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[gwyn]

I'm definitely not doing the patriotic thing for women's figure skating this year (I refuse to call it ladies' skating, because I mean, if it's men's figure skating, then by freaking god it should be women's, those sexist idiots at the IOC) after having seen Gracie Gold's racist tweets. I do like Polina Edmunds who's coming up right now as I type this, but I still want to see if Yuna Kim can pull it off again. There are a lot of other skaters that I like too, so it's easy to cheer for anyone other than Gold.

Oh wow, Kim just landed her first jumps perfectly. I hope this signals a better couple nights than the men's programs. I discovered this year that ice dancing isn't my jam. I mean I like it okay, but it kind of bores me a bit, and the music always feels so samey samey to me, the programs seem that way too. This year was pretty enjoyable in that everyone did so well, but of all the skating, that's the one I care least for.

I've been kind of down in the dumps lately. I had an MRI a couple weeks ago for my back, and went back to the spine doctor on Friday and it was just really bad news. Nothing I didn't expect, but I was hoping for more...hope, I guess. As we expected, I have two bulging disks at the bottom of my spine, and arthritis in my lower spine, and the disks are very compressed (which explains why I'm a half-inch shorter than I used to be). She pointed out how strong the muscle mass in my upper back was, but how weak it was in that area around the disks.

Mostly she seems to want to give me stuff for pain and for restless leg syndrome, which I'm not concerned about because I have bigger fish to fry. And I can't really understand a lot of what she's saying. I asked about cortisone shots, but she said it's just temporary, though she set one up for me so that I can have it before traveling -- except, of course, they couldn't get me in before my trip to Los Angeles next week, and it requires you to have someone you know give you a ride home, no cab or bus, and I have no one who can do that for me. So I didn't set up a shot, and I'll just power through.

Basically it comes down to going to physical therapy, doing my exercises, and pain relief, and I'm really feeling down about it, because I didn't really want to just throw pills at it like they did with my dad. I watched him become an invalid over the same problem, his spine crumbling away, and I still remember seeing the doctor with him and the doctor shrugging and saying, essentially, "sucks to be you."

I feel like this is a sentence. You know, like "You're just going to become an invalid." Some of the things in PT help a little, like the TENS device, but I mean, it's just treating pain, not making the inherent situation better. And I guess that's what feels so hopeless. And two and a half years of hardcore workouts and eating better than ever didn't help me lose an ounce of weight, so I just wonder how much doing the back exercises are going to help. I feel like it's going to make traveling not really much of an option for me.

Everything's affected by pain levels, too -- whether I can do social things, whether I can vid, how much work I can do at my desktop computer, if I can work in the garden. I just want to participate in my own life. I've seen what chronic pain has done to so many of my friends, too, so I know what kind of an effect that has on you.

Anyways, I'm off to Escapade next week. We're going down a bit early and going to Palm Springs/Joshua Tree for a few days before heading back to LA. I'm doing a panel with raine_wynd for Pacific Rim (come join us on Saturday afternoon!), and I just finished a tribute vid for Paul Walker for the vid show, which made me cry my eyes out working on it. I do not recommend making tribute vids for someone you loved when you're depressed, I'll tell you whut.

Comments

[ratcreature]

That sucks about your back. I worry about how much worse my occasional backpain might still become as I get older too. I hope your PT will help.

And I can't believe they couldn't arrange for you to get the shots on your own. Aren't there special medical transports in the US offered to and from clinics and doctors for patients who need them? I can't believe they won't treat you just because you can't come with someone else. Here they arrange that for you, if you need it and insurance pays for most of it, though there is a copay between ten an twenty euro depending on the type of transport. At least that's what my father had to pay when getting to and from hospitals and doctors when cabs weren't an option. I guess in the US with your horrible system it would be more expensive, but surely the service as such exists as option after outpatient stuff?

[batdina]

I read this as I was packing up to head into the City, so I'm commenting so I'll know where I mean to get back to you later.

Mostly though, I so completely get where you are right now. And also, we're heading down to LA on Thursday so Yay! for seeing each other.

[kass]

I am so sorry to hear about the pain. And about the feeling that this is a sentence, which I totally get.

I wish I could make it to Escapade! It's just too challenging for me at this moment -- between the money and the need to come up with childcare, I just can't do it. But I hope that won't always be true.

Sending love.

[gwyn]

You know, there are these things called cabulances, which is a cab but for medical stuff and the drivers have basic first aid kind of training, which my dad often used, but it's still someone you don't know, so they still won't give you the shot. But everyone I know works on weekdays, and everything in the US is All About Business. It's like, fuck your family, and don't even think about doing something for your friends. We need you at work. But all my family's dead, so I'm kind of screwed -- I either have to ask someone to try to take time off work, or go it alone, but they won't accept that.

Yeah, we are really, really fucked up here.

I'm eager to talk to my regular doctor. I just wish I could see her before April, but she's been out from surgery, so I have to wait a while. I know she'll be willing to help me navigate between the spine people and everything else.

[gwyn]

There are so many faces from the east coast that I miss at Escapade. I know it's so hard to get out there, but I confess it's not the same without you guys!

[destina.livejournal.com]

Ahaha, Joshua Tree. Wave to me as you pass by on your way out there. *g*

[batwrangler.livejournal.com]

It bothers me that your doc is not communicating effectively with you. Any chance you can find another one who might be able to give you better options or at least explain things better?

[ann1962]

This. And perhaps another physical therapist as well.

The PTs I've had for my back didn't work just to relieve pain, they worked to get me functioning better. It shouldn't be either/or. One even said I could call him if I took up running again and he'd give me pointers to help with my back and knees.

I hope you find other solutions.

And have fun at Escapade.

[feochadn.livejournal.com]

Yo, anytime you need a ride home from the doctor -- LET ME KNOW! I can totally come get you and take you home.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Well, this was why I wanted to go to the spine clinic that Killa went to -- she had a good experience, but with my doctor out for months, I couldn't get a referral (can I just say how much I hate the referral system? It's so fucking rigged against people being able to take charge of their own health), and they had me go to this new rehabilitative medicine office in their clinic. I just don't feel a positive connection with this woman, and I think there's a cultural aspect at work as well. Most of the Chinese doctors I've had have been very businesslike, brusque, not warm or concerned with my issues, and some people really respond well to that kind of thing, but I don't at all. I left confused and not certain what I'm supposed to be doing.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I think the PT is doing as much as she can -- I mean, she's trying to be very encouraging that it's not a lost cause, that there are things I can do. And I'm going to see a friend's PT as well, I don't think it'll be much different but my friend seems to think this person walks on water so we'll see. I have felt better after my sessions. It's just that I don't know what I'm going to do about the financial aspects. I can't keep doing it.

[belmanoir.livejournal.com]

I would also be happy to give you a ride to and from the doctor if you consult with me about scheduling! I have some time off this week, is it too late to set something up before you leave?