Sorrow waited, sorrow won

[gwyn]

Trying to write two stories, make a vid for Escapade, and thinking about other vids I want to make, and it all feels like too much. I got another one of those emails I get from time to time, where someone comments on how much they liked a story but they can't believe that it doesn't have more kudos/bookmarks, and that always depresses me something fierce. I know it's a lovely compliment that someone thinks your work deserves more, but it also starts to remind you, time after time, that you are in that situation.

It's a lot like when I was young and just starting out as a writer, and I'd send out stories that always came back with personal notes from the editors about the quality of the stories, along with the rejection that (usually) it wasn't what they were looking for. People in my writing group were always, wow, I never get personal notes from the editors! And I was like, yeah, you know, the first couple times it's cool, but then you realize that it's all still a rejection (after rejection, after rejection). The first time I ever got an acceptance, I almost threw it away, because I thought it was a note from the editor about the rejection.

I've been trying really hard to think about this wonderful post from sperrywink and just concentrate on my own efforts to put forth what I want to see in the world, or think about destina making dolphin noises (waves at destina), but I do really get torpedoed sometimes. A lot lately, because I feel like I'm writing and vidding into a void--fandom's always been about participation and communication for me, and once I lost my fic website a couple years ago, all my fic's been on AO3. Try as I might, I've never been able to develop conversations with people there the way I have been on LJ/DW/email, or on Tumblr (I mean, certainly if you have a lot of followers on Tumblr, you could, but that's not my world). I've met a lot of great people in those spaces in the past, and even recently, because I wrote them a comment on their fic or vid, or they wrote to me, but it doesn't seem like you get that on Tumblr or on AO3, and a lot of those friends have been lost to attrition lately. Although, really, yeah, it could very well be a referendum on the quality of the work, and that's definitely the place my depression-mind goes to.

I think too the isolation of not having a lot of friends left/friends who are into the same thing I am compounds that. There are so many stories floating around in my head right now, so many vids, and it's a struggle to get past the why bother. Especially when I can't seem to get them to come out right, like the vid for Escapade feels (ugh, I keep looking at the timeline and wondering if I can ever make a good vid again, let alone a good Steve/Bucky vid) or the stories ("you're keeping the outfit" porn should not be this difficult!) have been lately.

I should probably shut the comments off on this, because people will think I'm fishing for compliments and I am not fishing for compliments, seriously, but I don't know, maybe there's someone else out there in the depresso-ball pit too who'd like a safe space to talk about that, so I guess I will keep them open. Or maybe you have some cool tricks, like sperrywink, to remind yourself that it's the creating that matters and you are more than welcome to share them with me.

Comments

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

I haven't written in a "hot" fandom since my very early days in fandom, so I guess I'm kind of used to not getting much feedback. It still makes me sigh when something I wrote and love doesn't seem to get love out in the world, but I am pretty much used to it. I try to tell myself that if even a couple of people like it, that's awesome, and that's enough.

(Now, if I really want to get depressed, I can start to wonder if I'm ever going to write anything again EVER, but that's another post entirely.)

I agree with you on the interaction, though. Even in small fandoms, you had more interaction via LJ and ye olde mailing lists for fic. That's really not there any more. I keep hoping people will move on from Tumblr into a format that again encourages more actual interaction and conversation, but so far no luck on that.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I try to tell myself that's enough, too, but sometimes it really doesn't feel that way no matter how often I say it, especially when I get those emails that remind of me of what it is.

It's weird wanting to create again. I mean, it was easy to ignore a lot of this before, because I wasn't producing anything. Being so enmeshed in a fandom again...it just reminds me of my invisibility and that leaves me wondering if it's worth the work. And I think the interaction kept a lot of that at bay, too--it's different when you have lots of people who care about stuff you do, and cheerlead for you, and so on. Talking just kind of helps, I guess.