But you are the one who is gone

[gwyn]

I know I owe a lot of people responses or comments, about my previous posts and the recent fic, and I'm sorry I haven't done that. I'm just having a really hard time right now. I keep seeing Ollie's broken little body, how mangled she was and how brutally and terribly she died, and nothing really means anything right now. I found a little sleeping kitty statue to put over her grave, and some plants to plant around it, but Blues keeps going over to the spot where I put her body when I was trying to find something to wrap her in, and lying down there. And he wouldn't sit in the perch all week, maybe because she wasn't around for him to chase out of it, and he doesn't seem to really know what to do with himself. We're a pair, because I don't either.

And of course now the horrible heat wave has broken but it's too late, she's gone, but hey, don't have to open the doors to get some air in the house anymore, whatever. I'm slated to leave for Vividcon on the 4th, but I wish I wasn't going. Even though I'm traveling with my beloved killabeez, and we're going in early to Chicago and staying at a posh hotel and sightseeing, I just don't care about much of anything right now and the idea of socializing fills me with dread, plus no one's going to want to socialize with me because I'm not exactly good company right now. I couldn't ask for a better person to travel with though, and I'm sure we'll find fun things to do (plus I get to meet up with my dear devilpiglet, as well).

I'm even going to be cosplaying Rachel Duncan from Orphan Black for the dance party, along with other clone sestras, but I just…all I feel is massive depression. I have gauze and a pencil, am waiting for pajamas to arrive that I pray are going to fit, but all I could find was short-sleeve, plus I wish my hair was still blond, I'm not really going to look anything like Rachel. Still, wearing pajamas for Club Vivid will be easy.

I just miss my girl so much. I don't want to wash my sheets because all the fur where she slept will be gone. I don't want to put her little confiscated dog bed away (every foster dog that tried to reclaim the dog bed for the canine set was met with a swift paw to the snout). Putting away her food dish and her milk dish was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. And I can't explain to Blues what's wrong, and he's really upset most of the time.

Comments

[st_aurafina]

I'm so sorry, bb. We lost a little guy cat, and watching his sister grieve was so hard. We all cried together in bed. It's a really hard time.

*hugs if they're welcome*

[kore]

I'm really really sorry. I lost my dear little calico several years ago and I was really depressed for about a year and a half, and still miss her terribly. It's an awful grief. //offers hugs

[umbo]

*tons of hugs*

[grammarwoman]

I feel so much sympathy for you. You lost a member of your family, in an awful and traumatic way, and it's going to be so hard to move on.

I hope you do make it to VVC, and that it helps in some way with the grieving process. *HUGS*

[minim_calibre]

I have dry cleaning that remains in need of dry cleaning in part because it has oodles of Mo's fur on it. (In part because I'm lazy and just have failed for over 4 years to take my laundry to the dry cleaners).

I wish I could make things better for you and for Blues. Poor big dorky boy.

[ranalore]

I'm so, so sorry. Just living across the country from my canine babies with no contact because my exes are bastards has been rough. I cannot imagine losing family this way.

[sperrywink]

I'm so sorry again for your loss. It is so hard losing a beloved pet like that. {{{hugs}}}

I'm glad you at least get to spend time with close friends, even if you aren't up for Vividcon itself.

[par_avion]

I'm sorry, hon. <3

[gwyn]

I realize I have been so down that I haven't replied to your icons post for the con. Is it too late to throw this one into the queue? If you need me to find the post and do it over there just let me know, or if it's too late I totally understand. I'm sorry. I just kind of haven't had my shit together.

[par_avion]

Got it. See you soon!

[kass]

Oh, honey, I am so sorry. I know this is unspeakable heartbreak.

I am selfishly glad you are coming to VVC, because I would like to hug you. Also I am always happy to get to spend time with you, and I don't care whether you're cheerful or not. *hug*

[ixchel55.livejournal.com]

It sucks losing a loved one (and I do include furkidz because they're so much a part of our lives). I've realized recently that Phouka is getting older and slowing down and my heart clenches. It's not the same as losing a companion in a horrible, violent way - although that's happened to me too - but I know it's going to hurt like hell when he passes away, even if it's gently into old age.

Just a suggestion from personal experience which I know doesn't work for everyone but, you should try not to put off tucking away Olive's daily reminders too long. Don't ruthlessly rush it but there are enough memories to insure that you won't forget her, you don't need to continually stumble over them and have them jerk your heart strings.

*Hugs*

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

It's hard. I still miss our rat Teddy who died in 1980. I don't think you need to explain to Blues - I'm sure he knows.

[killabeez.livejournal.com]

*hugs you a lot*

I'm looking forward to hanging with you, and I promise it's okay if you aren't feeling bubbly and sunshiny. We'll take in the sights (and the pool!) and eat some good food, and see some pretty things. And then, vids!

[astolat]

*seconds this!* I will be super glad to see you, and also to just hang out quietly if that's all you're up for.

[kerithwyn.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. It'll be good to see you regardless, and you don't have to put on a happy face for anyone. I'm looking forward to quiet time this con too.

[mackiemesser.livejournal.com]

I wish I had some better words other than "I'm sorry," but it's never any easier to lose a pet, especially like that, so--

I'm sorry and that sucks.

[queenofattolia.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, but I know exactly how you feel. Even though she's been gone nearly five years, I still feel my kitty's nose at my elbow, or her weight against me in bed.

Glad you mentioned devilpiglet, though, whose presence I miss on LJ. I also know why Anna Kendrick always seemed so familiar (especially on Twitter) - she's devilpiglet Mark II.

[devilpiglet.livejournal.com]

gwyn_r is real...and she's fabulous.

I miss you, too! I have no good reason for no longer posting on LJ. Maybe I will today. I'm feisty and I just finished a "personal"-size pizza. (It's "personal" if I'm the only one who eats it, right?)

P.S. You are not the first person to mention the Anna Kendrick thing!!! Your check is in the mail.

[queenofattolia.livejournal.com]

See? You are a breath of fresh air in a dull, cruel, really increasingly stupid world.

I found your Instagram! It cheered me up and jogged my feeble brain.

I hope you and gwyn_r had/have tons of run running around and eating hog-butchery things in Chicago.

[devilpiglet.livejournal.com]

I have an Instagram?!

I had a great time with my Gywnnie and she may have had to gently pry my grasping fingers off of her but my grabbiness was all love, I swear. I realized how much I'd missed my LJ folks and resolved to be a better blogger. How are you?

[queenofattolia.livejournal.com]

Huh. Maybe you don't. An incredible simulation, then.

I'm good, except for pesky faulty kidneys. And now - gwyn_r can reclaim her journal from old home week. Love you women to death.