Boxing Day is better
Dec. 26th, 2010 04:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynFirst off, thank you so much to all of you who've left hugs for me here on my last post. I meant to actually turn off comments because i didn't want people to feel like they had to say something about something of which there is little to say. But the wireless connection at the hospital is sometimes great, sometimes bad, and I completely screwed that up.
Secondly, today was a little better than Xmas eve and Xmas day. Dad recognized me when I came in and didn't start on a weird, rambling tirade about how much having twins sucks because you have two horrible harpy children or whatever it was he was doing the past couple days. It's been an interesting glimpse into his mind, for values of interesting that include nasty and ugly. The thing about my dad is that, yeah, it's the pain talking to some degree, but he's always been this way: he has a horrible temper, and he lashes out immediately without ever thinking anything through, and once he gets it in his head that he doesn't like something, you can't talk to him. He hit me a lot all my life, including even up to a few years ago, when he tried to clock me in the hospital when my mom had surgery for cancer. He's nasty when he wants to be, and that's pretty often. So, a lot of it is motivated by pain, but it's also pretty much SOP for him. I love him, I do, and I'm glad he's my dad, but I'm not blind to his bad side, which is pretty bad pretty often. It made me cringe the way he was treating the staff, and it humiliates me when he does that to me in front of other people. My sister used to be able to mitigate some of it, but now it's just him and me.
He was actually watching football today, and was able to get up for toileting, with a lot of help, and he seemed to understand what the doctor told him this morning that apparently there was some massive kidney malfunctions. The problem is, no one is talking to me, and my cousin the RN is as angry as I am at the lack of information and plan for his caregiving. We have a long road ahead -- it looks like he's not gonna die, but he is going to have to have constant care, and I think this is the beginning of a long, difficult road toward the end. I'm furious that as much time as I spend there, I can't get one fucking doctor to tell me what is going on -- and none of the nurses, even the duty nurse who's been there every day, can tell me, although they continually promise me that someone will come to talk with me. I'm beyond disgusted, I'm enraged. And I can't get any of the resident services people at his retirement center, because of the fucking holiday. So I don't know what the next steps are.
Anyway. Yesterday was Yuletide. I like the kudos button to a certain degree, but I also think it's an easy way for people to get out of making comments, and I'm seeing a lot of really great stories that have hardly any comments, just kudos and that makes me sad and disappointed. I get people worrying that they don't have much to say, but even exclamation points or "flail!!!" or what have you might mean the world of difference to someone. I know that right now, those comments on my own story (and I am so happy that my recipient loved what I wrote for her) are about the only thing keeping me going, and Yuletide's been a mixed bag for me this year. When you read something you like, please please consider leaving a comment or making a rec, because if they're like me, they might be having a really shitty time and your comment could make them feel a lot better. Consider it a present for a present. ;-)
Speaking of presents. I indulged in stopping at Trader Joe's after the hospital, because today was the first day I've been able to leave before nightfall, and a drive-thru at Starbucks. They said my grande chai was "on the house" and I'd been sitting there, thinking in line that what I really needed was a good cry, so that pretty much tipped me into crying in the car on the way home territory. I have no idea how to tell them how much that meant to me but I might see if I can fit in a visit tomorrow and let them know.
And now I have to start on the biggest chapter of the book I'm copyediting.
Secondly, today was a little better than Xmas eve and Xmas day. Dad recognized me when I came in and didn't start on a weird, rambling tirade about how much having twins sucks because you have two horrible harpy children or whatever it was he was doing the past couple days. It's been an interesting glimpse into his mind, for values of interesting that include nasty and ugly. The thing about my dad is that, yeah, it's the pain talking to some degree, but he's always been this way: he has a horrible temper, and he lashes out immediately without ever thinking anything through, and once he gets it in his head that he doesn't like something, you can't talk to him. He hit me a lot all my life, including even up to a few years ago, when he tried to clock me in the hospital when my mom had surgery for cancer. He's nasty when he wants to be, and that's pretty often. So, a lot of it is motivated by pain, but it's also pretty much SOP for him. I love him, I do, and I'm glad he's my dad, but I'm not blind to his bad side, which is pretty bad pretty often. It made me cringe the way he was treating the staff, and it humiliates me when he does that to me in front of other people. My sister used to be able to mitigate some of it, but now it's just him and me.
