somniloquence

I have a hard time not comparing my stuff to others (and coming up wanting)--it was pretty much drilled into me as a child, that love was entirely conditional on success, and part of my life as a twin whose twin was more of everything (including loved) my whole life. Like, intellecutally I know you're not supposed to, but it doesn't prevent anything.

I've also noticed that whenever I write something that turns out to be the lone fic in the fandom that year, it'll do so much better than if there's another fic or many in the category. Last year I wrote Sunshine as well, and it was the only one, so it didn't feel like it just got buried. I mean, I recognize as well that it got at least one rec, too, on the discord, which helps even if it's just one person, and that it's probably one of the best things I've ever written (and, this sounds arrogant and I think anyone who knows what low self-esteem I have would howl at me saying this, but is probably one of the best in that fandom tag), but I think the biggest part of it is just not having other fics. Whatever I write, if there are other fics, mine will be the least popular. It's a guarantee. So I try really hard not to listen to the voices saying "if you aren't the most successful, you've failed completely," but those voices are pretty firmly embedded in my psyche.