buying and I am just. so. sad. No matter how hard I try not to be, I can't stop thinking about it, how little the future means now. Probate is finally over (at least, all over but the shouting) and we are able to dispense the cash gifts my sister left her friends in her will. Their gratitude and sadness are overwhelming because it was my sister who left them the money, yet Dad and I are all they have to direct their grief and thankfulness to... and that's hard. We gave one person a large gift out of our pockets, too, because for some reason my sister scratched her name off the final will, and I think it was because she was directing the money toward people who had physically been there to help at the house. But when D did arrive, sis_r was getting so bad that I think she never got the chance to put D back in, and Dad and I would have gone mad without D's help. So, we wanted her to have the equivalent of what other people got. I know my sister would have done that if she'd been able, and she'd known how invaluable D would become to us. But of course now D's a wreck -- every time we think we might be getting a step ahead, we fall back.

But I've been thinking a lot lately about how vidding is a form of insanity. I think anyone who doesn't vid but knows a lot of vidders would say that vidders are all pretty much crazy (or at least, those of us who really work at it and care about the product a lot). That's a given. But for me it seems like a manifestation of something more obsessive/compulsive, or almost psychotically focused that lately I scare myself. I can't stop churning out vids. And then I get obsessed with finishing them when it's not like there's a deadline or babies are dying or buildings are burning if I don't finish it now.

I saw sockkppuppett say something today that I have been thinking about the past couple of days -- that when she works on a vid, she has to get it out, like right now. And I don't know why I'm like that lately. I've always been very focused on getting vids done, but I haven't usually done gajillions of them in such a short time span, and been so focused to the exclusion of all else that I neglect the stuff I actually do need to do. Like, right now I'm working on my Band of Brothers vid for the Escapade vid show. And the deadline for that will be like at least a month and a half away, and the con isn't till the end of February. So, there's lots of time. But I'm hunched over the computer for hours trying to figure out solutions to my problems (my problems being that I'm a sucky vidder when it comes to envisioning interesting things to do with vids so they don't all look the same) and noodling around with clips and whatnot.

While, of course, I should be finishing the Buffy and Fast and Furious WIPs I have going. Or reading. Or catching up on the Netflix queue. Or a dozen other things. It's silly to keep turning out stuff, especially because it's not like I pick huge fandoms or popular pairings when I do pick huge fandoms, and there's not much of an audience for the vids. It's like the tree falling in the forest -- why I am so obsessed with churning out vids if there's no one around to hear them churn? See, a sane person would recognize that maybe they could, you know, scale back in that case, but noooo. I keep right on churning. I'm sure there must be an entry about this vidding focus to the exclusion of all else in DSM IV.

And I don't want to be one of those people who turn out vids like they're machines, posting one a week and they all somehow seem the same, in the same fandoms, and were made overnight or in an hour and you know that if you go watch it, your eyes will bleed. (This is not to be confused with the Insane Vidding Projects by some of the talented people on my flist.) But surely, after a while of just being all "vidvidvidvidvid" you would come perilously close to this.

And I know why I'm doing it, in the sense that I know it prevents me from thinking about my sister. When I'm vidding, I'm so focused on the squee and the "OMG they're so cute" or "Wow, this is the coolest show ever" that I am not sad, for a little while. I'm not anything (except, usually, frustrated by my own ineptitude), and there's a little bit of relief in that. I used to love gardening because all I'd think about was the weeds and the grass and the flowers, and my mind would empty out. I just wish I could get a grip and slow down. It's not like I'm in a contest or have decalred this my Insane Vidding Project Year, at least intentionally.

Comments

Right there with ya

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

I rode with my cousin to look at the house with all the lights on it the other night, the one I look at every year, the one I never took Pat to see because...winter...cold...dark...hard to get her there (& I was lazy) & I've been crying about that & everything else ever since. Yes, lonely, very. Yes.

And writing insanely. I can't stop. I can't imagine anybody wanting to read what I'm writing, but I. Can't. Stop. And then I think that she's not there for me to read them too & I start crying again.

I never heard of manic creativity being a symptom of grief, but maybe we've discovered something nobody else knows.

Re: Right there with ya

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

You know how in movies and TV shows, the inmates in the psych ward of whatever hospital are always these hunched over, muttering, repetitive-behavior loons, talking to themselves and doing the same tasks 24/7? That is what I feel like. I know there is no audience, no interest, and yet I cannot stop. And the people who were interested in my WIPs have long since left, I'm sure, so the one place I should be doing that, I'm not. Oh well -- maybe we can share a cell at that psych ward.