He was actually watching football today, and was able to get up for toileting, with a lot of help, and he seemed to understand what the doctor told him this morning that apparently there was some massive kidney malfunctions. The problem is, no one is talking to me, and my cousin the RN is as angry as I am at the lack of information and plan for his caregiving. We have a long road ahead -- it looks like he's not gonna die, but he is going to have to have constant care, and I think this is the beginning of a long, difficult road toward the end. I'm furious that as much time as I spend there, I can't get one fucking doctor to tell me what is going on -- and none of the nurses, even the duty nurse who's been there every day, can tell me, although they continually promise me that someone will come to talk with me. I'm beyond disgusted, I'm enraged. And I can't get any of the resident services people at his retirement center, because of the fucking holiday. So I don't know what the next steps are.
Anyway. Yesterday was Yuletide. I like the kudos button to a certain degree, but I also think it's an easy way for people to get out of making comments, and I'm seeing a lot of really great stories that have hardly any comments, just kudos and that makes me sad and disappointed. I get people worrying that they don't have much to say, but even exclamation points or "flail!!!" or what have you might mean the world of difference to someone. I know that right now, those comments on my own story (and I am so happy that my recipient loved what I wrote for her) are about the only thing keeping me going, and Yuletide's been a mixed bag for me this year. When you read something you like, please please consider leaving a comment or making a rec, because if they're like me, they might be having a really shitty time and your comment could make them feel a lot better. Consider it a present for a present. ;-)
Speaking of presents. I indulged in stopping at Trader Joe's after the hospital, because today was the first day I've been able to leave before nightfall, and a drive-thru at Starbucks. They said my grande chai was "on the house" and I'd been sitting there, thinking in line that what I really needed was a good cry, so that pretty much tipped me into crying in the car on the way home territory. I have no idea how to tell them how much that meant to me but I might see if I can fit in a visit tomorrow and let them know.
And now I have to start on the biggest chapter of the book I'm copyediting.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 12:57 am (UTC)Thinking of you and your dad, both.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 12:59 am (UTC)*tons of hugs*
no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 02:31 am (UTC)I'm glad to hear things are easing up and again, if there's anything we can do, just say and it's done.
RE: Kudos button on AO3
Date: 2010-12-27 04:11 am (UTC)((hugs))
no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 05:33 am (UTC)But also remember that people who are disoriented or delirious sometimes say things they really don't mean. Don't mistake it for seeing their deep, dark, hidden secrets, okay?
no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 07:07 pm (UTC)*more hugs*
no subject
Date: 2010-12-29 07:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-29 07:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-29 07:31 am (UTC)But believe me, they are getting an earful when dad is finally out of there. I'm also going to discuss with the retirement center that I don't want him going back there.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-29 07:34 am (UTC)You got some lovely Yuletidey gifts!! Yay you!!
no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 12:50 am (UTC)I'm sorry you've got such crap communication from the medical professionals.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 02:44 am (UTC)::many gentle hugs::
no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 02:49 am (UTC)RE: Yuletide, I haven't really been trying to leave comments--it wasn't working very well for me just to leave kudos, running real slow, I think the servers are pretty overwhelmed. But people are posting reccies on DW and lj that are awesome, and I hope as things ease up we'll get to go back and check out some of those reccies. Maybe a call for reposting reccies might be in order?
no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 04:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 08:28 am (UTC)Take care of yourself. It's tough being an advocate for your parent.
no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 10:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 02:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-12-27 08:53 pm (UTC)