Re: Right there with ya

[(Anonymous)]

Of course, it's Occupational Therapy! My father used to make ashtrays, & once he made me a footstool, which I still have. It's 40 years old at least. Don't sell the crazy people short. *g*

Now it all makes sense. Instead of thinking about being alone, I'm thinking about Vinnie wondering what Sonny is thinking about. And you're making vids, which is still more practical than making ashtrays, unless you know a lot of smokers.

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

I wish there was something I could do to help. Does being around friends make it any better, at least in terms of a distraction? Because I will gladly badger you into coming up here, or spend time with you while I'm in town, if you'll have me.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

You know, that's the hard part, in some ways. I know I have to be "on" and behave in a way that people consider normal, so I have to go to extra lengths to be that way, and it's draining. So even though I'm lonely and sad, it's just really hard to get up the strength to do stuff and be "normal." ANd people really really don't want to see you when you're acting the way you feel.

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

I hope you know I'm here if you do want company, or just a voice on the phone while you vent, and you don't have to put on a happy face around me.

sorry

[klytaimnestra.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad though that your memories of your sister are such happy ones. That just makes it worse, now, I think, but in time to come I think it will help to remember those times. I do believe that you will see your sister again.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

*gentle hugs*

I am so, so very sorry that this is hurting you so much, honey.

sorry

[klytaimnestra.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad though that your memories of your sister are such happy ones. That just makes it worse, now, I think, but in time to come I think it will help to remember those times.

[klia.livejournal.com]

When I'm vidding, I'm so focused on the squee and the "OMG they're so cute" or "Wow, this is the coolest show ever" that I am not sad, for a little while.

Distraction is good. Sometimes it's the only thing that gets me through the day.

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

First off, your "insane" icon cracked me up.

I'm sure there must be an entry about this vidding focus to the exclusion of all else in DSM IV.

I can check this if you want. I think they may even have pictures of you, Sisabet, and Lum in the entry. ;)

All the things I get so excited about because they would make perfect gifts for Sis_r and then have to realize there's no one to give them to

I feel this way about my mom when I see/smell Chanel no 5 or finish a book/see a mini series I know she would've loved. Or worst, when I hear a really good joke.

The sting lessens a bit with time, and in my case it's getting transmuted a bit, but I don't ever think it ever goes away. There's a bit of bitter irony mixed in to all of it. On the one hand, a wierd flash of recalled pleasure at all those times I've given the perfect gift and then the sadness of missing them. (Ah, memory, gateway to both joy and pain and we're never quite sure when the gate will open and which one, or both, will emerge.)

We gave one person a large gift out of our pockets, too,

And even in your grief you think of others. (This is rarer than you'd think.)

[wolffire.livejournal.com]

{hugs} Distractions are not necessarily a bad thing. Especially if they give a sense of satisfaction or peace or, frankly, simple relief. The sort of emotional pain you are suffering is not something I will ever understand. And, honestly, I hope I never do...just like I hope to never know the physical pain my Mom is dealing with this year. I do have a bit of a sense of how important it is for people in chronic pain to have moments of relief from it. The vidding doesn't sound restful, necessarily, but maybe it is giving you some sort of mental or emotional rest that you need right now. Maybe?

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

If vidding is helping you right now, then yay for the vidding.

And what you and your dad did for D made me cry. That's just so lovely and thoughtful and grounded.

[jcalanthe]

I just wanted to say that your posts about your sister have really resonated with me since my brother died. We weren't twins, but a lot of what you say really pings for me, and it's been helpful to have that - thank you. I am (very belatedly) so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts these days.

I too am finding the holidays much harder than I expected - the unrelenting sadness sucks, and it seems there's nothing else to do than wait it out. I haven't ended up obsessively creative, but I definitely spend a lot of time distracting myself - with TV, reading, yard work, housework, etc. Whatever helps us cope & isn't too self destructive seems a good thing to me.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's a really good point -- we could be reacting the way a lot of people react, which is to become crazed drug-addicted loonies or shotgun-weilding cranks or something else entirely, so I guess obsessive distraction with safe things is not such a bad deal. I've seen people deal with grief in a lot worse ways than what either one of us are doing to distract ourselves.

[morgantree.livejournal.com]

When I really disappear into writing, I am just gone, for a while. What better refuge? Cheaper and better than drugs. Add the bonus of nitty gritty production details -- which writing doesn't offer in the same way vidding does -- and it's probably the best escape going ...

Also, your vids do have an audience. There are lots of slicker-than-shit vids out there that leave me cuuriously unmoved. Yours resonate -- carve out something new. Just like your fic.

Sending grace, sending blessings.